Look at the way he sits there in his own galaxy. It's as if nothing else around him exists or matters. Blaise Zabini, how do I even begin to describe him? Arrogant, cocky, wealthy are a few choice words that come to mind when speaking of his character, but there is something else there that I simply cannot put into words. He terrifies me to my very core. His silence in solitude demeanor is something to behold because no one is like him. I even believe Draco Malfoy is a bit intimidated by Blaise. In looks, there is no competition. Blaise takes the snitch all the way home in that department. The softness in his lips and the fire within his eyes, it makes me weak with desire. If only he allowed people to get close to him. I have tried to invite him to the after-match parties. No dice, he is completely not bothered with the things most people our age love. He makes me feel so small with a single glance. It bothers me. Why does one person have such an effect on me?
People mistake my friendship with Draco for love. This makes us laugh until the wee hours of the night as we top off our glasses with the warm, amber liquid known as Firewhiskey. It's our little secret that we don't necessarily deny, but we don't uphold it either. Sure, back a year or so, we had some type of 'relationship' or whatever you may call it, but love? Never in a million years could I love Draco. He is my best friend. We tell each other everything, up until recently that is. Lately, I have felt more alone and closed off from my friends. Draco, with his secrets that he cannot share with anyone, is the one person I have always been able to place my trust within and now he won't do the same. This is why I have found myself studying Blaise more and more often. I want to know what goes through his handsome head as he sits in the common room with his plethora of books. With the way he reads, he could give that mudblood Granger a run for her money. I find myself longing to be caressed by those strong hands. The gentle way he flips the pages of his book, I imagine the same gentleness on my skin. Blaise is too difficult to please though. His mother can be thanked for that. With her being widowed seven times, does he find it difficult to trust or maybe even to love?
I have come to realize that Blaise and I share so much in common. We both despise blood traitors and mudbloods of the like. Filth such as that belongs beneath those of us with pure-blood ancestry. We both come from money and devilishly good looks. In my mind, I think he could be my soul mate, but the problem? He has made it clear he loathes the idea of anything romantic with me. Perfectly clear.
"Let it go, Draco." Blaise sighed out, rubbing his temple as he left Double Potions. "I haven't a single interest in anyone here. Especially her."
"Blaise, don't be daft. Not a single one of the girls here calls to you? What's wrong with her anyway? She's been my best mate besides Crabbe and Goyle. She's a down right good time as well." Draco smirked, running his hand through his sleek hair. "She could keep you entertained for hours."
Something seemed to snap within Blaise as he pinned Draco against the cold stone wall of the dungeons, leaving his face inches from Draco's. "I don't have an interest in something so terribly used. Only the best for me and it's why not a damn one of these silly little school girls is enough. You should learn a thing or two rather than shag anything that walks." With a small shove, Blaise took a step back, turned on his heel and kept walking down the hall, rounding the corner as he disappeared into the crowd. Draco straightened out his robes, cursing under his breath. He looked up swiftly and his eyes met mine, his look filled with pity and regret. "Pansy…"
"Don't. I'm perfectly fine. Who cares anyhow?" I said simply, my voice void of any true emotion I felt. It didn't crush me nor break me, but it did sting a little. I walked to Draco's side, smiling as my hand found his shoulder. I looked into his tired eyes and asked, "Are you alright? Such an arrogant arse, that one. He had no proper reason to treat you as such." When Draco nodded that he was alright, but showed no sign of wishing to discuss the matter, we walked to the Great Hall for lunch, in silence. This was something that I was beginning to get used to with Draco. The gaunt look in his face disturbed his handsome features. If only he would let me be there, allow me in.
Blaise's words played over and over in my head as my feet hit the stone floor. Something so terribly used, is that really how he viewed me? If only he knew who I truly was. Sure, I have snogged my share of blokes over the years, but who hasn't snogged? Other than that, I was completely unused and he was poorly mistaken. A sigh slipped through my lips as we pushed open the large doors and made our way over to the Slytherin table and took our seats next to Crabbe and Goyle. My eyes scanned the Hall for him, but he is nowhere to be found, once again.
After nitpicking at a sandwich that I was not in the mood for, I excused myself from the table. My mind wandered over the homework Slughorn had given out that morning as I walked down to the Slytherin common room. Draught of Living Death and Felix Felices, a list of the ingredients and the side effects all due by next lesson as well as three feet on the benefits of both potions. Such a dreadful load to have on a nice day, it was a load of dragon dung alright. The weather wouldn't hold for much longer and there was already a slight chill to the evening air. I pulled my bag higher onto my shoulder as I stood in front of the door, racking my brain for the password.
"Pure-blood." His voice was cool and even as he pushed the door open, not bothering to hold it for anyone. I quickly caught it and let myself in, glaring at the back of his handsome head. It was as if he could feel my eyes because he actually spoke to me, a hint of laughter in his tone. I slipped my hands into my pockets as I listened intently.
"Having trouble remembering the slightest of things? Losing touch are we, Parkinson?" His chuckle rang through the empty common room and it's when I actually noticed we were completely isolated from everyone else. This shouldn't have made me nervous, but my hands quivered in my pockets, damp from the clamminess. I quickly rolled my eyes at his statement, unable to form a quick-witted retort.
"Since when has Pansy Parkinson not taken the opportunity to bludger people with her dangerously quick words? I am shocked, actually." He chuckled once more, sinking down into the leather sofa, pulling at his tie as he did so.
"Not in the best of moods today, that's all Blaise. May I ask for a rain-check on this proper little banter of ours?" I said with a bit of acid on the tip of my tongue, something he seemed to feel rather quickly. I looked away, digging within my bag for something to distract me. He was nothing but an arrogant arse. He didn't deserve my attention or my breath. My body was claiming otherwise though, the feeling of lightness that drifted within my being made me stupid with desire.
"Everything alright, Pansy? You sound a bit bitter." His eyes actually flashed with sympathy before returning to their icy gaze. Cold and empty, but with a fire that burned right through me was his consistent stare. It made me gulp rather dryly, not wanting to admit defeat to him. It would only give him more self-gratification than he ever deserved. Why did I find myself confessing anyway?
"Just wonderful, Blaise. Everything is so damn great when you hear you are, oh what was the phrase? Terribly used? Yeah, that's the one." The heat from my words seemed to not burn him as I wished they would. Maybe I was just making a fool of myself. His chin dipped down, his gaze was so intent on the floor, and I swore he could have made it disappear if he willed it. The moment of silence that hung between us about drove me to the peak of insanity when he finally spoke.
"What do you expect people to think of you, Pansy? Do you really expect people to buy that whole friendship act that you and Malfoy try to pawn off onto others? Well, it's a load if you ask me." A hand ran over his hair shaggy brown hair, frustration was the only thing that was clearly legible on his face. My knees had become weak, my heart thundered in my chest. I leaned back onto the wall behind me, grasping at anything to keep upright. I wouldn't let him get to me, not this time.
"I don't give a damn what people think. What I know is all that will ever matter." I swallowed roughly and it felt like I couldn't even do that right. "For what it's worth though, Draco is my friend and nothing more. It could never be him. Not when there's… Someone else." My slipup almost made me want to throw up or run. Possibly both. How could I have almost slipped to him that he was the only thing occupying my deepest and darkest desires?
"Regardless, you're sleeping around with blokes of the like. If only you knew what I truly went to bed thinking of you every night. I want to forget you. I want to forget the way your laugh fills the room. Or the way I can smell your perfume every night as you go to bed. Even though you put it on when you first wake up, I can still smell the soft hints of rose and lily flowers. Or the way you always count to ten before you take an exam. There's a side to you I will never know and I will always blame myself for that, but I refuse to fall for someone who forgets where she is supposed to lie." His eyes never left mine. There was such finality in his voice, it chilled my spine. My heart beat raced faster and harder than I ever had thought imaginable. It felt as if my heart was falling from my chest, but my hands were bound. I couldn't save it from breaking. Words were my only ally in this war.
"You don't know me at all then do you? What lies are you feeding yourself that you have become daft enough to believe such rubbish, Blaise? It's none of your bloody business, but I have yet to lie anywhere or with anyone. If this is your lame attempt at an apology, forget it. I don't know what you were hoping to achieve in that speech of yours, but consider me done. You are fire and I am rain. We cannot not exist together long before someone has to give." With those words, I finally felt my feet leave the ground as they carried me to the bottom of the stairs to the girl's dormitories. Tears threatened to overtake me, but my pride was too much of a match for the tears to ever win. I grasped the silver serpentine handle lightly, pushed the door in and that's when it happened.
His hands clasped my shoulders, how he got to me so quickly, I can't begin to fathom. My body spun around and my back became one with the door. Fear took over my thoughts as I looked into his face, my eyes searched for anything. I felt his hands, his warm hands that gripped my shoulder with such ease. It wouldn't take much for him to break me into tiny shards of nothing. I didn't know what to expect in that moment, but he just stood there. His eyes studied me for the longest time. The only sound that could be made out clearly was my ragged breathing. Possibly my heart beat, but I may have been the only one who could have heard the hammering. I wanted to ask a million questions, to run into my dorm or even to punch him, but I stood there frozen in fear. It seemed like ages before he finally moved. One of his hands lifted from my shoulder as he brought it to my face. His thumb ran over my lower lip slowly and tenderly, as if to simply feel it. The temperature of my body raised a few degrees in that moment. It was suddenly too hot to breathe.
"Blaise…" was all I could manage to say. He chuckled, still standing there as his hand fell to his side. He finally took a step back, his lips curved into a smirk that could break even the most solid foundation I could have ever built against him. The door to the common room opened as several second year girls came in, giggling uncontrollably. They all silenced upon seeing Blaise and I standing there, looking at one another. Could these girls tell the difference between loathing and lusting? I cleared my throat and shot daggers with my eyes at the girls.
"Keep moving or the floor will become your new best friend." I practically spat at them, needing something to bring me back to reality. They ran back out of the room and it was then I noticed Blaise had left. If was as if he was never even there to begin with, but the tingle in my lip proved a different truth and it terrified me. I quickly walked up the stairs, opening the door to my dormitory. My four poster bed sat in its corner, perfectly made. It called to me and I caved to its mockery. I allowed myself to fall into the plush cover as the tears began to fall slowly down my face. Never had I ever felt so utterly confused and bewildered by a single person. Who was he to do such a thing to me? Was he trying to prove some sick and twisted point? Was he toying with my emotions as he always did? I cannot remember a single moment that boy shared with anyone. Again, I felt completely alone. Isolated from what I wanted and what I needed.
I can't remember how long I cried for, but it was definitely dark by the time I finished. I sat up in my bed, looked around and instantly felt like a fool. I looked down to my tear stained pillow and sighed. I pulled out my wand from my sock, held it above my green satin pillow and whispered, 'Tergeo' to siphon the salty water. My wand sat in my palm with ease. It had never let me down. Was it possibly the only thing in this forsaken world that I could ever trust? With everyone on edge about The Dark Lord being at large once more, it seemed you could hardly trust your own reflection anymore. If only the wizarding community would come to its senses and turn that prat Potter in already. It was he the Dark Lord wanted, not the rest of us.
My mind and my stomach debated for several minutes on what I would do now. Eat or pity myself by going to sleep. Hunger won this time simply because I hadn't had a proper meal all day. My appearance alone was absolutely pathetic. I hardly recognized the girl in the mirror. The circles under my eyes would have to remain there for I was too tired to do anything about them. As for the red in my eyes, I prayed hard that it would fade rather quickly. There was no need to have people question me about petty nonsense. I slipped off the bed and grabbed my charcoal grey sweater, wrapping it tightly around myself and pulling the hood over my head. I wanted to be invisible more than anything. Maybe it was time to embrace the sufferer in silence that was begging within me. It was what everyone around me seemed to be doing these days. I opened my door and listened intently. I could make out the voices of Millicent and Goyle, but the third was too soft to interpret. It deemed safe enough as I walked down the winding stairs.
I jumped the last stair and took off towards the door. With a quick glance at the trio in the common room, it was some fourth year I didn't recognize, but she was really pretty. Something about her irked me to my being. I narrowed my eyes to her, but looked away when she met my gaze. She wasn't important to me now because all I could think about was getting something with sustenance into my stomach and how to keep Blaise away from my thoughts. As I walked quietly out of the common room, the castle felt eerily empty and dead tonight. They had cracked down on stupid rules and one was being somewhere you weren't supposed to be. Even Snape was more on edge than ever. People would soon realize who our true leader was and all would be right. It wouldn't be long now.
A sound of chatter and laughter alerted me that I hadn't missed dinner entirely. I pushed the doors open and made my way to the Slytherin table once more, placing myself between Draco and Daphne. The Cornish pasties practically danced onto my plate and I didn't waste any time devouring the morsels. I heard bits and pieces of people's conversations around me, but managed to remain completely unseen. After dinner wrapped up, Dumbledore made his typical evening speech before dismissing us all. I waved Draco on, not in the need of company at the moment. Once all was quiet in the Great Hall, I stood up. Before I walked away from the table, a thought of spontaneity hit me. I climbed on top of the long Slytherin table, hands at my side and casually danced across it. If anyone were to see me, they would possibly think, "Hanging around Loony Lovegood, are we?" I had to do everything in my power to not slip onto my arse right there.
"You keep doing that." My hand clutched at my heart, feeling it beat sporadically in my chest. "What do you want, Blaise? What could you possibly be bothered with? Don't waste my time either." My eyes narrowed his way and my mind wondered what more this guy could possibly do to shake me to my core. I walked all the way to the edge of the table where he stood. As I motioned to jump down, Blaise raised his hands and placed them on my waist where he lifted me gently, setting me back down onto the stone floor with ease. Never had I felt so light before. I wanted to question him and ask him what was going through his head. Did he like to get a rise out of me, but before I could even begin to process my train of thought, Blaise's hand found mine. He gently squeezed it as he whispered into the air in front of me, his words ghosting over me, "Walk with me?"
"Okay." It was the only thing I was able muster out. I pulled my hand from his grasp, not wanting to confuse the situation any more than it already was. We stood there awkwardly for a little while before I took the first step towards the doors. His feet matched my steps as we walked together. As intimidated as I felt, it was also oddly comforting to have someone around who could possibly understand me. I must have spent more time in the Great Hall than intended because it was completely dark in the corridors. I pulled open my satchel at my side, grabbing my Prefect badge from the inside pocket. With it pinned to my sweater, at least we wouldn't get into trouble for being out of bed after hours. We exchanged nothing but matched footsteps for the entire trip to the outside of the common room. I guess he did only want me to walk with him. It was driving me mad, this constant feeling of not knowing a damn thing. What could possibly come of this situation to benefit either of us? The clearest thing was our common factor of annoyance. It was obvious I had done things that bothered him and the same could be said of him. Why did I even bother wasting my time on him? We stood in front of the door to the common room. All it took was a simple word and we could walk back into the common room and go about our merry ways. Wait, why wasn't he rushing into the common room? Why wasn't he mocking me for not remembering the password for the umpteenth time? It was time for answers, no matter the outcome.
"Blaise, is… Is there something you wished to discuss with me? Is there an actual reason you keep popping up randomly?" It seemed to be the simplest start to this horrid conversation. His body turned towards mine before he answered. The way his eyes scanned my body made my insides squirm with a need. He was easily becoming my hardest habit to kick.
"I wanted to firstly apologize. I have been the upmost ass as of late and it was never my intention to hurt your feelings. I don't take too much joy in expressing my inner most feelings to anyone. Especially to someone who has potential to hurt me in return. Secondly, I wish to make up my earlier statement to you. If you'll allow me to, that is." With a small bow of his head, he stood straight up. His eyes gazed into mine and a small blush crept over my cheeks. This wasn't what I was expecting, not in the slightest.
"I don't know what to say, Blaise. I guess I am a little confused. Earlier, you made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with someone with the likes of me. Within a few hours that has changed? I need reasoning before I can commit to anything, friendly or not." I was learning the rules of the game faster than he expected, I was sure of it.
A chuckle escaped him too easily before he responded. "Pansy, you're being the daft one now. I was jealous of the people around you. Draco more than anyone, but you cleared that up. You exposed me to a truth I had thought to be long lost in the past. I began to look upon you as a missed opportunity rather than a new beginning. I want nothing more than to be able to know you, the real you. The one, like me, you keep hidden from prying eyes." He took a step towards me, holding out his hands. I wasn't sure how to respond. Were my hands supposed to take his, was I to reject him? Why was this so damn confusing? I simply stood there, my arms folded across my chest. I still wasn't sure if I wanted to trust him. For all I knew, he could be up to some sly trick and I wasn't ready to go down just yet.
"Blaise, I don't know. I still stand by what I said before. You are fire and I am rain. Someone will get hurt and I refuse to be the one who gets burned. You want me to give you a chance? You have to prove your worth. Make me see that you're worth my time. You may have a taste in only the finer things, but you're not the only one. I only want the best as well and suddenly I am not sure you're within that grasp of my reality." His hands fell back down to his sides, anger flitted across his face. I was pushing him to a point I wasn't sure either of were ready for, but it was now or never and for once I was choosing the now. I took another step towards him, enclosing our proximity. I heard his breathe coming out shallow, but even. I leaned into him and whispered, "I'm willing to be patient, but not stupid. If you really mean all of the pretty little statements you said, you'll try as hard as you can. I am putting my faith into you, don't screw it up."
Everything happened rather quickly, but in that moment, I swore it could have been a year before either one of us realized what was going on. His hands reached out and took my face. He pulled me towards him with agility and gentleness as his lips crashed onto mine. I didn't fight him either because it was the most magical moment I had ever felt. The way his lips matched mine in ferocity, it made my heart practically jump out of my chest. Our lips moved across each other, as if it we were in fourth year again and we were dancing at the Yule Ball. It was a complex dance, but yet when we began it was if we had known the steps our entire lives. My hands reached up to the back of neck where they rested comfortably. I tangled my fingers within his soft brown hair, pulling him closer to me. I wanted this moment to last forever, but alas our lips eventually parted. Our eyes held one another's gaze for a few long moments before he finally spoke.
"Meet me in the Room of Requirement. Tomorrow evening around seven. Please, just meet me there." Without waiting for my response, he kissed my forehead and rushed into the common room. I didn't need to respond to him because we both knew I was a fool if I wouldn't show. When the door closed, I leaned against the wall and slid down its length. A smile crept across my lips as I began to slowly laugh. It was a perfect moment and I think it was only the beginning to several more perfect moments to come.