"Great job, you two. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be okay."
Haymitch's statement throws me for a loop. "What's he mean?" I ask Katniss.
"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries," she blurts out.
Now I'm even more confused. "What? What are you talking about?"
"It seemed too rebellious," she says. "So, Haymitch's been coaching me through the last few days. So I didn't make it worse."
"Coaching you? But not me," I say. Why would he need to coach her and not me?
"He knew you were smart enough to get it right," Katniss admits.
My heart sinks into my stomach and my mouth starts to feel dry. She can't mean...
"I didn't know there was anything to get right," I say. "So, what you're saying is these last few days and then I guess... back in the arena...that was just some strategy you two worked out."
"No. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him in the arena, could I?" she says desperately.
If she thinks she's going to get out of this one easy, she's wrong. "But you knew what he wanted you to do, didn't you?" I ask.
Katniss bites her lip, cluing me in that I've guessed correctly. I give her the chance to say otherwise, however.
"Katniss?"
When I realize that the gnawing feeling in my gut that's telling me she doesn't love me is right, I drop her hand and say "It was all for the games. How you acted."
"Not all of it," she says.
"Then how much?" I demand, growing more angry and heartbroken by the second. I sigh then, saying "No, forget that. I guess the real question is what's going to be left when we get home?"
It takes Katniss a moment to answer my question. Her gray eyes fix steadily on my own, as if daring me to look away under their penetrating stare.
"I don't closer we get to District Twelve the more confused I get."
I'm struck dumb as the words leave her mouth. I wait for her to say something else, something more to crush my heart, but nothing else is said.
"Well, let me know when you work it out," I tell her, the pain in my voice completely obvious. Without another word, I turn on my heel and disappear into my bedroom.
My conversation with Katniss keeps replaying over and over in my head. I can't believe that we've been living a lie these past few weeks. Everything she said, everything she did, was so real. So wonderfully, insanely real. I can't wrap my head around the fact that she doesn't love me the way that I love her after the arena.
I should have known. I should have known that the two of us would never be together. I should have known that someone like Katniss would never want a guy like me. I should have known that she could never love me, never open up the room in her heart for me like she's opened it up for Gale.
Gale Hawthorne. The cause of practically all of my girl problems since age twelve. How was I ever supposed to compete with his windswept black hair, piercing grey eyes and lean physique the girls gushed about? Why did I ever think that Katniss would even consider being with me when she could have someone like him?
I know that she denies dating him and refutes claims that they're in love, but I know it's not true. I see the way he looks at her. It's definitely not how big brothers look at their little sisters, either. He's got it bad for her. Then again, who doesn't these days? I don't think a single man in Panem could deny how beautiful she looked on the night of the interviews.
I remember her shining gray eyes, her sweet nose, her full lips, painted a flaming red, her angular and feminine cheekbones, her shiny raven-colored hair. I remember my breath catching in my throat at the sight of her in her dress, the way the warm colors clung to her body and enhanced her already lovely features. She looked amazing and wonderful and just so beautiful.
Shaking my head, I look over at the alarm clock next to my bed. It reads 4:47. I flop back down onto my pillows, willing my weary mind to go to sleep. I just want to rest, but Katniss won't leave me alone. As usual.
On one hand, I know that I should be easier on her. I've loved her since I was five, but she's just now getting to know me and I shouldn't really have expected her to feel the same way about me after just a few weeks.
On the other hand, I can't help but be furious with her. I just can't believe that she strung me along like that, and then left me high and dry when we both made it out of the games alive.
Although I don't want my thoughts to wander there, I keep thinking of the little family I've dreamed up in my head. The family Katniss and I created. We would have two children-one boy and one girl-who would be just as lovely and gorgeous as their mother. We would live in a sweet little house wherever we pleased, simply being together and just living a peaceful life. Katniss would teach the kids to hunt and I would teach them to bake and paint. The four of us could live a life free of all the bad things, with no threats of the games and no one from the Capitol breathing down our necks. We could just...be.
But we'll never be. Not Katniss and I. Not now.
Even though I've known this for hours now, it still stings just as badly as it did when Katniss told me she didn't love me. It stings knowing that she just played along to keep us alive, not because she loved me. It stings knowing that her heart belongs to someone else. It stings knowing that the girl that I've loved for forever doesn't and probably won't ever love me back. Most of all, though, it stings because we could have had it all.
I could have made Katniss the happiest girl in the world. Even with the games, I know that I could have made her fall in love with me. I could have made her happy again. I could have made her smile those gorgeous smiles that so rarely appear on her face. I could have made her melodic laugh float out of her mouth on a daily basis. I could have, but now I can't.
It seems cruel to think of these things now. My mind seems to want to torture me with visions of our family. Of our happy future, the one that we'll never get because of the Capitol.
Where is that girl I met so many years ago? The one with the two little braids and a gap-toothed smile and a voice that silenced all the birds? She's under there somewhere, but the games and the threat of losing everyone she loves loom so close that Katniss doesn't allow that little girl to come out anymore.
I roll over on my side, trying to let sleep overcome me and pull me under. But as soon as I shut my tired eyes, Katniss' face is on the other side of my eyelids, staring straight at me. It's like her face is tattooed into my mind; I can't ever get her out of my head.
No matter how hard I try, I just can't get over Katniss Everdeen. Even now, when she's ripped my heart into a thousand little pieces, I'm still hopelessly in love with her. And I always will love her. Even if she never loves me the way I love her, I know that I will never, never stop loving Katniss. I will forever be hers, forever be whoever she needs me to be in her life, even if that's no one at all.
Some say that's foolish.
I say that's love.
That's my love for Katniss.
I'll never leave her side as long as she'll let me stay by her. I'll never let anyone or anything hurt her again. I'll be the man she lost in her life, the one she trusted, respected and loved more than anything if she'll let me.
I want to be different than the other people in her life. Katniss needs someone to take care of her, and love her, and just be with her. She needs someone to make her feel good, someone to make her feel safe and protected.
I want to be that someone.
And I will be. I will be that someone for Katniss, even though she's broken my heart. Even though she's quit on me, I'm not about to quit on her. I'll fight with her and for her until the very end; always.
Just because she doesn't love me like I love her doesn't mean she can't still have it all.