Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Princess
Redirected by Emily Claus
PLEASE NOTE: These scripts are written as a continuation of Darth Maligna's first two. So don't kill me if the ideas aren't 100% original.
EMILY'S LAWYER: Before we begin, I would like to announce the fact that this is a parody. If you'd prefer to see every exact detail, please just read the friggin' book already. Or watch the movie, which this is based off of more, due to the fact that it takes much less time. Also, Emily would like me to add here that it's not because she's lazy. Finally, I must cover copyright issues: if you think Emily owns Harry Potter or anything about it, you've got to be absolutely insane. JKR owns it, so screw you. Thank you.
EMILY: 'Allo!
AUDIENCE: …Hi.
LIZA: Sorry, she forgot to take her medications today… again.
EMILY: I did not!
AUDIENCE: *look up at title* 'Princess', huh?
EMILY: *shrugs* Well, I figured it was about Snapey, so I thought I'd make him a pwetty pwincess.
AUDIENCE: We thought as much.
We start the film with a bunch of what we like to call 'show-off camera moves', zooming around a city with the Death Eaters, which makes you wonder, 'why don't any of the good guys fly around?' but never mind that.
FENRIR: *stops midair* One sec, my BananaPhone's ringing… it's the Dark Lord.
LUCIUS: Pfft, don't answer it.
AUDIENCE: Wizards don't have phones.
EMILY: Too bad. Voldemort's now made the ownership of a BananaPhone a Death Eater requirement.
LIZA: *singing* Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, BananaPhone!
EMILY: Doop-dooby-dooby-doo!
AUDIENCE: *aggravated groans*
FENRIR: *sigh* I've gotta take this. Hello, this is Fenrir Grayback speaking? Uh, yes, Master. I know it's you. And yes, I know you know it's me – you're the one who called me. Yes, I'm aware of that. So what is it? Voldemort, your Death Eaters are not your 'homeboys' when we're off work! No, I don't care if you rented some classic Disney movies. What was that? You've got The Little Mermaid? One minute. *holds down the phone* Lucius, he's got The Little Mermaid and a bunch of popcorn. Shall we join him?
LUCIUS: *thinks* Alright, fine. Let's just destroy this bridge first.
FENRIR: Oh, okay. *holds phone back up* We'll be there in ten. *hangs up* Okay, he says to hurry or he'll let Bellatrix and your wife eat all our popcorn.
LUCIUS: Oh, but we can't let him do that!
And so, Lucius and Fenrir blow up a random bridge, then race to Voldemort's super-secret Death Eater clubhouse… in his grandmother's basement.
In some restaurant
HARRY: *reading a newspaper*
WAITRESS: Harry Potter?
HARRY: *looks up*
WAITRESS: Who's Harry Potter?
HARRY: Oh, I don't know.
WAITRESS: Oh. You know, for a minute there I could've sworn I just saw those pictures moving.
EMILY: You know, for a muggle, she's not very bright. I thought half the population had already read the series?
HARRY: Hey, I was wondering-
WAITRESS: Eleven. That's when I get off.
HARRY: Actually I was going to ask if you brushed your hair this morning, but okay.
LIZA: Ginny is going to hate your guts…
Harry walks up to the window and sees Dumbledore.
AUDIENCE: What about the train?
EMILY: What train? Oh, right!
Dumbledore gets hit by a train.
AUDIENCE: No!
In the subway
Dumbledore and Harry are staring at an advertisement for lip gloss with a giant picture of Harry in bed with some random girl.
DUMBY: You've been reckless this summer, Harry.
HARRY: Takes my mind off things.
DUMBY: Yes, well, it'll take more than an unpleasant experience to stop Voldemort for good.
HARRY: Who said anything about unpleasant?
WAITRESS: *waiting a couple feet away*
DUMBY: Take my arm.
HARRY: But, she'll think I'm gay!
DUMBY: And what's wrong with that?
HARRY: I – just – but… fine.
Harry takes Dumbledore's arm, and they spiral to… somewhere else.
HARRY: Woohoo! Do it again!
DUMBY: You just apparated, Harry.
HARRY: I know, and then I said 'woohoo, do it again'.
DUMBY: …Right. Harry, I've just brought you to the lovely town of Somewhere Else. And are you wondering why?
HARRY: Hagrid said students shouldn't ask questions.
DUMBY: Quite right.
They enter Slughorn's house.
DUMBY: Wands out.
BOTH: *pull out their wands* Lumos.
DUMBY: Harry, don't hold it so close to your eye! The light from 'lumos' is real fire.
HARRY: No it's not. *sticks it in his eye* Aaah, it burns! The pain! Oh, the agony!
DUMBY: Harry. You didn't have to stick it in your eye just to prove me wrong.
HARRY: Oh, Dumbledore, now I wish I hadn't. It stings like hell!
DUMBY: I suppose you've been through worse.
HARRY: *cupping his hand over an eye* Ow… Hey, why does it look like someone died here?
DUMBY: I thought Hagrid told you not to ask questions?
HARRY: He did. I just find it hard to listen.
They wonder about the damaged house for a bit, until Harry looks up at the ceiling to see blood dripping through it. A drop falls on his forehead, and Dumbledore licks it off, smiling. Harry backs away, still covering his eye with one hand and now rubbing his forehead with the other in disgust, when Dumbledore points his wand at a giant stuffed teddy bear in the corner of the room. He starts to sit down on it.
SLUGHORN: *pops his head out of it* Dammit, Dumbledore! Must you always do that! *slowly turning back into a person*
DUMBY: Well, I've gotta admit, you made a pretty convincing… teddy bear, was it?
SLUGHORN: I knew I should've gone with the couch… But what gave it away?
DUMBY: Tomato juice. Anyway: Harry, Horace Slughorn. Horace… Well, you know who this is.
SLUGHORN: Harry Houdini?
HARRY: Uh, no… I'm Harry Potter.
SLUGHORN: Oh. Well, that's not half as exciting!
HARRY: I'm sorry.
DUMBY: So, what was with all the theatrics anyway? Expecting someone else?
SLUGHORN: Oh, yes. I figured since I appear in Harry's sixth year, the director would- *spots the director* Damn…
LIZA: Don't worry, she doesn't bite… usually.
EMILY: Yes, but I do sing!
DUMBY: Oh! Speaking of singing, we really ought to tidy the place up. Do you mind?
SLUGHORN: Of course not.
Dumbledore begins singing 'Whistle While You Work' from Snow White. A bunch of little woodland animals come in and start dusting, washing dishes, and putting things back in place. When they finish, he admits to them that he's gay and they all run away.
DUMBY: Well, it's simply the only way to get them to go away.
SLUGHORN: Uh, what are you here for, anyway?
DUMBY: Oh, never mind. I think I know a lost cause when I see one, even though it would've been great to have to back with us at Hogwarts. You were one of a kind, Horace. And, hey, do you mind if I borrow this? *holds up a Playwitch* I'm missing this issue.
SLUGHORN: Oh, yes! Of course.
DUMBY: Alright. Goodbye, Horace.
Dumbledore and Harry begin to leave.
LIZA: Aren't you going to take the job?
SLUGHORN: No, I said I wouldn't. I don't go back on my word.
EMILY: *smacks Slughorn*
SLUGHORN: Alright, alright! *calls out* Wait! Okay, I'll do it! But I want a raise. And a better office. And a latte. And-
AUDIENCE: Shut up.
EMILY: You know, I think I'm starting to like you guys.
AUDIENCE: Good. We don't like you.
EMILY: You know what? Fine, then. I'll just cut out the rest of this scene because of that.
AUDIENCE: What?
Harry finds himself outside of the Burrow.
HARRY: *stares at Ginny taking a shower in the window*
EMILY: Peeping Tom…
When Ginny finishes her shower, she gets dressed and goes downstairs to see Hedwig and Harry's luggage.
HARRY: *knocks on the door*
GINNY: *opens door*
HARRY: Hey, I-
GINNY: *slams door* Mom, Harry's here!
MOLLY: *from the other room* Are you sure?
GINNY: I think so. Let me check. *opens door again*
HARRY: *laughs* What, are you gonna slam the-
GINNY: *slams door* Yes! His stuff is already inside, and he's waiting by the door. What should I do?
MOLLY: Well, let him in of course!
HARRY: *knocks again*
GINNY: But, shouldn't we warn the others first?
MOLLY: You're quite right, dear. They should know Harry's here.
RON: *pops his head over from the staircase* Harry's here?
HERMIONE: *leans over as well* Did someone say Harry?
RON: Oh, I did! How did you know?
AUDIENCE: What, does Hermione actually live with the Weasleys now?
HARRY: *still knocking*
GINNY: Yes, come downstairs! He's waiting outside.
MOLLY: Well, goodness, Ginny! Don't leave him outside!
GINNY: Oh, right. Sorry.
By now Harry has gotten quite pissed off, so he walks to the other side of the house and climbs through an open window.
EVERYONE: *staring through the doorway*
MOLLY: Where did he go?
HARRY: *standing behind them* Here I am!
EVERYONE: *turn around* Harry!
Ginny hugs Harry, which looks awkward for some reason, and then Hermione, which somehow looks perfectly normal in comparison. Ron's about to hug Harry, when he stops, but then Harry ends up hugging him anyway. Then it's Molly's turn.
HARRY: Wow. Who knew so many people loved me?
In someone's room, probably Ron's
LIZA: Is that a paper floating in the middle of the table?
EMILY: It's on fire.
LIZA: How odd.
EMILY: It is, isn't it?
RON: Well, Mom kind of lost it a few days ago. She hadn't had her morning coffee, and was going on about how we shouldn't go back to Hogwarts. Of course she came around after a foot massage and a four-hour nap, but still.
HERMIONE: Yeah. My parents are muggles, and even they know something's up.
HARRY: But, this is Hogwarts we're talking about. Dumbledore!
RON: Rumors have been going around that Dumbledore's getting a bit… old.
HARRY: Who, Dumbledore? Old? No, he's only… what? A hundred and fifty, give or take a few years?
Towards the end of The Little Mermaid, the Death Eaters are gathered around Voldemort with bowls of popcorn.
VOLDEMORT: Nooo! Ariel! Eric, save her!
DEATH EATERS: *watching excitedly*
LUCIUS: Who bets Ursula is going to kill her?
VOLDEMORT: Lucius Malfoy, don't say such terrible things! You can't kill the star of the film!
FENRIR: Yes you can. Marley and Me, Old Yeller, Romeo and Julie-
VOLDEMORT: Shut up!
FENRIR: Well, it's true.
BELLATRIX: Shh, don't spoil the movie!
NARCISSA: Severus, do you mind if I have a word with you in the other room?
SNAPE: Of course.
Snape and Narcissa exit the room.
LUCIUS: Hey, Bellatrix? Do you mind keeping an eye on your sister? I don't want that sexy potions master doing anything naughty with my wife.
BELLATRIX: Of course, but what do I get in return? I'll miss the last twenty minutes of the movie.
LUCIUS: My bed, 10:00. Don't be late.
WORMTAIL: Excuse me! The Dark Lord politely asks you two to shut up, because this is his second favorite scene.
FENRIR: Second?
WORMTAIL: Yes. He likes when they all start singing 'Under the Sea' slightly more.
In the other room
BELLATRIX: *walks in*
NARCISSA: Bellatrix, do you mind?
SNAPE: It's perfectly understandable. She doesn't trust me.
BELLATRIX: Uh… you're absolutely right about that! Having worked at that school for so long.
SNAPE: Which I'd have to say is mere talent. After all, did I not deceive one of the greatest wizards of all time?
NARCISSA: But you know of my situation.
SNAPE: Yes.
NARCISSA: Severus, he's just a boy!
SNAPE: And so is Harry, but apparently you have no hesitation as to killing him.
BELLATRIX: That's different.
NARCISSA: Severus, promise me you'll help him!
SNAPE: Of course.
BELLATRIX: But those just empty words! And in Draco's time of need, you'll merely… slip away. Make it count. Make the Unbreakable Bow.
AUDIENCE: You mean 'vow', right?
EMILY: No, I mean 'bow'.
LIZA: She's joking. She doesn't mean it… right?
EMILY: I mean every word I ever say ever. Because I own. Harry. Potter! *thunder sounds* Sort of…
AUDIENCE AND LIZA: Of course you do…
SNAPE: Alright.
Snape and Narcissa bow to each other, and then shake hands as a golden string thingy forms up their arms.
BELLATRIX: Severus Snape, do you promise to look after Draco?
SNAPE: I do.
BELLATRIX: And do you promise that, if he fails to complete the task the Dark Lord has chosen for him, that you will complete it in his place?
SNAPE: *pause* I do.
BELLATRIX: And lastly, do you promise, that at death do you part?
SNAPE: Dammit, we're not getting married or anything!
NARCISSA: Oh, but we really should! That would be just the thing to tick Lucius off, and I find he does his best work when he's frustrated.
SNAPE: Too much… information…
At Fred and George's shop
FRED: Here, Harry!
GEORGE: Have this random shiny black rock!
FRED: It's good when you need to make a quick getaway.
HARRY: Oh, thanks.
Emily, Liza, Hermione, and Ginny (or 'the girls') are fooling around with love potions as the twins walk by.
EMILY: Oh, hey! How much for your brother?
FRED AND GEORGE: Ten galleons.
RON: Hey, I'm not for sale!
EMILY: Ten? That much for him?
GEORGE: You're right.
FRED: Five galleons.
RON: Excuse me!
EMILY: Alright, you make a fair trade. I'll take it.
RON: Harry… can you believe they're actually doing this?
HARRY: It appears she's starting a collection.
FRED AND GEORGE: Right this way, director.
The twins and Emily head towards the check-out counter to fill out some legal documents as Ron stares in horror.
Walking down the street
EMILY: *to Liza* So, I was thinking I'd get them each a collar and leash, if I can find an open pet store around here, which I really doubt, as half the street has been closed down anyway.
LIZA: Well, have fun with that.
Then they see Ollivander's, which has been ransacked, and start to walk inside.
HERMIONE: Oh no!
HARRY: Everyone got their wand from Ollivander's.
RON: Don't look now, but I see something blonde and greasy walking by…
The trio follows Draco to a slightly darker part of town, where they see him enter a house.
HARRY: Well, that wasn't suspicious and foreshadowing at all.
On the Hogwarts Express, Luna is passing out copies of The Quibbler, and Ginny has an odd sort of purplish-pink fuzz ball animal thing on her shoulder.
LIZA: It's adorable! I want it.
GINNY: It's mine.
LIZA: Emily!
EMILY: Just… give it to her.
LIZA: *sticks out tongue and takes the fuzz ball* Yay! I shall call him Squishy and he will be my Squishy. And you will be jealous.
EMILY: Nah, I'm good. As of now, I've got these two. *sits in between Harry and Ron*
HARRY AND RON: Life sucks.
HERMIONE: Oh, you'll get over it, Ron. Harry did.
RON: Oh, you're one to talk! Have you ever been owned by someone before?
AUDIENCE: You are quite the disturbing child…
EMILY: Why, thank you!
HARRY: *changing the subject* So, what do you think Malfoy was doing the other day? I mean, there were tons of people, and it looked like some type of ceremony.
HERMIONE: Goodness, Harry! Don't say that.
RON: What?
HERMIONE: Harry's under the impression that Draco Malfoy is now a Death Eater.
RON: But why would Voldemort want him?
HARRY: Because he's evil?
RON: Oh yeah.
HERMIONE: That's ridiculous, Harry! Malfoy isn't a Death Eater.
HARRY: Hermione, we're only sixteen; quit defending him.
HERMIONE: Harry, I know you hate Malfoy. We all do. But that's no excuse to accuse him as to do something like-
HARRY: Yes, it is! It all makes sense. Besides, his father is a Death Eater, why shouldn't he become one?
HERMIONE: Harry! What did he ever do-
HARRY: Are you really going to ask that? You know perfectly well what he's done to me, and it's something that even made Voldemort cringe.
RON: I think he's right. Malfoy's both sexy and evil enough to become a Death Eater, so I don't see why not.
HERMIONE: I hope you're not agreeing with him, Ronald!
HARRY: That's it. I need some fresh air.
Harry gets up and grabs his invisibility lingerie, making his way to the far back of the train. He drops the random shiny black rock and that entire section of the train fills with smoke, when he slips into his lingerie and desperately tries to hide in the luggage area above Draco and his friends without getting caught. Little did Harry realize at the time, he was to get no useful information out of them because instead they would talk about the latest season of Gossip Girl the whole train ride. Eventually the train comes to a stop halfway to Hogwarts.
RON: Not the dementors again!
HERMIONE: No, I don't think it's that… Who's outside?
They look out the window to see a girl attempting to hitchhike onto the train.
LIZA: Can it be?
EMILY: Rachel?
AUDIENCE: What's this? Another non-cannon character?
Liza and Emily let Rachel on with a big group hug, then help her into their box area…
AUDIENCE: Great… just what we needed.
RON: Hm. Are we trying to find out how many people we can fit into one of these rooms?
LIZA: Guys, this is-
RACHEL: I'm Rachel!
EMILY: …What she said.
LIZA: This is Emily's pet Ron.
RON: I'm not her pet!
LIZA: And that's Hermione. Oh, and this is Squishy! *holds up Squishy*
RACHEL: Aw, I want one!
EMILY: I'll keep an eye out.
GINNY: *whimpers from another room* That used to be my Squishy…
LIZA: This is great! We've got the trio back together again.
RON: The trio?
EMILY: Yeah. You see, in Harry Potter you'll find multiple trios: The Trio (Harry, Ron, and Hermione), The Anti-Trio (Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle), and several others. Now I'm introducing the Staff Trio, with me, Liza, and Rachel!
RACHEL: Wait, I'm a staff member already?
EMILY: Sure. You can be, uh… My DAA! Director's Assistant's Assistant!
LIZA: Yay, you work for me!
RACHEL: But I don't want to work for Liza!
EMILY: You don't, really. It's just a title.
RACHEL: Oh. Hey, can I pet Ron?
EMILY: Sure! He doesn't usually bite.
RON: *backing into the corner* Don't touch me!
AUDIENCE: We knew it… we're trapped in a parody with a bunch of crazy people.
LIZA: Oh, quit complaining. We all love each other here.
Right? I love you, Rachel.
RACHEL: I love you, Emily.
EMILY: I love you… Ron.
RON: Meep!
HERMIONE: Hey, does anyone know what's taking Harry so long?
Eventually the train reaches Hogwarts, and people start to worry about Harry not coming off the train, then decide that since he's the Chosen One he's probably fine.
Back on the train
DRACO: You guys go ahead. I want to check something.
DRACO'S FRIENDS: Okay. *leave*
Draco pulls Harry down from his hiding place.
DRACO: What is it, Potter? Couldn't wait for another go?
HARRY: Ewe, no!
DRACO: Oh. Well, it's a pity to waste this opportunity since you're already here…
HARRY: Malfoy! Please don't!
LUNA: *comes in wearing awesome glasses* Draco? Harry? What's going on?
DRACO: Oh, Potter and I were just, uh… Well, we were about to… you know…
HARRY: Nothing! We were doing nothing. Let's go.
Luna and Harry go outside to see they've missed the carriage.
LUNA: So, what was happening back there, anyway?
HARRY: Let's just say Malfoy was getting a little desperate.
LUNA: I see. Yeah, I heard about your third year.
HARRY: I'd rather… not talk about it.
FLITWICK: Oh, there you two are! Names?
HARRY: Professor… you've known me for five years.
FLITWICK: That's no exception, Potter.
SECURITY: We'll take your stuff, Mr. Malfoy.
DRACO: Alright, here. *hands over his luggage and a cane thing like his father's*
SECURITY: What is this, a walking stick?
DRACO: It's a cane.
SECURITY: Oh, sure. And what does a boy your age use it for, masterb-
DRACO: No! Well, maybe… But only on the weekends!
AUDIENCE: We're going to pretend we didn't hear that.
In the Great Hall
LIZA: So, why were you on the side of the road, halfway to Hogwarts, again?
RACHEL: Oh, that… Well, let's just say there was an accident involving a motorcycle and several pieces of chewing gun.
EMILY: Fascinating.
RON: *attempting to break the world's record of the most Jello-O one can fit in their mouth at a time*
HERMIONE: *continuously smacking Ron with a book* Will you quit eating!
RON: What? I'm hungry.
HERMIONE: But your best friend is missing!
EMILY: No, I'm still here.
RACHEL: She meant Harry…
LIZA: No, obviously I'm Ron's best friend.
EMILY: You are not! Besides, I own him.
LIZA: Maybe so, but just because you own someone doesn't mean they have to like you.
EMILY: Ron likes me! He does, doesn't he?
RACHEL: Maybe he'd like both of you better if you'd let him off that leash you've got there?
EMILY AND LIZA: No way!
RON: Welcome to my life…
GINNY: Well, it's good that they're giving Harry a break, isn't it?
HERMIONE: Speaking of Harry, he's still missing!
AUDIENCE: Does this mean the movie should now be called 'Ron Weasley and the Half-Blood Prince'?
EMILY: No, that doesn't sound half as exciting… besides, here he comes now.
Harry and Luna make their way over to the others.
HARRY: Sorry, I got… held up.
DUMBY: Well, now that our protagonist is here, I see it fit for us to finally begin our announcements. Please welcome our newest potions teacher, Horace Slughorn! Meanwhile, Severus Snape is going to be taking over the DADA position, since we won't need him to next year.
STUDENTS: *clapping*
DUMBY: Now, as you're all aware, you were searched before you entered the castle tonight, and I'll tell you why: because we can. Oh yeah, and also there was this student completely like yourselves who somehow went evil, but that's beside the point. His name? Tom Riddle. But now, he goes throughout the world with another name.
STUDENTS: *silence*
DUMBY: So, how was that for foreshadowing? Anyway, off to bed!
Emily jumps up immediately, pulling on Ron's leash.
EMILY: Come on, Ronnie! You heard the old gay man.
LIZA: Aww, I love you Squishy…
RACHEL: I wanna pet… *whimpers*
In the hallways sometime later, all the first years struggle to get to where they're supposed to be.
McGONAGALL: Uh, Sir… no, that's the girls' lavatory. That's Professor Snape's office; I advise you don't go there if you wish to live.
HARRY AND RON: *laughing*
McGONAGALL: Mr. Potter?
HARRY: This can't be good… *walks over* Yes?
McGONAGALL: You seem to be enjoying yourself.
HARRY: Yeah, I had a free period this morning.
McGONAGALL: So I see. Wouldn't you want to fill it with potions?
HARRY: No, Snape expelled me from the class last year. You see, we got into a little argument…
McGONAGALL: Too bad. Oh, and take Weasley with you… he looks far too happy over there.
RON: What? But I was hiding out from the director!
EMILY: Oh, don't worry: you can never get away from me!
RON: Gah!
AUDIENCE: No kidding…
On the way to potions' class
EMILY, LIZA, AND RACHEL: *arms linked, skipping, and singing to the tune of 'We're Off to See the Wizard'* We're off to go to go to potions, which is basically home economics! We'll cut up things and blow stuff up, and maybe even make someone throw up. We're off to go to potions; we hope we don't get kicked out!
AUDIENCE: We hope you guys do. Just… putting that out there.
STAFF TRIO: *repeating their song*
HARRY: You know, Ron… maybe we could…
RON: Well, I suppose it IS kind of catchy.
HARRY AND RON: *join in*
EVERYONE: *singing*
Snape walks by, hearing the foul sounds of joyfulness, and drops to his knees in pain.
In potions
SLUGHORN: Ah, Harry! I was beginning to worry.
HARRY: That's because you're a self-centered git. But anyway, a brought a friend! Er… lots of friends.
SLUGHORN: So I can see. Anyway, class, take out your books-
RON: My former rat ate my book.
HARRY: Uh, Sir… we didn't get ours. *whispers to Ron* Way to waste a perfectly good excuse, Ron!
RON: Sorry!
SLUGHORN: No matter, just get a new one from the cupboard.
The crowd looks towards the cupboard, which has the door opened, to see there are only two books. One is in perfect condition, while the other looks like someone let the Staff Trio loose on it. Anyway, so everyone… and I mean everyone (even the Staff Trio, who don't even need a textbook), races to get the one in good condition, causing unbelievable chaos and destruction. In the end, Ron ends up getting the good one – Harry gets the other.
SLUGHORN: I've brewed up some concoctions this morning. Can anyone tell me what they are?
HERMIONE: *raises hand*
SLUGHORN: Yes?
HERMIONE: *walks up* Well, this one's chocolate fudge. This one is… I want to say roasted tomato basil soup?
SLUGHORN: Correct! And the last?
HERMIONE: Oh, that's a love potion. It's made to smell like what attracts a person. For example, I smell Ro-
RON: *looks up*
HERMIONE: I mean, uh, toothpaste. And grass.
HARRY: Ewe.
SLUGHORN: Uh, yes. That's why it's probably one of the most deadly potions. Oh yes, and this one. *holds out a small glass bottle containing a gold potion* It's quite a curious potion, actually. It's called Felix Felicis.
RON: Does that mean 'Felix the Cat' in another language?
SLUGHORN: It's more commonly known as 'Liquid Luck'.
RON: That was my second guess.
SLUGHORN: And whoever can brew the best Draught of Living Death gets it! Okay, start!
The students set to work on making the potion. Harry opens his book to see 'This book is the property of the Half-Blood Prince' written in lavender ink.
HARRY: Woah, just like the title of the book!
He vaguely tries to think of how the handwriting and ink choice looks familiar, then dismisses the thought. Harry sees his book has writing and edits all over it. While the book says to cut up one Sopophorus bean, Harry's copy has 'cut up' replaced with 'chew up', followed by 'you may want to wash it by that point'. So, Harry chews it up. Deciding he's too lazy to go and find a sink, and realizing it tastes terrible, he just spits it into the cauldron.
HERMIONE: Harry, what are you doing?
HARRY: Oh, I just chewed up the bean and put it in.
HERMIONE: That's disgusting! Besides, the instructions say to cut it.
HARRY: And how's that working out for you?
HERMIONE: Well, it's, uh… coming along.
HARRY: Exactly.
EMILY: Look how red Hermione's getting!
LIZA: Oh, yes. *ducks as a bean goes flying across the room* Life is good.
RACHEL: I still wanna pet…
EMILY: Oh, hush! You know, if we could find you something like Pidwigeon…
RACHEL: Pig-whatsit?
EMILY: Ron's owl.
LIZA: Ron has an owl?
RON: I do?
AUDIENCE: Yes. It was unfortunately cut out of the movie adaptation.
EMILY: Such a shame… He was so small and cute. *gasp* Wait a minute, I'm the director! I have every right in the world to bring him back!
AUDIENCE: Way to go on figuring that out.
Suddenly a tiny owl pops up on Ron's shoulder.
RON: Yay, I have an owl!
RACHEL: Can I have it?
RON: No!
EMILY: Of course, Rachel.
RACHEL: Yay! *grabs Pidwigeon*
RON: Aw, I just lost my owl!
Anyway, moving right along… Harry continues to follow his book's edited instructions, as the rest of the class fails horribly.
SLUGHORN: My goodness, it's perfect!
HARRY: Now, if this is perfect, why are the books printed wrong?
SLUGHORN: Excuse me?
HARRY: Uh, nothing.
SLUGHORN: Well, as promised, one bottle of Felix Felicis. Use it well.
Slughorn hands Harry the potion as the class claps for him, looking distraught and obviously jealous.
In Dumbledore's office
Dumbledore shoves Tom's diary and a ring into a drawer and shuts it as Harry enters.
DUMBY: Ah, Harry! You got my message.
HARRY: Yes, I did. It came into my room and yelled at me.
DUMBY: Sorry about that… I got carried away. So, how are your classes?
HARRY: You summoned me to ask me about my classes?
DUMBY: *sigh* Work with me, Harry.
HARRY: They're fine.
DUMBY: I hear Slughorn was impressed with you?
HARRY: I think he overestimated my abilities.
DUMBY: Do you?
HARRY: Psh, no! I'm Harry Potter, dammit!
DUMBY: Uh, quite right… Yes, I suppose you are. I couldn't help but notice you had quite the crowd with you today.
HARRY: Oh, yeah. The director's got some new friends.
DUMBY: I see. And how about you and Miss Granger? Are you-
HARRY: No! No, no… I mean, she's brilliant, but… no.
DUMBY: Ah. I was merely curious. Anyway, you must be wondering why I called you here?
HARRY: I thought you said to ask me about my classes?
DUMBY: Um, no.
Dumbledore shows Harry to a cabinet of tiny glass cases.
DUMBY: What you're looking at are memories.
HARRY: I thought you could just use the Pensieve for that?
DUMBY: Too bad. These memories over here are about Voldemort, or as he was known then, Tom Riddle.
HARRY: Just asking, why didn't anybody tell me during my second year? I could've been so helpful then…
DUMBY: Don't be ridiculous, Harry. No one tells you anything.
HARRY: No kidding! Year one: 'I'm a wizard?' Year two: 'Tom Riddle is Voldemort?' Year three: 'Sirius Black is my godfather?' Year four: 'Snape was a Death Eater?' Year five: 'The 'secret weapon' was the prophecy?' What next?
DUMBY: I know Draco Malfoy's plan already.
HARRY: Say what now?
DUMBY: Never mind. Anyway, back to Voldemort's memories! Like how I labeled them?
HARRY: Er, yes. They're very… colorful.
DUMBY: Thank you! Here, take a look at this one. *pulls out a memory and hands it to Harry* It's the day I first met Tom.
HARRY: Shame on you, Dumbledore. Don't you know evil people are named Tom? Have you not seen Tom and Jerry?
DUMBY: Just… take a look at it.
Harry pours the memory into some bowl thing, when Emily, Liza, and Rachel jump up and dunk his head into it.
AUDIENCE: Very mature. And, so what's the deal with these memories? Do you run out of them when the glass thing's empty?
EMILY: I haven't the faintest idea, but that doesn't really bother me. So shut up.
In the memory, still-old Dumbledore visits Tom at age eleven at the orphanage.
LIZA: Aw, he was so cute then!
EMILY: What the heck happened to him?
RACHEL: He turned evil. Evil people are always ugly.
EMILY: Rachel! How could you say such a thing? After all the sexy evil wizards! Like Lucius, teenage Tom, Draco… I'm very, very ashamed of you.
RACHEL: Well… you keep telling yourself that.
EMILY: Good. I'll continue to do so.
TOM: You're the doctor, aren't you?
DUMBY: I wish! I'd fail medical school in a heartbeat. I'm a teacher.
TOM: I don't believe that. You're too old to still be teaching. Besides, they want me looked at.
DUMBY: Tom, you're not mad. There's a very slight possibility that you may grow up to be, but let's not worry about that. Hogwarts isn't a school for mad people; it's a school of magic. You can do things, Tom, can't you?
TOM: I can burn water. I can cross-dress and still look amazingly sexy.
DUMBY: I'm like you, Tom. I'm like a very old, gay… you. I'm different.
TOM: Prove it.
Tom's wardrobe burns to the ground.
DUMBY: I, uh… I meant to do that.
AUDIENCE: Oh, just leave him there! That'll solve everything.
STAFF: Killjoy.
Dumbledore gets up to leave then.
TOM: Oh yeah, and I also happen to have this giant pet snake I can set on people. Is that normal?
DUMBY: Oh, yes! That's perfectly fine.
AUDIENCE: *jaws drop in disbelief*
Harry is sucked out of the memory.
HARRY: I don't believe it.
DUMBY: Well, Harry, what you have to understand about that last remark… uh, I know there's some way I can explain, er… Hogwarts advertising?
HARRY: That's alright; I forgive you. But, did you know, Sir?
DUMBY: That I had just met the formerly-sexiest dark wizard of all time? No. You know, Harry, when Tom went here, he grew attached to one teacher in particular.
HARRY: You didn't hire Slughorn simply to teach potions, did you?
DUMBY: No. The deal is, I need the rest of a particular memory, but Horace keeps being an ass about it. For now, I just want you two to… you know, get to know each other. Get close – but, not too close. That's my job.
HARRY: Not… going… to… ask…
Since the last year, we see that the Room of Requirement has been used to store everyone's junk. Draco enters suspiciously and discovers the Vanishing Cabinet.
Some later date at the Quidditch pitch
HARRY: Alright, um… Just because you got onto the team last year doesn't guarantee you a spot this year.
AUDIENCE: There was Quidditch last year?
LIZA: Not that I recall.
EMILY: Haha, R.I.P. Quidditch, year five!
RACHEL: Pigwigon wants to try out for the team!
EMILY: It's Pidwigeon.
RACHEL: Same thing.
EMILY: No, not really… Anyway, let's just start the long and uninteresting Quidditch practice scene already.
Okay, long and uninteresting Quidditch practice scene…
In the Gryffindor Common Room
RON: Bloody hell, I was brilliant!
LIZA: Keep telling yourself that, Ron.
HARRY: *flipping through his textbook* Hey, have you ever heard of this spell, Hermione? Sectumsempra?
HERMIONE: No, and if you had a shred of dignity, you'd turn that in!
RON: Are you kidding? Slughorn thinks he's a genius.
HERMIONE: Whose was it, anyway?
HARRY: *sits on the book* Nobody's.
HERMIONE: Harry, let me see! *grabs at it*
HARRY: *jumps up and tries to hold it out of reach* No, the binding is fragile!
HERMIONE: Fragile?
HARRY: Yes! If you look at it it might blow up.
HERMIONE: Rubbish!
GINNY: *pulls the book away from Harry* It says 'Property of the Half-Blood Prince'. Who's the Half-Blood Prince?
RACHEL: Oh, we can tell you-
LIZA AND EMILY: *elbow Rachel*
Someday, the trio is going to The Three Broomsticks and it's snowing.
ST: *throwing snowballs, giggling, singing carols, building snowmen, making snow angels and whatnot*
HERMIONE: Honestly, Harry, you've been carrying around that book for months and won't even bother to find out who the Half-Blood Prince is.
HARRY: I said I'll get around to it.
RON: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you were sleeping with it.
HARRY: I'm not!
ST: Sure…
FLITWICK: Oh dear, emergency choir practice!
EMILY: Hm. For what reason could you possibly need an emergency choir practice?
RACHEL: Maybe someone just got a solo?
EMILY: Still… emergency?
LIZA: Hey, isn't your sister in choir? Maybe she got into some trouble.
EMILY: *shrugs* Probably. Good for her.
At The Three Broomsticks
Everyone sits themselves down at a table and orders a round of butterbeers.
RACHEL: What's this?
HARRY: Butterbeer.
LIZA: Does it have alcohol?
HARRY: Just a little bit, but not enough to get you drunk.
EMILY: Woohoo! *chugs down her butterbeer*
Five minutes later, Emily, Liza, and Rachel have all finished their butterbeers and are quite frankly very hyper.
RON: *spots Ginny making out with Dean across the room*
HARRY AND RON: …
HERMIONE: Oh, relax, Ron! Do you think she'd freak out if she saw us snogging?
ST: Yay snogging!
RON: Want to find out?
ST: Do it! Do it!
SLUGHORN: *walks over* Oh, Harry! How are you?
ST: *point at Hermione and Ron* Rejection!
HARRY: Great, you?
SLUGHORN: Wonderful! Hey, Harry, I'm going to have a dinner party for a few select students. Care to come? You too, Granger.
HARRY: Of course!
HERMIONE: Delighted.
ST: What about us? Huh? Huh?
SLUGHORN: Why, certainly.
ST: Yay us! Yay us!
RON: *eh-hem*
SLUGHORN: Oh, hello, Weasley.
RON: !
ST: Rejection! Rejection!
HARRY: Alright, too much butterbeer for you guys…
RACHEL: Never!
LIZA: No! You cannot do this to us!
EMILY: A delightful idea. More butterbeer!
RACHEL AND LIZA: More butterbeer!
HERMIONE: Oh no… we should get them out of here before they order more.
HARRY AND RON: Agreed.
ST: Nooo!
AUDIENCE: About time…
Harry, Ron, and Hermione each drag Emily, Liza, and Rachel outside and begin to head back to Hogwarts.
ST: *singing drunkenly*
RON: The sooner we get to the castle, the better…
KATIE: Ooh, let's touch this pretty necklace. WTF?
Katie is thrown into the air screaming, then passes out.
HAGRID: Back away!
HARRY: Hagrid, what happened?
EMILY: Ooh, shiny necklace…
HAGRID: *picking up Katie* Don't touch that! Only the wrappings.
HARRY: *pulling Emily back* You know, maybe we shouldn't let any of them even go near it.
HERMIONE: Good idea.
EMILY: Say whuuu? Why nots?
HAGRID: *turns around* What are you guys doing?
HARRY: The directors… discovered butterbeer.
LIZA AND EMILY: Teeheehee… yummy butter nom nom.
HAGRID: I see. I don't know why muggles have problems with that stuff…
LIZA: Heehee, you has brown dots on you!
RON: *struggling to hold Liza in place* Quit poking at my face! You're lucky Rachel's staying still for you, Hermione.
HERMIONE: Not really. She passed out… and I think she's drooling on my sweater.
Back at Hogwarts, the trio tucks Emily, Liza, and Rachel into bed in Harry and Ron's room and then goes to figure out what the deal with the necklace was.
McGONAGALL: Are you sure Katie didn't have this when you entered The Three Broomsticks?
LEANNE: Yes. She just came out with it, and said its delivery was important. She said it was for Dumbledore.
McGONAGALL: I see. You may go now, Leanne. And now… Why is it, when something happens, it's always you three?
AUDIENCE: Because that's protagonists for you.
RON: Believe me, I've been asking myself that for six years now.
SNAPE: *inspects necklace* I'd say Katie is lucky to be alive.
HARRY: She was cursed, wasn't she? I know Katie from the Quidditch team, and she wouldn't hurt a fly. She must've been doing it unknowingly.
McGONAGALL: Yes… she was cursed.
HARRY: It was Malfoy.
McGONGALL: That is a very serious accusation.
SNAPE: And do you have any proof?
HARRY: I just know. I'm the Chosen One; I know everything.
SNAPE: You just… know.
HARRY: Well, I tend to blame you for things like this as well, but seeing as you're here…
SNAPE: Arg, five hundred points from Gryffindor!
RON: It's a wonder we ever win the House Cup…
McGONAGALL: I suggest you three go back into your dormitories. We don't want anything else happening.
TRIO: *look at each other* The directors!
They run up to the Gryffindor Common Room… and they lose Hermione somewhere along the way.
HARRY: Oh, good. They're still asleep.
RON: Well, they should be back and annoying as ever tomorrow morning.
HARRY: Tomorrow morning?
RON: Crap…
And we all know what that means!
AUDIENCE: We're free?
RON: No. They're in our beds.
HARRY: That means we have to sleep on the floor without sleeping bags or anything.
RON: Well, you should be used to that.
HARRY: Shut up!
As it gets dark, Harry and Ron lie next to each other on the floor in their pajamas.
RON: It's cold.
HARRY: Neville's gonna be pissed.
RON: Why can't we come back later, again?
HARRY: Because, the directors might wake up and blow something up if we don't keep an eye on them.
RON: Oh… right.
BOTH: *awkward pause*
RON: So, what does she see in him? Ginny.
HARRY: I don't know. What does he see in her? Dean.
RON: I don't know.
HARRY: You don't know? Well, she's smart, pretty, attractive… pretty.
RON: You said pretty twice.
HARRY: So I did. Don't you think she's pretty?
RON: I don't know, she's my sister!
HARRY: And she has nice boobs.
RON: What?
HARRY: I'm just saying.
RON: So you think Dean's dating her because of her boobs?
HARRY: No. Well, I'm just saying it could be a contributing factor.
RON: …Right. Remind me never to have a conversation with you when we're both bored, cold, and know we're going to have stiff backs in the morning.
HARRY: What? You don't think Ginny has nice boobs?
RON: No, I just… Hermione has nice boobs.
HARRY: Yeah. I guess.
RON: You guess?
HARRY: Well… I just never really thought about it before.
The next morning, Harry and Ron wake up in pain and exhausted, both late to their first classes, while the directors wake up perfectly fine.
At Slughorn's party
ST: *eating ice cream like no tomorrow*
SLUGHORN: So, let's go around the table and say one great thing that happened to us today, starting with… you. Director. *turns to Emily, sitting to his right*
EMILY: Ice cream!
LIZA: More ice cream!
RACHEL: Chocolate syrup on ice cream!
SLUGHORN: …Okay. Uh, Blaise?
BLAISE: I looked at Hermione's boobs today and she didn't slap me.
HERMIONE: That's because you're across the table. I would've.
HARRY: *takes a peek*
HERMIONE: Harry!
HARRY: Sorry!
SLUGHORN: Wonderful… Uh, Ginny?
GINNY: Dean and I made up. Again.
Nah, let's not finish this scene. Or the one right after it.
AUDIENCE: What? Why?
EMILY: Hmph. You enjoyed not having me here, didn't you?
AUDIENCE: Yes, we did, in fact. For all of two scenes.
EMILY: Exactly. Aren't I generous?
In the Great Hall
RON: How was it?
HARRY: How was what?
RON: Slughorn's party.
HERMIONE: Oh, pretty bo-
LIZA: They had ice cream!
EMILY: Chocolate and vanilla ice cream!
RACHEL: With chocolate syrup!
EMILY: Pity there weren't any sprinkles…
LIZA: Or Oreos…
RACHEL: But there was chocolate syrup!
EMILY AND LIZA: And ice cream!
RON: I hate my life.
HARRY: Well, there's going to be a Christmas party as well, and we can bring a friend.
HERMIONE: I was going to bring you.
LAVENDER: You'll do great today, Ron! *skips away*
RON: Ugh. After today's match, I'm resigning.
LUNA: *wearing a giant lion costume* Ron, you look awful! Is that why Harry put something in your drink?
HARRY: *hides bottle* I was not giving him wizard steroids… *looks in the other direction*
HERMIONE: Harry! Is that Liquid Luck? Don't drink it, Ron!
RON: *drinks excitedly*
HERMIONE: Ron! Harry, you both can be expelled for that!
HARRY: I don't know what you're talking about.
RON: C'mon, Harry! We've got a game to win!
EMILY: Just in time; the cheerleaders are ready!
RACHEL AND LIZA: *waving around pom-poms that seem to have appeared out of nowhere* Yay!
During the game, Ron is awesome. The 'cheerleaders' dance around like they're on a sugar high (which they may as well be).
In the Gryffindor Common Room
GRYFFINDORS: *chanting* Weasley! Weasley! Weasley!
HERMIONE: You shouldn't have done it.
HARRY: *holds up the still-full bottle*
HERMIONE: You didn't? Then Ron only thought that you did?
HARRY: Well, I did put several packets of sugar in, but that was partly one of the director's friend's fault. And I don't think that changed much.
Lavender kisses Ron, which sends Hermione darting out of the room. Harry follows to find her crying at the bottom of the stairs.
HARRY: *sits down next to Hermione* I'm sorry.
ST: *crowd around the stairs as well*
HARRY: Now I'm really sorry.
HERMIONE: How does it feel? To see Dean with Ginny? I know, Harry. I've seen the way you look at her.
EMILY: *whispers to Liza and Rachel* Wow, Harry Potter is slowly becoming a chick flick…
AUDIENCE: No kidding.
Ron runs in with Lavender.
LAVENDER: Whoops! I think this room's taken! *skips away*
RON: What's with the birds?
Hermione sends her evil man-eating bird minions after Ron, who runs away in terror.
LIZA: Hermione's having 'guy issues'.
EMILY: Ron needs to rethink his love life.
RACHEL: I want more butterbeer!
AUDIENCE: Oh, no you don't!
HARRY: …That's how it feels.
In the library
HERMIONE: You know what? Ron can kiss whoever he likes, I don't care!
HARRY: Really?
HERMIONE: Really. But if he thinks I'm still taking him to the party…
HARRY: Hey, since we can't go with who we want to, why don't we just go as friends?
HERMIONE: Why didn't I think of that?
HARRY: Why? Who did you ask?
HERMIONE: It's, uh… a surprise. And don't look now, but that's Malfoy back there brewing a love potion for you.
HARRY: Ewe. Really? Well, I suppose I'd better hurry up and find someone to go with, then, before he gets any ideas.
Harry and Luna are walking to the party as Draco sulks in the background.
LUNA: I've never been to this part of the castle before. At least, not while awake. I sleepwalk, you see – that's why I go to bed with shoes on.
LIZA: She would be an interesting roommate, wouldn't she?
EMILY: No doubt.
As they pass, Draco gets up and heads back towards to Vanishing Cabinet. He places an apple in it, closes the door, and waits. When he opens it again, the apple's gone. A second check, and he sees the apple has turned into a pickle.
AUDIENCE: How did that happen?
EMILY: I have no idea, but… my pickle. *grabs pickle*
LIZA: No fair!
EMILY: It's totally fair! Was I not formerly the pickle queen?
RACHEL: Gimme! Gimme!
EMILY: No!
The directors evidently get stuck in a fifteen-minute laugh attack, to which Draco backs away from cautiously and rather disturbed.
At Slughorn's party
HARRY: Neville?
NEVILLE: *dressed as a waiter* I didn't get into the Slug Club. It's okay, though…
Harry goes to talk to Hermione when the director decides she's going to rush into the part with Malfoy.
FILCH: Lookie who I found sneaking around the castle!
DRACO: Alright, alright! I was trying to get into the party.
SNAPE: I'll take it from here.
EVERYONE: *awkward silence*
ST: *trying really hard not to start laughing again*
Snape leads Draco away.
SLUGHORN: Uh, that's alright. Carry on, everyone, carry on!
Harry follows Snape and Draco and listens in on their conversation.
SNAPE: What were you thinking?
DRACO: That's none of your business!
SNAPE: It is my business, I made the Unbreakable Vow!
LIZA: Wait, is it 'bow' or 'vow'?
EMILY: I don't even know anymore…
SNAPE: I swore to protect you.
DRACO: But what if I don't need protecting? I'm doing perfectly fine on my own!
SNAPE: As far as I'm concerned, you're not. You've been careless; you could've gotten caught!
DRACO: But I didn't! I was chosen to do this above everyone else, so why won't you let me?
SNAPE: Malfoy, I'm only trying to-
DRACO: I don't want your help! *storms away*
HARRY: Both of them? I should've known!
On the train home for the holidays
RON: Unbreakable Vow? Are you sure that's what he said?
HARRY: Well, it could've been bow. There was a bit of confusion amongst the directors, but I'm pretty certain that was it.
RON: Well, the thing is… you can't break an Unbreakable Vow.
HARRY: Thanks, but I worked that much out for myself, Ron.
Just then Lavender walks by, fogs the glass up on their door with her breath, writes 'Ron + Lavender = Many, many babies' surrounded by a heart (backwards, of course), and then walks away.
HARRY: Lovely. I just got a very disturbing image.
RON: All she wants to do is snog me all day! Look, my lips are getting chapped!
HARRY: *backs away* I'll take your word for it.
HERMIONE: *walks up, sees message, then walks away again*
HARRY: So, what happens if you break an Unbreakable Vow?
RON: Well… you die.
EMILY: Dun dun dun!
At the Burrow
LUPIN: Draco was chosen for a mission, you say?
HARRY: Yes, and Snape's trying to help him. Bingo – they were both evil the whole time!
LUPIN: But what if Snape was only pretending to figure out his plan?
HARRY: That's not what it sounded like.
LUPIN: It all comes down to Dumbledore's judgment. Dumbledore trusts Snape, therefore, so do I.
HARRY: But Dumbledore said so himself, he could be-
LUPIN: You're blinded by hatred!
HARRY: As I recall, you didn't exactly love him either!
EMILY: Yes, but I do!
RACHEL: So we've realized.
Ginny sits down next to Harry, and everyone else leaves.
GINNY: *holds out a tray of brownie-looking things to Harry*
HARRY: Uh…
GINNY: Don't you trust me? *shoves the dessert into Harry's mouth*
LIZA: Oh, we'll take some!
Emily, Liza, and Rachel grab as many brownie-things as they can hold.
RON: *comes in and squeezes into the smallest crevice between Harry and Ginny, holding out a tray of what might be cupcakes, maybe not*
HARRY: No thanks.
ST: *look at each other and then raid the cupcake-things*
GINNY: How much sugar can you guys stand?
RACHEL: *with her mouth full* I dunno.
In the kitchen? Maybe?
ARTHUR: We're being followed. Most days Molly doesn't even come out of the house.
HARRY: That's terrible. Did you get my owl?
ARTHUR: Oh, yes. And from what you said, I think the object Draco's interest in is a Vanishing Cabinet.
EMILY: It really makes you wonder why Harry never bothered to keep an eye on Draco with his Marauder's Map.
LIZA: Speaking of the Marauder's Map, before the third film, don't you think Fred and George would've realized Scabbers was really Peter?
RACHEL: Why, because there'd be a flag saying 'Peter Pettigrew' by Ron's bed every night?
EMILY: In their defense, they simply thought Ron was gay.
By the stairs
GINNY: Merry Christmas.
HARRY: Merry Christmas.
LIZA: What, they're saying 'merry' instead of 'happy' now?
RACHEL: Apparently.
AUDIENCE: Talk about 'make up your minds already'.
EMILY: *staring out the window* 3… 2… 1… Go!
Bellatrix comes shooting down and circles the Burrow, making a ring of fire around it. Harry and Ginny chase after her, but the fire stops anyone else from following.
RACHEL: Is Ginny wearing a pink bathrobe?
LIZA: It appears so.
EMILY: Hey, I have one like that! It's blue!
BELLATRIX: I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black! You're coming to get me, hahaha!
AUDIENCE: …She really does need a new catchphrase.
Harry chases Bellatrix until he loses her, and Ginny gets lost from Harry as well.
GINNY: Harry?
FENRIR: Boo.
HARRY: *runs in* Stupefy!
Fenrir blocks Harry's attack. Soon enough, Lupin, Tonks, and Arthur join them just in time for the Death Eaters to leave, burning down the Burrow.
AUDIENCE: Now, that didn't happen in the books!
Back at school
HERMIONE: Harry, what were you thinking?
HARRY: Oh, so this is somehow my fault?
HERMIONE: You're so easy to find!
HARRY: Well, I'm not exactly supposed to be in hiding, am I?
LAVENDER: Look what I made you! *puts a bead necklace around Ron* You'll always wear it, forever and ever, right?
RON: *grimaces* Of course… because I love you… so… very… much…
HERMIONE: If you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit.
EMILY: Have fun!
LIZA: Don't hurt yourself!
RACHEL: Look both ways!
EMILY: Don't talk to strangers!
LIZA: If in dou-
HARRY: Alright, that's enough out of you three.
In Dumbledore's office, Harry is shown another memory
TOM: Professor, I wanted to ask you something. I was in the library the other day, in the restricted section, when I came across a rather interesting piece of magic. It was called a *beeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
SLUGHORN: The hell? Tom, you are a very, very, very naughty boy! Out of my office, I don't ever want to see you again! Rawr!
Harry is pulled out of the memory.
DUMBY: Confused?
HARRY: A little… Did Tom say something inappropriate?
DUMBY: Goodness! I don't think so. This memory is so important, and if that were the case… Well, then it would be a bit of a disappointment, wouldn't it? You see, this memory is a lie. It's been tampered with.
HARRY: Snape and Malfoy did it!
DUMBY: What? No, it was Slughorn. He was probably ashamed of it, or disgusted, or something else entirely. I asked you to get to know him because I need him to reveal the real memory.
HARRY: But, Sir, I don't know him that-
DUMBY: You must get it – the fate of our world depends on it!
HARRY: How?
DUMBY: In any way possible; try everything. Sleep with him, if that does the trick!
HARRY: What?
DUMBY: Anyway, good luck with that!
In Slughorn's classroom
SLUGHORN: Ah, if it isn't the prince of potions himself!
EMILY: Actually, that would be Snape, but go on.
HARRY: Uh, Sir, I had a question.
SLUGHORN: Ask away!
LIZA: He's gonna blow it, isn't he?
HARRY: Well, I was in the library the other day, in the restricted section, when I came acro-
SLUGHORN: Dumbledore put you up to this, didn't he?
HARRY: Well, actua-
SLUGHORN: He did! He sent you to come pestering me for information! *storms away*
RACHEL: Yup, he blew it.
HARRY: How did he know so fast?
Harry stalks Slughorn all the way to his office
SLUGHORN: Yes? Damn, it's you again. Go away. *locks probably about four or five locks*
In the Gryffindor Common Room
Ron is staring out the window.
RON: It's so… pretty. The moon.
HARRY: Sure, I guess.
Harry spots an empty box of chocolates with a card on his bed and wrappers all over.
HARRY: Had ourselves a little midnight snack, did we?
RON: Oh! Sorry, Harry. I saw the box, and I couldn't help but eat a couple… or all of them… something like that.
HARRY: That's quite all right. *lies down on his bed*
RON: *cuddles up next to Harry* I can't stop thinking about our relationship…
HARRY: *uncomfortable* I thought she was starting to annoy you?
RON: 'She'? Harry, who are you talking about?
HARRY: Lavender Brown. Who are you talking about?
RON: Lavender? Harry, I'm talking about Draco, of course! Draco Malfoy.
HARRY: What?
RON: Harry, I think I'm in love with him!
HARRY: Alright, stop joking around, Ron.
RON: *chucks the box at Harry*
HARRY: Ow! What was that for?
RON: You think it's funny! I'm completely serious, you know.
HARRY: Alright, you're in love with him! God…
Ron gets up suddenly, then stares dreamily at the moon again. Harry, a little freaked out, picks up the card that came with the chocolates and realizes that is was the love potion Draco brewed.
Outside Slughorn's office
HARRY: Sir, I wouldn't bother you if it weren't absolutely essential.
RON: *spinning in circles*
SLUGHORN: What's wrong with the orange one?
HARRY: Love potion.
SLUGHORN: Oh.
Inside, Slughorn begins looking for an antidote when Ron hugs him suddenly. Harry shows him to the couch, where he hugs a pillow while sitting on the top, then falls down the back.
EMILY: You know, I think I like him better like this. Do we really have to fix him?
HARRY: Of course!
EMILY: Darn.
LIZA: Well, it is quite amusing…
RACHEL: *nodding*
SLUGHORN: Here we go!
They have Ron drink the potion.
RON: W-What happened?
HARRY: Love potion.
RON: I feel… depressed.
SLUGHORN: Oh, yes. You ought to have a pick-me-up now.
Slughorn pours a drink into three cups, hands one to Harry and Ron, and begins to say something when Ron takes a sip and falls over.
AUDIENCE: Ron's not having a very good night, is he?
RACHEL: No, not at all.
RON: *foaming at the mouth*
HARRY: Oh my God! Professor, you've poisoned him!
SLUGHORN: I did? Well, that's not good. *staring in shock*
HARRY: Professor, we've got to do something!
SLUGHORN: I-I don't understand…
EMILY: That's alright; we'll take care of this!
RACHEL: Yeah! We're heroes!
HARRY: *searching through cupboards*
LIZA: *reading the labels on potions*
RACHEL: *jumping on the couch*
SLUGHORN: *standing there like an idiot*
The director rolls her eyes, then pulls out the script and writes 'somehow Ron gets up perfectly fine'.
EVERYONE: Oh.
EMILY: I just saved your life! Now not only do I own you, but you're in dept to me!
RON: Oh, sweet Merlin… Harry, why didn't you just let her kill me?
In the Hospital Wing
DUMBY: Well, I'd say Ron was very lucky, having the director step in like that. Most of them wouldn't bother.
EMILY: Are you kidding? My goldfish died recently, and I'm not losing another pet this soon!
LIZA: Oh my gosh, I'm sorry!
EMILY: It's alright. He was a very old goldfish, anyhow. He lived a nice, long life. And oh, the memories we shared!
RACHEL: We continue to be in mourning…
HARRY: Ron nearly died and you guys are talking about a fish?
McGONAGALL: How did this happen, anyway?
EMILY: What, how my fish died?
SLUGHORN: Oh, it was this. *holds up a bag of something* Apparently it was poisoned.
DUMBY: It's wrapped like a gift.
SLUGHORN: Well, yes. I don't remember how I got it, but I was planning on giving it to you, in fact… I'm not sure why.
DUMBY: Oh, thank you, Horace! Much appreciated! *takes bag*
SLUGHORN: *grabs bag back* What part of 'poisoned' didn't you get?
DUMBY: Now, Horace, it's rude to take back gifts! They call that being an Indian giver. I don't really know why, though…
Enter Lavender!
LAVENDER: Oh, Ron-Ron! I'm here! Has he been asking for me?
HARRY: No.
LAVENDER: And what is she doing here?
HERMIONE: What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
LAVENDER: I happen to be his girlfriend!
HERMIONE: Oh yeah? Well, I happen to be his… friend!
EMILY: And I happen to be his owner! And personally, I like Hermione better, so… go away.
LAVENDER: I will not! Oh, Ron, it's okay! I'm here now!
EMILY: *drops jaw in surprise* Did she just tell me to go away?
RACHEL: Uh oh…
EMILY: That's it, I'm killing her off!
DUMBY: Now, there's no need to come to that conclusion…
LIZA: You know, he's right. Can't you just, you know, injure her in some really unpleasant way?
EMILY: You're right… *brainstorming* Are we allowed to have anvils drop randomly, or is that too cartoony?
RACHEL: Emily!
RON: *stirring*
EVERYONE: *waiting in anticipation*
RON: Her…mio…ne… Hermio… ne… Hermione…
LAVENDER: *gasp*
RON: Please… sex… now…
HERMIONE: *turns red*
Lavender runs out of the room crying.
DUMBY: Oh, how I miss young love! Severus, I remember all the stories you used to tell me about every time you'd get rejected by Lily…
SEVERUS: *pulls Dumbledore outside* Say that out loud again, and I'll kill you before page 596.
DUMBY: Before? Oh, but that'll never do! It has to be 596.
Another weird scene in which Draco puts a bird into the Vanishing Cabinet and it comes back dead…
The Great Hall at breakfast
SNAPE: *walks by and dunks Dumbledore's head in a bowl of oatmeal*
DUMBY: Severus! What's the meaning of this?
SNAPE: What? You said you wanted me to kill you.
DUMBY: Yes, but I didn't say drown me in my oatmeal!
SNAPE: But don't you want your death to be one of a kind? Something totally epic for a wizard as great as yourself?
DUMBY: Hm… Actually, you may be right about that. Have it be something involving giraffes! I like giraffes. *beams*
SNAPE: You know, I think I may be able to get my hands onto some balloon animals…
Back at the student tables, Lavender is glaring at Ron while he eats with his friends.
RON: So, uh… How did we break up, again?
HERMIONE: Do you even have to ask, Ron? She's rude, selfish, and obsessive – you can do much better. Oh! And here comes Katie Bell.
HARRY: Oh!
Harry runs up to Katie.
KATIE: I know you're going to ask who cursed me, Harry, and there's a 2:1 chance that it was Malfoy.
HARRY: I knew it!
DRACO: *three second pause, then runs away*
Harry chases after him into a bathroom, where he sees Draco having a hormonal moment and crying because he's torn between his love for Harry and his desire to do evil. Harry, being foolish and resorting to violence rather than having him talk about it, which could've fixed everything, begins a shootout with Draco. They fire around non-verbal spells for a bit, until Harry used Sectumsempra, causing Draco to fall over, bleeding everywhere.
EMILY: I remember really loving this scene in the book.
LIZA: This almost makes me feel sorry for Draco.
EMILY: Well, yeah. I might've… exaggerated it a bit. But still.
RACHEL: Why does everything happen in a bathroom?
EMILY: Well, closets were getting a little old, so…
LIZA: …Poor Draco.
HARRY: Excuse me? Poor Draco? He hexed Katie!
EMILY: Dumbledore knows what he's doing. Stop interfering.
HARRY: But-
Snape runs in, horrified, and begins healing Draco. Harry, just as shocked at himself, runs away.
In the Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: I almost killed Draco…
GINNY: You have to get rid of it. Today.
HARRY: *nods*
ST: We'll come!
AUDIENCE: Way to ruin the moment…
In the Room of Requirement
GINNY: Hold my hand.
HARRY: *grabs Ginny's hand*
RACHEL: Ooh-la-la!
LIZA: Ginny loves Harry! Ginny loves Harry!
HARRY: I'm sorry. They haven't had any butterbeer today – I swear.
EMILY: *trips over something, causing a bunch of other somethings to topple over with loud crashing noises*
AUDIENCE: Smooth.
GINNY: Alright, give me the book.
HARRY: But – but – but –
GINNY: *grabs book* Now, close your eyes.
Harry closes his eyes as Ginny hides the book, then runs over and kisses Harry.
In the Gryffindor Common Room… again
RON: So, did you and Ginny do it?
HARRY: Not – oh. You mean hide the book. Yeah, we did.
RON: Still no luck with Slughorn?
HARRY: Luck? That's it! *pulls out the Felix Felicis and drinks the entire bottle*
AUDIENCE: Harry can't do that! He uses drops of it later on.
EMILY: Apparently he can. Maybe they're cutting all those scenes?
AUDIENCE: Figures.
HERMIONE: How do you feel?
HARRY: Excellent!
HERMIONE: Good. Remember the plan, Harry. Slughorn-
HARRY: I'm going to Hagrid's!
RON: What?
HERMIONE: But that's not the plan!
HARRY: I know, but… I have a really, really good feeling about Hagrid's. I know what I'm doing. Or, Felix does. Come on, directors!
ST: Yay!
HARRY: *crashes into Ginny* Oh, hi!
Harry and the directors go skipping of towards Hagrid's.
LIZA: You know, he really should do this more often.
EMILY: I know! I mean, he's not yelling at us or anything.
RACHEL: What if we gave the potion to Snape?
EMILY: *gasp* Yesh! We really should. Or, we would've, if Harry hadn't drunk the whole damn bottle!
HARRY: Terribly sorry! Oh, hello, Professor!
Harry walks up to Slughorn, who's leaning into a greenhouse through a window and cutting leaves off a plant.
SLUGHORN: *jumps, startled* Oh, Harry!
HARRY: You aren't stealing plants from Professor Sprout, are you?
SLUGHORN: Of course not! What makes you say that?
HARRY: Oh, I don't know. Sneaking in through the window, acting suspiciously, jumping when I came over… the usual, you know? Hey, and what do you know! Greenhouse #3. This place has so many memories… when Neville was knocked unconscious by a bunch of mandrakes in my second year… Oh, and this was where they found Oliver when the fangirls raped him!
SLUGHORN: Lovely… Hey, how did you get out of the castle? It's nearly nightfall.
HARRY: The front entrance.
SLUGHORN: Really?
HARRY: Yeah! It was left open. You see, Hagrid is a really dear friend of mine, and directors and I wanted to pay him a visit tonight.
SLUGHORN: You do realize I can't let you go out after dark unsupervised, right?
HARRY: Well, then come along! Hagrid always makes enough tea for guests.
SLUGHORN: I-I suppose I could… Well, just for a little while.
HARRY: Great! Last one there's a rotten egg! *skips off with the directors*
SLUGHORN: Wait up! I'm so much older than you!
Halfway to Hagrid's
SLUGHORN: *wheezing* Harry… I say we head back to Hogwarts now…
HARRY: But Sir, that would be counter-productive. Oh, Hello, Hagrid! What'cha doin'?
HAGRID: Oh, Harry! Horace.
SLUGHORN: Merlin's beard! Is that an actual acromantula?
Aragog is lying on his back dead.
HARRY: Actually, a dead one, I reckon.
LIZA: He was bigger in the second… *shudders*
RACHEL: It's alright, Liza. We still remember how to take care of spiders!
SLUGHORN: However did you manage to kill it?
LIZA: Oh, easy! He took a wand and jabbed at it really fast, saying 'Diediedie!'
EMILY: Yup! The most accurate way to kill a spider.
HAGRID: Kill him? He was my bestest friend, he was!
HARRY: I thought I was your bestest friend?
SLUGHORN: I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
HAGRID: It's alright. Spiders are very misunderstood creatures.
EMILY: They're evil. And scary.
LIZA: Agreed.
RACHEL: Ron thinks so too.
LIZA: I know he does.
HAGRID: It's probably those eyes. They're very intimidating.
HARRY: Oh, and the pinchers!
HAGRID: Yes, those too.
EMILY: And their legs!
RACHEL: And hair.
LIZA: And… head.
ST: *shudder*
SLUGHORN: Can I rip off one of its legs by accident and collect some venom?
HAGRID: Of course.
SLUGHORN: *goes to do so* And, uh, should I say a few words now?
HAGRID: Sure.
SLUGHORN: Alright. Farewell, ac-
HAGRID: Aragog.
SLUGHORN: Arogog, king of the arachnids. Uh… that's all I've got.
HARRY: Good enough!
EMILY: Is it after party time?
HAGRID: Uh, okay.
ST: Yay! Party time!
At Hagrid's, Hagrid and Slughorn get really drunk. Luckily, Harry's able to tie the directors up so they can't get drunk again.
LIZA: No fair!
RACHEL: Me wanna butterbeer!
ST: Butterbeer!
HAGRID AND SLUGHORN: *singing*
SLUGHORN: You know, that's life! You live for a while, and then one day… poof!
ST: Poof!
EMILY: *grumbling* What's the point of a funeral after party if we're not allowed to get drunk?
HARRY: I just think Hermione and Ron would kill me if I did let you guys, after what happened last time and all.
HAGRID: *passes out*
SLUGHORN: I once had a fish… I called him Francis. Francis used to be a petal, you know. Then he transformed! But one day he just… poof! I never saw Francis again.
EMILY: My fishy died too!
AUDIENCE: You said that already.
EMILY: Clever! Cross-referencing, are we?
AUDIENCE: …
SLUGHORN: The petal… was a lily. It was from your mother, Harry. And the day it disappeared… was the day she died.
AUDIENCE: Hey, ever notice how characters use pauses to make what they're saying more dramatic?
EMILY: Yes. Now piss off.
RACHEL: Now, that's not what you were saying just a-
EMILY: Shut up! I'm listening to the pretty story.
SLUGHORN: Harry, I know why you're here. But I can't give you the memory.
HARRY: Sir, you have to. I'm Harry Potter!
SLUGHORN: Well, when you put it that way… okay!
Slughorn gives Harry the memory.
In the memory
TOM: Professor, I wanted to ask you something. I was in the library the other day, in the restricted section, when I came across a rather interesting piece of magic. It was called a horcrux.
SLUGHORN: Oh, I can tell you loads about that! A horcrux is when you kill somebody and then stick part of your soul into an object to live forever!
TOM: Awesome! Can I – I mean, someone – do it, say, seven times?
SLUGHORN: Of course!
TOM: Yay!
Back in Dumbledore's office
HARRY: No wonder Slughorn was ashamed of that.
DUMBY: I should've known! Horcruxes.
HARRY: Do you mean to say he succeeded, Sir?
DUMBY: Oh, yes. I've no doubt of it.
HARRY: How do you know what they are?
DUMBY: You don't; they could be anything! For example, a clock, a hat, a pen, a tampon, a ring… a book.
Dumbledore pulls Tom Riddle's diary and a ring out of his desk.
HARRY: Tom Riddle's diary?
DUMBY: Yes, that was a horcrux. They could be anything, but dark magic…
Harry picks up the ring to see 'Horcrux #2: Property of Tom Riddle Jr.' engraved on the inside.
DUMBY: …leaves traces.
HARRY: That's where you've been going, Sir? Looking for horcruxes?
DUMBY: Yes.
HARRY: Then, if you already knew about the horcruxes, how come you needed the memory?
DUMBY: I don't know… It seemed important at the time?
In the Astronomy Tower
HARRY: *walking up the stairs, pained with bad memories every step of the way*
SNAPE: Sir, I don't want to do this anymore!
DUMBY: You promised! You can't go back on your word, Severus. There's nothing more to discuss.
Snape grumbles something, storms by Harry, making sure to glare at him, and then leaves.
DUMBY: Ah, Harry! Glad you could make it. By the way, you need to start shaving.
HARRY: Okay…
DUMBY: Forgive me, but I forget how much you've grown. I still sometimes see you as the same little boy from the cupboard. I'm getting old, Harry.
HARRY: You look the same to me.
AUDIENCE: Are you kidding? It's a completely different actor!
EMILY: Yeah, but… still.
DUMBY: Now, where we're going tonight, Harry, is very dangerous. I promised you can come, and I stand by what I said, but only under one condition.
HARRY: Yes?
DUMBY: I need you to follow my every command. Understand?
HARRY: Yes, Sir.
DUMBY: Should I tell you to run, you run. Should I tell you to hide, you hide. Should I tell you to reenact a scene from Romeo and Juliet, you pick the balcony scene. Should I tell you a joke, even if it's not funny, you laugh.
HARRY: Uh…
DUMBY: Your word, Harry.
HARRY: My word.
DUMBY: Good. Take my arm.
Harry grabs Dumbledore's arm and they apparate to a rock sticking out of the middle of the ocean as heroic music comes on. There's a completely irrelevant scene in which Dumbledore and Harry stand there for a minute looking completely serious, and then they go inside a cave.
DUMBY: This is the place! *rams himself into a rock and makes his arm bleed*
HARRY: Sir! What did you do that for?
DUMBY: Payment must be made. Payment intended to weaken any intruder.
HARRY: You should've let me, Sir.
DUMBY: Of course not! Had I thrown you into a wall, the critics would be all over me!
A wall opens up, and they enter a large area filled with water with a small island in the center.
DUMBY: I want you to pull on this chain for me.
HARRY: Why can't you do it?
DUMBY: Harry, remember our agreement.
HARRY: Damn.
Harry uses the chain to pull the boat from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory up out of the water. They get on, and a bunch of Oompa Loompas row them to the island while singing an annoying and repetitive song about rowing that's very likely to get stuck in your head. When Dumbledore and Harry step onto the island, there is a large bowl carved out of some crystal thing with a purplely-clear potion in it.
HARRY: Is the horcrux in there?
DUMBY: I'm sure of it. *turns around* Now, Harry: because I'm far older than you and obviously much, much wiser and possibly even more good-looking…
HARRY: *using a shell to scoop out the potion and dump in on the floor in the background*
DUMBY: …it has come to my conclusion that this potion, however dark and sinister it is, must be drunk.
HARRY: *still scooping*
DUMBY: Therefore, Harry, I must drink it; don't dare to stop me. Although it may cause me severe psychological damage, I know I must do it – it's absolutely essential to getting Tom Riddle's horcrux.
HARRY: *finishes scooping*
DUMBY: I want you to understand that this potion can cause a wide variety of dangerous things to happen to me. For instance, I may forget who I am, or where, or what I'm doing. I might cause me indescribable pain, or even-
HARRY: *holds out a locket* Got it!
DUMBY: *turns around* Say what?
HARRY: I said I got the horcrux, see for yourself!
DUMBY: Impossible! I haven't even drunk the potion yet. You didn't…?
HARRY: No, I just scooped it onto the floor.
DUMBY: Oh. Why hadn't I thought of that?
HARRY: Because… What was it you said? You're 'far older than me and obviously much, much wiser and possibly even more good-looking'?
DUMBY: Ah, yes. That must be why.
Harry and Dumbledore start to head out, when suddenly Harry slips into the water and is attacked by an army an Gollums!
GULLUMS: Prreeeccciousss…
HARRY: They speak Parseltongue?
Dumbledore forms a ring of fire, and somehow they manage to escape. Back at Hogwarts, Draco gets up and lets several Death Eaters into the castle through the Vanishing Cabinet.
HARRY AND DUMBY: *apparate back to the Astronomy Tower*
DUMBY: Harry, I want you to get Severus. Tell him what happened, but don't speak to or be seen by anyone else.
Harry heads downstairs when he runs into Draco.
DRACO: Oh, hello, Potter!
HARRY: Shh! I'm not supposed to talk to anyone.
DRACO: Oh, okay. I'll catch up with you later then.
HARRY: Uh…
AUDIENCE: *headdesk*
Draco runs to the top.
DRACO: You!
DUMBY: Me.
DRACO: Yes, that's what I said…
DUMBY: Draco, you're not an assassin.
DRACO: How do you know what I am?
DUMBY: I know you're a seriously misunderstood character. You're not quite unlike myself, actually. You're gay, with a slight crush on Harry, you have greasy hair, you're almost as sexy and evil as your father…
DRACO: Okay, so maybe you do know everything there is to know about me. Still, I'm one of them now! *shows Dumby his Dark Mark tattoo*
HARRY: *le gasp*
EMILY: I just got a very disturbing image of Voldemort as a tattoo artist…
LIZA: Oh, that is rather disturbing.
AUDIENCE: Indeed.
RACHEL: Do you think he does airbrush or stick-on?
EMILY AND LIZA: …
There's a loud thud from somewhere downstairs.
RACHEL: I think someone tripped over something in the Room of Requirement.
EMILY: So I'm not the only one?
LIZA: I guess not.
DUMBY: There are others? How?
DRACO: The Vanishing Cabinet in the Room of Requirement. It has a twin – I fixed it.
DUMBY: Ingenious. Draco, I once knew a boy, quite like yourself, who made all the wrong decisions. Let me help you.
DRACO: Expelliarmus!
DUMBY: *wand drops to the ground*
DRACO: I don't want your help! You don't understand. I have to do this!
HARRY: *having traumatizing flashbacks from the last time the three of them were in the Astronomy Tower together*
DRACO: I have to kill you… or he'll kill me.
DUMBY: Have you ever considered counseling? I'm just saying, that might be very helpful in a situation such as this.
Harry ducks into a hiding spot as the Death Eaters come running up the stairs.
BELLATRIX: Well done, Draco!
DUMBY: Ah! Good evening, Bellatrix. I suppose introductions ought to be made?
BELLATRIX: Sorry, but we're on a tight schedule. There's less than fifteen minutes left of the movie.
Snape walks by, shows the finger to Harry, and then joins the others.
HARRY: ?
BELLATRIX: Come on, Draco. Do it!
DRACO: *slowly lowering his wand*
SNAPE: No.
DUMBY: Severus… please.
DRACO: Oh, hello, Professor! Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
SNAPE: That would be my wand, Mr. Malfoy.
DRACO: So… you're not happy to see me?
SNAPE: No. You asked what was jabbing you in the thigh, and that would be my wand.
DRACO: Wait… I'm confused.
DUMBY: *raises hand* You can jab me with your happiness anytime, Severus!
SNAPE: *turns bright red* Avada Kedavra!
There's a flash of green light, and Dumbledore falls off the Astronomy Tower.
AUDIENCE: That's not how it happened.
EMILY: That would be 'Why Snape Killed Dumbledore Fan Theory #327'. Before the seventh book came out, of course.
LIZA: You mean there's more?
EMILY: Duh! Most of them were along the lines of 'It's naked time!' though… hm.
RACHEL: Meep.
EMILY: Alas, I could not bring myself to go that far. Maybe with a slightly sexier, younger character, but… No. Just… no.
AUDIENCE: This day has been blessed.
LIZA: Meanwhile, Dumbledore just died and we're still discussing more perverted ways it could've ended. Care to continue the conversation, or will we actually go back to Harry?
ALL: Oh my God… Harry!
They all turn to see Harry is running downstairs, chasing after the Death Eaters. The Dark Mark has formed in the sky as they walk across the campus. Bellatrix appears to be enjoying herself very much…
HARRY: Snape! He trusted you! *firing spells*
SNAPE: *blocking*
HARRY: Fight back! Fight back, you coward!
SNAPE: Don't… call me… a coward! *knocks Harry over*
BELLATRIX: *holds up her wand*
SNAPE: Stop! He's for the Dark Lord.
BELLATRIX: Hmph.
HARRY: *jumps back up* Sectumsempr-
SNAPE: *blocks spell* You dare use my own spell against me? Yes, Potter. I am the Half-Blood Prince!
LIZA: *leans over* Are you crying?
EMILY: Who, me? N-No! Of course not!
LIZA: It's okay…
AUDIENCE: We'd be surprised if you didn't cry.
RACHEL: Poor Dumby…
EMILY: Poor Sevvy… *sniffles*
LIZA: That's who you're crying about?
AUDIENCE: *overly-dramatic sigh* Way to spoil the seventh book…
EMILY: Shut up! It's not like anyone's on spoiler alert anymore. If you want to read the book, you would've done so already. Besides, if anyone read these scripts before the books or movies…
LIZA: They're screwed?
EMILY: Precisely. *grabs Rachel's sleeve to dry her eyes*
RACHEL: Hey!
Harry and the directors join the entire school standing around Dumbledore's body.
AUDIENCE: That was… fast.
Everyone holds up their wands with a light at the tip in his honor, making the Dark Mark go away. The directors look at each other for a minute, and then hold up their index fingers. Thus, again we have a cheesy ending, just this time… sad-cheesy, not happy-cheesy.
The next morning in Dumbledore's office
Harry is going through Dumbledore's things.
HARRY: That bastard spend so much time telling me about Voldemort's childhood, but not once did he tell me how to destroy a horcrux!
ST: *getting into his lemon drops*
RACHEL: Pity…
HARRY: *fooling around with Dumbledore's wand* I… I can't believe…
Enter McGonagall
ST: *hide lemon drops behind their backs*
McGONAGALL: Harry. If you need to talk-
HARRY: *runs out of the room*
LIZA: Talk about rude…
In the Astronomy Tower
HERMIONE: Do you think he would've done it? Malfoy, I mean.
HARRY: No… No, he was lowering his wand. In the end it was Snape. It was always Snape.
EMILY: How dare you-
LIZA AND RACHEL: *tackle Emily to the ground and cover her mouth*
EMILY: Mmmph! Mmmph!
HARRY: *hands Hermione the locket* It's fake. Open it.
Hermione takes the locket and opens it to see it's containing a letter. She unfolds it and reads it aloud:
To the Dark Lord,
I want you to know I have stolen the real horcrux, and I intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I know I face death, but what I really mean to tell you is… Oh, Merlin's beard, how can I put this? Ah, yes: NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA!
RAB
HERMIONE: RAB. Who's RAB?
HARRY: No idea, but I don't plan on coming back to Hogwarts next year.
RON: What?
HARRY: I've got to find these horcruxes… and destroy them.
HERMIONE: We'll help you.
HARRY: No! I'm stubborn and I've got to do this alone.
HERMIONE: Harry, when will you get it? We're in this together.
HARRY: You're right. What would I do without you guys?
We zoom out with a hopeful ending, as Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the directors (who actually think they're part of the cast now), prepare to embark on their wholly remarkable journey, or as we like to call it, the Horcrux Hunt!
EMILY, LIZA, RACHEL AND JULIA: The End!