Author note: I've been writing protocols for different diseases and behaviour problems, as well as a "new puppy" handout. Since my handwriting is horrible, I try to have everything typed out neatly in laymen's terms. Of course, it carries over to my dreaming and this is the result. It's a bit rough on the French, but I mean it all in fun. Really.

10 Tips for you and your new Bellringer

You managed to find Quasimodo and convince him to come home with you. Now that he's in his new home, you may be asking yourself many questions. This guide will certainly make life easier for both you and him. First and foremost, you must learn either French or Latin and become fluent if he is to understand you. Parisian French is recommended, as Quebecois may be too far removed from his native language.

1. Get a firm mattress and soft pillow. He may be accustomed to straw, yet you must remind him that this new way of sleeping is best. It may be necessary to place a few flakes near the bed, as to acclimatize him. Wheat straw is best, as it is less dusty than oat or rye. Do not use rape straw (canola), as the word may scare him and he will refuse to sleep with you.

2. You will need to book him a massage ASAP. After such a long flight, he will be rather tense, not to mention the high levels of stress he is currently under. If a masseuse is unavailable, or he is feeling self-conscious, it is acceptable to give him one yourself. As well, his back may be sore from that kid that was kicking his seatback for the entire trip.

3. Your bellringer is used to just that, ringing bells. It is advised that you meet with a welder and have several bells built in different keys. Ideally, these will be hung in a tall structure such as a barn or abandoned silo and have thick jute rope for pulling. Nylon is too slippery and light and he will not be able to hang from the bells as he is accustomed. Other options include arranging bell-time at the local church. Barring that, a home gym may work well. A carillon CD may be required. Ignore comments about how bad the ringers are, or that chimes are nothing compared to the real thing for fear of being caught in a week-long debate.

4. The shower is an oddity to the most Frenchmen. It would be best to approach this subject carefully. Once he is accustomed to water and the concept of soap, you may gradually introduce conditioner, toothpaste, deodorant and other novelties. Your bellringer is an intelligent individual and should learn quickly once he's overcome his fear.

5. Please do not overfeed your bellringer, as he's not accustomed to eating hamburgers, pizza, pasta and curry. Wine and rolls are a necessity. You may them at the nearest "Depaneur".

6. You may feed him at the table, as his manners are expected to be impeccable. This is an inborn French tendency, which should be present even though he's been locked up in a bell tower for heaven-knows-how-long.

7. If he places his hands together, closes his eyes and mumbles to himself, do not be alarmed. He is likely praying and will cease after a few minutes. He is not having a seizure, nor does he have fleas. Remove all pagan and anti-theological materials from his living area to improve comfort. Similarly, do not be alarmed if he begins talking with garden gnomes or decorative planters shaped like gargoyles. This behaviour should self-extinguish after a few months or years. Or decades. Or not at all. Plant sickly plants in said planters, the attention may help them grow.

8. Your bellringer may be rather self-conscious about the appearance of his face. Remind him that you love him just the way he is whenever he gets down, yet at the same time discourage co-dependency. Quasimodo needs to develop his own confidence.

9. It is advisable to socialize your bellringer as much as possible. As objectionable as it may be, it may be comforting for him to attend masses. As Quebec is only 23km away, it would be best to take him to Notre Dame du Nord weekly. This way, he may enjoy bells, mass and the company of other French people. Warm cheese curds, room-temperature wine, tourtiere, sugar-pie, long skinny loaves of bread and the like may appeal to him.

10. You will need to either book a seamstress or buy a sewing machine at the local Wal Mart. Do not try to purchase one elsewhere, there is only one place to buy them locally and that is the Wal Mart. Due to Quasimodo's unique shape, you will need to purchase 5x mens' shirts and take them in at the shoulders, adding the extra fabric to the top. Do not buy plaid fabric, use solid colours only. Long sleeves will not fit him, don't even bother trying.

Hopefully you will enjoy many happy years with your bellringer. Please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns regarding French wines, swearwords, booking a masseuse or info on why the French like dental veneers and the colour red. Please ask for the following info sheets if you are interested.

· Carillon and carrion: what's the difference?
· Pealing at strange hours: how to discourage 3h00 ringings
· You can turn right on red and how to signal: driving 101