Never Be Her
It would never be her. And it hurt.
It would never be her. And it hurt.
It would never be her that Inuyasha yearned for. It would never be her that he really saw. It would never be her that he loved.
Oh, she knew Inuyasha loved her, in his own way. She could tell by the way he firmly grasped her thighs when carrying her, careful not to drop her as he raced around feudal Japan. How he watched over her so carefully at night, like her own personal guard dog. And especially by how fiercely he protected her during battles, always willing to take any attack aimed at her.
Yes, Inuyasha did love her, but not in her way, the right way. He loved her like he loved Sango and Miroku, even Shippo. He loved her like a friend, maybe even a sister. But not how she loved him. Never like how she loved him. Never like how he loved Kikyo.
And it hurt.
It hurt to know that no matter how much she loved and wanted him, no matter how hard she tried to stand out to him, to make him love her, it would never be enough. She would never be enough.
Not that she hadn't tried. She was slow? She started running every day, increasing her speed and stamina. She was weak? She began training with Sango, improving her strength, learning to defend herself, and even learning a few offensive moves, just in case. She was useless? She honed her spiritual powers until she could take down opponents on her own, until going against her in combat was a situation to be feared, until even Sesshomaru witnessed her improvement and began to respect her abilities.
But despite all that, Kikyo was faster, stronger, better. Always better. It would never be her because she was not Kikyo, and to Inuyasha it had always been, would always be Kikyo.
And it hurt.
Oh how it hurt. A dull, continuous ache in the left side of her chest that made it hard to breath, hard to concentrate, hard to think about anything about him... and her. A sharp jab of pain that stabbed at her insides when she noticed his unannounced disappearances from camp that drove tears to her eyes, a lump to her throat, and persistent doubt at her own self worth to her mind. And, eventually a searing streak of lighting that ripped across her heart, burning and scarring it, that left her completely numb when he ran off to save Kikyo instead of her.
That night, after Inuyasha left to care for her incarnation, Kagome crept from their camp to a peaceful glade not too far away from her companions. She sat in the cool grass, surrounded by dark, looming trees and even darker thoughts, and looked to the sky in contemplation. She watched the stars twinkle, so much brighter here than in her own era, and the moon bathe her resting place in its own cold light. That night, she just needed to get away. She just needed peace. Peace from all the hurt, all the doubts, and now peace to contemplate the raw numbness in her heart and soul.
Apparently, peace was not something the kami desired the Shikon Miko to have, for shortly after she had settle herself down, company appeared in the form of Lord Sesshomaru walking stoically into her glade.
She greeted him quietly, politely, and returned to her contemplative state. Surprisingly, he broke the silence from across the grass. He commented on her skills in battle, his words almost a compliment, but his cold tone downplaying any warmth they might have caused in her. She couldn't help but laugh at his words, not quite caring how the laugh offended him (for no one found amusement at Lord Sesshomaru's expense) or how it made his hackles rise. His youki grew heavy and he 'hn'd' at her dismissal at his almost praise with narrowed eyes, and she knew that his 'hn' was a demand for explanation.
So she told him. She told him how he was mistaken, how she wasn't fast, or strong, or good enough. How it was her own mistakes that had gotten her injured. How they almost lost the shard the whole battle earlier had been about because of her hesitation. How Inuyasha blamed her for Kikyo's current state. And as she finished explaining her reasons for ignoring his kind-of compliment, she found that she couldn't stop talking. The dam had been opened and now that all the thoughts and words and hurt were coming out, she couldn't stop it. She told him about her feelings for his hanyou half-brother, about her quest for improvement, her desire to make Inuyasha see her, and about her fears of inadequacy. But most of all, she told him how it hurt.
After everything was said and done and her pain was out in the open, he remained quiet for a long while, almost as if he was thinking about her situation. After a bout of silence that she thought would never end, he approached her, looked down at her and spoke those familiar words to her in his own calm, matter-of-fact way.
"It will never be you."
And the words hit her and they hurt, oh, how they hurt, but he said it so clearly, so simply, that she felt as if the film that had stained her vision had been lifted from in front of her eyes. There was a pause, a moment of painful realization, and then, finally, a feeling of peace. And with a bitter, healing half-smile, she answered him.
"... I know."
He stared at her for a moment, as if weighing her honesty before tilting his head slightly in acceptance of her words.
Silence spanned between them again, both looking to the sky in quiet contemplation. She broke it this time with thanks for his company and words. He remained quiet for a moment, but eventually replied. He commented on her improvement (not quite praise, as there was nothing praising about stating the honest truth) and continued on to tell her she could still improve.
She stared at him with broken eyes.
"For who?"
For if she was not training for Inuyasha, for his attention, his praise, his recognition, then who was she doing it for?
And he replied in his cold way, but with a determined and knowing look in his eye.
"For all the people Naraku has harmed. For your companions. For you."
Her spine shot straight and she froze for a moment at his words. Then, almost as if testing the words, more of a question than anything else-
"For me..."
Another pause. Gold eyes held blue in the chilly night air. And then the demon lord's lip curled up slightly as he witnessed the change in the miko's eyes, the sharpness returning and the blue brightening until they almost rivaled the moon's glow.
"For me."
The next morning, she announced to her companions that Sesshomaru had offered to help train her further and she had accepted his proposition. The weather was rapidly becoming cold and soon they would not be able to search for the shards, or Naraku, with as much ease as they did in the warmer months. Now would be the perfect time to train, she argued, since they would be making little progress anyways and her time would be better spent getting stronger than getting sick in the frigid snow.
Sango, Miroku, and Shippo accepted her logic and her decision to return with Sesshomaru to his fortress to continue training. After all, Sesshomaru was now an ally (after a proposition to join forces to fight against the ever-strengthening Naraku), and a powerful one at that. If anyone could help their Kagome improve anymore, it would be him.
The returned Inuyasha, however, was not so agreeable. He may now be an ally, but he was still Sesshomaru, still his hated half-brother, and the furious hanyou had a few choice words to say about her and her decision.
Despite the previous night and her new found acceptance, his words cut through her like a knife. And it hurt. It hurt and it would continue to hurt for a long while, she realized. But there was no way for her to heal from the pain if the wounds were constantly jabbed at.
So, with a nod, a sad smile, and a quiet goodbye, she left.
The weeks passed quickly at the demon lord's fortress, the winter so long and frigid that even Naraku was oddly inactive. Sesshomaru brought the most powerful miko he could find into his home to aid Kagome with her spiritual powers. He himself saw to her physical training, helping her perfect her archery and increase her familiarity with swords and other melee weapons. What few battles there were were long and grueling in the heavy snow and they were the few times that Kagome saw glimpses of her old companions. As soon as the battle was over, after barely having time to greet and hug her friends, Sesshomaru would whisk her back to the fortress to train.
It was a few weeks after he had initially brought her to his home that the first encounter occurred. It was the first time in a long while that she had seen her old companions and her abilities had improved greatly. Naraku hadn't counted on the Shikon Miko's growing power, so his puppet was easily defeated with everyone's efforts. And after the snow and blood had settled, she launched herself at Sango and Miroku and Shippo and gathered them in a hug so tight and loving that they all seemed to become one. Someone was missing, however. Over the top of her friends' heads, she could see her hanyou looking in their direction. But then he glanced over his shoulder, at the soul collector that was gliding away, and Kagome had to look away because she knew. She knew where Inuyasha would go. Not to their group hug. Not to her. Because it would never be her.
"It hurts," She sobbed later that night as she scrubbed the dried blood off of her body. "It hurts," She cried as she crossed her arms over her chest, knees up, as she struggle to hold all the pieces of herself together.
Despite her best efforts to be quiet, Lord Sesshomaru was quite attuned to her moods after their weeks of company and was in her chambers before she knew it, sweeping towards her as she trembled in her shallow wooden bath tub.
He picked her up, ignoring her nudity and the water that dripped off of her body, and sat down on her futon, curling her onto his lap. He held her, cradling her head with a hand, much as he did Rin when she was upset, and yet totally different. She clung to him, tears dampening his clothes as softening sobs wracked her frame.
"It hurts," She cried, her hand coming up to claw at her chest where her heart lay.
"I know." He told her, disengaging her abusing grip from her chest, ignoring the red welts she had raised on her sensitive flesh. "I know. Give it time."
Her cries slowly grew silent until all that remained were occasional sniffle.
It hurt.
But it would heal.
It would just take time.
And not once did Sesshomaru let go of her hand.
The weeks continued to pass and soon the snow had melted and warmth was once again returning to the land. Her training completed, for now, she returned to her old group with Sesshomaru in tow to hunt down the last of the shards and defeat Naraku.
They had barely been reunited for a few minutes before the buzzing of hell wasps overwhelmed the peaceful air and the day was splattered with death and blood as the final battle with Naraku exploded into being.
After many hours of taunts and struggle and injuries, it was over. Naraku was defeated, the heart and soul of Onigumo and everyone he had harmed finally at peace, and the Shikon no Tama was complete. Soon the Jewel was gone, Kagome making the right wish and freeing the souls of Midoriko and Magatsuhi from their eternal fight.
Cheers and sighs of relief were heard from all parties and Kagome rushed to see to their injuries. Inuyasha, as expected, was difficult, but after tackling him in a congratulatory hug, and a happy exclamation, he was subdued enough to let her heal his wounds. After seeing to her friends and healing them, she worked her way across the battlefield to her stoic inu Lord. As she walked across the destroyed ground, she saw Inuyasha's ears perk up and him jump to his feet as if he hadn't had a sword through his thigh not minutes before. Quietly, she watched as he looked around the battlefield, avoiding her gaze, before dashing off after the soul collector that had slinked through the trees.
No, it would never be her that Inuyasha would want to hold tenderly through the night or desire to kiss lovingly. It would never be her that he truly desired. But now, looking up at Sesshomaru as she leaned against his side, soaking up his warmth and silent affection and approval as she remembered the past few months she had spent in the demon lord's company, she truly came to terms with it all.
To Inuyasha, it would never be her. And it had hurt.
But with Sesshomaru, it was always her, would always be her.
And it felt wonderful.
It felt like love.
Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi
a/n: Hey guys, it's been a while, eh? My first story in a long time.
I apologize for any and all mistakes; I think I might have switched tenses, but it's difficult for me to keep them straight. I should probably look into getting a beta to help me out... Feel free to point out any mistakes and I'll fix them as soon as possible; I wrote a majority of this in one go at four in the morning haha. Mistakes aside, I hope this return piece is enjoyable!
As a quick note, it wasn't my intention to paint Inuyasha in a bad light. There are two sides to every story and I feel that Kagome isn't the only one hurting. Maybe I'll do a version of this story from Inuyasha's perspective.