Sith Master2019 Presents:
Vader's Life
A Comedy Fanfic
Full Summary: Basically, this takes place somewhere around the start of ANH. It's all about Vader's hectic life on his Star Destroyer, dealing with gay employees, cancelled TV shows, the crazy Emperor, inept stormtroopers, and everything else he could possible have to deal with. Written completely for fun. Enjoy and review.
XxX
Chapter 1: An Introduction to Vader's Life
Every day, Lord Vader awoke to the sound of his alarm clock screaming a different quote. Today it bellowed: "All worship you! You are the Lord over all weaklings! Force those who—"
By that time, Vader had turned it off and was awaiting his morning victim. Every day Lord Vader pretended to be asleep so that some high ranking crew member would send a lackey to wake him. Lord Vader would then kill the lackey for fun. Today, however, after thirty minutes, no one came. The Sith Lord sighed (they were getting smarter) and dragged himself out of bed, another day on the Devastator.
Vader switched on his HoloScreen to watch his favorite show, Dead Chicks Gone Wild, and simultaneously used the Force to call a beet flavored protein bar to his hand, since protein bars were all he could eat. As the screen before him warmed up, the Sith Lord opened his mask at the neck ever so slightly, shoved the bar in his mouth, and shut it again.
By now, Dead Chicks Gone Wild should have begun, however, Vader was treated to a spinning insignia of the Pal News Network.
"What the hell?" the Sith Lord inquired to himself.
The screen flashed to reveal an elderly, female reporter with graying hair and silver, fake dentures.
"Good morning, Imperials, welcome to our new time slot. We are sorry to inform our viewers that Dead Chicks Gone Wild had been cancelled, due to official request by Emperor Palpatine. All those who disagree with this may fill out a comment card on the HoloInternet and send it to us, we look forward to any disagreements you may have, in the mean time, stop complaining, suck it up, get your thumb out of you ass, and listen to the news—"
"This is bullshit!" Vader exclaimed, standing to his feet, and kicking the HoloScreen over. He stomped on it forty-seven times before he was finally satisfied, and even then, he was still highly pissed. It was time to take this up with the Emperor.
XxX
Darth Vader approached the mammoth communications room aboard the Devastator, before he could enter, however, his commlink chimed. The Sith Lord growled in fury and answered it.
"You have reached Lord Vader, speak now or I'll kill you."
"Lord Vader," said a voice he did not recognize on the other line. "You were supposed to report to the bridge an hour ago, why are you not here?!"
"Quit your whining, you little bitch, my favorite show has been cancelled, so I am going to complain to the Emperor. This is far more important than your insignificant worries. I ought to kill you for attempting to command me. Who the hell are you, anyway?"
"Your new captain, remember, you appointed me yesterday."
"That's right, what is your name?"
"Captain Shicklegalinmyer'Mc Vonstranglehelsing-heisen-our-votim-vitmin-gryll-stinowskysmith."
"Holy shit. I must terminate you immediately!"
"Why?"
"Your name is far too long. If anyone can hear me on the bridge, this is Lord Vader, kill Captain Shicklegalinshitface or whatever the bloody hell his name is, and I vow not to kill you for at least one week, and you will receive a bonus of three thousand credits."
The line went dead, and Vader stepped into the communication room. Seconds later, the Sith Lord kneeled before the imposing image of Lord Sidious.
"Arise mine own apprentice, thine helmet shines by light of brightness, yonder above thy head," the Emperor commanded.
"As you wish, my master," said Vader standing, scratching his helmet in confusion.
"Thy contact dost disturb thy master. Thy… screw it. I hate this formal shit. What do you want?"
"Master, why did you cancel Dead Chicks Gone Wild?"
"I got sick of it, plus, I sensed your fantasies."
"Those were private!"
"As they should have stayed, sick pervert. I refuse to renew the Dead Chicks Gone Wild series. I killed the producer, and incinerated all the dead chicks they used."
"You fiend!"
"Yup, it ain't coming back, so suck it up and report to the bridge."
"Damn you."
"Yes, yes! Your anger makes you powerful, use it! Find the Rebels!"
"Yes, yes, I shall find the Rebels." Vader mumbled, properly subdued.
"Good, go away."
XxX
Before Lord Vader reported to the bridge, he made a quick stop at the on-board grocery store, one of a chain called Imp-Mart. He headed down the aisles, piling up his cart with various items he required for daily life such as Cherry Cola, Twinkies, some moth balls, a commlink charger, a few adult magazines, a new book, and finally protein bars. However, none appeared stocked on their usual shelves. Vader sighed in exasperation and pointed to a passing employee.
"You, can you direct me to the fat flavored protein bars?"
"I'm sorry, Lord Vader, we no longer stock protein bars."
"What do you mean you no longer stock protein bars?!" the Sith Lord demanded angrily.
"Well, you see, I used to be the manager here, I've been replaced, and this new guy doesn't want to stock protein bars, he thinks we'd sell more if we replaced them with porn and booze."
"I find your lack of balls disturbing. Very well, if you don't have the lower extremities to face this new manager, I will."
"Before you go, can I interest you in our sexy underwear aisle?"
"No, you may not purchase gay porn."
"What? I didn't say that!" the man insisted.
"You were thinking it," Vader replied.
"Oh yeah, well, what am I thinking now?"
"Whether or not you should ask the new manager out because he's got a large ass and you find him sexy."
"Hey! That's invasion of privacy!"
"Yes it is. Good day, I'm off to see your manager. I shall order him to stock protein bars."
XxX
Vader sighed as he took his groceries back to his quarters. The manager had had a big ass indeed, just like that homosexual employee had imagined. Though, the man was also half rancor and did not understand basic. Translators were far too expensive, and Vader feared the manager might get angry and rip his head off if he did not leave. Even for Sith, nothing matched a rancor.
After unloading his supply of necessary items, Vader headed to the bridge to appoint a new captain after murdering What-his-Face.
The supreme commander of the Imperial Navy pointed at a random crew member as he strode onto the bridge.
"You," Vader stated. "You are captain now, do not disappoint me or I will lock you in a room with that man in the Imp-Mart."
"Thank you Lord Vader, I promise I wont," said the new captain enthusiastically."
"I doubt that. By the way, what is your name?"
"Tes Tes."
"You have the same first and last name?"
"I was brought up in the slums."
"That's too bad, very well captain Tes. Do you have any news about the Rebels?"
"Yeah," said Tes, he pointed out the viewport. "Isn't that one of their ships?"
"Holy shit! That's Princess Leia's ship! Capture it, I sense she is on a Rebel mission."
"Right! You twits heard Lord Vader, set the laser cannons for stun, I want that ship!"
A/N: as my regular readers may know, I participated in a series of RPGs started by the author Swim Angel (whose fic The Worst Thing, I highly recommend). To make a long story short, I now firmly believe RPGs are evil and vow never to join one ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever again! It has seriously made me lose my desire to write much of anything, so I'm writing this comedy fic to get back into it. Mostly because I find comedy easy, and not all that difficult to plot, hehehehe. Please enjoy my getting back my bearings, and as always, I'd appreciate it if you clicked review.