A/N: I've been losing interest in the Warriors series, which is part of the reason it took me so long to get this done, also the family computer has a virus(or it's just ridiculously slow but it doesn't work fast enough for me to type with it) and the only way for me to access ff dot net is through mobile or library computer.

I needed Typholius to give me ideas though, fankly, I seriously don't think I would've been able to get through this without serious motivation.

WARNING: This fic contains unintentional humour that sort of leaked out while I was rotting my brains out reading a bunch of parody/humour fics. Some parts were pretty random, and also I suck now at Warriors.

Disclaimer: This time Typholius helped me with like the fic's entire plot because he is very good at thinking of ideas to use to write about Jayfeather in even single oneshots. Also Typholius has helpfully given me ideas and stuff 'n thangs so if you like the idea it was inspired by him. The writing is mine. I can't write Warriors anymore to save my life. Yay me.

Mist lingered close to the ground, creating tiny water droplets on the cat's paws and her blue eyes reflected light that did not exist.

"The Clans are boring," complained Blackstar, plucking lazily at the mud besides one of the looking puddles.

"For once you've got something right," Yellowfang grunted.

The ShadowClan cats were walking along the border, boringly leaving their scent marks.

"What are you going to do, turn them all into turtles?" Hollyleaf snorted. "That would be interesting."

"Hollyleaf, shut up!" Yellowfang snapped.

"She's got a point," Leopardstar butted in. "It would be interesting to see the Clans try to work out stuff while crawling around at a pace slower than any of those snails you've seen."

"That's all good until you get bored of it," Blackstar grumbled. "Or... you know what, do it, I'd love to see the looks on ThunderClan warriors' faces when they realize they're fat turtles."

"It'd happen to WindClan," Bluestar said. "And RiverClan. And ShadowClan." Blackstar threw her a dirty look.

"It would be fun!"

"...What is wrong with you?"

"...I really don't know."

"Let's do it, the Clans are getting boring and it would be fun seeing them adjust to it."

"I suppose you want a bunch of turtles as your StarClan conpanions," Blackstar said, seeming to have second thoughts on the idea.

"Yeah, I do," said Yellowfang.

"I really don't like you."

"..."

Jayfeather yawned, half awake and tried to roll over. He wasn't ready to wake up.

"Let me sleep some more, " he mumbled, half expecting a prod in the stomach.

It didn't come. He got up, unable to fall back asleep, and sniffed the air. No one else was in the den. It was unusually quiet outside. Great StarClan, is every warrior out on patrol?

He was beginning to reconsider when he heard Bramblestar's voice outside the den.

"Jayfeather? Are you awake? Can I talk to you?"

"Yes," Jayfeather grumbled.

The ThunderClan leader entered the den. Jayfeather twitched his tail, resisting the urge to curl up in his warm nest and go back to sleep.

"There's something I wanted to tell you," Bramblestar said nervously.

"Spit it out," Jayfeather grunted.

"I - Squirrelflight and Mousewhisker don't look so well," Brambles tar said. He sounded awkward.

"I can't see them," Jayfeather snapped. "You'll have to describe the problem to me - what is it."

Bramblestar sniffed. "Squirrelflight looks... well, her legs seem to have shortened. And she's kind of fatter."

"Maybe she's getting old," Jayfeather muttered.

Bramblestar's tail lashed, whipping against Jayfeather's back. "I'm serious. Mousewhisker's fur is thinning out as well as having Squirrelflight's condition."

Jayfeather shivered, though it had little to do with the air. "I don't know what could be causing that."

"Can't you speak with StarClan about it?"

"If StarClan never had these problems in their life, I doubt they'll have any idea."

Bramblestar sighed. "I... if this is life-threatening..." he trailed off, sounding defeated.

Jayfeather's annoyance slightly disappeared and he felt a pang for the cat he had grown up with as his father. "I'm sorry, Bramblestar," he said, pushing his nose into Bramblestar's flank.

Bramblestar slowly exhaled.

"We don't know anything yet. It might just be ... a phase of some sort."

"That's true," Bramblestar admitted. His tail brushed against Jayfeather as he stood up. "Thank you..."

Jayfeather nodded and turned around, trying to think of something he could do. He was their medicine cat, he should be able to think of something... but as hard as he thought, he couldn't think of anything, let alone a kind of disease like this.

It seemed hopeless.

In a matter of days, everyone in ThunderClan - had experienced the problem. Their fur was falling out and they were fattening like a turtle as their legs shortened. Jayfeather felt as if he was being punished by a disease he could not help or treat. He felt as if he were the only one unaffected - at least for now.

It seems harmless, he thought. But I can't think of a reason why it would happen other than being caused by something.

"I'm going to the Moonpool," Jayfeather announced to Bramblestar.

"May StarClan light your path," the leader responded.

Jayfeather nodded briefly and hurried towards the thorn barrier. "Take care while I'm gone," he called.

Jayfeather collapsed before he reached the Moonpool.

"Oh, no," he muttered, his irritation quickly fading to panic. "StarClan, no. This can't be happening to me! I'm... I'm - "

His sentence was cut off and he tried to double over in pain. Pain like nothing he had ever experienced shot through him. Jay feather couldn't feel his paws, his legs, his body, his head - he hissed in pain without knowing where the hissing was coming from — the pain receded slightly but he couldn't move, couldn't breathe — he could still move his tail, that was the only thing that wasn't affected somehow - but it had shortened into a stump which he could barely twitch - he'd stopped hissing from exhaustion, he just wanted this to end, why wouldn't it end—

Jayfeather opened his eyes to darkness. It was just a bad dream, he tried to convince himself, but it was too vivid to have been just that. He tried to life his paw to wash his face - and then froze in horror.

His legs were too short to lift more than a step off the ground. He tried to move forward, but it seemed so slow, and when he tried to turn his neck around, he couldn't reach it far enough to sniff himself. His whiskers also seemed to have vanished.

"Fox-dung!" He screeched without thinking. "StarClan, you leftover pieces of rotten crowfood!" He felt helpless - a feeling he hated so much that he could barely remember how his blindness had given him the same feeling back when he was an apprentice. No! This isn't happening to me!

"StarClan help me," he muttered. Then after thinking for a moment, he shook his head violently. No! I'm not going to beg them. I've never begged them before. I'm not going to start now!

Jayfeather arrived in the camp after what seemed like forever. The camp seemed to be in an uproar. He could have sworn he heard - kits? - he couldn't be sure - squealing "I'm a tortoise!" along with the indistinct groans of his Clanmates. He sniffed as he got closer, still trying to deny the transformation that seemed to have taken his body.

His Clanmates' voices grew more distinct as he reached the thorn barrier.

"How will we get food?"

"Where's Bramblestar?"

"What's going on?"

"QUIET!" Jayfeather snapped. He didn't deny that the food prospect was a little worrying, but their panic was beginning to wash him into it.

"Okay!" he yelled. "It's more obvious to anyone but a dead fox that we've got a small problem."

"Small?"

Lionblaze- or at least he thought it was Lionblaze, based on the sound and smell - butted his head against Jaufeather's."This isn't small! It's about surviving! What are we going to do about food?"

Jayfeather contained his anger as he faced Lionblaze. "You're right. This is survival. This is day-to-day. But," he raised his voice, "it's nothing to panic over. We still have the fresh-kill pile stocked. There are other foods, I'm sure. Great StarClan, calm down. It's okay!"

"IT'S NOT OKAY!" Lionblaze snarled. "Cinderheart's children - my children - when they're born. What are they going to eat?"

"The same stuff we do," Jayfeather snapped. "What else?"

Lionblaze's breath heated his cheek. "That's my problem, fur-"

A horrifying screech sounded from the barrier. Jay feather had never imagined Squirrelflight could make such a noise, but it was her voice he heard.

"No!"

"What happened?" His Clanmates pushed past him.

"Leafpool?"

Liomblaze jeered his head back. Jayfeather probed his mind. He could feel his brother's felt his mind, a whirlpool of confusion. "What's going on?"

And Squirrelflight's voice rang in his ears; and he was aware of the patrol pushing past him, and when Jayfeather reached again into Squirrelflight's mind, she was shaking her sister, and through Squirrelflight's vision he saw Leafpool's blank eyes. As Squirrelflight's eyes traveled down Leafpool's body, he saw her belly. It has been slashed open, a tide of blood moving over her oddly furless belly, where it pooled up at her sides where a shellthat seemed to be from her back caught it.

"She was attacked by a fox - we couldn't fight back."

Over the next many days, Jayfeather grew exceedingly irritated, as they searched for food. By the next Gathering, the whole Clan had started eating grass.

Grass. He spat in disgust, a half-moon and he hadn't gotten used to eating it - it was digusting, worse than the seaweed at the sun-drown place.

"You're coming," Bramblestar told him, much to his annoyance. "You're not making this any easier for me," he snapped.

"This isn't easy for anyone, least of all me," the Clan leader retorted. "I'm the leader and I'll have to explain to the other Clans why my clan is now full of tortoises."

Jayfeather rolled his eyes.

"You don't have any power over it. The other Clans will just wonder where ThunderClan is and why a patrol of tortoises are coming to the island. The whole thing is pointless. We should just have them all thing ThunderClan disappeared. They would love it, we've all got kittypet-blood and the other Clans hate it."

"You have to come," Bramblestar insisted. "You're ThunderClan's only medicine -tortoise- and now that Leafpool's gone and Cinderheart's..." hehe trailed off.

"Yeah, they're called eggs," Jay feather said contemptously. "You want to walk over to that StarClan-forsaken island? Be my guest. I'm not stepping a foot outside camp."

"Jayfeather," the leader warned.

Jayfeather snorted. "Fine."

They arrived early. Squirrelflight crawled over to the foot of the Great Oak to brood. Her feelings were barely contained; as he probed her thoughts he could tell she was only just keeping her feelings kept in. Within the darkness of her mind, however, her grief was evident; it ran so deep it nearly swept Jayfeather off his feet. He withdrew his thoughts from her, almost guilty for not wanting to help her, but he redirected his thoughts and focused on the present.

"Where are the leaders going to crawl now?" he asked aloud.

"Where the deputies used to, I guess," Hazeltail responded. "They can't climb that tree. There's no way."

"Unless you have wings," Berrynose's voice sounded.

"Well we don't have wings," Jayfeather snapped. "Why don't you go do something useful with yourself?"

"I really don't know. I'm just bored I guess."

"That's too bad," Jayfeather muttered.

"You're no fun," whined Berrynose.

"Yes, and I'm almost certain you can think of a time when I was simply oozing with sweetness," Jayfeather responded sarcastically.

"Well - "

"Quiet!" Hazeltail whispered. "The other Clans are here!"

Jayfeather poked his head out of the bush to sniff the air. She was right, but he couldn't hear any meowing or growling or even the simple padding of pawsteps - just the bumping of shells against each other.

"-changed," whispered another Clan -tortoise? It seemed weird to Jayfeather even a spite a month..

He heard a giggle, and then a whole group from the swarm of tortoises broke into laughter. He stayed there, silent, and Blackstar's, unmistakable voice:

"Let all Clans gather below StarClan!"

He nodded without really listening, as Blackstar started talking about how things were changing and other things... and then Jayfeather heard the mention the clans being tortoises. It was good, Onestar said. It gave the Clans a chance to change and adapt to new things, he said. Why not welcome it? When they joined StarClan, she claimed, they would all be restored to their natural form. It was nice to have a change.

The thought made Jayfeather sick. Just because StarClan willed them to be tortoises didn't make it a good change. It just meant StarClan had a weird sense of humour.

"We lost Leafpool and Dovewing," Bramblestar said when Onestar asked him to speak. "She hunts with StarClan now."

Jayfeather was vaguely aware of the murmurs of sympathy that came from the other Clans. It was when Blackstar announced Rowanclaw's death and Mistystar announced the death of Icewing, Mosspelt, and Duskfur that he focused his attention. Blackstar immediately jumped on the subject of borders. He threatened anyone who even stepped foot over the border witg... something.

Jayfeather groaned. Eventually, Mistystar ended it by saying, "may StarClan light our paths!" and they all hauled themselves off the island.

The medicine tortoises joined at the end of the tree-bridge as the Clans walked off into different directions.

"What are you going to do?" Jayfeather said, his voice coming out harsher than he meant it to be. He turned his blind gaze to Willowshine. "Moonpool, right? You want us to walk there? You realise how long it's going to take to get there and back? At the pace we're going?" He shook his head. "And there isn't a Moonpool at the island. StarClan must like things to be hard.

He could feel their hot gazes on him. "What?" he demanded. "No one said you couldn't go. Why don't you all just go and... and leave me alone. StarClan wants us to respect the ritual, but they can't leave us alone to complete it - " He stopped.

Willowshine cuffed him. "Maybe they're trying to teach us something."

"Yeah? What?" Jayfeather snapped. He felt as if he was losing control. "You - you want us to sit in the moonlight, twine our tails together?"

"... I hate you, Jayfeather."

"I hate you too, Willowshine."

"..."

Jayfeather would have collapsed as he reached his den. His thoughts were a mess. Squirrelflight was still moping and sitting in his nest.. He hadn't expected her to stop after only a half-moon, but for a reason he could not explain he felt annoyed at her. He settled down and poked his head out of the den.

"I can see!" he shouted.

Brambles tar must have been closer than he thought. He came hurting into the den as fast as a tortoise. "Prove it," he challenged. "What colour are... what colour is the snow?"

"It's not considered a colour," he muttered. Bramblestar rushed outside screeching with joy. "PRAISE STARCLAN! IT'S ... IT'S REMARKABLE!"

"I was just kidding!" Jayfeather shouted after him. Squirrelflight's slight happiness disappeared. Bramblestar stormed back into the den and settled down next to her to mope.

"Idiots," Jayfeather muttered.

As the seasons passed, the Clans figured out new ways to survive as turtles.

Squirrelflight might have survived, but she never did get over Leafpool's death. A quarter-moon after the next Gathering, she jumped off Highledge as her final punishment to Bramblestar, who was really a nice tortoise, and forgave her even after she lied to him about being his mate. After she died, he figured he was better off without her - after a few days of moping of course.

StarClan thought the Clans were better off as turtles and left it that way.

Squirrelflight, Leafpool, and Dovewing were really all horrible cats so no one cared that they had all died, and the Clan was better off without them.

Jayfeather never did get fully over being stuck as a tortoise for the rest of his life, but he put up with it.

As the seasons repeated themselves, he got an apprentice, and as time went on, his apprentice became a full medicine cat. Bramblestar's second deputy passed away, and Jayfeather was offered to take her place. After all, it gave him the chance to pick out patrols with a cats who annoyed him for the dawn patrol. Bramblestar forced Brightheart to teach Jay feather how to fight correctly, and he finally became a warrior (and later deputy) like he had always dreamed of.

And Jayfeather stayed his grumpy self until the end of his days, when he peacefully passed away. But StarClan believed he was too amazing to just die like that. So they gave him a second chance because he was awesome that way.

A/N: ... This all turned out way better in my head. Then again, so do most things I come up with.

I do plan on getting the other two oneshots done (you know what I'm talking about) and hopefully they will be a hell of a lot better than this one. I've just been on a writing break so darn long and it took a hell of a lot of inspiration to get it done.

Took at least two weeks to write the first two thirds of it. The rest just sort of came out. It was a little creepy, my fingers just would not stop typing. This is what happens when I'm stuck in the library for three hours and the only alternative to writing stuff like this is reading the no-good fiction/nonfiction books they have.

Also why am I making Jayfeather a bit more sarcastic and angry than he usually is in almost everything I ever write, that's not cool.

Review or you'll all be turned into big-a** tortoises. And you'll have to eat grass for a living.