Deadpool: Tea Party with an Arsonist
It was a bright and sunny afternoon in New York City as our hero stands on top of a building overlooking the city that he protects. He proudly wears his red and black suit, with his twin katanas on his back, and pistols at his waist; he stands ever vigilant against evil.
Deadpool yawns, extremely bored, "ya know, this would be a lot better if it was like raining. Oh! Especially if it was like midnight or something, yeah that would be much better!" Certainly if our brave hero were to look at a news report or even owned a watch, he would realize that the setting is a bright and sunny afternoon. "Hey! Do you want an exciting adventure, with lots of action, and maybe even a love interest that could cause some deep character growth on my end? If so, I think the setting needs a bit more sprucing up." While it is unlikely that our hero will ever grow as a character or a human being "I heard that!" It seems that our hero wishes to go the unconventional route, which may make this story a smidge more interesting for you, the readers. "The readers? I thought this story was about me?"
Anyway, it was a rainy, dreary midnight as our brooding hero overlooked the tortured city as its citizens cried out for the help of a savior. "Oh man, this is way more depressing than I thought it would be, can we go back to the old thing again? Also I think my suit is dry clean only." It seems our hero is at an impasse as his actions have now created a situation that he is uncomfortable with, but as me, the narrator is very offended by the hero's words, and now the hero must now learn to live with his actions. "Oh great, my mom is narrating this, story of my life."
As I was saying, the hero, known simply as Deadpool, was on an important mission. New York has been plagued by a deadly arsonist that has caused terrible damage to the city, and the tragic death of— "Woah woah woah! Are you trying to pass me off as some kind of hero? The Merc with the Mouth does not do heroics, he does cold hard cash." Fine, yes, there is a substantial bounty on the successful capture of said arsonist, known as the Jersey Devil. "There, see? Was that so hard to do, voice in the sky?" It seems that this narrator has perhaps bitten off more than he can chew. Our intrepid hero has tracked the Jersey Devil to an apartment complex in the Bronx, and he was just preparing his strategy for entering the building.
"All right, step one, fly through window. Step two; kick the bad guy's butt. Last but not least, turn him in and collect the reward, thus becoming more awesome." With his initial planning completed, Deadpool readied a special grappling gun he acquired just for this occasion. With the pull of a trigger, the hook embedded itself into the mortar of the apartment building across, where the villain lies. "Best twenty bucks I ever spent." After tying off the other end, he attaches a zip line to the cord. Like a shadow in the night, he glides through the air, suddenly realizing he miscalculated his shot and was heading straight for the wall, instead of the window he initially intended on crashing through. "Wait what?" With an embarrassing thud, Deadpool goes face first into the brick wall, slowly peeling off it and landing in a dumpster. "Not…my greatest moment in my career…time for plan B."
Our fearless hero's second attempt was an honest attempt at subterfuge. After walking into the apartment building, Deadpool decides to fool the Jersey Devil by dressing up as a pizza deliveryman, complete with hat, shirt, and even underwear. Unfortunately, for our illustrious hero, he neglected to remove his super hero outfit, though how he acquired a pizza, no one will know. The room the Jersey Devil was in, as his room blared with angry heavy metal music. Answering Deadpool's knock on the door was what seemed like the epitome of an angry man.
He stood near seven feet tall, wearing a flannel shirt without any sleeves and grungy brown pants. Greasy brown hair seemed to cover his body like some kind of Neanderthal, and wild green eyes that screamed hatred. "What do you want?" The Jersey Devil asked, his voice low like bomb being dropped.
"Hello sir! I have a delivery for a Mr. Jersey Devil! Say why do they call you the Jersey Devil anyway? Are you actually from New Jersey? Or maybe you just really like Satan, and were just seen congregating with other Satanists in the New Jersey area?" It was on this day that Deadpool wished he was more attentive, for if he were, he would have noticed the Venom Patch on his bounty's arm, a drug giving him unnatural strength. Hopefully, he will think back on this moment as the Jersey Devil through him through a wall and into the next tenants room.
The Hispanic family living in this room was most displeased with the sudden entrance of the masked bounty hunter. "That hurt…a lot. Oh, hey there, aw man are you having enchiladas? Can I have one?" Suddenly the Jersey Devil was after him before he could get an answer to his food-related question, and picked him up by his neck.
"I can't wait to burn your puny little body, just like I did that puppy!" Yes, it is true that the only casualty of the Jersey Devil's carnage was that of one, cute little puppy. It was at this moment, that Deadpool's eyes began to water.
"You…killed…a puppy?" He wiped off a tear, "ya know what, I don't even want the reward money anymore! There are just some things that you can't forgive." In a blur of red, Deadpool grabbed hold of the Devil's arm, using his legs to grip the arsonist's neck. Through a show of acrobatic superiority, he brought the giant down, now having the upper hand on the fire starter. "Hey Jersey Devil, what's black and blue and red all over?" Before he could respond, our stalwart hero snapped the Jersey Devil's neck in but a moment. "Get it? It was you!" He gave a triumphant laugh, then looked back to the frightened family cowering in their kitchen. "So uh…is that a no on the enchiladas?"