Another Suitcase in Another Hall
Or the three times Amelia Shepherd left, and the one time she stayed.
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble, I'd anticipate it
But all the same I hate it, wouldn't you
It's important to know when you're not welcome and Amelia Shepherd could tell that time had come. Her family hated her. They pretended to be there for her, to support her, but she knew she was only bringing them down. Hell Derek had to literally save her life; you can't come back from that. Slowly it begins to tear a family apart. She knew they loved her, but there was only so much they could suffer through at her hand. She was clean now, she knew it would stick this time, but none of them seemed to believe her. As long as she was still in her mother's home she would not be able to move on from who she was. She needed a fresh start; she had gotten into med school, despite all of her siblings doubting her ability. She may have been a druggie but she was not stupid. She didn't tell any of her family members, but she was determined to go off and prove she could do it. She would no longer be the black sheep of the family. She didn't tell any of them she was leaving, she didn't even say goodbye. She just left a note.
Mom, Derek and sisters,
I am so sorry for all that I have put you through. I know how much of a burden I have been for this family, and how much pain and worry I have caused. I can't see you all suffer anymore. I am clean now, I know I am, but I need some space to live with it. I need to meet new people who won't immediately think I will relapse when I have a bad day. I love you all, but I need some time to prove to you and myself that I can do this.
And with that Amelia picked up her bag and left the only home she had ever known. This was the first race in a life time of running.
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
Working with Doctor Ginsberg was Amelia's dream job; she would have given anything to keep it. But when the choice came between keeping her job and saving a patient she chose her patient. Sure what she did was reckless and risky, but the patient survived didn't she? Leave it to Addie to keep her in check.
"You could be a great surgeon, but right now you're not half as good as you think you are."
The words Addison had yelled at her kept ringing in her head. She could be great, but yet again she let herself get in the way. She quit her job chasing some god complex. She convinced herself that she was doing it for the patient, but she was really doing it for herself, to prove she could, to show off to her ex-sister-in-law and her colleagues. She convinced herself that leaving home and going to med school were good for her, but in the end she found herself still chasing a high, this time a surgical one. Amelia was disappointed in herself; she had come full circle yet again. Confused and upset she wandered down to the beach. She saw Sam sitting on a log and sat down to join him. Thinking she would find comradery in her brother's old friend, she was surprised by the reception she received.
"What are you even doing here?" he asked. "Running around watching surgeries, watching other people's lives, trying to fix things and not doing anything about your own life."
Sam's words stung, but he was right. Her life was a mess, and even after all these years she was still running from her family. Maybe it was time for a fresh start.
"Sam," she started. "What if I came here? What if I came to work for you guys, or at the hospital? I just can't go back there, and I can't go to Seattle and admit to my brother that I've ruined things again. I know what he would say, Hurricane Amelia in full swing again, taking out everything in her path."
Sam took a moment to absorb what Amelia said before replying, "Amelia, you need to think about why you would be coming here. Are you running towards something or just running away again?"
Amelia felt her eyes begin to tear up, "What if it's both? What if in escaping my past, I end up finding my future?"
"Well," Sam replied. "There's only one way to find out."
And with that Amelia set off on another marathon, once a runner always a runner.
Time and time again, I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters, all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me and they do
"American Airlines Flight 429 to Seattle is now boarding, please proceed to the gate and have your photo ID ready."
Amelia stood and gathered her bag. This was it; she was on her way to see her brother, to try to gain some perspective on her life. James had proposed, and in typical Amelia fashion she freaked out and jumped the first plane to Seattle. Sure her life was back on track, she had a great job, a great guy, and she'd been clean for almost three years, but that didn't stop the familiar panic from settling in. She wasn't ready to be someone's wife, to settle down. She had thought she was ready with Ryan and look how that turned out. She was a mess, she had only just gotten her life on track, and she wasn't ready for this. This was just her yet again trying to fill the void with something, this time a man.
But she loved James, she did. Maybe this was what she needed. Or maybe she was just fooling herself thinking she could make it work this time.
James called her on her first night in Seattle, though he didn't understand why she had to go he was very understanding and tried to accept what she needed to do. She reassured him she would be back, that this was a temporary trip.
She filled her days with time at the hospital and her nights with phone calls to James. He was becoming more and more frustrated at her absence, and less and less understanding about why.
She packed her schedule with surgery after surgery, and barely returned to Derek's in the evenings. Her calls to James became few and far between, and soon she forgot she even had a fiancé. One day she realised she had begun building a life for herself here in Seattle, and the life she had once envisioned with James was no longer part of the plan.
She had been scared of the future, so she changed it. She ran away from the life that was laid out before her. With one simple email, she jumped back in that race and started tracking the miles.
James,
You deserve more than this email. You deserve someone who would have the decency to tell you this to you face. But I'm not that person. I can't be that person. And you deserve the chance to find that person. You are an amazing man who deserves love and happiness and everything else life has to offer. I can't give you those things, I wish I could but I can't.
I'm so sorry for all I have put you through. You saved me when I needed you most, and I wish I could do the same for you, but I just can't.
I wish you all the best,
Amelia
Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well, maybe not that fine but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of this sad occasion
But that's no consolation, here and now
Owen,
Don't make this all your fault. I know you, that's what you do. Please, please don't do that.
That was it? She didn't even continue the rest of the letter. Owen slammed his fist down on the table. Why did he have to screw up every relationship? Why did every woman he loved have to leave? Cristina, his sister, his best friend Teddy. In their own way they all left him. He had so hoped that Amelia would be the one to stay. She was the one he couldn't bare to lose.
He crumped the note and set off towards their bedroom, ready to be rid of this day. What should he even do now? He didn't know what his life looked like without her, because truthfully his life only really began when he met her. Everything before that was just pain. She was his ray of sunlight, his happiness.
Entering their room, he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the familiar figure of his wife sitting on the edge of their bed, head in her hands.
"Amelia?" he asked, not sure if what he was seeing was real, or just a figment of his imagination. She left, didn't she? Yet here she was like he hoped she would be, still with him.
"I'm sorry Owen," Amelia sobbed. "I tried to leave, I packed a bag, I left a note, like I've done so many times before. But as I went to leave I just couldn't walk out of this room. Our room."
Owen stared at his wife in shock unsure how to respond. A second ago he had thought she left him, but here she was now sitting on their bed, a vision before him. He was mad, of course he was. She let him think she was leaving him, that she had left him, when all along she was still here. He wanted to stay mad at her, but his relief was too strong to let any anger out. His wife was still here, in front of him. She didn't go.
"I'm tired of running," Amelia continued. "I can't do it anymore, not to you and not to us. This is too important to me."
"So then why are you so upset?" Owen asked sitting down gingerly beside her. He didn't fully understand what she was saying, but in that moment all that really mattered was that she was sitting beside him.
"I don't know how to stay," she choked out. "I've never done it before. Things get hard and I run. I've never wanted to stay and make things work before."
"Oh Amelia," Owen sighed. "We don't need all the answers right now. We have the rest of our lives to work these things out. What matters to me is that you're here now, staying is half the battle. When things got tough you didn't walk out on me, on us. I think if we can overcome that we can overcome anything."
"Are you sure about that?" Amelia asked her husband.
"Amelia, I'm sure about us," and with that Owen pulled her into his arms and held her safe.
After a life time of running, Amelia Shepherd had finally reached the finish line.
So what happens now?
(Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now?
(Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to?
(You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?
(Don't ask anymore)