*writes a oneshot nobody cares about instead of updating my other fics*

Idk where this came from, I guess I was just feeling angsty at 1am yesterday. There's something deeply tragic in Sasuke losing the last thing he lived for just as he was finally ready to begin anew. It's short and messy, but yeah. Think I'll go read some fluff after this.

it's hard to breathe sometimes

.

It had been years since Sasuke had left for his redemption journey, slowly working on building back the pieces of everything he had discarded for revenge so that he could feel whole again – but it had all been for naught.

When he had heard, he hadn't felt sorrow or sadness or grief. He only felt numb. His mind had narrowed in on the one fact written in neat scrawl across the slip of paper delivered by his hawk, and it was as if his own life-force had stopped after that exact moment.

Sakura is dead. The funeral is in a few days.

Sasuke had returned to the village as quickly as he could. Konoha hadn't felt like a home to him in many years, but it did so even less now.

He didn't make it in time for the ceremony, but there were still a few people milling about to tell him he hadn't been that far off.

It turned out Sakura had died on an S-class ANBU mission. The fact that she had made it to ANBU barely registered in his mind, because he was staring at the tombstone, at her name amongst others on her squad that had died on the same mission with her.

She didn't even get her own tombstone – was that how little Konoha appreciated Sakura, apprentice of one of the legendary Sanin, holder of the Yin Seal, part of Team 7?

It was the first thought that occurred to his mind, that she deserved more. He felt a burning anger for Konoha build back up inside him, the place that had took away everything away from him, the place he had worked so hard on to forgive, the place where he now only associated with death. Apparently they didn't care enough to commemorate her with her own tombstone. Sakura was to be treated like just another one of their soldiers, when they clearly knew how much more she was –

He knew thinking about this wasn't going to do anything good. Unbidden, the last words she had said to him floated up to his mind.

"What if...what if I said I wanted to go with you?"

He couldn't help but wonder how different things would've been now if he'd only accepted her offer all those years ago. But he hadn't, and now Sakura was dead. Dead because of him. He was partly to blame, because if he had said yes, then this wouldn't be happening.

No, he had to stop himself from thinking like this. This wasn't his fault. She had died because of an S-rated ninja, not because of him.

He breathed in through his nose, not daring to look at the tombstone anymore, taking notice of his surroundings instead. Shikamaru was approaching him, bandages fresh and abundant enough that Sasuke knew he had to have been on the same mission as Sakura. That he had survived.

Why did he get to live and Sakura –

"I'm sure you're glad to be alive," he drawled.

Shikamaru stopped dead in his tracks, anything he had been about to say disappearing from his lips. He fixed the Uchiha with a glare. "You don't get to speak to me like that, Sasuke, no matter how hurt you are. Those were my comrades, don't you dare insinuate I don't mourn for them. I have been by their side for my whole life. That's more than you can say. You didn't get to see them grow for the last past years, but I did."

And he was right; Sasuke didn't get to see that, because he wasn't here. How had Sakura changed? How much stronger had she become? How much had she grown, or how much more had she accomplished?

Sasuke gritted his teeth, a hatred not for Shikamaru, but for himself running hot in his veins. He turned to leave, the emptiness yawning further open within him.

And then he saw Naruto.

The words were out before he could stop them. "How could you let this happen? You were supposed to protect her!"

"Sasuke," Naruto said, and his voice sounded drained, "Please, don't. I'm as broken as you right now–"

"Broken?" Sasuke said, an incredulous laugh bubbling from his throat as he found that yes, he did have some emotion left in him, after all. "I didn't get to know her. That was supposed to come later – later when I–"

He couldn't say it. He couldn't even say her name.

He was supposed to come back, free of his sins and finally able to start again, and she was supposed to be there, waiting for him like she always was, and he would be home. He had thought he had been doing the right thing when leaving. He had never expected to return like this.

Sasuke didn't ask how it happened. It was clear from the skill of the squad that had been dispatched that the enemy had been especially tough, and he knew that she had fought hard. He didn't ask because it would make it too real, and he would spend days thinking if only she had just done this instead–

Sasuke didn't want to disrespect her like that, because Sakura wouldn't just let herself be killed without doing anything about it.

He didn't even want to know who, because as tempting as it was to revert to his old inclination of being an avenger, he hadn't even the will to carry it out anymore. He knew from experience how fruitless it could be, and what more did he have to live for?

Naruto laid a hand on his shoulder. "She loved you, you know."

Sasuke remained silent.

He stood there long after everyone had left, long after the sun had set and even Naruto had retreated back to the Hokage tower.

He didn't know what to do. But more importantly, he didn't care. His final chance at happiness in this world had gone.

The people he had loved most had died and taken every last piece of his heart with them.