Voyager - Spirit World
Chapter One - On an Empty Stomach
by Carissa Horton
Rating: PG13 for sensuality (duh)
Summary: Set immediately after episode Sacred Ground in Season Three. Kathryn is struggling with her scientific side after her encounter with the spirit world on Nechani. Not knowing where else to go, she turns to Chakotay for guidance, little knowing her trust in him might develop into more than she anticipated. Throw in a pinch of adventure, a dash of Vidiian evil, and a smidgeon of danger and we've got ourselves a story.
I'm a new fan. I confess it to the world! I know how the show ends and this relationships goes a big fat nowhere. However, the bland ending of Stargate SG-1 didn't keep me from shipping Jack and Sam so I figure I'm safe watching the sparks fly between Chakotay and Janeway. And believe me, there are sparks. This fic is meant to fulfill my own perverse need to see them together, even if it is only through the written word. So come along for the ride. Let's see if you can keep up!
Chapter One
The Doctor could talk all he wanted about scientific evidence and logical explanations. But there was no real logic behind Kes's magical and miraculous recovery from death. Listlessly starring into space as she walked, Kathryn recounted her meeting with the spirits of Nechani. Crewmembers paused in their hurrying, gazing behind them as Kathryn vanished around first one corridor and then another, paying them no mind. No matter what the Doctor said, no matter the logical spin he put on Kes's healing, Kathryn knew what she had experienced. These spirits, or whatever they were, had healed Kes, and they had opened a completely new door in Kathryn's mind, a door to the realm of possibilities. If it was possible for a creature, a terrifyingly powerful creature like the Caretaker, to zap Voyager hundreds of thousands of light-years from home, then who was she to say that these spirits did not exist, or that they could not heal when the mood struck them.
She stumbled against the wall, a wave of fatigue engulfing her. It had been four days since she had slept and nearly that long since she'd eaten anything. Hunger gnawed at her insides and she didn't want to think anymore, just to find some food and then sleep. Gathering her strength, Kathryn pushed away from the wall with her trembling arms, finding her bearings. She blinked. Right across from her was the door to Chakotay's quarters. Another wave of dizziness struck her. A trip to sickbay was not an option. The Doctor possessed a dreadful bedside manner. Besides, Kathryn loathed personal illness and all the sympathetic compassion accompanying the infirm. Pressing her hand against the keypad, Kathryn waited silently, breathing in and out. Chakotay's curious eyes gazed at her before she even realized he had approved her entry.
"Captain? Are you feeling all right?"
Smiling, she attempted to hide the weakness she felt, "Of course. Nothing to worry about, Chakotay."
He glanced down the empty corridor, both ways, cocking an eyebrow. "Forgive my asking, but then why are you here?"
"I. . ." another wave of dizziness struck her. Kathryn's knees gave out, sending her crashing towards the floor. Strong arms engulfed her before she connected with the corridor. Lights flashed in and out in her mind but she was cognizant enough to recognize Chakotay lifting her inside his cabin. Soft pillows supported her back; subdued lighting greeted her eyes as she attempted to place the music softly pulsing inside Chakotay's cabin. Was it Bach? Mozart, perhaps? No, it had to be Copland. That cowboy sound could be no other.
A cold rim nudged her lips apart, sweet liquid coursing down her throat as she eagerly sipped the tea. Chakotay's fingers brushed loose strands of hair from her eyes and she looked at him, at the panic he tried so desperately to conceal, as well as the questions he yearned to ask.
Trembling fingers rose and Kathryn pressed the crease between her eyes. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I don't know what came over me just now. I felt so small, so weak."
He settled back from her, resting on his heels, still crouched at her feet. "You haven't eaten in three days, Captain. I'm vacillating between informing sickbay or merely ordering you a hot meal. Knowing you, I'm sure you would prefer to avoid another visit to sickbay."
"Please. I'd much rather eat." Kathryn drew in a couple of deep breaths, in through her nose, out through her mouth, feeling the oxygen swirl through her muscles and nervous system, strengthening her brain. "Shall we go to the mess hall?"
"What and force some of Neelix's cooking on you after you nearly passed out in the corridor. I don't think so. How does some linguini with spinach and cheese sound? The replicator produces a delicious result." He rose without waiting for her answer, rested a hand on her shoulder without apology, and headed to the replicator.
"Since saying no isn't an option than I'll merely agree. I'm too weak to argue with you anyway."
"Oh, you are tired!"
"No teasing the captain after she's come knocking at your quarters in the middle of the night. Whatever would the crew think?"
"Well," he handed her a plate of delectable pasta and a refill on her glass of iced tea, "if they made any rash assumptions, than they obviously don't know you, even after all these years on Voyager, nor do they know me."
She took one bite and exhaled a delighted sigh, "Thank you, Commander. This is precisely what I needed."
Watching Kathryn dig into her food with gusto, Chakotay focused on her appearance. Her skin was incredibly pale, more so than usual. In addition, her hand trembled, no matter how she tried to keep it still. The Doctor declared her fit for duty. These might just be side effects of starving herself for a few days. Or, he pondered, it could be more. Chakotay would never forget his first experience with the spirits of his people, the spirit of his father. That moment had rocked him to the core, tilting his entire world upside down. Kathryn was even less accustomed to spiritual encounters than he had been. Within moments, her plate was empty and she was sighing contentedly.
His hand reached out of its own volition and brushed a strand of Kathryn's hair behind her ear then tilted her chin toward him so he could study her more closely. Her eyes widened at their suddenly too-close proximity. She had stopped breathing, he noticed, almost warmed at the thought that he might, just might, be affecting her with his presence. However, his need was not physical. Chakotay looked deep into her mind, searching her eyes for some sign of change, and he found it. His fingers nearly caressed her as he released her chin.
"Chakotay!" A part of her, a rather large part, wanted to scramble away from him. This was precisely how she had felt when they'd been trapped together on that damn planet, the only two beings, for months on end. His yearning for intimacy with her, both physical and emotional, had scattered her resolve. He was doing precisely the same thing now and she didn't like it. Or worse yet, maybe she did.
"I apologize, Captain. I just needed to see." He coolly faced her accusatory glare, steepling his fingers together against his lips, "I needed to see if you had undergone a transformation on Nechani. I was right, you have."
Kathryn stilled on his sofa, very aware of the pressure of the cushions against her thighs, of every breath she exhaled, of the way Chakotay sat, oh, so calmly, a mere foot away from her. She couldn't resist, she was drawn to meet his stare. My god, what am I doing! Air constricted in her lungs, Kathryn felt that damn dizziness returning, the room started to spin. Until Chakotay grabbed her hands, providing her with an anchor. Gulping in a deep, shuddering breath, Kathryn focused on the masculine hands now gripping her own. His thumbs gently rubbed along her knuckles, the light pressure tightening and releasing. She found her focus again, her center.
"Tell me, Captain. What have you seen?" Chakotay gently requested.
Her eyes, enormous pools of blue, pleaded for his understanding. "Chakotay, I don't believe the Doctor's prognosis. I know all about science and logic. One of my closest friends is a damned Vulcan! Nevertheless, for all my science, I cannot explain Kes's recovery! You were there, Chakotay! You doubted, just as I did, in my heart of hearts. But when I picked Kes up and we walked through that force field, I felt something, something no scientist can explain. I felt a spiritual awareness in my soul, if there even is such a thing!"
A crease formed on Chakotay's brow and Kathryn felt her resolve for composure slipping. She needed him, him above anyone else, to believe her. "Please, Chakotay. I'm not crazy. I know how this sounds, but I'm not crazy."
She was desperate for his approval, for his understanding. Under no other circumstances would his captain cling so hungrily to his hands, mentally closing the distance between them with her eyes. How he wished, yearned, that she had come to him for some other reason than to simply be reassured that the spirit world could possibly exist. This wasn't the time. It might never be the time, a fact he'd reconciled himself to long ago.
"For what it's worth, Kathryn," the name slipped easily from his lips, recapturing the intimacy they'd experienced once before, "I know you're not crazy. You came to me tonight because you know of my history with the spirit world. It's true. I've encountered beings that Tuvok would declare illogical and would have the Doctor searching for medicine to cure my visions. I can no longer deny the spirits of my ancestors because I know them personally." She soaked up every word he uttered, a fact that sent warmth flooding his veins.
"So, what now, Chakotay? What's my next step?"
"You're confused. I can see it in your eyes and so will anyone else on this ship. Fainting spells aside, Captain, we need to help you find a happy medium, an explanation of events that you can live with. You might never find complete peace about your experience on Nechani, but you might be able to accept that answers are not always necessary, sometimes we just have to trust."
Not even aware that she still clung to his hands, this time performing the ministrations of tightening and lessening her grip, Kathryn murmured, "Will you help me? I can't go to anyone else, Chakotay. Not even Tuvok. As you said, he wouldn't understand. Help me find my center again."
A flash of compassion so strong it shook his very soul thundered through Chakotay. This woman, this leader of men, needed him. The circumstances of her need didn't matter. He could not refuse her. "Of course, Captain. We can begin tonight if you feel able, or we can begin after you've had some sleep."
The slightest smile brushed her lips. "Chakotay, I believe you called me Kathryn a few moments ago. I'd like it if you would do so again."
"It's not appropriate, Captain."
"It is when we're alone, Commander."
"And if I slip?" he queried.
"You won't slip. I trust your discretion in this matter."
Sliding his hands out from under hers, Chakotay stood, providing much-needed distance between them. A muscle in his jaw jumped and his eyes shuttered closed. "Very well. But only for these sessions. I don't trust myself not to slip in front of the crew. We can't have them making suppositions about our relationship, now can we."
A chill shuddered through Kathryn's body. He'd closed her out, just like that, no warning. The Chakotay she had known on that lonely and lush planet when it had been just the two of them was a man she rarely encountered. She had lost him somewhere between the planet and Voyager. Only now did she realize that she missed the Chakotay who had built her a bathtub and carved headboards for their beds. The man who'd given her the gentlest of backrubs. This cold imposing man was not her first officer, not really.
"Thank you, Chakotay." She stood, brushing hands down the front of her uniform, professional once more. "I appreciate your assistance. I'll be here at 1300 hours."
"Captain, we had better make it your quarters."
She paused at the door, not looking back at him."Very well."
Head high, Kathryn marched out of Chakotay's quarters, listening to the door hiss shut behind her.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Chakotay took out his frustration on the wall of his quarters, nearly denting the solid structure with his fist. Anger was an emotion he thought he'd mastered within a year as a member of Voyager's crew. But the maelstrom of conflicting emotions surrounding Kathryn sent those damned feelings bubbling toward the surface once again. "Why do you need her to need you so desperately, you sentimental fool?"
No answer.