Not All That Bad - Lex's Green Thumb
Oni: Hello all! *waves*
R: OK. So, a little backstory on this. First off, my name is Ryuko Monogatari. You may have heard of me because of my fic 'Master Potter of Kamar-Taj', my Youtube channel Kinnundo, or my Quora account 'James McKinnon'
Oni: *from the back of the crowd* GET ON WITH IT!
Master Potter: YES! GET ON WITH IT!
CT Tom: YES! GET ON WITH IT!
PARROTS TOM: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?
Goku: WE KIND OF DO THIS!
R: Aaaaanyways! Oni and I were dicking about in a discord server, and we thought of something, which became this. Basically, y'know how Hitler was an okay artist?
Oni: Godwin's Law, Kin. Godwin's Law.
R: Does not apply here. Anyways, Hitler was an okay artist, and well, I'm gonna pass over to Oni now, so she can explain more.
Oni: Greetings my Pretties! So, you thought Parrots was crack, huh? Well we're just gonna dial that to other worlds because we're a mad bunch here that loves our villains. So! Have you ever thought about what a villain does when he's (R:or she's) not trying to plot the hero's demise or trying to take over the world? They're obviously kicking puppies or burning down orphanages (T: OI!) or something right?
Well… not quite. That villain with the evil cackle is… knitting sweaters? Playing golf? Rebuilding old cars?
R: Mastur-(gets smacked)-ing… video games?
Oni: Or playing skeeball!
R: We ended up pitching ideas of supervillains having completely mundane and innocent hobbies that completely contrast with their actions and ideals. So… here we are! This first chapter is a little shorter, so we can figure out any kinks. We hope you enjoy this descent into madness that we are dragging you down! Enjoy the rabbit hole, you're never getting out. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!
Oni: *Alvin voice* Okaaaaaay!
R: The following is a non-profit fan based parody. Superman, Lex Luthor, and the Justice league, are all owned by DC comics, Warner Bros entertainment Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Please support the official release!
Oni: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand ONWARDS!
Lex Luthor was a man of means. He had everything he could have ever wanted at his fingertips. Unfortunately, with wealth comes responsibility. Of course, Lex had no problem with this, in fact he relished the challenge of the corporate world. The downside came with the fact that he hardly had any time to himself. He woke up, prepared himself for the day, and went to work. He came home, only to make calls and write reports. In any other time, he would plot to destroy Superman.
You know, the typical past-time for a multi-billionaire.
But some days, he just couldn't be bothered. He wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle of day-to-day supervillainy. It wasn't often that he got the chance anymore, not since Lexcorp share prices hit $400k. Every day was another damned meeting, another damned 2 hour phone call with potential investors, and another damned flight to some wannabe MNC that thought it was worth his time.
You might think that Luthor would hate this. The long flights, the tedious meetings, and the abundance of nights spent in a hotel. You would be very wrong. Because Lex Luthor had a secret. Not his hatred for Superman, that was common knowledge. No, this was a secret that nobody else knew of, that anybody who did find out would rue the day that they did. Nobody knew of Lex Luthor's affinity… for gardening.
There was nothing more calming, more relaxing, more oddly satisfying to the follicly-challenged mastermind than planting flowers and tending to them, lovingly helping them grow big, strong and beautiful. Plants didn't complain, nor talked back, nor whined. They never interfered with his plans nor did they have any concept of such things. They were just there, giving out both air and beauty to those who helped them grow. Of course, he kept such softness a secret. It wouldn't do to have the paparazzi barge in on him tenderly watering his geraniums on a Sunday afternoon. What that would do to his image, not to mention the last thing he needed was his enemies somehow turning his beloved plants against him.
He wouldn't dare weaponize them, so he would make sure they could not do the same. Oh, how he despised that Pamela Isley, using the greenery she claimed to love as her method of destruction. Plants were a few of the only true innocents in this world much like puppies, babies and Lin-Manuel Miranda, to use them in such a way went beyond Lex's principles and beliefs.
Most of his plants were scattered amongst the hotels he stayed at, though he kept a number of seedlings on his person (as well as his beloved Rose of Jericho) in case he stayed longer. No matter where he stayed, he always demanded the penthouse suite. Not for the views, or the space, or anything that most would assume. Only for the simple fact that it gave him access to the roof. Nowadays, hundreds of hotels around the country were adorned with a beautiful flowerbed, some being fortunate enough to earn an apple tree, if he decided their service warranted such kindness. And that was how he liked his gardens. Variety. He would take a sapling or a seed pod just to see it flourish under his care. They weren't usually the same kind, hence the orange tree in the new rooftop garden of the Gotham Hilton.
As he stood atop the Metropolis Marriott, however, Lex decided to be a little more… experimental. Wheat stalks, imported from Kansas, waved in the high city breeze. Fingertips brushed their feathered tops as he watered his new wards. He was undoubtedly proud of this new venture, as he was with everything he did that succeeded. However, something seemed… off… about these particular stalks. The ones planted by that charming Kent woman who supplied him with the seeds were far taller and sturdier than his. He had originally supposed that it was due to them still being young, yet as the weeks went by, and he returned to take care of them, he became aggravated at their refusal to grow.
Help came in the most unexpected of ways.
Kal-El, son of Jar-El, flew through the Metropolis city area that he now called home on a rather damp day. Why was he doing so while the clouds barely held in their rain? Because it was all over the news that Lex Luthor had come to the city for the Charity Ball. Now, Kal was normally optimistic, and believed in second chances, as his country provided. But Luthor was a special case. He seemed to revel in his attempts to destroy the Man of Steel, and Kal had come to the conclusion that Luthor was an irredeemable, God forgive his potty-mouth, jerk.
So here was on this dreary morning, scouting out where Luthor could be. Some snooping the day before told him that his arch-nemesis was staying in the Marriott. This sent Kal's mind racing. Why would Luthor be staying in a hotel when Metropolis was his hometown? His suspicions arose when he heard Lex demanding the penthouse suite in a raised voice. First of all, anybody who treated service employees that way was surely nefarious. And second, why would Luthor be so desperate for the penthouse? He decided to go investigate, swooping low to make sure he wasn't seen. Sneaking around the back way, he managed to avoid detection all the way to where Luthor was… humming? Must be in a good mood then. What plot could he be cooking to make him so happy?
Peeking around, he got his answer, which was…
No. Way.
Lex had no idea how he'd been found out. He was always so careful to not leave a trail that anybody could follow, and yet, somehow, he'd been tracked. He prayed for his hearing to be deceiving him, but there was no mistaking the sound that graced his ears. Someone was with him in the garden penthouse. His sanctuary. He took a deep, steadying breath, pulled himself onto his feet, took off his bright yellow gardening gloves, and cleared his throat.
"I know you're there, you may as well come out of your hiding place,"
A moment's silence. And then, the unmistakable sound of his arch enemy muttering under his breath, "Darn,"
Lex groaned internally as Superman came out from behind the AC.
"Hello, Superman," he wanted to scream. He wanted to yell and punch a wall. Of all the people to find out his secret, it absolutely had to be him, didn't it?
"Alright, Luthor, whatever you're planning, it ends now!" the Boy scout of steel declared with that oh-so grating self-righteous bravado he had perfected. "What is it? Trying to put a mind-control drug into the world's grain supply?"
"No," Luthor said flatly. He was not in the mood for their usual back and forth.
"Mutated wheat monsters to terrorise the city and destroy me?"
"No,"
"...Radioactive bread?"
"No! I'm gardening, you annoying buffoon!" Luthor exploded, "Gardening! I am just gardening! Am I not allowed to have a hobby, a single normal, redeeming quality? These damn wheat stalks haven't been growing all that well for the past month and I honestly don't need you adding to my stress, you insolent fool!"
At this, Superman leaned over to inspect the stalks, surprisingly serious. He actually seemed to be concerned about the stalks. How… surprising.
"Your pH is off." the spandex clad hero said with a tone of finality, leaning back and crossing his arms.
"What?" was all Luthor could manage.
"The soil is too acidic in the city." Superman elaborated, sounding like an expert, "You gotta add some lime to raise your levels."
"..."
Did… did Superman, his arch nemesis, just give him advice? On how to grow wheat?
"And you're sure this works?"
"Oh yeah, absolutely. Crops shoot right up. Soil acidity is a pretty common issue, actually. With the amount you have, you probably only need one lime though."
Lex Luthor, smartest man on the planet was, for the first time in his life, completely stumped. "And… that's all I need? No fertiliser or…"
"No, not at all. Well, if you're on a deadline, you can use manure, but if it's a patch as small as this, I'm guessing this is just for personal use, so you don't really need it," Superman pulled up to his full height, raising an irritatingly perfect eyebrow. "I don't suppose this means you're… you know…"
The criminal mastermind smirked and rolled his eyes. "Oh, you naive simpleton. No, this isn't me turning over a new leaf, pun intended. Rest assured if our roles were reversed, this conversation would never have happened. You would be dead, and I would be opening a bottle of 60 year scotch in celebration,"
The Man of Steel seemed to deflate slightly, his shoulders slumping a little, and Luthor could have sworn that, for a moment, he looked like someone he'd met, but who? His mind had been clouded by confusion and anger, he couldn't pinpoint where he'd seen this lookalike! Ah well, questions for another time. Superman sighed. "Yeah, I suppose it was too much to ask for. That you'd change just because you've got a green thumb,"
"Tell anyone about this and I'll destroy you," Luthor snapped, quickly.
Kal's eyes widened for a moment, then nodded. "Scout's honour," he gave a three-fingered salute, smiling.
"Oh, of course you were actually in the boyscouts…" Luthor pinched the bridge of his nose in a mixture of satisfaction and disgust. Superman went to fly off, and Lex did something that he never thought he would have to do. "Superman!"
The man of steel stopped in mid-air, turning. "Yeah, Luthor?"
"... Thank you," he felt like vomiting. He just thanked his nemesis, the man he had pledged to kill!
"Oh, uh, no problem," Superman seemed just as shocked, flying away as quickly as possible. "Huh," he muttered to himself. "I guess he's not all that bad…"
The next day Lex put Superman's advice into practice. Lo and behold, a week later had his wheat stalks growing tall and strong. The businessman watched the feathered tops sway in the wind with a smile on his face, the sight of their serene movement calmed him after a haggering day trying to add the last details of the Charity Ball. It appeared that Superman indeed knew that he was talking about.
Unfortunately a day later had Lex packing his things to travel once again. Mournfully he looked back one last time at the stalks he had just coaxed to grow, and leaving them behind now hurt a little. Still, life was like that sometimes, so with a slightly heavy heart he boarded the plane to China for a technological deal.
Months later, when Lex returned to the penthouse, he already had more seeds on hand to replace the ones he had lost. Only… the stalks were still there. Tall and strong, swaying in the wind. It only took him a moment to realise what had transpired in his absence. He heard the whooshing of a humanoid figure flying away from the skyscraper, saw the footprints in the discarded soil, and the finger indents in the soil around the stalks. Of course, the biggest giveaway was the fact that the stalks had been rearranged into the shape of an S inside a diamond.
Really?
A smile, strained but genuine, graced his face before taking out his watering can and gloves. He had work to do.
The stalks of wheat swayed in the wind, as far as the eye can see. An older woman, dressed in overalls and work boots, surveyed the work of her employees and herself. A serene smile spread, especially when she heard the tell tale sign of her only son landing just outside the field.
"Clark's home!" she called, heading over to him. The woman's husband came jogging out of the barn, a grin plastered on his face, and joined his wife walking towards their super son.
"Hey Ma, Pa!" Clark laughed out as he hugged the much shorter woman, "How's the crops doin'?"
"Season's been good to us, we have a high yield this year." Pa Kent replied proudly.
"Hey, uh, by any chance, did you sell any seeds to anyone at LexCorp?" Clark probed nervously, trying to be inconspicuous.
"You caught Lex, didn't you?" Ma answered flatly.
"... How could you tell?"
"I watched you grow up, Clark." Ma Kent replied with an almost exasperated sigh, "I know when you're keeping a secret,"
Clark could do nothing but sigh in return. Nothing gets past Ma Kent.
R: So? What did you think? Did you enjoy this insanity? What do you think the next supervillain hobby should be? Leave a review with your suggestion, and we'll see if we can make it into a thing!
The way this'll work is that any DC NATBs will be here, on Oni's account, and any Marvel stuff will be on mine, Ryuko Monogatari! So make sure you follow both of us to see when the next one is out! Bye all, have a lovely Schlunday!
Oni: And we will see you next time, My Pretties!