Betrayal
I'm not one of those people who stands out from a crowd; I seem to blend into any room. In the history books I don't even get a mention. Not once. I believe my name appears on a class list somewhere and if anyone still has the hand out from our graduation my name will appear there. I may have kept my mouth shut but I was still there. The world assumes that because I'm not mentions and apparently no impact, I did nothing throughout those years. That is far from true. I played my own part in the tale of this marvellous world, although few know of it.
On some occasions I wish that everyone knew the part I had played but for the majority I like my secret being just how it is, hidden. If everyone knew I doubt they would like me, not that they do as it is. The heroes from the war hate me for the House I used to call my own. The villains are all but dead now so they can no longer judge me. My family, however, wish I would just slide a blade through my ribs and they would simply stand by as the crimson liquid poured from me. At least those known heroes would attempt to save me, no matter how much they despise me.
The names of the main players from the game are still well known: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Snape, Draco Malfoy. The names of their friends and family are known too. If you are close to them your name is in front of the public's eyes in flashing neon lights. I am glad my name has not mine dragged into such things, even if it is positive. I have always relished in living in the shadows. The totality of light or dark in this place is far too stark for my liking. Shadow has that sense of being uncontrollable, neither one nor the other. That is why I like them, different and free of any ties.
These few ideals of mine were ruined years ago now. In the end even I, the queen of impartiality, found a side to call my own. Sometimes I feel that I betrayed everyone, not just those I cared about, but myself as well. Of course, the main ones I betrayed I cared nothing for at all. Most of them were meaningless. The side which called to me in the end was not the one anyone had expected, not even myself. Slytherins are dark by nature and yet I chose the light. I prefer to think of it as a tactical decision to ensure my survival and that of my darling sister. In the end I am not sure if either of us truly survived.
Survival was the main thing I cared about in those days. My grades were only important if they ensured my future was assured. I twisted people certainly, made them do as I wanted without them even batting an eyelid. For the House of cunning and the sly Slytherins are just as easy to manipulate as anyone else. You just have to know how to do it. I have yet to come across one from a different House who could manage it. You have to be part of it to understand the mechanisms well enough to carry it off. Those who belong to the House understand it but there is a peculiar sense of trust which dictates that no one uses this knowledge. I am the one who disregarded this one unbreakable rule. Someone was bound to in the end.
A sort of emptiness has filled my soul now and I long for an escape. I have yet to find a suitable option. Death has always held a certain allure to me but I have always ignored this. There is only one way I can fulfil that wish and I long ago decided that I would not do it, if only to protect Astoria. If I left her I dread to think what would happen. Her ambition has always blinded her and I will not let her suffer because of it. She thinks she has achieved all her dreams of wealth and pureblood glory but to any person who can truly see it is obvious that it is not the case. It is simple to manipulate her and takes no great deal of skill or delicacy. She sees what she wants to and how to get what she wishes, nothing more.
It seems strange really, describing her like that. I make her out to seem heartless, self absorbed and ruthless. Yet I would say she is the only person I have ever actually loved, properly and unconditionally. That's siblings for you though. They win a place in your heart even if you do not
wish them to. When I was at Hogwarts I attempted to seal off my heart to all and sundry, my sister included. To this date no one has captured my heart. It remains locked inside of me. Astoria though, the little minx, has found a way to be part of my heart. I never wanted anyone to have my heart and I never wanted anyone to have a place in mine. In that sense, I have failed.
Over the years I have failed in many ways. They probably seem small and insignificant to others but to me, those few failures, they are the greatest failures of all. I made promises to myself and broke them, usually without knowing them. Those are not my great mistakes though; when we are young we make foolish decisions and choices. Including what we think of ourselves. The promises I made to other people, the very few I actually meant, are what I mean. Promises of mine which were truly heartfelt were few and far between. If you had one, you should have cherished it. I don't give them out any more.
Betrayal betrays the betrayer. I heard someone say that once. From all of my experience on that subject I would say it was true. At first it seemed alright, and then it all went downhill. No one has discovered the full story of the part I played which I am most thankful for. It is not because of the ridicule from others or being excluded by them that I have suffered. It was my own guilt. Guilt! Something I had never felt even a twinge of it before until the time I needed to feel no regret. My mind betrayed me like I betrayed my so called allies and friends.
It started so long ago now; I struggle to remember some of the small details, some of the larger one as well. The very beginning of it all is crystal clear in my mind. I wish it was one of the things I had forgotten but alas it was not to be. Some things will haunt you for life. This appears to be one of them.