A/N: My first attempt at an angst. Satoshi x Mayaka. I hope you like it.
Vicious Circle
Nothing had changed.
/
Two months had passed since Mayaka's last attempt at a confession. She still remembered how absolutely ecstatic she was and how surreal it felt when Satoshi finally agreed to go out with her. She couldn't sleep for days and found herself constantly smiling; she even felt a little silly at that.
That was just before they started college.
/
She remembered being uncharacteristically nervous on their first date. She had tried to hide it, but she suspected Satoshi noticed it anyway. It was hard to understand how he was still able to make her feel this way after knowing him all these years.
Satoshi, on the other hand, remained quite emotionless and thoroughly unreadable – uncharacteristic on his own part.
Mayaka hadn't suspected anything then. She should have.
/
They had dated exactly three times, travelled to school together eight times and went home together six – Satoshi would always walk her home, but that was probably out of tradition. It saddened her to think that she could count the times she actually got to spend time with him. It saddened her further to know that these were the only occasions they could be together. But it destroyed her to realize that Satoshi was completely unbothered by this lack of interaction.
She had tried to remain naively hopeful, attributing this to busy college life on Satoshi's part or that he needed time to adjust to their newly established relationship. But time and time again she tried, and time and time again she would be disappointed.
It wasn't supposed to be hard. They got accepted into the same college and they lived in the same neighborhood. The school wasn't far; it only took an hour ride by train. Sure they studied different subjects and had totally different classes, but Mayaka was sure Satoshi could squeeze time for her if he wanted to.
If.
But it didn't happen. She always had to be the active one. Whether it was to call or text him for a brief chat – he did text her twice, but that was it – or to ask if he wanted to hang out, she always had to take the initiative. She knew that by tradition, the boy should be taking a much more active role in a relationship, but it wasn't the fact itself – or lack thereof – that made her worry; she was worried about the implications behind such apparent indifference.
She couldn't understand, and she didn't know how to interpret their relationship.
/
[A friend of mine is publishing her first manga this summer :D]
[Wow. That's great, Mayaka!]
[Yep. It's a dream come true for her. Wonder if I'll ever have a chance like that? XD]
[Haha. Ganbatte! I know you will ;]
[Thanks!~ BTW, Fuku-chan, are you free sometime this week? Let's grab a quick tea after school, k? =w=]
[Sorry Mayaka. This is a really busy week for me. Maybe later? ~_~;]
It happened every time, Satoshi pulling back when she felt she had finally gotten a bit closer to him. He would seem overly enthusiastic about whatever Mayaka told him about, begging to hear more. And it never failed to make her smile. It was part of what she loved about him. But almost every time, he would send her crashing back down with brief exchanges or rejections whenever Mayaka tried to take another step forward. She wanted to learn the lesson, but couldn't help finding herself entering the same routine again and again. Sometimes she was so irritated at herself about how easily affected she was by him.
She stared back at her phone with an empty gaze, wondering what Satoshi was trying to hide behind his words, while trying with effort to brush off the disappointment she had hidden behind her own.
She wondered if this relationship was healthy, or even common. She resisted the urge to laugh at all the shoujo manga she had read.
If he didn't want to commit himself in this relationship, then why had he agreed in the first place? She had thought that the pain of unrequited love was over that night. Now she wondered if it had merely changed form. Sometimes she suspected that it had even escalated.
/
[Mayaka. It's been a while since we talked. How have you been? Is everything all right?]
[...]
[The Cultural Festival's coming up. Wanna go tgt?]
[No. It's ok. You don't have to do this.]
[…]
[Goodbye, Fuku-chan]