Harry Potter and the Order of the Peacock
Redirected by Emily Claus
PLEASE NOTE: These scripts are written as a continuation of Darth Maligna's first two. So don't kill me if the ideas aren't 100% original.
EMILY'S LAWYER: Before we begin, I would like to announce the fact that this is a parody. If you'd prefer to see every exact detail, please just read the friggin' book already. Or watch the movie, which this is based off of more, due to the fact that it takes much less time. Also, Emily would like me to add here that it's not because she's lazy. Finally, I must cover copyright issues: if you think Emily owns Harry Potter or anything about it, you've got to be absolutely insane. JKR owns it, so screw you. Thank you.
EMILY: Yo!
AUDIENCE: Well, that was an… interesting way to begin.
EMILY: Eh, I like to change things up a little. But anyway, back on schedule: welcome to my redirecting of Harry Potter and the Order of the Peacock!
AUDIENCE: Peacock, huh?
EMILY: Hey, they're both birds, right? Same difference.
AUDIENCE: Right… It's times like these when we wonder why we're still here.
EMILY: Oh, you'll get over it. Eventually. And hey, meet Liza! Most of you already know her, but now she's my DA – Director's Assistant!
LIZA: I am getting paid for this, right?
EMILY: Pfft, who said anything about that? You're along for the ride; trust me.
LIZA: Right…
AUDIENCE: Well, she looks sane enough. I suppose we're okay with that.
EMILY: Good! Now, Liza, at the beginning I always-
LIZA: Emily. It's not like I haven't read them before.
EMILY: Well, fine, then!
AUDIENCE: *debating whether two is worse than one or not, even if one does appear to be sane from a distance*
Okay, so we begin the film in a park that looks literally just like the one in the third movie, just in a different place – or maybe not; it's hard to tell – and it's very hot. Or so we can assume from the ominous weather forecaster voice in the background.
VOICE: Well, it's easily around 100 degrees now; probably just as hot in about a minute… Yup, exactly the same. Am I the best weatherman ever or what?
AUDIENCE: Hm. Sounds like someone we know.
EMILY: Hey, if you were talking about me-
LIZA: I think they meant Lockhart.
EMILY: Oh. Well, in that case… And, hey! You're not supposed to agree with them.
LIZA: Why not?
EMILY: Because… that's just what we directors do! It's what separates US from THEM.
LIZA: …Why?
EMILY: Because, I… uh… grr. Never mind, then.
Harry is sitting on the swing set looking very depressed as Emily and Liza occupy the two on the other side.
HARRY: Gah! Don't you have a life?
EMILY: Nope! You? No, wait. I own yours – hah!
HARRY: Shut up. And who's that?
LIZA: Hi, I'm Liza.
EMILY: You've already met her, genius. Fred went to the Yule Ball with her. Or was it George? I can't tell the two apart.
LIZA: It was Fred.
EMILY: That's what I said. Hey, and it rhymes!
HARRY: There you go, ignoring me again! It's annoying.
EMILY: You're seriously confused, Harry. Apparently I'm annoying when I talk to you, but now also when I ignore you. There's no middle ground.
LIZA: Maybe you're just annoying in general?
EMILY: Stop agreeing with everyone!
LIZA: Hey, it's not as bad as you saying 'sure' all the time.
EMILY: That's… different.
HARRY: *utterly confused*
EMILY: She's my Director's Assistant, meaning she'll be around a lot more often. And don't think it was because I was getting sick of you, just that… No, wait. That was it.
LIZA: Gosh, you're terribly mean to your cast!
EMILY: Do I have to tickle you in front of an audience or will you shut up?
AUDIENCE: Oh, so now you're threatening your assistant?
EMILY: What, you're siding with her? You guys are all traitors! *runs out of the scene dramatically*
EVERYONE: …Right.
Enter Dudley and his band of evil bullies!
DUDLEY: Hello, Potter.
HARRY: Hey, Big D. Beat up another 10-year-old?
DUDLEY: This one deserved it! Said she could do whatever she wanted because her sister was a director.
HARRY: 'The' director?
EMILY: *pops up out of a bush* Say what?
LIZA: You're back.
EMILY: I got bored.
AUDIENCE: Figures… We thought we were getting lucky.
JULIA: Emily, he hit me!
EMILY: Oh no he didn't!
HARRY: Dudley?
DUDLEY: Yeah?
HARRY: Run.
DUDLEY: Why?
The evil director attacks Dudley as his friends watch in horror.
HARRY: *trying not to laugh* I warned you.
DUDLEY: Holy shit! What's wrong with her?
LIZA: *turns to Harry* Is he going to be okay?
HARRY: I don't know. That director… she is quite scary.
JULIA: *sits down next to Harry* I love when this happens.
AUDIENCE: Her tenacity doesn't cease to amaze us. And you're absolutely right; for a director, she is very scary.
HARRY: Yeah. I just can't help but wonder if this movie will ever be more about me than her.
LIZA: The world may never know…
Emily jumps up from tackling Dudley suddenly and sits next to Liza.
EMILY: Oh, Harry! What did you do to your hair?
HARRY: I, uh… got it cut.
EMILY: It's terrible! No offense, but… It's almost as bad as the one you had in your first year.
HARRY: Hey, mind your own-
DUDLEY: *jumps up* Your friends have issues, Potter!
Harry jumps up and points his wand at Dudley threateningly. His friends laugh.
HARRY: Take that back!
DUDLEY: Or what? You're gonna give me splinters?
EMILY: You know, I think he was talking about us.
HARRY: Oh. Well, in that case, never mind. You're absolutely right.
LIZA AND JULIA: Hey!
EMILY: *takes a minute to realize it was an insult* Hey!
AUDIENCE: Your delayed reaction was brilliant. It really makes us wonder why you give Harry such a hard time.
EMILY: Piss off!
Suddenly the sky darkens. Dudley's friends freak out and run away.
DUDLEY: What did you do?
HARRY: I didn't do anything!
The wind picks up, and Harry and Dudley run off.
LIZA: Now what?
EMILY: We follow them! They can't lose us that easily.
LIZA: I don't think that's why they left…
JULIA: What about me?
EMILY: Go away.
JULIA: What, like how you go away when anyone tells you to?
LIZA: She has a point.
EMILY: Damn.
AUDIENCE: Is this a bad time to put in that the movie isn't about ANY OF YOU?
EMILY: Oh, I see how it is! All teaming up against me, huh? Julia – go away. Audience – shut up. Liza – come on.
In some tunnel thingy
AUDIENCE: You're very fond of the word 'thingy', aren't you?
EMILY: RAWR!
AUDIENCE: *shutting up*
Just then two dementors come in and the floor freezes over! One attacks Dudley and the other goes for Harry's... well, you don't want to know.
HARRY: Not you guys again!
EMILY: Yup! You can't get rid of us that-
LIZA: He means the dementors.
EMILY: Shut up.
DEMENTOR: Die!
HARRY: Expecto Patronum!
Harry uses his patronus to kick some dementor butt!
MRS. FIGG: Get off my lawn!
EMILY: That's not what she says.
FIGG: Don't put you're wand away, Harry; you never know when you need it.
EMILY: Close enough.
Mrs. Figg takes Harry and Dudley, who looks like he ought to be put in a mental hospital, back to their house. Why Harry still lives there after all these years continues to make me wonder.
PETUNIA: My Duddy-kins!
VERNON: Look what you've done to him! You've finally driven him loopy!
HARRY: You say that like he wasn't crazy already?
VERNON: Why you!
Before Vernon can jump up and maul Harry to death, a letter comes flying through the window, unfolds itself and begins yelling at Harry.
LETTER: Harry Potter! You are expelled from Hogwarts for the use of magic in front of a muggle. This message will now self-destruct. *rips itself up*
The Dursleys burst into song. 'Halleluiah', to be exact, and then some random people show up at the house!
MOODY: We have to hurry, Harry-
HARRY: Now, hold on a minute! I'm not falling for your tricks again, Barty!
MOODY: Barty? Harry, Barty's in Azkaban. I'm the real Alastar-
HARRY: What did I do to beat the dragon last year?
MOODY: How should I know? I was locked in a giant box the entire year!
HARRY: How do I know you're not lying?
TONKS: Harry… shut up.
HARRY: Hey, I don't even know you! Or you – or even you! *pointing*
EMILY: She's right. Just shut up and go with them already.
HARRY: But… stranger danger?
KINGSLY: We'll explain on the way.
They make their way outside and mount their brooms.
Flying somewhere over a river…
MOODY: So you see, Harry, you're not really expelled. There's to be a trial.
HARRY: I'm amazed by how quickly all this can be set up.
MOODY: Yes, well, it's a movie.
In Grimmauld Place
AUDIENCE: What's the rush?
EMILY: I'm lazy. If you require an explanation, it's the Blacks' house.
They walk up to the dining room, where a meeting appears to be going on. Everyone walks in to join them, except for Harry. The second he comes close to the doorway Mrs. Weasley slams the door shut on him.
MOLLY: *through the door* Go find Ron and Hermione, Harry; they're upstairs. Dinner's in an hour.
Harry, offended, heads upstairs where, what'dya know, he finds Ron and Hermione.
RON AND HERMIONE: Harry, you're alive! *glomp*
HARRY: Uh… yeah. I think so.
Fred and George apparate into the room.
FRED: Hallo, Harry!
GEORGE: Heard you got yourself expelled.
HARRY: Actually, I was told there was gonna be-
FRED: A hearing.
GEORGE: Yeah, we know.
HARRY: Boy, news sure travels fast. And this all happened… what was it, a half hour ago?
RON: What were you thinking, Harry? Doing magic outside of school. And in front of that crazy cousin of yours, too!
HERMIONE: Ron, I'm sure he had a perfectly acceptable reason.
RON: Yeah, just like you had a perfectly acceptable reason to stop by the toy store today when we were running late on-
HERMIONE: I did.
Hermione holds out a rubber spider, which sends Ron squealing under a bed within seconds.
RON: That's no fair!
HERMIONE: Do you realize how useful this thing is?
FRED AND GEORGE: It was our idea.
HARRY: Hermione! That's cruel, and self-centered, and rude, and… brilliant! Can I try?
HERMIONE: Sure!
Hermione tosses the fake spider to Harry, who waves it around teasingly at Ron. Ron begins crying.
HARRY: So what is this place, anyway?
HERMIONE: Grimmauld Place – the Blacks' house. Sirius gave it up for the Order.
HARRY: Sirius is here?
HERMIONE: Yeah, didn't you – oh… Nobody told you about the Order of the Phoenix?
HARRY: No. What's that?
HERMIONE: Never mind. If you didn't know already…
HARRY: Hermione!
HERMIONE: Kidding! It's an organization originally set up to fight Voldemort, founded by Dumbeldore back in… Well, a really long time ago.
FRED: *spots Liza* Hey, I know you!
LIZA: No, really?
FRED: Yeah! We went to the Yule Ball together, remember? Hey, George, who did you go with again?
GEORGE: I forgot.
EMILY: *bored out of her mind* This scene sucks. Come on, Liza! *grabs Liza by her arm and drags her downstairs*
LIZA: What do you think you're doing?
EMILY: Having a little fun. Chill.
In the dining room
EMILY: Excuse me! Director and assistant coming through. *finds a seat for her and Liza* So. What are we talking about?
SIRIUS: Oh, the usual. There really is only one topic lately – whether Harry is going to join the Order or not.
EMILY: Interesting. I have a solution.
LUPIN: Yes?
EMILY: We need to have a Light Mark!
ORDER: *awkward silence*
EMILY: Hey, I'm just saying. It would be, like, really cool!
MOLLY: …Right. Anyway, as I was saying-
EMILY: No, really! I mean, if the bad guys get a Dark Mark, why shouldn't we get a cool symbol? Our Light Mark could have some cool design, and come out yellow! Or not. I mean, if you want to be boring and unoriginal it could just be a phoenix, or… Wait, does this organization even have a logo? Website? Business cards? Newsletter?
LUPIN: Uh… no? It's a secret organization.
EMILY: Hey, Remus, did you by any chance star in the movie Blood and Chocolate? I mean, I've never seen it, but by the title it sounds just like your thing.
LUPIN: No, but I do like chocolate. Can't help the blood part. Say, you didn't bring any candies, by any chance?
EMILY: Sorry. But it would've been so perfect-
MOLLY: Shut up! Anyway-
EMILY: You're right; back on topic.
MOLLY: Uh…
SNAPE: *stands up* If I may-
EMILY: *humming the Darth Vader theme song under her breath*
SNAPE: Why you insolent little-
ARTHUR: Snape, she's the director. Try to control yourself.
SNAPE: But didn't you just hear what she did?
EMILY: *innocent face*
LIZA: *laughing uncontrollably*
EMILY: All I'm saying is that we need to make a few changes around here. I mean, we could start wearing capes instead of cloaks, or make Order of the Phoenix advertising T-shirts… You really do have to take these things into consideration, you know.
ARTHUR: *clears his throat* Anyway… I think Harry should have the right to choose if he joins or not.
EMILY: Harry has no rights, I own him.
ARTHUR: Well, if you could just let him-
EMILY: Unicorn turds!
ORDER: *stare in horror*
Five minutes later, back upstairs
EMILY: I just don't understand what could've possibly gone wrong…
RON: *still hiding under the bed* Did you find anything out, though?
LIZA: Just that they're debating Harry's joining the Order.
HARRY: Joining the Order? Don't I have enough on my mind? Besides, I've already realized my life's ambition.
HERMIONE: Exactly, Harry, and we all agree with you – to stop You-Know-Who once and for all.
HARRY: Stop Voldemort? What, are you kidding? I meant I was gonna make Snape's life miserable in every way possible.
EMILY: Oh, I can help with that!
FRED AND GEORGE: Us too!
HARRY: So it's decided, then.
HERMIONE: Harry!
At the Ministry of Magic
HARRY: Mr. Weasley, why does everyone here look so serious?
ARTHUR: Because this is the Ministry, Harry. Being serious all the time is part of the job description.
HARRY: But, Sir, you never look serious? Even when you try, you still appear cartoony.
ARTHUR: *grimaces* That's because I'm a Weasley, Harry. Now could you please stop asking annoying questions?
HARRY: Yes, Sir!
ARTHUR: Good.
HARRY: But hey, Mr. Weasley? What's Lucius Malfoy doing talking suspiciously to the Minister?
ARTHUR: Probably nothing that about you, Harry. Just ignore it.
HARRY: But they're looking at me funny… I don't like it.
A tour passes by.
TOUR GUIDE: And now, if you look to your left, you'll see the famous Harry Potter, once again asking questions about things that don't concern fifteen-year-old children. No flash photography, please, and do try to refrain yourselves from aggravating him, as we're already aware of the fact that he's mad, having claimed to have seen You-Know-Who come back last year.
HARRY: But it's the truth!
TOUR GUIDE: Please stand back! *waves a cross in front of Harry*
HARRY: Huh?
ARTHUR: Harry, stop fooling around!
Arthur and Harry make their way through the MOM, eventually getting to where Harry is to have his hearing.
The hearing
EMILY: For lack of a more interesting setup…
FUDGE: Harry Potter, fifteen years old. Did you indeed cast the patronus charm?
HARRY: Yes, but-
FUDGE: In front of a muggle?
HARRY: Yes, but only because-
FUDGE: I see.
HARRY: But there were dementors!
FUDGE: Right. And the verdict is…
HARRY: Sir, you have to have a trial before you can have a verdict!
FUDGE: Silence! Verdict first, trial later.
HARRY: But that's absolutely mental!
FUDGE: Unless you can bring forth a witness, I'm afraid-
DUMBY: Actually, I do believe he can.
Mrs. Figg is suddenly in the room.
FUDGE: Describe them.
FIGG: Well, one was fat and ugly, and the other… Actually, they were both ugly.
HARRY: !
FUDGE: I meant… the dementors.
FIGG: Oh, right. Well, they were dark. Cloaked… cold. I felt very sad. You know, they looked like something right out of a Tim Burton movie.
FUDGE: Well, I suppose that's a dementor. Now, shall we take a vote? All in favor of sending Mr. Potter to Azkaban?
Several people put their hands up, including Dolores Umbridge and Lucius Malfoy, who looks very determined.
LUCIUS: Pick me! Pick me!
FUDGE: All in favor of letting Mr. Potter off the hook yet again and dropping the charges?
A bunch of people raise their hands.
LUCIUS: Dammit!
So, as suspected, Harry is let off the hook once again.
A King's Cross Station
No, no, that's not right.
Going to Hogwarts!
AUDIENCE: You can't do that.
EMILY: Why not?
AUDIENCE: Because you forgot the scene with Sirius coming as a dog and giving Harry a photo of the first Order of the Phoenix.
LIZA: Actually, I don't think she forgot.
EMILY: Yeah! Besides, who died and made you director? Now, where were we…
LIZA: Going to Hogwarts?
EMILY: No, not that… Ah, yes. Now I remember. Going to Hogwarts!
LIZA: *headdesk*
In front of some carriage-type thing, Harry sees these odd, half-starved horse-looking things.
HARRY: What's pulling the carriage?
HERMIONE: Nothing's pulling the carriage, Harry.
LUNA: Yes, Harry, that's right. You're going crazy and there's nothing you can do about it.
HARRY: Wait, can you see them too?
LUNA: Yes.
HARRY: Then how-
LUNA: Isn't it obvious? I'm crazy too.
HARRY: What?
LUNA: What?
HARRY: I, uh… Never mind.
LUNA: Oh, I do hope they have pudding at Hogwarts!
HERMIONE: That's Loony – I mean, uh, Luna Lovegood.
EMILY: Alright, I'm cutting this scene now!
LIZA: What? Why?
EMILY: Simply because I can.
At Hogwarts!
DUMBY: Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! Now I would like-
UMBRIDGE: *walks up front and shoves Dumbledore off the podium* I am Professor Umbridge, and I will be taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts.
SNAPE: *grumbles something*
UMBRIDGE: Now, I may only be a teacher now, but just wait. Within the next hour I'll take over Hogwarts with my pwnsome Ministry power! Mwuahahaha!
HARRY: *gasps* Why?
HERMIONE: Harry, don't you know what this means?
RON: No.
HERMIONE: I know; that's why I asked Harry, Ron. It means the Ministry is interfering with Hogwarts.
Back in the Gryffindor Tower, a whole bunch of students hate Harry… blah blah blah…
Some day in DADA
UMBRIDGE: Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts! In this class, we will not be using any magic whatsoever.
SEAMUS: So, what will we be doing then?
UMBRIDGE: Oh, just the usual. Studying, tests, essays, cooking, cleaning, writing movie reviews…
SEAMUS: But Professor, we already have a home economics class?
UMBRIDGE: You do?
SEAMUS: Yes, potions. That's basically what it is, isn't it?
UMBRIDGE: I suppose so. But, any questions about my class?
HARRY: *raises his hand* Are you afraid that if we know how to use magic we'll take over the Ministry?
HERMIONE: Harry!
UMBRIDGE: Of course. Besides, why would you need magic anyway? All you really need to study for is your O.W.L.S.
RON: *horrified expression* Is that some sort of state test?
UMBRIDGE: Something like that.
HARRY: But, wait… If it's not about magic, then how are we going to learn to defend ourselves against, you know, the dark arts? That is the class, right?
UMBRIDGE: Good heavens, child! Did you honestly think you'd be learning to defend yourself against the dark arts in Defense Against the Dark Arts?
HARRY: Well… yes?
UMBRIDGE: Hah! That's like going to math class and not expecting to be wearing gym shorts. Besides, what use would defending yourself be anyway? I mean, who would attack a student?
HARRY: Oh, I don't know… Voldemort, perhaps?
CLASS: *stunned silence*
HARRY: Hey, where were you guys during that part of the film?
UMBRIDGE: Some of you have been told that a certain dark wizard is at large again – this is a lie.
HARRY: It's not a lie! The script never lies!
UMBRIDGE: Detention, Potter! My office, after classes.
Professor Umbridge's office, after classes
HARRY: Um, Professor?
UMBRIDGE: What?
HARRY: I'm here.
UMBRIDGE: I can see that. Why?
HARRY: Uh, you gave me detention?
UMBRIDGE: I did? Oh, yes. I did. Okay, Potter, today I will have you writing lines. Here, use my pen – it's magical.
HARRY: *takes pen*
LIZA: Don't you mean quill?
EMILY: No, I mean pen.
AUDIENCE: No, you mean quill.
EMILY: Pen. My stubbornness won't give in that easily.
AUDIENCE: *sigh*
UMBRIDGE: I want you to write 'I must not tell lies or racist jokes'.
HARRY: Racist jokes? How does that have anything to do with-
UMBRIDGE: Just write it!
HARRY: Okay… How many times?
UMBRIDGE: Hm, how many do you think will be able to fit on your hand?
HARRY: Pardon?
UMBRIDGE: I mean, uh… As many as it takes to sink in.
Harry begins writing. Once he finishes one line, the sentence appears as a scar on his hand.
UMBRIDGE: You may go now.
HARRY: …Ouch.
That night in the Gryffindor Common Room
HERMIONE: Harry, let me see.
HARRY: No!
HERMIONE: *grabs Harry's hand and looks at the scar* Umbridge did this to you?
HARRY: Yes…
HERMIONE: But Harry, you didn't make any racist jokes?
HARRY: That's what I said.
RON: *runs in* Hey, guys! Guess what I just found out!
HERMIONE: That Umbridge was torturing Harry?
RON: No, why would she – wait, she was?
HERMIONE: Look. *holds out Harry's hand*
RON: *gasp* Harry, you never told me you got a tattoo!
HARRY: It's not a – God, Ron. Only your stupidity can challenge mine.
HERMIONE: Why I hang out with you guys, the world may never know…
HARRY: Wait, so what did you find out, Ron?
RON: Oh, yeah! I, uh… I forgot.
HARRY: Brilliant.
RON: No, wait! I remember.
HERMIONE: Yes?
RON: Wait… no I don't.
EVERYONE: *groans*
RON: Oh, right! Okay, get ready; you guys are NOT gonna believe this…
EVERYONE: What?
RON: Dumbledore's gay!
EVERYONE: …
RON: What?
HARRY: Ron, everybody knows that.
RON: Oh. Wait, then why didn't I know?
AUDIENCE: When do we get the scene with Harry and Luna?
EMILY: Never.
AUDIENCE: What?
The next day, or sometime later, the trio finds out that Umbridge has been appointed Hogwarts High Inquisitor.
HARRY: What's that supposed to mean, anyway?
RON: Don't be ridiculous, Harry; it simply means she's been chosen to make inquisitions about the height of the school.
HARRY: But that doesn't even make any sense?
RON: But of course it does! The Ministry said they wanted her to decide if Hogwarts was tall enough.
HARRY: Tall enough? Ron, are you making this up as you go along?
RON: What makes you think that? Is my intelligence too much for you to handle?
HERMIONE: Ron… you say 'intelligence' like it's a sophisticated word.
RON: Is it working?
HERMIONE: No.
RON: Damn.
Anyway, over the course of… well, at least the next few weeks, Umbridge has Filch nail a bunch of new Hogwarts rules up on little birdhouses. Rules such as: 'Hogwarts students must be above four feet tall', 'Gay couples will not be permitted on school grounds', 'Toilet seat lids must be down at all times', and 'Paper airplanes, diving, martial arts… *several lines down* Broadway productions, cross-country skiing, and practicing Shakespeare will not be permitted in the halls'.
DRACO: Aw!
SNAPE: Hey, she stole my classroom rules… that bitch!
AUDIENCE: *gasp* Language!
SNAPE: What? Are we not allowed to say 'bitch'?
EMILY: I don't know. Is 'bitch' allowed in a PG movie?
LIZA: I don't think so.
EMILY: But Aunt Marge said it in the third film?
AUDIENCE: She was referring to a female dog.
EMILY: Still. She said 'bitch'.
HARRY: We're not allowed to say 'bitch'?
RON: Sorry, but I guess 'bitch' is simply against Hogwarts rules.
HERMIONE: What bitch came up with that?
HARRY: Yeah. As far as I'm concerned, 'bitch' is perfectly acceptable language.
RON: Hey, 'bitch' is just a word, and you know what they say about those.
HERMIONE: What, Ron?
RON: 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can cause physiological damage.'
HARRY: …That's not what they say.
RON: My point is, we shouldn't be allowed to 'bitch'.
HARRY: Then why do you keep saying it?
RON: Gosh, Harry! There's no need to be a bitch about it.
AUDIENCE: Uh, could you… please stop? We think we've heard enough.
EMILY: Have I made my point clear enough?
AUDIENCE: Yes, yes; just stop now.
EMILY: Good… bitches.
LIZA: *sigh* Sometimes I wish you'd never heard of these words…
AUDIENCE: Quite frequently we wish she'd never heard of Harry Potter.
EMILY: Hey!
And so, Umbridge went around to different classrooms to humiliate the teachers as well. For example:
Potions-
UMBRIDGE: Severus Snape. You've applied for the DADA post before?
SNAPE: Yes.
UMBRIDGE: And you were… unsuccessful?
SNAPE: Obviously.
UMBRIDGE: So tell me, Snape; how is it you're able to keep your students intimidated?
SNAPE: Well, I'd suggest killing one at random. The sane ones don't mess with you after that. Unfortunately, Dumbledore won't let me wipe out an entire period… so I just fail them instead.
UMBRIDGE: I see. You don't like giving Gryffindor any points either, right?
SNAPE: Nope.
UMBRIDGE: But I see here you gave them fifty points the other day? Care to explain?
SNAPE: Of course. That Granger girl flashed me… accidentally, of course. But would you care to hear why I took away a hundred points right after that?
UMBRIDGE: Uh, no thank you.
In their boredom, Emily and Liza begin a tickling contest in the back of the classroom.
SNAPE: What is that vile sound I hear? Is that laugher?
EMILY: *stops* Liza did it.
LIZA: *still laughing uncontrollably*
SNAPE: For God's sake, make it stop!
EMILY: I put a charm on her, Sir. She can't stop laughing until a specific greasy-haired potions master kisses her.
LIZA: *stops* Say what?
EMILY: Dammit, Liza! You're not supposed to stop!
SNAPE: …Right.
UMBRIDGE: I think I've seen enough. *turns to leave*
SNAPE: No, wait! I can show you my scrapbook about Lily – crap; did I really say that out loud?
Care of Magical Creatures-
UMBRIDGE: I see you've been missing since school started. Would you mind saying where you were?
AUDIENCE: He was? *glares at Emily*
EMILY: A: part of the reason I hired Liza was so I wouldn't be blamed every time this happened, and B… whoopsies!
HAGRID: I was out for me health! Getting some fresh air.
UMBRIDGE: Fresh air? But Hagrid, you live at the edge of a forest.
HAGRID: I, uh… I took a maternity leave?
Choir-
UMBRIDGE: *measures Flitwick*
FLITWICK: Are you going to ask me any questions?
UMBRIDGE: No, that will be all.
AUDIENCE: What, does she have something against short people?
EMILY: Who doesn't?
LIZA: *offended*
EMILY: Oh, please. You're average; I'm just tall. And if you think you're short, then you've just been around me too long.
LIZA: True…
Divination-
EMILY: Hey, I remember this class!
UMBRIDGE: Can you give me a prediction?
TRELAWNEY: A-A what?
UMBRIDGE: Just one teeny little prophecy? Pity…
TRELAWNEY: Wait! Uh, uh, you're in grave danger! Three students will trick you into following them into the Forbidden Forest when-
UMBRIDGE: Lovely.
In the Gryffindor Common Room
AUDIENCE: Wait, isn't Umbridge going to try and kick Trelawney out?
EMILY: No, too lazy.
AUDIENCE: Simply one of the many qualities a director shouldn't have…
LIZA: They have a point, you know.
EMILY: You try writing a script from memory!
In the Gryffindor Common Room
HERMIONE: Harry, where are your glasses?
HARRY: Snape confiscated them.
RON: Harry, are you wearing a dress?
HARRY: Apparently it was something my mother would've worn.
HERMIONE: Snape did this, didn't he?
HARRY: Yes… but I was able to get away before he dug out the wig.
RON: Why would Snape want to do that?
HARRY: *shrugs* Because he's evil?
Back in Snape's office
DUMBY: *walks in* Are those Mr. Potter's glasses?
SNAPE: Yes. I confiscated them.
DUMBY: Why? Whatever did he do?
SNAPE: He kept looking at me like a miniature James.
DUMBY: Well, that may be so, but I think you should give them back.
SNAPE: But doesn't he look so much better as a Lily? I found a dress for him, but he got away as I went to dig up this wig.
DUMBY: That's an Ariel wig?
SNAPE: It serves its purpose.
DUMBY: Severus, I don't think it's right to do things like this to students.
SNAPE: Are you suggesting I leave Harry alone, Headmaster? Actually, that might not be a terrible idea…
DUMBY: *raises an eyebrow* Severus?
SNAPE: You see, Dumbledore, we could expel him.
DUMBY: Why ever would we do that?
SNAPE: Well, we've already taught him all he needs to know. Heck, he's ready to defeat Voldemort already! And I know what you're thinking, and yes, I believe it's perfectly acceptable for us to let Weasley and Granger go with him.
HARRY: *walks in* I am not okay with this plan!
Harry has changed back into his regular clothes, and hands Snape the dress while grabbing his glasses back and storms out of the room.
DUMBY: Gotta love a kid who knows how to confront a teacher, eh, Severus? Severus?
SNAPE: *mixing a cauldron evilly*
DUMBY: Oh boy, I do believe it's time for your medications, Severus. What are you doing, anyway?
SNAPE: Brewing glory.
DUMBY: Oh… Can you at least move that stick you're using a little more seductively?
SNAPE: No. Go find a student to traumatize or something.
DUMBY: *thinks* Okay!
Back in the Gryffindor Common Room
HERMIONE: So, did you get that all sorted out?
HARRY: Yes, and Snape didn't even attempt to strangle me this time. Things are looking good.
RON: Well, not really. We've still got Umbridge to worry about.
HARRY: Ugh. Her.
EMILY: *stands up* I vote we kill her!
RON: *terrified look* Not again!
LIZA: Just… *pulls Emily down* Sit. And stay.
EMILY: …Fine.
HERMIONE: Honestly, she isn't teaching us anything. What we need is a real teacher; someone who has had experience facing the dark arts.
RON: Yeah, like someone who defeated Voldemort as a mere baby!
HERMIONE: Or someone who saved the Sorcerer's Stone… well, sort of.
RON: Or someone who defeated a basilisk!
HERMIONE: Or saved innocent lives, fought dementors, and even a werewolf?
RON: Someone who won the Triwizard Tournament?
HERMIONE: Someone who's going to stop Voldemort once and for all?
HARRY: Okay, you guys lost me. Who are we talking about?
JULIA: Me!
On their way to the Hog's Head
LIZA: It's snowing.
EMILY: So it is. I didn't know it was winter yet?
LIZA: Yes, and they're not on winter break.
EMILY: Yet.
AUDIENCE: Will you two shut up and continue the film?
EMILY AND LIZA: *stick their tongues out*
HERMIONE: Don't you see, Harry? You can teach them.
HARRY: I don't know, Hermione… I've never had to teach anyone before.
RON: There's always a first for everything, you know. Like in third year, when-
HARRY: Alright, alright! I'll do it. Just… don't bring that up again. Ever.
In the Hog's Head
A bunch of students are gathered around, including the twins, pretty much all the Gryffindors we've been introduced to, Cho, and… Well, and some other people.
AUDIENCE: Wonderful.
EMILY: I know, right?
HARRY: *whispers to Hermione and Ron* Alright, I just want to warn you guys, I'm not so good at public speaking, so…
HERMIONE: I've got it. Alright, everyone, I'm sure you know why we're here.
GEORGE: Because we're looking for a bit of entertainment from you lot?
HERMIONE: Uh, no… because we need a teacher. We need a proper teacher; one who has had real experience facing the dark arts.
FRED: We need Snape!
HERMIONE: No! No, we really don't.
DEAN: Then who are you suggesting?
HERMIONE: Harry, of course! He's been fighting evil since year one – have you not been reading the books? The Sorcerer's Stone, the Chamber of Secrets… Could any of you have done that? Do you think we'd really be here if he hadn't? We need someone to teach us this stuff, because Umbridge won't. And Harry's our best shot.
SEAMUS: Why?
RON: Why? Because You-Know-Who's back, you tosspot!
LIZA: Tosspot? Where'd you hear that one?
EMILY: It was in the movie, and I decided I liked it. My new word of the day. Tosspot, tosspot, tosspot!
NIGEL: He really is back, isn't he?
HARRY: No, duh!
Somehow they get everyone to form a line to sign up to join Dumbledore's Army (DA).
EMILY: I think it should stand for 'Director's Army'.
LIZA: Or Director's Assistant?
EMILY: Liza, it's DA; not to be confused with the less important DA. And besides, if you put them both together, as in the Director's Assistant's Dumbledore's Army, then you get DADA – or Defense Against the Dark Arts!
AUDIENCE: You're having fun with this, aren't you?
EMILY: Oh, yes. Or perhaps it should be 'Director's And Dumbledore's Army'?
LIZA: Don't hurt yourself…
EMILY: Oh, come on! I haven't had this much fun with these since SAGACOD.
On that bridge-thingy
HERMIONE: Oh, this is so great, guys! Getting to break the rules… it's quite exciting, isn't it?
RON: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione?
HARRY: Well, first we have to find a place to practice where we won't get caught.
RON: What about the girls' bathroom?
HARRY: Ron, why would you even say that?
RON: I meant the one with Moaning Myrtle. No one goes there, remember? And oh, the memories!
HARRY: Ron, if you're referring to the Chamber of Secrets-
RON: I mean when I dunked your head in the toilet for cheating towards the end of our third year.
HARRY: Oh. Well, maybe that was fun for you, but at least it's better than some of those odd homosexual gestures you'd give me during the first two years.
RON: Oh. Sorry about that, Harry.
HARRY: You seem to have dropped it within the last three. What's up with that?
RON: I was merely experimenting; testing out my sexuality. Don't flatter yourself; it could've been with anyone.
HERMIONE: Hey, could you two lovebirds get back on topic?
HARRY: Ewe!
RON: It isn't like that; I swear!
HERMIONE: Right…
Okay, how the Room of Requirement was found:
One day Neville Longbottom was running away from his evil Potions Test of Doom, when he suddenly crashed into a wall which turned into a door in front of him, creating the perfect place to hide in.
AUDIENCE: That doesn't sound right.
EMILY: Yes, but it works.
In the Room of Requirement!
HARRY: Every great witch or wizard in history started out just like us: students. If they can to do it, why can't we?
RON: Harry, quit pretending you know what you're talking about and just teach us something.
HARRY: Oh, right.
A couple sequences go by in which Harry teaches DA a spell and they use Nigel as a test dummy to make sure they really learned it, and Filch waits outside every lesson waiting to catch them, since Umbridge at some point banned student organizations and then proceeded to create one herself.
Harry walks over to where Cho is standing, facing the wall and staring at a picture of Cedric taped up.
LIZA: Since when did wizards have tape?
EMILY: *shrugs*
CHO: Do you think he's happy? You know, as a vampire?
HARRY: I'm sure he is. In fact, vampires were pretty much the only thing he'd talk about over the course of the year.
CHO: But, why didn't he tell me?
HARRY: Well, I'm sure there were probably vampire laws against it, or something like that.
CHO: Harry… do you think, if he were… you know, still one of us… that he'd be here?
HARRY: Oh, of course! Cedric was really good at this stuff. I mean, really good. Probably better than me.
CHO: Oh, Harry! Just stop trying to make me feel better and kiss me already!
HARRY: Well… okay!
Harry and Cho kiss as enchanted mistletoe forms above their heads.
Somewhere in Forks, Washington
EDWARD: I sense evil.
BELLA: What is it, Edward? Are other vampires coming?
EDWARD: No… but that damn wizard is kissing my ex-girlfriend who I never really broke up with!
BELLA: Excuse me?
In the Gryffindor Common Room
RON: Well, how was it?
HARRY: *staring into the fireplace* Wet… She had on, like, a whole bunch of lipstick – it was literally all over my mouth.
RON: Ewe…
HERMIONE: But just imagine what she's feeling! She's worried about Cedric, confused about how she feels about Harry, guilty because she kissed him, and probably has terrible taste in make-up.
RON: Oh. How can someone feel all that at once? They'd explode!
HERMIONE: That's because you're an unfeeling, narcissistic bastard, Ron.
JULIA: You killed… my favorite… line… grr.
RON: Oh, thanks. That was exactly the self-confidence boost I needed.
Some other lesson
HARRY: Okay, today we're going to-
RON: Harry, can I try to teach the class today? Pleeeaase?
HARRY: *sigh* Fine. You've got the spotlight, Ron.
RON: Yay! *eh-hem* Okay, class – wait, it is 'class', right? Because technically it's called Dumbledore's Army, but I don't think I'd address them as that, would I? Or maybe just 'army'? No, that sounds too official. Soldiers? Because technically they are, if they're in an army… Well, not that kind of army, but you know what I mean. It's not like we're fighting a war or anything… Wait, I take that back. Actually, we really are. Against the Ministry and Voldemort, or something like that, right? Sort of?
HARRY: Uh, Ron…
RON: You know, Harry, I think we should add another 'D' to DA, so it's like 'dad', so it could be DAD vs. MOM, for the Ministry of Magic. That would be classic, wouldn't it? So maybe it could be… I don't know, Dumbledore's Army of… of… I'm not sure. Do you have anything?
HARRY: Ron, I think I'll take it over from here.
RON: Aw…
HERMIONE: Well, it was a nice attempt, Ron.
Harry regains the class's attention.
HARRY: Today we're going to be learning the patronus-
EMILY: Nah, that's too boring!
That night… probably…
Harry goes to sleep in a light blue stripped shirt and has a nightmare.
AUDIENCE: What does the shirt have to do with anything?
EMILY: You'll see.
LIZA: Oh, I remember this!
In Harry's dream, he's a snake attacking Mr. Weasley. Harry wakes up, terrified, and wearing a DARK BLUE BUTTON-UP TEE.
AUDIENCE: No kidding…
EMILY: Cracks me up every time!
HARRY: Mr. Weasley! *looks down* Oh my God, my shirt changed in my sleep! I've gotta tell Dumbledore!
In Dumbledore's office
HARRY: So then I had this nightmare, but when I woke up, my shirt had completely changed! It was so freaky!
DUMBY: Uh, Harry… What was the nightmare about?
HARRY: Oh, Mr. Weasley got attacked by a snake in the Department of Mysterious. But what about my shirt?
Dumbledore sends out people to help Mr. Weasley, and has Snape take Harry with him.
HARRY: Sir, are you going to do something to fix my shirt?
SNAPE: I don't know what's wrong with your shirt, Potter, and quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. No; Dumbledore has instructed me to train you not to give in to the Dark Lord's power. It appears he has a connection with your mind.
HARRY: He does?
SNAPE: Apparently, although I could care less whether you live or die because of it. I am going to attempt to get into your mind-
HARRY: Why?
SNAPE: -and I want you to try and resistant, okay? Legilimens!
Snape goes into Harry's mind, looking through his thoughts and memories. Harry continues to fail at stopping him for some time.
HARRY: Please, stop it!
SNAPE: Do you think you can get the Dark Lord to stop simply by that? You're weak, just like your father was.
HARRY: My father wasn't weak! Legilimens!
Then Harry goes into Snape's mind. He sees Snape getting bullied by his dad and the Marauder's, when finally Snape pulls him out.
AUDIENCE: You rushed into this scene.
EMILY: Do I look like I care?
HARRY: *staring in horror*
SNAPE: Get out…
HARRY: My daddy did what?
SNAPE: GET OUT!
Unfortunately, awkward yet amazing scene must end here.
Okay, let's just skip over to winter break.
At a Dumbledore's Army meeting
AUDIENCE: Damn.
HARRY: Uh, okay… Well, we won't be meeting during winter break, of course, so, uh… I'll see you all when we get back.
DA: *get ready to leave*
Just then there's a scene in which Umbridge and her student organization band break through the wall and get them in trouble all because of Cho… Nah, that's too boring as well.
AUDIENCE: You can't leave out that scene!
EMILY: Why not?
AUDIENCE: Because it's important to the plot.
EMILY: Oh… right. Fine.
In Dumbledore's office
UMBRIDGE: See, Minister? I told you he was trying to take over the Ministry!
FUDGE: How can this be?
HARRY: Sir, I swear – it's my fault. I formed the organization; Dumbledore had nothing to do with it!
DUMBY: Very noble of you, Harry, but as you can see, the paper says 'Dumbledore's Army', not 'Potter's'.
EMILY: *whispers* I knew they should've gone with 'Director's Army'.
LIZA: That wouldn't have changed anything.
EMILY: …Still. It would much cooler.
LIZA: *rolls eyes* Emily, Emily, Emily…
DUMBY: Alright, what if I did tell Harry to form the organization for me?
FUDGE: Then I'm afraid we'll have to send you to Azkaban.
DUMBY: *thinks* Well, that doesn't sound very pleasant at all. It was all Harry's fault! When he asked me, I advised him against it – in fact, I begged him not to! I said it was too risky, and foolish, and an altogether terrible idea. But then he went ahead and did it anyway without telling me, and then went on to naming it after me, so if this ever happened of course I'd be the one to blame. I am innocent, and it was the students' faults! Especially Harry's; he'd been plotting it since the year started. In fact, the other day he-
HARRY: Traitor!
FUDGE: Uh, that's quite alright, Dumbledore. We suppose if it's really Harry's fault, then we won't need to send you to Azkaban after all.
UMBRIDGE: Damn…
DUMBY: Yay!
FUDGE: But just to be safe, we'll have to have a tr-
DUMBY: No! *engulfed in flames*
At Grimmauld Place!
AUDIENCE: How did we get here?
EMILY: I don't know. It's winter break, remember?
LIZA: I think you had some scenes out of order.
EMILY: Shut up. You get the idea.
Mr. Weasley is sitting at the end of the table looking bruised and swollen.
AUDIENCE: Oh, that's not very pleasant at all…
ARTHUR: Cheers, to Harry Potter! Without whom, I probably wouldn't be here.
EVERYONE: Cheers!
HARRY: I hate to be modest, Sir, but if it hadn't been for Voldemort connecting-
HERMIONE: Harry… just shut up and don't spoil the moment.
Sirius beckons Harry into the other room.
SIRIUS: Hello, Harry.
AUDIENCE: Are we ever going to meet Kreacher?
EMILY: Uh… no. Maybe in the seventh, though.
AUDIENCE: Maybe? He has to be in the seventh; the story doesn't work any other way.
LIZA: I'm sure she'll figure out a way to work around it…
EMILY: *nods in agreement* Oh, yes. I'm sure of that. But we'll see.
AUDIENCE: Why do we even bother…?
EMILY: You bother because you care, and that's perfectly understandable.
HARRY: *sigh* It's times like these when I doubt I'm really the protagonist…
SIRIUS: Don't say that, Harry; you are.
HARRY: Yes, but with all their bickering, and then that connection thing with Voldemort… What if I'm going bad?
SIRIUS: You're not bad, Harry. You're a good person who bad things have happened to. And honestly, it's not your fault – J.K. Rowling could've picked any protagonist for her novels, but she chose you.
HARRY: I know that's supposed to make me feel special, but… Is life satisfying for you, knowing it's already been planned out in a novel?
SIRIUS: Of course! I mean, it's not like the author would really kill me anyway – she said so herself that she liked me, and that's convincing enough, isn't it?
AUDIENCE: …
SIRIUS: Damn. She kills me off, doesn't she? I knew it!
JULIA: *clings on to Sirius* Nooo!
HARRY: I'm sorry! But, you know, the scripts can be different from the actual novels. After all, Cedric was turned into a vampire when he should've died.
SIRIUS: Do I look like I want to be turned into a vampire? Besides, that was probably meant as a practical joke, since the same actor portrayed a vampire in another film. The director isn't smart enough to come up with any other option for me except killing, which she'll probably have enough fun with as it is!
LIZA: Probably.
EMILY: That's not – entirely – true! Besides, you're just trying to win my sympathy. And it's not even my fault: if Rowling wanted to kill you, then I can't twist the plot for my own pleasure.
LIZA: Oh, sure. Like you didn't-
EMILY: Liza! Stop helping me.
Alright, winter break sucks. Merely skipping along to when school gets back…
AUDIENCE: You can't-
EMILY: I can, I did, and I will again. Now shut up.
Uh, what's next? Oh, yeah! Grawp scene…
In the Forbidden Forest
HAGRID: Well, I figured since I might be getting sacked anytime soon…
Hagrid shows Hermione, Harry, and Ron a giant.
HARRY: Hagrid, is there anything else you've been keeping in the Forbidden Forest that you think we should know about?
HAGRID: Uh… we'll get to that later. This here's Grawp; he's my half-brother.
RON: Once again, question: how the hell did your dad have sex with your mum, Hagrid? Did he have to use a ladder or something?
HAGRID: Uh… I'd rather not talk about that, Ron. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce you guys to Grawp. I'm the only family he's got, and if I'm gone…
HARRY: I stick with what I said before. Do you have any other giant monsters in here you'd like us to know about sometime soon?
AUDIENCE: We agree. Does Hagrid have some type of permit for all this?
GRAWP: *picks up Hermione*
HAGRID: Grawp! That is inappropriate behavior in front of guests!
HERMIONE: Put me down! Now. *glares*
GRAWP: Please?
HERMIONE: No.
GRAWP: Damn. *puts Hermione down*
In the Great Hall, the students are taking their O.W.L.S.
RON: *looking over at Hermione's paper*
HERMIONE: *chucks something hard and unpleasant at Ron*
All of a sudden there's a banging on the door. When Umbridge opens it, Fred and George fly in on their brooms, throwing fireworks into the air, and students begin cheering. Finally a giant fire-thing looking like a dragon chases after Umbridge, and Fred and George, as well everyone else, hurry outside. The twins fly off into the distance, leaving an 'M' in the air.
RON: What does 'M' stand for?
HARRY: Mulan? Mermaid? Martian?
HERMIONE: I think it's upside-down. It's supposed to be 'W', for 'Weasley'.
FRED AND GEORGE: Whoops.
Suddenly Harry is sucked into Voldemort's mind… well, sort of, and falls to the ground while the crowd of students continues to cheer around him.
AUDIENCE: Oh, right. Very cliché.
EMILY: Hey, there's only so many things you can do in a scene like this.
Harry sees Voldemort, Lucius, and Sirius in some room in the Department of Mysterious which has a bunch of prophecies, which are just glass orbs, but whatever.
VOLDEMORT: Crucio!
SIRIUS: Aaaahhhh!
Voldemort pauses as Sirius continues to writhe in pain.
VOLDEMORT: *turns to Lucius* Do you ever get the feeling we've wasted our lives with all this badass stuff?
LUCIUS: Nope! *watching Sirius with interest*
VOLDEMORT: I thought as much…
Back at Hogwarts
HARRY: *gasp*
HERMIONE: Harry? Harry, are you alright?
HARRY: Sirius!
Harry explains what he saw to Ron and Hermione.
HARRY: We've got to save Sirius!
RON: But what if it's a trap? What if You-Know-Who only wants you to think he has Sirius?
HERMIONE: Ron's right. Besides, Sirius wanted you to try and keep clear of Voldemort's mind.
HARRY: But what if it isn't? Are we just gonna let him die?
RON: Well, the director kinda already let it slip, so… yeah?
HARRY: Not if I can help it! I've gotta get to the Department of Mysteries.
RON: And how are we going to that?
HARRY: *pauses* Do any of us know how to apparate?
HERMIONE: No, Harry. We're not old enough.
HARRY: Damn. Then, uh… What about floo powder?
HERMIONE: Too messy – you know what happened last time with all those Christian fundamentalists. They nearly got you killed, and you do tend to mumble when you're rushed… a lot.
HARRY: Damn.
HERMIONE: Besides, Umbridge has all the fireplaces under surveillance.
RON: Why would she do that?
HERMIONE: I don't know. Maybe she hates Santa?
RON: Who hates Santa?
HARRY: *thinking* Not all of them…
In Umbridge's office
The trio is fooling around with Umbridge's fireplace.
HARRY: Ron, I don't remember us doing any of this at your place.
HERMIONE: Don't be ridiculous, Harry; we have to buy ourselves time to get caught by Umbridge.
RON: Now, why would we do a stupid thing like that?
HARRY: I don't know. Maybe so I can go while you two distract her?
HERMIONE: Harry, when are you going to get it through your head? We're in this together.
EMILY: *holds up Liza's hand* Us too!
LIZA: Sure…
AUDIENCE: What about us?
EMILY: Uh… no. Not you guys.
AUDIENCE: Hmph. And you wonder why we hate you…
EMILY: Alright, that was uncalled for!
HERMIONE: Just ignore them, Harry. We've got to hurry.
AUDIENCE: Whatever. Besides, you messed up Umbridge's line.
EMILY: *thinks* Oh yeah… damn. Hermione, say your line again.
HERMIONE: Uh, okay. Just ignore-
LIZA: The one before that.
HERMIONE: Huh? Oh, right: We're in this together.
UMBRIDGE: *makes her dramatic entrance* That you are!
Beat.
UMBRIDGE: What?
HARRY: I'm sorry, Professor, but you're just not as intimidating in pink.
UMBRIDGE: Shut up!
Suddenly a bunch of random students in DA show up.
LUNA: Woah. How did we get here?
NEVILLE: I don't know. It was like the scene hadn't even changed, and then… poof.
GINNY: Weird.
UMBRIDGE: *shoves Harry into a chair* You were going to Dumbledore, weren't you?
HARRY: No.
UMBRIDGE: Still trying to take over the Ministry, huh?
HARRY: No?
UMBRIDGE: I bet you think it'll be so easy for you with your… director, and a whole audience, and even now a director's assistant! That was all part of your plotting with Dumbledore, wasn't it?
HARRY: No!
SNAPE: *comes in slowly* You called?
UMBRIDGE: Ah, yes. Severus, I need to borrow some more of that mysterious black fluid.
SNAPE: Fresh out, Ma'am. You used the last of it this morning to find if anyone had hid your Super Deluxe Kitty Toothbrush.
UMBRIDGE: That was important! But never mind. I suppose we'll have to do things the old fashioned way. You may go, Severus.
HARRY: Wait, Professor! He's got Padfoot. He's got Padfoot in the place where it's hidden!
SNAPE: *gets a very disturbing picture*
UMBRIDGE: Do you know what he's saying, Severus?
SNAPE: *thinks about helping Harry, then decides he'd rather let Sirius suffer* No idea.
Snape leaves.
UMBRIDGE: Okay, where was I? Ah, yes. The Cruciatus Curse.
HARRY: You can't do that, it's illegal!
UMBRIDGE: What Fudge doesn't know can't hurt him.
HARRY: God, what kind of worker for the Ministry are you? Breaking your own rules!
RON: She's a politic, Harry. They're all like that.
UMBRIDGE: *lifts her wand*
HERMIONE: If you won't tell her, Harry, I will!
UMBRIDGE: Tell me what?
HARRY: Hermione! I know we were all thinking it, but still. It's rude to point out.
HERMIONE: Huh? What were you referring to?
HARRY: Didn't you mean to tell her that her bra was showing through?
UMBRIDGE: Excuse me?
HERMIONE: No! I meant to tell her about… Dumbledore's secret weapon.
HARRY: His what?
UMBRIDGE: Tell me! I hate secrets!
In the Forbidden Forest
UMBRIDGE: You tricked me, I knew it!
HERMIONE: Of course not; it had to be where students wouldn't accidentally run into it.
UMBRIDGE: Well, how far is it, then?
HERMIONE: Uh, we should be almost there…
RON: What are you doing?
HERMIONE: I was looking for Grawp, but…
Hermione spots a broken rope that was used to hold Grawp.
HERMIONE: Oh no!
RON: What do we do now?
HERMIONE: Improvise?
HARRY: Here it is!
UMBRIDGE: What is it? Where?
HERMIONE: Harry, what are you doing?
HARRY: Improvising!
Harry points to the director, who looks up in surprise.
UMBRIDGE: The director's Dumbledore's secret weapon?
EMILY: Who, me? I didn't do anything. Here – take Liza instead! *shoves Liza forward* We don't need her anymore!
LIZA: Hey!
HARRY: Of course the director's Dumbledore's secret weapon. She can to do anything as long as it doesn't twist the plot off course.
UMBRIDGE: I should've known! I must have the Ministry get rid of it.
EMILY: Excuse mwah? 'It'? Oh, can I please get rid of this old hag here and now?
UMBRIDGE: What did you just call me?
AUDIENCE: Be our guest.
EMILY: Yay!
AUDIENCE: Just don't kill her. We need her in the seventh.
EMILY: Oh yeah… darn. But I guess I can live with that.
The director sits down and erases part of the script.
LIZA: What are you doing?
EMILY: *writing something* Editing.
All of a sudden a giant herd of wild chickens come, tackle Umbridge to the ground, tie her up, and then run away with her while chanting something about a tiki lamp and waving around torches.
AUDIENCE: Well, that… works.
Somewhere else
AUDIENCE: Imaginative. Real imaginative.
EMILY: Why, thank you!
LIZA: I'm still liking the chickens thing. Why couldn't we have done that sooner?
EMILY: Alas, Liza, that would've interfered too much with the plot. But believe me – if I could, I would've.
LUNA: I have an idea!
They all get on the invisible (kinda, sorta, not really, depends) animal things from the beginning of the film and fly to the MOM.
In the Hall of Prophecy in the Department of Mysteries
NEVILLE: How do we know which one we're looking for?
PROPHECY: Harry… Potter… Voldemort…
HARRY: I don't know. I guess we've got to check all of them.
They check several prophecies before coming across the obvious right one.
PROPHECY: Neither can live while the other survives…
HARRY: Well, this is pretty stupid. I wonder what we need it for, anyway?
Then a bunch of Death Eaters materialize from the shadows and surround the students.
LUCIUS: Well done, Harry. Once again, the Dark Lord has fooled you.
HARRY: Fooled me? How?
LUCIUS: He needed you to come. Only you could fetch your prophecy.
HARRY: So Sirius was never really here?
LUCIUS: Nope!
JULIA: Yay!
EMILY: *smacks Julia with a clipboard* Get outta here!
HARRY: That bastard! I've really got to stop playing hero.
LUCIUS: Now, hand me the prophecy, Potter.
HARRY: Why?
LUCIUS: Why? Because… I don't know why. Voldemort wants it.
HARRY: Then why isn't he here, if it's so important?
LUCIUS: Because he's a lazy ass and Desperate Housewives is on, but he told me not to tell anyone that that was the reason. Dammit! I just told someone. He's going to be so pissed. Look, Harry… Just give me the prophecy.
HARRY: Never!
LUCIUS: But you don't even know what it does?
HARRY: I know, but it's so shiny…
LUCIUS: Don't you want to know how it all ends? Who lives, who dies? Harry. You've waited fourteen years for this.
HARRY: I know. So I guess I can wait a bit longer. NOW!
The students begin firing attacks. An ultimately too-long action sequence in which prophesies break follows, until Harry and his friends suddenly find themselves in the Death Chamber.
HARRY: *spots the Veil* What's that?
HERMIONE: Harry… it's just an empty archway.
Within a couple seconds, somehow the Death Eaters surround Harry, each holding one of his friends hostage.
HARRY: Now, was that move physically possible?
LUCIUS: No, but it's a movie, so we can get away with stuff like that. Anyway, what was I going to say? Ah, yes: do you really think you could've won that easily? That a mere bunch of students could stop us?
HARRY: Well, uh… possibly?
LUCIUS: You're a fool, Harry. Now, I've got a deal for you. Hand over the prophecy, or watch me strip in front of your very eyes.
HARRY: *gasp* Mr. Malfoy! What would Narcissa have to say about that?
LUCIUS: Yes, I know… She took it very hard when she discovered Draco was gay. Of course, she doesn't know I'm bisexual yet, and I don't plan on telling her anytime soon.
HARRY: I knew it!
EMILY: Well, not gay… but I can settle for that.
LIZA: *facepalm*
HARRY: Wow, is your whole family like this?
LUCIUS: Yes! And we're quite proud of it, actually. Now, just pick one or the other.
HARRY: Oh, right. That. You know, you'd think you'd want to threaten my friends' lives instead?
LUCIUS: You're absolutely right. How about I kill one of them and then strip?
HARRY: Uh… you know, Sir, I think I'm actually going to have to go with your first offer.
LUCIUS: Aw… Very well. What'll it be?
NEVILLE: Don't do it, Harry!
BELLATRIX: Shut up!
HARRY: Fine.
Harry hands over the prophecy. Unfortunately, it breaks at soon as Lucius looks at it, because apparently his sexiness was too much for it to handle.
LUCIUS: Dammit! Why does this always happen?
Just then the Order of the Phoenix comes in out of nowhere and begins the first battle of good and evil to be seen in this series!
HARRY: What are you doing here, Sirius? You might get killed in this scene!
SIRIUS: Well, you see, I considered that, Harry. But then I thought to myself, 'the director loves dogs', right? And I can turn into a dog; therefore, by keeping my alive – bingo! Free pet dog fo-
BELLATRIX: Avada Kedavra!
SIRUS: Shit… *floats away into the Veil*
JULIA: *bursts into tears* Nooooooooooooooo!
LIZA: Emily, how could you?
EMILY: *turns around* How could I what?
LIZA: Kill Sirius!
EMILY: I didn't kill Sirius; J.K. Rowling did. Didn't we go over this?
LIZA: He could've become your pet dog!
EMILY: What? Why didn't he just say so in the first place?
LIZA: He just did. Before Bellatrix killed him.
EMILY: Oh… *innocent face* Whoopsies! Never too late for a ghost dog, though, is it?
LIZA: *dramatic sigh*
BELLATRIX: *skipping away* I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!
HARRY: *begins to chase after Bellatrix*
LUPIN: Harry, stop!
Harry chases down Bellatrix, until she trips over nothing. Okay, in a chasing sequence… why is it someone always trips?
AUDIENCE: You're quite right. It happens every time.
BELLATRIX: You don't really mean to kill me?
EMILY: God, what is up with that woman's hair?
HARRY: Yes! I mean, no. I mean… I don't know?
VOLDEMORT: *as a voice in Harry's head* Do it, Harry… You know the spell.
HARRY: Who is that? God?
VOLDEMORT: No, dumbass! I'm the only person who talks like this. Besides, who else do you know who can get inside your head?
HARRY: …Oh yeah.
VOLDEMORT: Go on… Kill her, like she killed your godfather. You have to mean it, Harry…
HARRY: Look… I know I want to, I really do, but the thing is, I've got these protagonist instincts, and thinking about killing someone really sets them off, you know what I mean? And besides… Hey, you're trying to trick me!
Harry turns around to see Voldemort.
VOLDEMORT: Who, me? Trick you? You're kidding.
HARRY: No, I meant the other bald dark wizard. Of course you!
VOLDEMORT: Hey, no need to rub it in, okay? Do you realize how many hair productions I've tried, but to no avail? These damn hairs don't work anymore! And my nose… *sigh* I don't think I'm ever getting that back, either.
HARRY: Aw, but you can't give up yet?
LIZA: Uh, guys, this isn't really the time for a heart-to-heart.
VOLDEMORT: Heart-to-heart? Ewe! Harry and I were doing no such thing.
EMILY: Really? Because that's what it looked like.
BELLATRIX: And while no one is paying attention, I shall make my great escape!
Bellatrix slides into a fireplace and disappears in a puff of green smoke.
AUDIENCE: So apparently people can now use the floo network without floo powder? Interesting.
EMILY: Indeed.
Enter Dumbledore!
AUDIENCE: What, are we going to have to whole cast here now?
LIZA: Shut up.
EMILY: That's the spirit! *high-fives Liza*
DUMBY: Now, Voldy-poo, we aren't attacking students again, are we?
VOLDEMORT: Of course not, Dumbledore! But I don't believe you're one to talk.
DUMBY: Excuse me?
VOLDEMORT: Yes, I heard about those attacks on unsuspecting first years! You've always had a thing for male students, haven't you?
DUMBY: That is none of your business.
VOLDEMORT: Oh yeah? Well, you smell funny!
DUMBY: Oh no you didn't!
Thus, a huge and special effects-filled battle scene ensues.
VOLDEMORT: Hahaha! *makes glass shatter*
DUMBY: Sike! *shields glass bits*
VOLDEMORT: No!
DUMBY: Yes! *forms a giant ball of water*
EMILY: *yawns* I'm bored.
LIZA: Are you kidding?
EMILY: No, really. Any more of this and… Well, I don't know, but it won't be pleasant.
LIZA: But I thought you loved this sort of thing?
EMILY: I do. It just seems rather… overshot.
LIZA: I see…
VOLDEMORT: Now I shall intimidate you with my fire powers, gay old man!
DUMBY: A little help here, Harry?
HARRY: *cowering in the corner* Nah, I'm good.
Suddenly Voldemort gets a spectacularly evil idea!
VOLDEMORT: I've just gotten a spectacularly evil idea!
Voldemort goes into Harry's mind, causing him to see a series of painful thoughts and memories.
VOLDEMORT: Mwuahaha! Damn, I'm so evil! Now, wait a minute… What's this?
He watches Harry's worst memory – a particular event that occurred in the Astronomy Tower in his third year…
VOLDEMORT: Now, hang on a minute. Is that… Draco Malfoy? Ohmygawd, does Lucius know about this? Is he… and Harry… and is that DUMBLEDORE? Okay, I'm sorry, but not even I, a Lord of Darkness, would dare to put my hand… or tongue in places where that greasy-haired student as gone! And is that… even… possible? Ack! My eyes! THEY BURN!
Voldemort pulls himself out of Harry's mind.
VOLDEMORT: *points at Harry* Now, YOU have got some serious issues with your life, Potter!
In disgust, horror, and possibly a bit traumatized by it all, Voldemort leaves just in time for the Ministry to show up and catch a glimpse of him.
AUDIENCE: Took them long enough.
FUDGE: He's back!
EVERYONE: *groans of annoyance*
Some later date, possibly in the Gryffindor Common Room
DUMBY: Harry.
HARRY: Dumbledore.
DUMBY: *reading from off his hand* Look, I'm sorry about earlier… Ditching you like that was rude and irresponsible, and I now realize that-
HARRY: It's alright, Sir. I forgive you.
DUMBY: Well, that's a relief! See? *holds up his hand, covered in writing, for Harry to see* McGonagall wrote out a whole speech for me the other night, but I suppose if you're going to let it go that easily, I ought to wash it off. God, I love protagonists! They're always so forgiving…
HARRY: Oh, Professor? I was wondering… why you were distancing yourself from me this year.
DUMBY: For the same reason you tried to save Sirius. For the same reason your friends tried to save you.
HARRY: And what's that?
DUMBY: Oh, goodness, Harry! I don't know! I simply made that up. But it did sound convincing, didn't it? Yes, I do have quite a talent for that sort of thing.
HARRY: Oh. And, uh… there's something else. The prophecy, it said that 'neither can live with the other survives'. Does it mean that, in the end, Voldemort and I… one of us is going to have to kill the other?
DUMBY: Oh, don't say such dreadful things, Harry! And besides, how should I know? I'm just an old, gay, android wizard!
HARRY: I'm sorry a wha-
DUMBY: Never you mind that. Now, Harry, run along now and do whatever children do these days. So long as you don't burn down the school, of course… the rest of the staff would never forgive me for that. Oh, and mind you, don't go pestering Snape again. He's a terrible grouch, especially on the topic of sex, which I discovered when I 'accidentally' locked us in his potions cabinet a couple months back. The man is quite protective over his virginity, you see – can't see himself with anyone but your mother. And such a waste of what must be pure talent! I mean, have you seen his body? Oh, how I'd like to get into his pants with that 'tortured potions master' look he always-
HARRY: Uh, I think I've heard quite enough, Professor.
DUMBY: Oh. Of course, Harry. I'm sorry, was I getting carried away?
HARRY: Yes, you were. *runs his ass out of there*
In some corridor, Harry runs into Luna, who's putting up papers.
LUNA: Oh, hello, Harry.
HARRY: Luna… what are you doing?
LUNA: Oh, almost all my possessions have gone missing. I suspect someone's taken them.
HARRY: That's terrible.
LUNA: Oh, it's all good fun.
HARRY: Um… Luna, could you stop saying 'oh' before everything you say?
LUNA: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize I was doing it. But anyway, I really do need them back now… And, I'm sorry about your godfather, Harry.
HARRY: That's alright. Only two years ago everyone still thought he was a psychotic murderer. But, uh, if you'd like help looking for your stuff?
LUNA: No, that's quite alright. As my mum would always say, things we lose always have a way of coming back in the end.
EMILY: *looks down* Dammit, she knows. *takes off Luna's Converse and hands them to her*
LUNA: Thank you. Uh, and my bracelets?
LIZA: *rolls eyes and hands over Luna's bracelets*
EMILY: *whispers to Liza* Next time, we don't wear things in front of the person we took them from.
LIZA: Hey, you gave them to me.
EMILY: Did not!
LIZA: Yes, you did!
EMILY: …Fine, maybe so. But still, it was your idea.
LIZA: Was not!
EMILY: Yeah! I saw you eying them.
LIZA: Yes, but you brought it up.
EMILY: So? You were thinking the same thing.
AUDIENCE: Maybe you're both responsible?
EMILY AND LIZA: No way!
LUNA: *to Harry* ...Just not in the way we expected. Anyway, I think I'll just have some pudding. *skips off*
EMILY: I like her style. See, Liza? Skipping isn't gay.
LIZA: No, skipping just fine. But, how did you put it? Oh yeah – frolicking.
EMILY: And how does the choice of word change its definition in any way whatsoever, again?
At the train station
HARRY: Hey, I've been thinking.
RON: About what?
HARRY: You know, even though we have a war ahead of us… at least we have something Voldemort doesn't have.
HERMIONE: And what's that?
HARRY: Something worth fighting for.
We now zoom out, away from our students, to see the scenery around Hogwarts as the setting fades.
LIZA: My turn. The End!
EMILY: No fair! You said it last time.
LIZA: We said it together last time. Besides, you said it all the times before that.
EMILY: So? You didn't exist then.
LIZA: Yes I did, I just wasn't your DA. I was there; I'm always there.
EMILY: *gasp* You are?
LIZA: Yes. Yes, I am.
AUDIENCE: *sighs* The End!
LIZA AND EMILY: No!
EMILY: Fine, let's just say it together.
LIZA: Agreed.
EMILY AND LIZA: The End!