Disclaimer: I, by no means, claim to own anything remotely related to the Glee Universe. No copyright infringement intended.
I
The light is bright when her eyes open.
Bright enough that they slam shut again, and she lets out a muted groan as her head pounds. Other parts of her body hurt as well, but it's nothing like the throbbing behind her eyes.
For a moment, she's convinced she's actually hungover, even though she can't be sure she knows what that feels like, but then she starts hearing something that definitely isn't normal.
The steady beeping is unmistakable.
It's definitely a heart monitor, which means she's in the hospital.
But, why is she here?
Rachel flinches when she hears a door open, and then shuffling feet. She tries to prepare herself for what could happen, and the feel of a warm hand that touches her own brings surprising comfort.
"Hey," a voice says, and it sounds scratchy, raspy from fatigue, maybe. "I just went to get some coffee, and Parker in Room 32B was still going on about the decline in human morality." There's a soft chuckle. "I think the fact that none of the nurses pay attention to him anymore merely fuels his opinions. Hiram claims they're just delusions, but I'm starting to see sense in his ramblings." There's a soft sigh, and then the sound of a body shifting.
Rachel wonders if the pain will still be there if she opens her eyes. She thinks she knows this voice, but there's fuzz in her brain, and the voice is mumbled and exhausted.
Still, she tries.
She blinks them open, immediately cringing at the brightness, and she makes a pained sound.
The hand around her own tightens, and there's the sound of a gasp. There's a high-pitched, "Oh, my God," and then a face is moving into view.
Rachel can't focus. Everything is blurry, and she has to close her eyes again, before she becomes nauseous. Her heart is beating too fast, and she just wants everything to stop.
"Hey," the voice says, and it's soothing. "It's okay. Just breathe, okay? Just take deep breaths. You're okay. I promise you're okay."
And, Rachel doesn't know why she believes the voice, but she does.
"There we go," the voice says when her breathing steadies. "That's it. You're okay."
Rachel feels warm breath against her cheek, and then soft lips on her forehead.
"Take your time," the voice says. "I don't mind waiting. Though, I should probably get your doctor. And call your dads. Lee has been going crazy with the muffins since you've been in here. I think all of Lima has been offered a Berry Muffin."
The voice is calming to Rachel, and she focuses on it.
She's okay.
She has to be, even though she has no idea what's happened and why she's even in the hospital.
When she feels strong enough, she blinks her eyes open again, and she attempts to focus them once more.
"Hi," the voice says, and there's the sound of shifting again.
Rachel breathes slowly, and then settles her gaze on the face before her.
And.
Of all the people she expects to see, Quinn Fabray is literally the last one.
Her automatic response is to get away, and she attempts to do that, only she's lying in a bed and there's nowhere to go.
"Hey," the previously-comforting voice, which she now knows belongs to Quinn, says, and Rachel lets out a whimper. "Shit, are you in pain?" Quinn asks. "Let me get a nurse or something."
Rachel watches with wide eyes as Quinn scrambles to her feet and exits the room. Something is definitely going on here, if Quinn Fabray is in her room. What is she doing here? Why is she here? Did Rachel get slushied, ended up slipping and hitting her head, and now she's here? Maybe Quinn just wanted to see how much damage she's been able to -
Rachel flinches when the door opens again, and a small herd of people enters the room.
She's poked and prodded and her eyes and reflexes are tested.
She was in a car accident, apparently, and she's been in a coma for ten days, but she appears to be doing well.
Her fathers are on their way, apparently, because Quinn called them.
Quinn.
Rachel still doesn't understand what she's even doing here.
Car accident?
She doesn't remember anything about that.
It's after she's been given the physical all-clear that Rachel asks the question of the blonde girl.
"What are you doing here?" Her voice is rough, and it hurts a little to speak, despite the water she's had to drink.
Quinn, looking a little perplexed, exchanges a look with one of the doctors. "Where else would I be?" Quinn asks.
Rachel frowns. "I don't know. At school, maybe."
Quinn rolls her eyes. "Like I would ever just leave you here," she says. "And, plus, we're still on Winter Break."
Rachel's frown deepens. "No, we're not."
Quinn furrows her brow. "We are," she says. "You convinced me to drive home, when I knew it would be a bad idea, and now look where we are. I'm never listening to you again."
"Come home?"
"To Lima."
"But we live in Lima."
"We do," Quinn says, and her frown is heavy as she tries to make sense of what Rachel is really asking. "But, you also live in New York, where you go to school."
"What? No, I don't."
Quinn looks at the doctor again, and then looks at Rachel. "Rach, honey," she starts. "What's the last thing you remember?"
Rachel can feel herself start to panic. She, like everyone else in the room, can tell that something is terribly wrong.
"Rachel," Quinn says, and the sound of her first name from the blonde is entirely too foreign. "What is the last thing you remember?"
Rachel looks to the ceiling for a moment, gathering something from the stark white. "I remember - " she stops suddenly, and looks at Quinn. "Your hair is short."
Quinn automatically reaches to touch her own hair, a sinking feeling settling in her gut. "I cut it the end of junior year," she whispers, wishing with all her might that what she suspects isn't actually true.
Rachel sucks in a breath. "But, junior year's just started."
This time, when Quinn and the doctor exchange another look, the reality of what they may or may not be facing is monumental.
"You think we're still juniors?" Quinn asks, and her voice sounds pained.
"We're not?"
"No, Rachel," Quinn says. "We're college freshmen."
There's just a beat of silence, and then Rachel's building panic sets in. "No, no, no," she says. "That's impossible." It doesn't take long for her to get herself sufficiently worked up, and she's shouting and crying and thrashing, because she did not just lose more than two years of her life and where are her fathers and why is Quinn here and what is happening?
Eventually, they have to sedate her, and the last thing she sees are the tears pooling in Quinn's beautiful hazel eyes.
When Rachel next wakes, there's a hand in hers, but it's heavier, masculine, and there's a part of her that's relieved by it.
It's not Quinn.
Rachel's eyes open slowly, and it takes her a while to refocus. When she does, though, she comes face-to-face with her father, Hiram, who is holding her hand with his right and scrolling through his iPad with his left.
She squeezes his fingers, and then watches as his entire demeanour transforms. He sits bolt upright, nearly dropping his tablet, and then smiles so widely that it looks as if it hurts.
"There she is," he says. "I was wondering what all the fuss was about."
"Dad," she breathes, and her throat still hurts.
"Hold on, let me get you some water," he says, and then releases her hand to fetch her cup, helping her drink from her straw. "How are you feeling?" he eventually asks, smiling that soft 'Dad' smile she loves so much.
"I'm confused," she says, because she really is. "Please can you tell me what's going on."
He nods once, and then settles in his chair. "Well, Sweetie, you were in a car accident two weeks ago," he starts. "The roads were icy, and a pickup ended up skidding and plowing straight into your side of the car."
Rachel blinks. "My side."
"The passenger's side."
Rachel is almost too afraid to ask, but she still does. "Who was driving?"
"Quinn."
"Oh." Her face twists into something akin to confusion and bewilderment, but Hiram reads it as something else entirely: concern.
"Don't worry," he assures her. "All she got was a concussion and some severe whiplash, but she's doing much better. Especially now that you're awake."
Rachel frowns. "I still don't understand," she says. "What was I doing with Quinn?"
Hiram frowns, and Rachel realises he doesn't yet know how serious the problem is. "You were coming home, Sweetheart," he says. "You convinced Quinn to drive, once she finished her Finals."
Rachel doesn't even know what to say to that, and she feels and probably looks so lost.
Hiram clears his throat. "Quinn wasn't downplaying it, was she?" he questions. "You really don't remember?"
"Dad," she says, and there's a sense of pleading in her tone.
"Baby, today is the fourth of January 2013."
And, for all of Rachel's intelligence, she really can't seem to wrap her mind around that.
"What date do you think it is?" Hiram asks.
"October 2010, some time."
Hiram's features turn sympathetic. "Oh, Rachel."
"What's happening to me?"
He lets out a breath. "I was hoping they were wrong, but it seems your head injury is worse than we initially thought," he explains. "Your father and your doctors will be in later to explain it all, and Quinn should stop by after - " he halts at the distressed look on Rachel's face. "What? What's wrong?"
"Why was Quinn here when I first woke up?" she asks.
"Well, she's insisted on staying every day and night," Hiram answers easily.
"But, why?" Rachel questions, needing to know.
"Because she - " he starts to answer, and then immediately catches himself when he realises what this must look like to Rachel.
2010 Rachel.
Why would Quinn Fabray be at 2010 Rachel's bedside?
Oh.
Hiram's heart breaks all over again.
"Because she what?" Rachel asks. "Is it because she feels guilty? Does she think the accident is her fault? Is it?"
Hiram blinks. "Rachel," he says, and his voice sounds surprisingly stern. "If Quinn feels guilty about anything, it's because you've been in a coma for almost two weeks owing to an accident during which she was at the wheel. The accident is not her fault. Frankly, it's nobody's fault, which your father and I have spent a lot of hours trying to convince Quinn of, so I would thank you not to mention that to her, okay?"
Rachel just nods as she stares wide-eyed.
"Now, I realise, at the time in your current recollection, you and Quinn are... not friendly."
Rachel actually scoffs. "That's an understatement. She's been worse than she's ever been since she returned to the Cheerios."
Hiram can remember that time clearly, even though it occurred almost two and a bit years ago. It still hurts him to think of his daughter going through all of that, but then he remembers that Quinn was going through a lot, as well. The difference between the girls is how they dealt with it.
"Well," Hiram says; "you're definitely on better terms now."
"That's... impossible."
Hiram smiles this secret smile that makes her feel slightly uneasy. "Oh, believe me, it's very possible."
Rachel feels as if she's missing something very important, but she doesn't know which questions she should be asking.
Hiram sighs. "Look, Sweetheart, I know it's a lot to take in, but you don't have to say or do anything, okay? You just focus on getting better, and we'll deal with everything else as it comes."
That sounds like a solid enough plan, but she still has questions. "I live in New York?"
Hiram smiles. "You do," he says. "You stay in a loft with Kurt and Santana, and you attend the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts, with Kurt at FIT, and Santana at NYU."
"Wow," is all she can say because she's pretty sure both those people hate her. What on Earth happens in her life for her to end up living with both of them?
"You're very talented, Rachel," he says. "You've just sang in your first showcase, which is rare as a freshman. There should be a recording of it somewhere."
"Oh, yeah?"
"I'll ask Quinn," he says, and Rachel feels unsettled all over again.
Hiram shakes his head, because he's definitely not ready for this. "Uh, I should probably try to locate your father," he says. "I don't know about you, but I would also like to know more about what we're potentially dealing with here."
Rachel just nods, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. Her heart is still beating unsteadily and the world is too different.
Hiram gets to his feet and kisses her forehead. "I'll be right back."
All Rachel can do is watch him go and wonder just how different things will be when he comes back.
Hiram, for the most part, isn't sure what to feel. The girl in that bed looks like his daughter, but she doesn't seem like her.
Something is off.
Something is different.
And, when Rachel's doctors say the words 'memory loss,' Hiram knows things will never again be the same.
He's in the room when they tell Rachel, and he has to leave when she starts to cry, because what does that mean for her? What happens now? What about school?
It's when he's waiting outside that he sees Quinn again, and she looks equal parts hopeful and heartbroken.
"It's really true, isn't it?" is the first thing she says when she sees him, seeking some form of confirmation from him. "She doesn't remember anything?"
He nods once, and then immediately pulls her into a hug, because he can't stand to see the look on her face.
"How is she?" Quinn mumbles into Hiram's shirt.
"Confused," he says. "The doctors think it'll be helpful to get people she's familiar with to come in and talk to her."
Quinn tenses. "As in, not me."
Hiram doesn't respond.
Quinn just hugs him tighter. "I'm sorry."
"Please, don't," he whispers. "We've already talked about this."
Quinn just sighs deeply, and the two of them are still huddled together when LeRoy comes back out with Rachel's doctors. For a moment, he isn't sure what to do, but he eventually ignores the doctors and wraps his family in yet another hug.
The three of them just stand together, finding comfort in one another, as they face the next chapter of their lives.
Quinn is silent as LeRoy and Hiram talk to the doctors about what's going to happen next. There will be more tests to figure out just what Rachel remembers and what she doesn't. The mind is a beautiful thing, and it has a habit of retaining some things and forgetting others.
The doctors also think it will be helpful to have familiar people come by, which could trigger some memories.
LeRoy looks at Quinn then.
"They're in the waiting room," she says. "San and Kurt are itching to see her."
"Can you please get them?"
Quinn nods, and then turns and walks away. Her heart is thumping in her chest, and she's trying very hard not to lose herself in all this turmoil.
From his position, LeRoy watches Quinn's slumped shoulders and slow pace with worry. He's aware she hasn't been eating or sleeping properly, and he doesn't see any of that changing now that Rachel is awake.
Eventually, he and Hiram return to Rachel's room to find their daughter staring out the window, her face completely blank.
The first thing she asks when she sees them is, "Am I going to have to go back to high school?"
LeRoy actually lets out a laugh, because that's possibly the last thing he's even thinking about. "God, I have no idea."
Rachel just stares at him.
"We'll have to assess that," LeRoy says. "We don't have to make any of those decisions now."
Rachel is about to ask another question when there's a knock at the door and Kurt pops his head inside.
"Everyone decent?" Kurt asks.
Hiram waves him inside, just as Rachel shifts in her bed. As 2010 Rachel, she and Kurt are... okay, but she doesn't think she would actually live with him.
It doesn't help that Santana comes in straight after him and says, "Hey, Bitch."
Rachel glances at her fathers, but they both look as if they're used to the greeting.
Then, well, there's Quinn.
Rachel almost doesn't recognise her. She didn't really get a good look at the girl before she started panicking about her lost memory.
Now, though, she gets to look at Quinn, and it's as if the entire world just doesn't exist at all.
Quinn looks older, and a little weary, with slightly bloodshot eyes and pale cheeks. Relaxed and also tense. Her hair is shorter and a little unkempt, which actually works for her in this moment.
Frankly, she's even more stunning than Rachel remembers, and she absently wonders just how much happened to get Quinn to this point that Rachel can't remember.
Someone clears a throat, and Rachel snaps to attention, blushing slightly when she realises she was just staring at Quinn.
Kurt steps closer to her bed, and he's grown as well. He looks more sure, more confident, and Rachel realises New York has been good to him.
To Santana, too.
"Hi," the Latina says when Rachel eventually looks at her. "I know we're hot and all, but the staring's a little creepy."
"Santana," Kurt says with a shake of his head. "Be cool."
"I am cool."
Kurt rolls his eyes. "Is it true you don't remember anything since, like, 2010?"
Rachel nods.
"Dude," Santana says. "You're like a newborn baby right now."
"She gets to experience Project Runway all over again," Kurt says, his eyes wide. "Totally not fair."
"Don't ruin it for her," Hiram says. "This past season has to be the best yet."
"Ooh, and The Bachelor," Santana says. "I wouldn't even mind watching it again. Those girls are hot."
"So is he," Kurt says, and both of Rachel's fathers nod in agreement.
"I still think he should have picked the other girl," Quinn says, speaking for the first time.
Rachel sucks in a breath, and she feels overwhelmed all over again. She just can't understand why it's Quinn who makes everything about this situation that bit worse. Her presence highlights how different things are much more than Santana's does, and Rachel doesn't really know what to do with that.
If anything, Santana was probably more antagonistic, flinging insults as if it were child's play. Quinn was… different. Her cruelty came from a place of… hatred, and Rachel always got the impression the feeling was actually directed towards herself.
"That's just because you think she was hotter," Santana says.
"I'm gay," Kurt says; "and even I can agree she totally was. She had that whole Quinn Fabray vibe going for her."
"I don't know what that means," Quinn says.
"I totally see it," Santana says, ignoring her.
"Me too," Hiram says, raising a hand. "Practically screams Quinn Fabray."
Quinn just rolls her eyes before they settle on Rachel, who has been watching the entire interaction with curious eyes. It's obvious to Rachel they're all very comfortable with one another, and with her, so this banter doesn't seem entirely out of the ordinary.
It's still weird for her, though.
Are these her actual friends? Where's Mercedes? Tina? Where's Finn? Her heartbeat rises at the thought that they're no longer together. Is that why he's not here? Did they break up in the two years she has missing from her memory?
"Sweetheart," Hiram says, noting her distress. "Is everything okay?"
Rachel just stares at him, suddenly feeling helpless. "I don't know," she finally says. "This is all just so... weird." She looks at Santana. "I'm pretty sure you hate me." She looks at Quinn next. "So do you."
Both girls' faces fall.
"We've never hated you," Santana says, and she sounds as if she's in pain. "I'm just a bitch, and Q has issues we really wouldn't have the time to get into right now, but we've never hated you, Berry. You know that. Deep down, even in the time in your head, I know you do."
It's the first time Rachel notices the way Quinn is almost curled into LeRoy's side, and she finds the fact the blonde seeks comfort from her father entirely too weird. She just doesn't understand, and she doesn't know how to ask about it without sounding rude.
Kurt clears his throat. "Believe me, Rachel," he says. "They've really never hated you. They definitely don't now. Santana loves you, even though she would rather eat nails than admit it."
"Shut it, Hummel," Santana grumbles.
"See what I mean," he says smugly, and then sobers slightly. "As for Quinn, she loves you, and she'll happily admit it. Shout it from the rooftops, if you need it."
Rachel still looks somewhat disbelieving, because how can this be her life? She shakes her head. "Where's Mercedes?" she asks, just because she wants to be talking about something and someone else.
Kurt smiles widely. "She's in LA," he says. "She was home for a few days, but she had time already booked in the studio that she just couldn't miss."
"Studio?"
Kurt nods. "She's doing the background vocals on Jennifer Hudson's next album."
"Wow."
"Right." Kurt waves a hand. "Look at all of us, taking the world by storm."
In this time, Rachel knows Tina and Artie are still seniors, so she knows where they are - sort of - but she really can't stop herself from asking the burning question. "And Finn?"
Santana's face twists into a scowl, Quinn doesn't react at all, her fathers both turn their mouths down, and Kurt sighs tiredly.
"He's around," Kurt eventually says. "He's been working as Glee's Director while Mr Schue has been away trying to make a difference."
Rachel blinks, and her next questions get stuck in her throat. There's obviously something they're not telling her, and she's suddenly too afraid to find out.
Kurt glances over his shoulder at Quinn, and feels his own heart twist at the uncertainty he sees. He can't even imagine what it must be like for her to look at Rachel and know the girl doesn't remember a second of their entire relationship.
Rachel is looking expectantly at him when he turns back to her, and he tries to smile reassuringly. "There are other people here to see you," he says. "If you're up for it."
Rachel looks unsure. "Do they know I don't remember?"
Kurt nods. "They have an idea," he says. "They just want to lay eyes on you to make sure you're actually okay. You've given all of us a real scare, you know? I think Noah has drank more caffeine in the past two weeks than he has in his entire life. If Beth wasn't around to keep him grounded, I'm pretty sure he would be bouncing off the walls."
The room seems to take in a collective breath when Rachel asks, "Beth?" with confusion and eyes that dart Quinn's way.
Kurt tenses for a moment. "Oh," he says. "Umm, yes, Beth and Shelby have been by a few times. Shelby is actually one of the people waiting to see you."
Rachel frowns. "She is?" she asks. "But, why?"
Quinn steps forward. "You have a relationship now," she says. "Shelby moved to Lima at the start of our senior year, to patch things up with you and to allow Puck and I to get to know Beth." Her smile is a little wistful. "We're all a confusing little family, but that's what we are."
Rachel's brow furrows. "Is that why we're close?" she asks. "Because of Beth and Shelby?"
Quinn's smile turns a bit sad. "I like to think it's the other way around," she says with a slight shrug. "The fact we're close has allowed for better relationships with your mother and my daughter."
It feels as if it should be a private conversation between the two girls, but they're in a room with some of the most important people in their lives, so it shouldn't matter.
"I don't understand," Rachel eventually says, because everything is still so confusing. "It's all so different. Why can't one thing be the same?"
The other occupants all exchange looks, silently asking questions of one another.
Santana speaks up first. "You still sing in the shower," she says. "And you still totally suck at cooking, no matter what that idiot Brody tells you."
"As much as I've tried," Kurt says dramatically; "you still have a ridiculous fondness for your Argyle."
"Your favourite food is still lasagna," LeRoy chips in.
"You still make those odd sounds when you're trying to concentrate during board games," Hiram adds.
"You're also still a fan of matching cat calendars, even if it's more of a joke now," Quinn says.
"You're still obsessed with ferrets," Santana says. "Which, I repeat, we are not getting for the loft. The best I can do is a goldfish."
Kurt swats at her Santana's arm, and then tells Rachel, "You still care so deeply about everyone and everything. That has never changed."
"You're still patient and forgiving," Quinn says, and her voice sounds heavy. "Your favourite song is still Make You Feel My Love sung by Adele. You still brush your teeth before you do anything else in the morning, because you're convinced you have the worst morning breath imaginable, when you really don't. You still hate Brussels sprouts, which you admit is the most cliché thing about you. Your favourite movie is still Titanic, even though it's not technically a musical. It's the epic romance and tragedy that gets to you. Funny Girl is still your go-to movie, and you can never go to sleep until you know everyone you know and love is safe and accounted for."
The silence that follows Quinn's little monologue is charged with emotions and questions, and it takes a knock on the door to break the silence.
"Come in," LeRoy says, and Rachel is left feeling even more confused and unsettled.
How does Quinn even know those things about her? Are they actually that close? She's pretty sure neither Jesse or Finn ever knew half of those things, and that raises her discomfort. She doesn't want Quinn Fabray to know such intimate details about her.
The door opens to reveal Shelby, who smiles the second she sees Rachel's open eyes. She looks relieved and genuinely happy, and Rachel has never seen her look like that before. It's so foreign, but she feels this warmth spread through her chest because, God, all she's ever wanted was for her mother to look at her like that.
She's aware of her fathers making to leave the room, with Santana, Quinn and Kurt following.
There's a moment.
It's while the second group of visitors shuffle inside and the original group leave that something very significant happens.
With Shelby is Noah and Finn, and, the second Rachel sees Finn, her entire face lights up, because this is her boyfriend, and he's familiar.
Rachel doesn't even realise the heartbreak she causes in that one moment, and she won't learn it until days later.
Shelby stays a while.
Rachel can't stop staring at her, because she's here and it's obvious she wants to be.
"You've had us so worried," Shelby says. "Quinn's been an absolute wreck, and your fathers haven't been sleeping properly. You have no idea how good it is to see you."
"Damn straight," Noah says. "I'm totally hopped up on caffeine because of you."
Rachel smiles at him, because she can expect Noah to be the same, right?
But, then, he says, "I haven't been able to concentrate at work, and I definitely would have been fired if Fabray didn't spend the time she wasn't here cooking for everyone. I bet you're dying for some of her soup right now."
Rachel just stares blankly at him, and Noah shifts uncomfortably.
"Or, not," he murmurs.
"Rach," Finn says, and Rachel turns kind, trusting eyes on him. He hasn't changed at all. He's even still wearing one of his striped rugby shirts, and she wants to reach out to touch him just to make sure he's real. "How are you feeling?" he asks.
"It's a lot to deal with," she confesses quietly.
"We can only imagine," Shelby says, gently patting Rachel's leg through the covers. "It must be an information overload. Everything must be so different and new."
Rachel nods, because at least Shelby gets that part. They all seem to, but nobody but her can truly understand what it's like. It's as if everything she's ever known is just not true.
Everyone else has lived these lives and grown and changed, and she's stuck in a time before all of that happened, and the only person she truly recognises is Finn because, like her, he could exist in 2010 as well.
There's comfort to be found in that, and she desperately wishes for more of it. It doesn't matter that people can list all the things that haven't changed about her, because she just doesn't feel it, and that makes all the difference.
Shelby eventually has to leave to pick up Beth, and Noah has to go to work, so it's just Rachel and Finn for a few precious minutes. In his presence, seeing that completely dopey smile, she finds herself the most relaxed she's been since she first woke up, and she's almost desperate to hold onto it.
"In my memories, we're dating," Rachel informs him.
Finn's eyes seem to light up. "We are?"
She nods. "I'm going to assume, from your reaction, we're currently not dating."
He frowns. "No, we're not. You're actually - " he halts. "You don't know?"
"Know what?"
"Nobody's told you," he confirms, and then smiles. "It's probably a good thing," he says.
"What is?"
He just smiles again. "So, we're dating?"
Rachel blinks. "We're happy, right? I remember us being happy."
"We are, Rachel," he confirms, because he can sense she needs to hear the words. "Where are you in time?"
"Junior year," she says. "Before the duet competition."
Finn thinks back for a moment, and then smiles so widely, it actually looks as if it hurts. "Then, yes, we are happy," he says. "We're the power couple."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Rachel feels something settle in her gut, because that's really all she's wanted. She can acknowledge just how shallow she might have been in 2010, but Finn Hudson as her leading man has always been in her plans.
She doesn't know and suddenly doesn't care what led her astray, because she's in this moment now, and Finn is here, and nothing is going to get in the way this time around.
In the late afternoon, after a brief nap, Rachel is visited by Tina, Artie, Sam, Blaine and Brittany, who are all seniors now. She has questions about Brittany, but she doesn't ask them. The girl obviously didn't graduate with them, and she imagines that hasn't been easy to deal with.
As it stands, Rachel can't recall finishing school either, so there's also that. Her fathers assure her it's low on the list of worries, so she believes them.
It is a worry, though, because how can she be a college student when she doesn't remember the last two years of high school? Technically, she still has her diploma, so she's done all the work required. It's just a special situation, and she's trying very hard not to think about it.
Tina is the only one who seems the most comfortable with this Rachel. Artie is a little unsure, Sam is essentially a stranger. Blaine is uncertain where he stands with her, and Brittany just wants her to be better.
Still, it's really nice to see them, but they eventually have to leave. Rachel needs her rest, which she gets.
She didn't know lying in a bed could be so exhausting.
The tests reveal that she does in fact have memory loss, though the doctors can't specify if it's temporary or permanent. They suspect bits and pieces will return in time, but most of it is, essentially, lost.
Rachel cries at the confirmation, and the others don't fare any better.
It's later, when she's supposed to be asleep that she hears Quinn ask in a broken voice, "What if she never remembers? What do I do then?"
"She'll remember," someone says, but even Rachel can tell whoever's spoken doesn't believe the words, either.
In the great scheme of things, it happens far too quickly for anyone's liking.
It's two days later when Brittany and Tina are visiting Rachel again that what everyone has been actively trying to keep from her gets revealed.
Tina gets up to make a coffee run to the cafeteria, which leaves Rachel alone with Brittany, and it's the moment Rachel asks about graduation.
"I didn't," Brittany softly says. "I didn't get the right grades, so I stayed behind." Her smile is a little sad. "We've always been the Unholy Trinity, and now we're all in different places."
Rachel reads her facial expression. "You miss them."
Brittany nods. "Quinn is better at calling," she says. "San is still sad we couldn't go to New York together, like we planned. I also know she doesn't want to talk about who she's dating, and she really doesn't want to hear about who I'm dating."
Rachel just nods.
"But, I do see them," Brittany continues. "You all came down for Thanksgiving and, before that, I went up to New Haven for one of the smaller Pride walks. You and Quinn even made the cover of the Yale newspaper."
"Wait. What?"
Brittany straightens slightly.
"What did you just say?" Rachel asks, blanching. "What about Quinn and me?"
Brittany's eyes widen. "Nothing," she says. "Nothing."
Rachel meets her gaze. "Brittany," she says. "Did you just say that Quinn and I attended a Pride event together?" She almost laughs at how absurd the question sounds to her own ears. "As in, Quinn Fabray, President of the Celibacy Club, Bible Crusader, devout Christian? She was at Pride? Why? To tell people to save themselves? Did she hand out flyers to get people to see the light?"
Brittany frowns. "Rachel," she says. "Don't be mean. It's not like you."
And, for the most part, Rachel feels suitably chastised, because she is being unnecessarily mean. Quinn has been nothing but nice to her since she woke up, and Rachel doesn't even know why she's reacting so strongly to the idea that she and Quinn are even friends.
"I just don't understand," Rachel says. "Why was Quinn at Pride?"
"For support," Brittany says, somewhat uneasily. "All her best friends are some kind of gay. Santana, Kurt, me, you, Julia - "
"Wait," Rachel cuts in. "Did you just say me? As in, I'm some kind of gay?"
Brittany nods. "You're bicurious, aren't you?"
Rachel doesn't recall ever admitting that to anyone before, and she wonders what she might have revealed about herself in the two years she has missing from her memory.
Oh, God.
Does Finn know?
"It's okay, you know?" Brittany says. "Quinn says it makes her feel even more special, that you chose her out of an even bigger pool of people."
Rachel frowns, because Brittany is definitely not saying what Rachel thinks she's saying. "What?"
Brittany gives her a look, as if asking how she could possibly not understand. "You're bicurious, so you like both boys and girls, like me, but you choose Quinn, which makes her extra special because the ocean is so much bigger and there are a lot more fish."
And, Rachel just won't accept what Brittany is inadvertently telling her, even though her head and body is screaming the truth at her.
It's true.
Of course, it's true.
But.
"What do you mean about choosing Quinn?" she asks.
Brittany starts to respond, and then snaps her mouth shut. "Oh," she says. "I'm not supposed to tell you."
"Tell me what?" Rachel asks. "What aren't you supposed to tell me?"
"They said it would stress you out," she says. "That you're not ready to know."
"Know what?"
Brittany leans forward. "You can't tell them I told you," she whispers. "You're not supposed to know."
"Know what?" Rachel asks again.
"That you're bicurious for Quinn," she says, bouncing slightly.
"I'm what?"
"You love Quinn," Brittany says; "and she loves you. Like, love love. San never admits it, but we're sometimes jealous of you guys. Quinn loves with everything, and so do you."
Rachel shakes her head. "Brittany, you must have it wrong," she says. "Quinn and I are not... whatever you're claiming we are."
"Girlfriends," Brittany says. "In love. You are. It's so cute."
"No," Rachel says, starting to shake her head. "No," she says again. "You're wrong. We're not. There's no way."
Brittany frowns, starting to argue the truth of it, but Rachel won't let her.
"No, no, no," she says. "You're wrong. It's not true. I wouldn't - she wouldn't - you can't just say things like that. I - I love Finn, and you can't just say things like that. You can't. You can't. You can't."
Her own words kickstart a panic attack, and she can't breathe, and Brittany has to rush out to get some help because Rachel just won't calm down, and nothing is helping.
They call her doctors, and, an injection later, she drifts to a place where her entire world hasn't been flipped on its head.
"So... she knows," a voice whispers, and Rachel immediately recognises it despite her grogginess. She's not fully awake, but she knows that voice, and she forces herself not to react when all she wants to do is scream get out.
"It seems so," LeRoy says.
Quinn sighs. "I wanted to be the one to tell her."
"Did you have a plan?"
"No."
"Maybe it's better the bandaid was ripped off?"
"She had a panic attack, Lee," Quinn says, and she sounds so weary. "They had to sedate her. I don't know about you, but that tells me a hell of a lot about what she thinks about the idea of being with me."
"She doesn't know you, Quinn."
"And, she obviously doesn't want to," Quinn says. "I thought, maybe, I could have more time just to talk to her, let her get to know me before I said hey, you want to know something funny, we've actually been in a relationship for more than a year, want some more jello?"
"Rachel doesn't eat jello."
"So not the point, Lee."
"What do you want me to say, Quinn?"
Quinn sighs again, and Rachel can practically feel it in her bones. "I want you to tell me everything's going to be okay," she whispers. "I need you to tell me I didn't just lose her, when she's lying right here. I need you to tell me she'll love me again."
And, it's the fact that LeRoy says nothing in response that breaks all their hearts.
The next time Rachel wakes, Santana is the only other person in the room. She's reading a magazine, one leg crossed over the other, and she looks utterly bored.
While Rachel can accept that they're friends in 2013, the 2010 Rachel is still wary of the Latina. She's seen far too much, and she isn't just about to forget her experiences with the other girl.
Santana eventually notices she's awake, and sets the magazine on the table beside Rachel's bed. "There she is," Santana says, and her smile is gentle, soft in ways Rachel has never seen before. "They really knocked you out, didn't they?"
Rachel blinks. Knocked her out? For what?
Oh.
"How long have I been out?" Rachel asks, not mentioning that she was halfway awake for a random five minutes in the middle there.
"A while," Santana says. "Long enough that I had to get Britt to restrain Q from doing something stupid like cutting her hair even shorter or even like going to her parents to get the number to some hotshot doctor who could probably diagnose your amnesia for what it really is."
Rachel has no idea what to say to that, so she just remains silent.
Santana leans forward. "So, you know, huh?" she says. "I anticipated a freakout, but definitely not one that bad. I mean, there are worse people to be with. Like Finncompetent, or even JBI."
Rachel frowns. "But, I am with Finn."
"You haven't been with Finn since junior year, Berry," she says with a shake of her head. "You and Quinn have been together, in a completely committed, adult relationship for more than a year."
"No," Rachel says. "That can't be true. I'm not - I don't even - "
"Oh, hun, you are, and you do," she says. "Our apartment in NYC is one, big, gay party. It's kind of a requirement to live there, you know? You have to exist on the LGBT spectrum. It's written in our lease."
"Santana."
"I know it doesn't help you just telling you these things, but it's all real, okay? You and Q are like stupidly in love with each other, it's disgusting."
"Santana."
The Latina rolls her eyes, and then hands her a scrap of paper. "That's your Facebook login information," she says. "Q says you changed it after graduation. Your Timeline is kind of a sequence of events in your relationship with her, so it should prove we're not making this all up to mess with you."
Rachel's eyes widen. "We're out?"
Santana nods. "How do you think I worked up the courage to be out as well?"
"I didn't know you were."
"Well, I am."
They're quiet for a moment as Rachel tries to make sense of everything she's just learnt.
"You know," Santana says into the silence, and she sounds thoughtful. "I always suspected Q would be a trailblazer, but she surprised even me with this one."
"Brittany said we went to Pride?"
Santana hums in confirmation. "Like I said, totally surprised me."
Rachel just hums, and then resettles against her pillows. "In my head, I'm still in love with Finn," she says. "We're in a relationship, Santana. I don't know how to consolidate that with the fact that I'm actually dating a girl who used to bully me to tears."
Santana winces. "She's not that girl anymore."
"I don't know that, and I'm sorry if I'm not going to take your word for it."
Santana sighs. "Let her show you then," she says. "She's ready and willing to win your love once more. She did it once, and you'd be stupid not to let her try to do it again. I know my words mean nothing, but I've literally never seen either of you happier. Quinn is the superior significant other, Rachel. Hands down."
The fact that she uses 'Rachel' makes Rachel feel the weight of her words. But, that's all they are. Words. She thinks she needs to see it, to know for sure, and that's what the Facebook information is for.
She'll get to see for herself.
She'll get to see the memories she's lost, and then she can try to piece together the last two years that are missing.
"Okay," is all Rachel says. "Okay."
It's all that matters now, anyway. It's all she has to offer.
"Your phone was destroyed in the accident," Santana says, "but Q brought your iPad if you want to use it. There's also Netflix if you're bored."
"Netflix?"
"Oh, fuck," she says. "Never mind."
Rachel just sighs. "One thing at a time, huh?"
"Sure."
Rachel glances down at the piece of paper, and frowns at the sight of her password that's Lucyintheskywithdiamonds1993. What the?
She resolves to log in once Santana has left.
Which is an intention that gets shot to hell the second Finn Hudson visits a few minutes after the Latina has left.
"What are you doing?"
It's Kurt who asks the question, because he's the one who showed up to visit Rachel after forcing Quinn to get some sleep, only to find his stepbrother sitting on the edge of Rachel's bed and holding the brunette's hand.
Finn's lucky it's him and not Quinn or Santana, because Kurt might have the intention to hurt him, but it's unlikely he'll actually follow through the way those crazy girls might.
Finn almost jumps out of his skin when he sees Kurt, whose arms are folded across his chest accusingly. "What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same question," Kurt says.
"I came to see Rachel," Finn says.
"I see," Kurt says. "And, how do you explain the hand-holding?"
Finn hesitates. "She needed it."
"Did she now?"
Finn nods vigorously. "Don't you see, Kurt? This is my chance."
"Your chance to what?"
"Get it right," he says, and Kurt almost groans at the sound of those words. "With Rachel. It's our second chance. Or third."
Kurt frowns. "You're kidding, right?"
"Why would I be kidding?" Finn says. "This is like the Universe trying to fix itself. In Rachel's time, we're still dating, and I can make sure I don't mess it up this time."
"Are you even hearing yourself?" Kurt asks. "This isn't some kind of do-over for you, Finn. Rachel got injured and she lost her memories. It's something serious."
"I know," Finn says, suddenly defensive. "I don't see what the big problem is. Rachel seems happy."
"You don't see the problem," Kurt echoes. "Uh, what about Quinn?"
Finn scowls, because he and said blonde haven't really seen eye-to-eye for some time now. Finn still believes Quinn is the reason Rachel didn't give them another chance at the end of their junior year, and he's never quite forgiven her.
And, now, because of Quinn, he's been handed the gift of a Rachel Berry who still looks at him as if the stars shine in his eyes. He didn't even realise how much he missed being looked at that way, and he's going to do whatever it takes to hold onto it. He's going to do better this time around.
"Finn," Kurt says. "You can't do this."
"Why not?" Finn immediately counters. "I thought you would want Rachel to be happy, and I can do that. I mean, you guys hadn't even told her about Quinn, so what does that say?"
Kurt has so many things he wants to say, but he honestly can't form the words. In the end, all he says is, "You can't do this," again.
Finn levels his gaze at Kurt, and then says, "Watch me."
Rachel is staring at nothing in particular when Kurt finally enters the room. He's feeling conflicted. He has a loyalty to Quinn, but there's really nothing he can say to Rachel, other than please don't start anything with my stepbrother.
"Hey," he says, and Rachel offers him a small smile.
"Hi," she says. "Are you guys playing some kind of tag team?"
He shrugs. "We're acting as trusted eyes and ears," he admits. "Quinn's worried about you, and she wants to see you, but, well, with the way you reacted earlier, she doesn't want to send you into another panic attack."
Rachel sighs. "I don't know how else I was supposed to react."
"Um, maybe not almost hyperventilating," he suggests. "And, I don't know, maybe also not spending time alone with Finn."
Rachel stares at him. "Are you telling me that because you're actually interested in him?"
Kurt clenches his jaw. "You know, even in junior year, I thought we moved on from that," he says. "If you want to take another hit at me, then do so, but you have to know you and Finn aren't together for a reason, and the Rachel in 2013 is happy in her relationship with Quinn. Why would you want to ruin that for her?"
"She's not me, Kurt," Rachel says. "She's not me, and you're all going to need to accept that."
"You want everything to be the same, and I think it's time you also accept it's not," he says. "Whatever you're doing with Finn isn't going to change what's really happening."
"And, what is really happening here, Kurt?" she asks pointedly. "What is all of this?"
He takes a moment. "Rachel Berry is my best friend," he says. "She's honestly the best person I know, and she's happy and in love and talented, and I love her in ways that are making me say these things that I know you don't like hearing. Just…
"Please don't ruin things for her. Please. Maybe, one day, you're going to remember things, and then what? What happens when you've spent all this time with Finn and burned everything with Quinn, just to make yourself feel more settled? What happens when 2013 Rachel starts to remember, and you've managed to lose Quinn? What happens then?"
And, for the most part, Rachel doesn't actually care.
It's Quinn.
Rachel doesn't love Quinn, and she can't actually see herself ever getting over everything enough to be able to do so. That's just her current reality, because her last conscious memory of Quinn involved hateful words and cruel laughter.
Her resolve must show on her face, because Kurt sighs in defeat.
"I always knew you were stubborn, but this is a little much, isn't it? All you have to do is open your eyes and see what's right in front of you. Being so determined to hold onto the past this way is going to ruin it all for my best friend, and you have to know that future Rachel isn't going to forgive you if you do."
Rachel looks away from him, and then says, "I think I'd like you to leave now."
While Kurt thinks he expects it, it still surprises him that she asks him to go. "Okay," he says, relenting. "Okay, Rachel. If that's what you want, I'm going to go. Just, please think about this properly. Just, think about it. It's not just Quinn's heart you'll be breaking, but also your own."
Rachel says nothing, and Kurt takes his leave.
She has a lot to think about.
Rachel does think about it - perhaps too much - and she thinks she makes a decision. It helps that people seem to be giving her a wide berth, but she knows they're just waiting to broach the subject.
Rachel works herself into right panics whenever she spends too much time thinking about the fact her future self ends up in a relationship with the girl who made it her mission to make her life a living hell.
How?
Just, how?
She's far too terrified to log onto Facebook, because she's worried the confirmation will just confuse her. She doesn't want it to be real, and it's much easier to pretend it's not.
Rachel has two full days that are Quinn-free and, when she does finally see the blonde again, she's not ready for it.
Quinn is just standing talking to LeRoy, and Rachel can see her through the open door, and she already feels the panic attack building. It's all a little too much to deal with, particularly after her conversations with Santana and Kurt, and all she wants is for everything to stop.
She needs this not to be a thing in her life.
Her breathing starts to grow rapid, and it gets worse the more she thinks about it. It's bad enough to alert LeRoy and Quinn and, when they both rush into the room, Rachel actually shrieks as Quinn gets closer, reaching out to touch her.
"Quinn," LeRoy suddenly says, and he sounds stern. "You have to leave."
Rachel closes her eyes to the way Quinn's entire face falls, because she doesn't need the guilt of causing that in her life, on top of everything else.
It takes almost ten minutes to get her calm enough that her heart isn't beating rapidly and her breathing isn't in the stratosphere.
It takes another fourteen minutes for LeRoy to feel comfortable enough to leave the room, once more, and it's the moment Rachel makes her own decision that she suspects LeRoy has already made.
That can't happen again, so she does the completely mature thing and asks Hiram to -
Well, she asks him to tell Quinn that she doesn't want to see her.
Hiram looks as stricken as Rachel's sure Quinn is going to. "Are you sure?" he asks softly.
Rachel isn't, but she still nods. "I - I can't do this, Dad. I just can't."
Hiram has a thousand things he wants to say, but nothing comes out. What can he say, anyway? He doesn't know how to make this better for any of them.
What he does know is that he can't and won't be the one to say the required words to Quinn, because they would break him.
He's suddenly certain they're going to break them all.
"Wait."
LeRoy waits.
"You don't think it's a good idea for me to see her," Quinn echoes. "Is that your professional opinion?"
LeRoy doesn't immediately say anything. The truth is he wishes none of this was happening, but he sees no other choice.
"Quinn," LeRoy says. "You have to understand that seeing you is hindering her recovery. She's far too stressed out at the moment, and I don't know how else to get her to stay calm. Her disbelief is through the roof. Can you imagine what any of this has been like for her?"
And, the thing is, Quinn understands.
Of course, she understands.
It would be worse if she didn't, but she does.
She just -
"Lee," she whispers. "What do I do? What am I supposed to do?" She looks positively helpless. "She's - she's everything."
LeRoy closes his eyes. "I know, Sweetheart."
Quinn looks away, in order to gather herself, and then asks, "What happens now?"
LeRoy meets her gaze. "I think you already know, Quinn."
Quinn sighs, because she does. "Okay," she says. "Okay."
Rachel knows she shouldn't, but she still pretends to be asleep when she hears her door open. She doesn't really want to deal with anyone else, now that she's been privy to what's actually happened the past two years.
"Hey," a voice says, and Rachel does her best not to react to the sound of Quinn's soft timbre. "I never thought I would be happy you're actually asleep, but this is the only way I get to see you, so I'll take it."
Rachel hears Quinn shuffle further into the room, and then take a seat in the chair at her bedside.
Quinn sighs. "I get why you don't want to see me," she says. "I mean, I understand it, sort of. I don't know if I can ever really say I know what it's like for you, but, if I woke up one day as 2010 Quinn and found out I was in a relationship with you, I probably, definitely, would have freaked the fuck out." She laughs breathily. "And, yet, here we are. I couldn't have predicted it any better than the next person, but I have no regrets about anything, because I now know how it feels to be loved by you, and it's meant everything to me.
"In our lives before the accident, we're happy, you know? Being apart is difficult, but we've been making it work. You told me we could do it, and I never quite believed you until we started actually doing it."
Rachel feels gentle pressure on her hand, and she resists the urge to pull it away.
"I know things must be really confusing, and I don't want to make it worse, which is why I'll be going to stay with Santana. I just - I need you to know I'm here. I love you, and I need you to know that. We've been happy, and I want us to get that back. I want to prove to you that you made all the right decisions when you gave me a chance the first time. I'll do it all again, Rachel. I'll work my way through all the stages, friendship to lovers, just to prove to you I'm worth it. We're worth it, Rachel, because you and me, we're meant to be. You'll see."
Rachel could almost believe her, but she can't help but remember the slushies and the vile words.
"If you'll let me, I intend to woo you again. I'm looking for the silver lining, you know? We get to relive all our firsts, if you'd like. I can also tell you about them. I can answer all your questions, and I promise to tell you the truth. I did that when we first started out, you know. It's the only thing you said you wanted from me - expected of me - and I've done my best to keep it. I've been the most honest with you than anyone else in my life, and I need you to know how much you mean to me. I love you, Rachel Berry, and I intend to prove myself to you."
Rachel hears Quinn get to her feet, and then she feels soft, warm lips against the skin of her forehead. Quinn lingers, inhaling deeply, and Rachel hates how comforting the action is to her.
"You know," Quinn says as she pulls away. "You can pretend all you want, but you should know I've spent many a night in bed beside you. I know how you breathe when you're sleeping, Rachel Berry." Her breath is warm against Rachel's skin. "But, it's okay," she says. "As long as you know." Another kiss. "I love you."
And, then, she's gone.
Rachel can't help but wish she stayed.
By the time Rachel is scheduled to be discharged, things have settled.
Quinn doesn't visit.
Kurt visits only when Santana does.
Finn visits every afternoon, which are the only few hours of the day that she feels the most herself.
Sort of.
She thought she would feel better without having to deal with the pressure of knowing about her relationship with Quinn by just not seeing the blonde, but she's starting to feel something else entirely different now.
She doesn't want to accept that she feels a little lonely.
It isn't even as if she spent any significant time with Quinn, but she feels this odd sort of loss that she just can't seem to understand, and she doesn't know who to talk to about it. Her fathers seem conflicted, Finn avoids talk of anything to do with the accident and its aftermath, Santana doesn't even bring up Quinn anymore save for complaints of hogging the duvet covers, and Kurt wears his disapproval like a mask.
There are others, but Rachel realises far too quickly just how few people 2010 Rachel actually had in her corner. It was really just Finn, and she's come to accept that 2013 Rachel is luckier.
Kurt's warning rings in her mind, but there's nothing to be done about it now.