To Truly Live
Prologue
---I knew Seph. Probably better than any other man alive (or dead for that matter). Yes he was cold, But I alone know that the icy persona my friend portrayed was simply a shell to hide a swirling mass of insecurities. Growing up the way he was forced to, how could one help but feel slightly less than human? Yes, but I think I could tell you exactly what was going on in that head of his. His own fears being squelched by the fears of others. Fear was who he was. It was the only way he could keep from being hurt again. He was so afraid of being looked down upon, that he made himself a miles length in the other direction. Oh, man....thinking back on what it took to get through to him..... to get under that shell.... and for what? Because I understood how he felt. I understood what it was like to be singled out as the nerd....the ugly kid...the group outcast.... and I couldn't wait to leave that decrepit little town and never look back. I couldn't wait to make a name for myself, and not let the people of my hometown in on any of the glory. The drive for that glory is clearly what caused me to shoot up the ranks so quickly...what caused me to eventually become Seph's second in command.
Unlike the other recruits, I wasn't awed by the presence of the "Great Sephiroth". I had my own agenda, and he was simply another obstacle in my quest for ultimate glory. While most just wanted to work along side the General, I wanted to be better. I wanted to be ShinRa's new first in command. That dream was quickly disposed of, however, the first time I saw the man fight. His skill was flawless, and frankly unmatchable. I suppose I was content with my position at that point anyhow. I had my own hefty share of power, and being Sephiroth's second in command also had other...pretty...benefits. ....But I digress. yes....back to Seph. Seph was scary. The man rarely spoke, and when he did, the tone in his voice was enough to make a man piss his pants. He stayed to himself constantly.... only leaving his quarters for the occasional drill session, or those strange daily trips to headquarters. I began to map his moods in an attempt to un-code my superior. If insecurity drove perfection for him, as it did me, then this guy was one walking mass of insecurity. Never one to pass up the chance at a new friendship, I wanted to get to the bottom of it.
In the morning, before his appointments at the HQ, he seemed pensive and on edge. Upon his return he was downright grouchy..... although I'm sure I'm the only person who noticed the change. The others didn't pay that kind of attention; 'The General's just being a bastard again'.
I watched him a lot when he didn't think anyone was around, and to my strong amusement, he regularly talked to himself. ...Though he was no friendlier to himself than anyone else..... It was usually done in self conscious whispers, glancing around fervently, making sure no one was around to hear. I remember one particular occasion passing by his office, hearing the word "shut up" whispered furiously over and over. That was the day it hit me just how messed up my superior was. Whatever caused his current mental state, I knew made my own problems seem petty. I was determined to break through and help this....person. Little did I know that the fight for his trust would be this SOLDIER's hardest battle.
.....But when the battle was finally won, the prize was mine and mine alone. Seph clung too me like a child to a parent, which I didn't mind, because he was clearly broken over the fact that he had none. Behind that rocky exterior was a maelstrom of emotion that was strangling the man, but for the longest time, he still refused to speak. In the beginning, our relationship involved myself doing all the talking and Seph excelling at the job of world's-best-listener. I, of course, was overjoyed when those roles switched. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. Once again I was bugging him to talk to me... 'c'mon Seph, It'll make you feel better'..... the usual prodding.... And suddenly he slammed his arm down upon my desk, directly in front of my, and tore through his wrist frantically with his own nails... His eyes finally loosing that neutral state. I remember watching horrified as blood ran onto the surface below, and frantically reached to apply pressure against the wound, to prevent my friend's frenzied suicide. I was even more awestruck as the wound began to mend itself right before my eyes, leaving not even so much as a scar. I looked up clearly questioningly at Seph. "This is my problem.... well the root of it anyway." he said. I glanced once again toward his arm, then back at Seph. He was smiling.
Soon after, I found out all about his past. Growing up as an experiment, being kept in a lab just waiting for the next group of tests to be performed. No mother or father, no other children his age..... well at least none that didn't treat him like a freak. I also found out what those daily trips to headquarters involved. More tests.... they were required of him if he wished to hold his position in SOLDIER.... I suppose even a man as powerful as Sephiroth was simply another commodity at ShinRa's disposal. .... And so he would submit willingly to the poking and prodding on a daily basis. All I could do was be there. The things that were done to him made me sick.
Over the next few years we were inseparable. We were a team; Zack and Sephiroth. I of course, gained respect as the only person to ever be in Sephiroth's good graces. That's not why I was there though. The respect was nice, but not as nice as the feeling of having somebody that I was truly close too. Seph never doubted my intentions for a moment. His trust may have been hard won, but it was also steadfast and unbreakable. He had finally found someone who truly cared about him.... not about his strength, or his image, or his reaction to some injection, ...but him. I couldn't help but feel the same way.
...Seph told me once that he was afraid of loosing his mind. It was the most anyone ever confided in me, and I couldn't help but think of those many times I had heard him talking to himself. Yes, I knew Seph.... I knew how much he treasured his precious brain as though it were his only possession. Sephiroth was a man who was a genius at holding himself together. The loss of his mental faculties would be worse than death, so Seph made me promise him one day..... he made me promise that I would kill him should his mind ever be lost.
...........I miss my friend.---
******************************
Author's notes: I've had this fic in my head for a long while now, so I figured I'd go ahead and post the prologue just to get it started. The other chapters with probably be quite long. This story with take place within the lifestream (for the first part). I don't know if I should give away the couplings....but that's probably pretty important to know, so I'll go ahead and say; look for Seph/Aeris/Zack implications going every wich way. I don't want to say any more than that though. Please R/R chapter 1 coming soon :-)
Prologue
---I knew Seph. Probably better than any other man alive (or dead for that matter). Yes he was cold, But I alone know that the icy persona my friend portrayed was simply a shell to hide a swirling mass of insecurities. Growing up the way he was forced to, how could one help but feel slightly less than human? Yes, but I think I could tell you exactly what was going on in that head of his. His own fears being squelched by the fears of others. Fear was who he was. It was the only way he could keep from being hurt again. He was so afraid of being looked down upon, that he made himself a miles length in the other direction. Oh, man....thinking back on what it took to get through to him..... to get under that shell.... and for what? Because I understood how he felt. I understood what it was like to be singled out as the nerd....the ugly kid...the group outcast.... and I couldn't wait to leave that decrepit little town and never look back. I couldn't wait to make a name for myself, and not let the people of my hometown in on any of the glory. The drive for that glory is clearly what caused me to shoot up the ranks so quickly...what caused me to eventually become Seph's second in command.
Unlike the other recruits, I wasn't awed by the presence of the "Great Sephiroth". I had my own agenda, and he was simply another obstacle in my quest for ultimate glory. While most just wanted to work along side the General, I wanted to be better. I wanted to be ShinRa's new first in command. That dream was quickly disposed of, however, the first time I saw the man fight. His skill was flawless, and frankly unmatchable. I suppose I was content with my position at that point anyhow. I had my own hefty share of power, and being Sephiroth's second in command also had other...pretty...benefits. ....But I digress. yes....back to Seph. Seph was scary. The man rarely spoke, and when he did, the tone in his voice was enough to make a man piss his pants. He stayed to himself constantly.... only leaving his quarters for the occasional drill session, or those strange daily trips to headquarters. I began to map his moods in an attempt to un-code my superior. If insecurity drove perfection for him, as it did me, then this guy was one walking mass of insecurity. Never one to pass up the chance at a new friendship, I wanted to get to the bottom of it.
In the morning, before his appointments at the HQ, he seemed pensive and on edge. Upon his return he was downright grouchy..... although I'm sure I'm the only person who noticed the change. The others didn't pay that kind of attention; 'The General's just being a bastard again'.
I watched him a lot when he didn't think anyone was around, and to my strong amusement, he regularly talked to himself. ...Though he was no friendlier to himself than anyone else..... It was usually done in self conscious whispers, glancing around fervently, making sure no one was around to hear. I remember one particular occasion passing by his office, hearing the word "shut up" whispered furiously over and over. That was the day it hit me just how messed up my superior was. Whatever caused his current mental state, I knew made my own problems seem petty. I was determined to break through and help this....person. Little did I know that the fight for his trust would be this SOLDIER's hardest battle.
.....But when the battle was finally won, the prize was mine and mine alone. Seph clung too me like a child to a parent, which I didn't mind, because he was clearly broken over the fact that he had none. Behind that rocky exterior was a maelstrom of emotion that was strangling the man, but for the longest time, he still refused to speak. In the beginning, our relationship involved myself doing all the talking and Seph excelling at the job of world's-best-listener. I, of course, was overjoyed when those roles switched. I remember that day as though it were yesterday. Once again I was bugging him to talk to me... 'c'mon Seph, It'll make you feel better'..... the usual prodding.... And suddenly he slammed his arm down upon my desk, directly in front of my, and tore through his wrist frantically with his own nails... His eyes finally loosing that neutral state. I remember watching horrified as blood ran onto the surface below, and frantically reached to apply pressure against the wound, to prevent my friend's frenzied suicide. I was even more awestruck as the wound began to mend itself right before my eyes, leaving not even so much as a scar. I looked up clearly questioningly at Seph. "This is my problem.... well the root of it anyway." he said. I glanced once again toward his arm, then back at Seph. He was smiling.
Soon after, I found out all about his past. Growing up as an experiment, being kept in a lab just waiting for the next group of tests to be performed. No mother or father, no other children his age..... well at least none that didn't treat him like a freak. I also found out what those daily trips to headquarters involved. More tests.... they were required of him if he wished to hold his position in SOLDIER.... I suppose even a man as powerful as Sephiroth was simply another commodity at ShinRa's disposal. .... And so he would submit willingly to the poking and prodding on a daily basis. All I could do was be there. The things that were done to him made me sick.
Over the next few years we were inseparable. We were a team; Zack and Sephiroth. I of course, gained respect as the only person to ever be in Sephiroth's good graces. That's not why I was there though. The respect was nice, but not as nice as the feeling of having somebody that I was truly close too. Seph never doubted my intentions for a moment. His trust may have been hard won, but it was also steadfast and unbreakable. He had finally found someone who truly cared about him.... not about his strength, or his image, or his reaction to some injection, ...but him. I couldn't help but feel the same way.
...Seph told me once that he was afraid of loosing his mind. It was the most anyone ever confided in me, and I couldn't help but think of those many times I had heard him talking to himself. Yes, I knew Seph.... I knew how much he treasured his precious brain as though it were his only possession. Sephiroth was a man who was a genius at holding himself together. The loss of his mental faculties would be worse than death, so Seph made me promise him one day..... he made me promise that I would kill him should his mind ever be lost.
...........I miss my friend.---
******************************
Author's notes: I've had this fic in my head for a long while now, so I figured I'd go ahead and post the prologue just to get it started. The other chapters with probably be quite long. This story with take place within the lifestream (for the first part). I don't know if I should give away the couplings....but that's probably pretty important to know, so I'll go ahead and say; look for Seph/Aeris/Zack implications going every wich way. I don't want to say any more than that though. Please R/R chapter 1 coming soon :-)