A/N: Alright...!
We, my dear readers, need to talk. I've been away from the writing scene for a good while now, and I've been thinking. NO I am not quitting. Don't worry about that. But I have been thinking, and in that vein I wanted to try something...new, I guess? Anyhow, this was born from that.
I'm trying a TENTATIVE self insert based on a rather painful event I was just in. Still alive, though!
Anywho! I've played all the way through Inquisition, beaten all of the DLC and I'm psyched for the next game. Trespasser was a fine way to end things, and it gave me a TON of ideas as to what I can do with this story, as well as the SHOCK I got at the end with Fen'harel. Did. Not. See. That. Coming. It's also let me to be a bit divided on the matter, too. I mean, I can understand the desire to help your people, but what about everybody else?
Ah, sod, I dunno. Too much to think about there. Anywho, I'm hoping to write a somewhat happier ending with MY Inquisitor involved in the events of Dragon Age.
I also kindly ask you to see that the Inquistor and Sera are incorrigible TROUBLEMAKERS in this! They're gonna get into all kinds of chaos! And the title? Well, that's simple. I think that it suits the mood of this story quite well, so much so in fact, that it just DEMANDED to be written. Thank you all for the suggestions and by all means keep 'em coming! I'm more than willing to listen!
And for the few who may or may not happy about Sera being in this, well, sorry, she is. I'm sorry if that upsets a few of you, but she's key to this story. In addendum, she's not going to be QUITE as ignorant towards magic and such as the story paints her out to be. In time she'll be willing to try an' see things differently...the key word being time..
Not sure about the pairing, honestly. InquisitorxSera? InquisitorxBull? OCxCassandra? OcxJosephine? Maybe something else, even! BE SURE TO VOTE! I'm more than open to suggestion, but its gonna be one wild ride regardless! Aye, and the Inquistor's name is a deliberate pun, one a certain elf is going to take no end of amusement from...
...DOOM UPON YOUR BREECHES!
Sorry if its short! I'm going for a little "surprise" vice in this first chapter here, but future chapters will be much, much, MUCH LONGER! I'm also planning a few other pure "Dragon Age" fics in the future as well, depending on whether ya'll like this one...
"It's all good, innit?"
~Serah.
Breeches
Have you ever been hit by a truck?
Its not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. Brief. Painful. Bones breaking as cold, unfeeling steel hits you. Hurls you to the ground. You'd think it'd be a quick death, no? By all means it should be; getting slammed by a drunk driver, clocking sixty while crossing the street. At least I think he was drunk. Hard to remember nowadays, after all that happened. To be fair, I THINK the bastard might have swerved a bit before he hit me, but I'm not sure. Memory gets a bit fuzzy now, thinkin' about it. I mean, that shit was RECENT but I can still barely get the details down.
Creepy.
Wait, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I mean, I can't be giving spoilers right out the gate now, can I?
So, I say again, yeah...a truck.
Nothing overly dramatic about it; I wasn't trying to save anyone, I didn't throw myself in front of a speeding vehicle to save a life or anything. Pathetic, right? I was on my way to college and morning class to be precise-determined to ignore that stubborn, assinine math professor. I suppose it was my own fault, really; wasn't paying attention, when I crossed the street. Too caught up in my own thoughts. Wondering how I was going to pay my bills, pondering what kind of story I was going to write next.
See, I'd been in a bit of a funk lately, unable to write after mangling my last work, and I felt awful for it. So there I was, idly munching on one of my roommate's freshly baked brownies. Say what you will about the slob but she does make some damn good sweets when she isn't off getting high. Speaking of high, it was, in fact, that very moment when it happened.
One minute I was walking across the street, hoping I wasn't eating some sort of pot brownie.
HONK!
Then I heard a horn.
The next...
...I was road pizza.
Right?
Nope.
(Meanwhile, a world away...)
"UNHAND MY MY BREECHES!"
Sarah Adaar, the Herald of Andraste, nearly toppled out of her bed at Cassandra's shout, righting herself with only a supreme effort. The Seeker's furious howl reverberated through the halls of the Chantry and out into Haven with fiery aplomb, ripping through the relative silence of the cloister as if it were made of wet papers Ordinarily, she might have ignored such nonsense, but the she knew the demented giggle that followed all too well, just as she knew that the conflict wouldn't likely be resolved unless someone-her!-did something about it.
Sighing, she pushed a strand of ebon hair out of her face and began to count quietly to herself as she continued her reading. She was just getting to the good part about the Knight-Captain, too! Maybe if she pretended it wasn't happening, they'd go away...
One.
Two.
Three.
Knock-knock-knock.
...damnit.
Adaar groaned, a green eye swinging away from the open book and sliding towards the door. If looks could kill...
"Who is it?"
"Uh, heeeeeey, ah, boss?" The muffled timbre of Iron Bull's drawling voice greeted her through the door, faint tones of amusement trickling through the wooden barrier between them, shaking the wooden door. "Sera's at it again. Might want to do something before the Lady Seeker chops off her head."
"That bad?" the ghost of a smile played at her lips, imagining the stoic seeker trying to tackle their resident rogue. Less than a week in Haven, and she'd already become something of a terror in her own right. Good on her, but did it HAVE to be during her reading time? Part of her recalled their words of their newest recruit only days before, that silly cheeky grin:
"You're well fit...
A muted laugh greeted her accompanied by a demented snigger, interrupted the daydream.
"Boom! Pie in the face!"
Bull laughed.
"That bad."
"Ugh...fine." The qunari warrior cast one last, longing look at her unfinished copy of Swords and Shields-neatly tucked away atop her pillow-beckoning invitingly, calling her back to bed. Hmm. It would be ohhh so easy to ignore this morning ruckus and just roll back into bed, forget about it. But no, she was up and out of bed now, there was no point in going back, no matter how warm the covers might be.
"Boss? You in there?"
Sarah lingered a moment longer before giving up the ghost.
"Damnit."
"C'mon, sleepyhead!"
"Coming!" Donning her leather armor and ducking through the door-they really had to work on making them larger-she grabbed the handle and swung it open...and immediately regretted that decision. Shit! Piss! Fuck! Andraste's great flaming ass! All at once the bitter chill of Haven assaulted her, drawing a flush to her grey cheeks, a chilly breeze sending her dark hair flying into her face. Haircut, she reminded herself, idly massaging the polished tip of a horn with her off hand. Another item on her ever-increasing agenda once they secured the templar/mage's aid. So much to do, so much to do...
"Hello, dear." To her infinite disbelief, Vivienne was also there to greet her as she emerged, though her dark face puckered slightly as he beheld the Herald in full armor. "Expecting trouble?"
"Can't hurt to be safe, right?" She shrugged, rolling her thick shoulders with an audible clank, "Bull, where are they?"
The hulking warrior tilted his horns towards the entrance. "By the gate."
"Good." She took one step outside her cabin-
BOOM.
The blast struck almost precisely at the second step, an abrupt flare of green and white light plummeting from the heavens to splinter the ground, the shockwave hurling her backwards into the Iron Bull. A grunt rose from the larger qunari as he caught her, large arms securing her shoulders, steadying them both against the storm. Over the rush of wind and fire, she thought she heard a shout, saw Vivienne raise a hand. The faint shimmer of a barrier flickered to life between them and flying debris, bits of stone and wood caroming harmlessly off the mage's shield.
Then, as swiftly as it had begun, it ended. Like a sudden thunderclap from the heavens themselves, the very sky itself gave one, final rumble, and all went still.
Above, the Breach seemed to seethe ominously overhead, a portent of silent doom.
A sudden, sharp burst of wind blew the dirt and grit away from the epicenter of the blast. Once the dust had settled, she saw the there was surprisingly little destruction beyond a few burning embers that'd made their way past the barrier. But panic pervaded their home. Soldiers scuttled madly about, desperately trying to restore order in a world that seemed to have gone momentarily mad. Townsfolk darted this way and that, like frightened nugs, not knowing what to do.
And Sarah saw it all.
A plume of thick, black smoke arose just beyond Haven's main gate, its dark, noxious fumes beckoning almost invitingly. The Herald felt a lump of ice leap into her throat as she saw it. She turned and shook herself free in an instant, fixing Bull with a slight, nervous stare.
"Where did you say Sera and Cassandra were, again?"
Bull paled.
"Ah, crap."
Vivienne was already moving, staff crackling with sparks.
"To the gates!"
There was something else about the blast that she'd noticed, as well:
It had felt almost...
...alive?
...COLD!"
I know, understatement of the century, right?
Snow is cold.
I may be stating the obvious here, but it is!
"Alive. Bleeding. Hurts, it hurts...
Well, that was my next thought when I woke to a faceful of snow, wet and freezing. My body cared for nothing else, save the fact that I was currently freezing my balls of and sopping wet. That was the first and foremost item in my mind, and with that, my body jerked sluggishly back to the world of the waking and I stumbled upright. Now, I didn't claim to be extraordinarily fit or built by any means, but I was no slouch; years of running track, in high school coupled, by the occasional morning jog before college gave me enough endurance to stand. So I stood...
...and nearly collapsed when my right lef gave out beneath me.
"Motherfucking bitch whore shit stick!" An involuntary string of curses leapt from my lips, nearly drowning out the agony coming from my legs. Right. Legs. Pain. Broken. Truck. Truck? TRUCK! With that, my mind finally rebooted and I remembered. Walking across a street. Horn. Noises. Truck. Crap. No time, no time, no TIME-
That was the last thing I remembered.
By rights I should be dead. A red mess, all over the road. So why the hell was I here, in a snowdrift? There was no such snow in the summer! Certainly not in New York! Yet in spite of my lack of sight, each of my hands felt nothing but the white stuff whenever I reached out. In the distance I thought I heard noises. Animals? Voices? A cold, biting wind blew across my body, eliciting a fresh round of protests from my wounds.
"Alright...I'm alive." I muttered, dusting myself off. "And here. The fuck is here?"
Craning my neck, I reluctantly looked up and opened my eyes.
My vision resolved itself slowly, what was left of it, that is. I was fairly certain I'd lost an eye; that, or it was swollen shut. Regardless, I eventually found myself staring at a dark, dreary sky, dashes of cerulean hidden behind curtains of grey. And there at the center of it all, circling, seeming to pull everything in like a giant maelstrom, bright and green. For what felt like a full minute I simply stared at it, trying to decipher what I was looking at, what it was, what it could be...
Huh.
Big green hole in the sky.
Wait a minute.
Big.
Green.
Hole.
In.
The.
Sky.
"Huh. Its just the Breach-what the fuck?!"
Panic seized me and throttled me, senselessly. I sat up as best I could in my sundered state, my vision yawing wildly as I glanced frantically about. Panic warred with indecision as I took in my surroundings; all the while it felt as though my heart was about to beat clear out of my chest. Hole in the sky? Check. Nothing but snow and mountains as far as the eye could see?! Check. No signs of civilization? Check. Good. For a moment I'd almost thought...
...aw, piss.
My heart dropped into my stomach, as I caught a flash of brown in my peripheral vision; then promptly leaped back into my throat as I turned to behold it. Somewhat distant, perhaps, but still present. I recognized the large, old stone building at the center, and even from here, I could see the banner, flapping in the breeze. A bright eye, enshrouded by flames. Now that I noticed that I saw other things; such as the smoldering crater, only a few yards away, the people, rapidly gathering at the gate, the blood on my hands...
Even stricken as I was didn't take me long to realize where I'd landed, the sight had been burned into my mind through countless games. It was impossible to forget. I'd seen this place many times before, and so had my sister. Odd, that I'd think of her now, but I digress. Regardless, I knew what I was looking at.
Haven.
Despite my delirious state, my mind made the connection almost immediately. Two and two came together and I guffawed, openly. A loud, delirious laugh exploded out of my throat and I toppled over backwards, head in the snow, uncaring for the cool chill that shot up the back of my head. Yes, I was dead. Had to be. Unless...maybe it was that brownie I'd eaten? No. No way. No kind of trip could do this! This had to be a dream o-or something! Something out of a novel! I couldn't have written a better story if I'd tried!
"No fucking way...
"There's the arse-biscuit!"
I nearly laughed at the distant laugh; right before the arrow planted itself between my legs. Not so funny, after that. I felt the blood drain from my face. No no no nonononono! No arrow to the face, please! Or the knee! OR anywhere else, mind you!
Shing!
In the next instant, a sword was drawn; somewhere close, too. I recognized that angry hiss of an escaping blade anywhere, and in that instant, decided I wasn't going to stick around to see who wanted to chop me up into little bloody bits.
"Shit!" I flailed bodily at the sudden attack but that only earned my a bash on the back of the head, slamming me face-first into the snow. Instinct took over. I crab-walked backwards, skittering away from my assailant as fast as my arms and ruined legs could carry me. Which was not, I might add, terribly far. I made it no more than four paces before my attacker pounced, pinning me to the drifts. Something firm and heavy settled in and on my chest, then naked steel caressed my jugular, impeding all movement.
Wisely, I stopped struggling after that.
"Identify yourself!"a thick, accented voice demanded.
I knew that voice.
Despite my better judgement I turned my head to face my captor, wincing slightly as I did so.
Ah.
All stern stubborness and cheekbones, armor and grit. Eyes glittering like angry opals. Her jaw, set like stone, a firm and immovable pivot. I'd romanced the ever-loving shit out of her countless times in Dragon Age. Ah, and did I forget to mention the sword? Well, she had one. A. Sword. She had a sword. A sharp sword. A very pointy sword. Currently, said sword was pointed just under my chin, ready to lop off my head at the slightest provocation. That should have been enough to make me soil myself, but I didn't; because incredibly, I knew this woman.
I was looking at Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast.
"Whoa!" my eyes cut right as a mad cackle broke the silence, followed by a red and yellow blur interposing itself over my vision. "Cuttin' right to it, eh? Didn' know you were like that, lady seeker!" A low growl from said Seeker cut the elf's vitriol short.
"Be quiet, Sera! I'm in no mood for your games!"
"Pbbbbbbbbth!" She stuck out her tongue, grinning.
"Uh, hello? Can you let me up...please? Choking, here."
The cut was sudden and fast, slicing through my blue shirt like butter, drawing blood. I hissed softly.
"Who are you?!" Cassandra demanded anew of me, pressing her blade to my throat with incredible force, trying to make me talk, no doubt. More questions rained down around me, louder than any blows. "What is you want, mage! Why have you attacked us?! Are you working for the Venatori?! Or the Lord Seeker?!"
"Mage?!" Now it was my turn to feel outrage. "Look, lady," I ground out, "I ain't no damn-
THUMP.
"Piss!" Sera jumped half a foot in the air as a nearby tree abruptly uprooted itself and jumped into the sky. I would've too, but you know, reasons. That, and the blade at my throat. Instead I stared, goggled eyed at the abrupt defiance of gravity, watching as the tree hurtled into the distance. Huh. Oh, that was new...
...mage." I finished with a deadpan. Could a mage even do that?! Don't think so! I just...thought...and it happened. So what-
When Cassandra's face swung back to meet mine, her wrath was positively apocalyptic and it drove all such thoughts out the window.
"SPEAK!"
Faced with such terrifying fury, I still had the gall to croak out:
"Erm...none of the above?"
Silenced reigned, heavy in its supremacy.
"The cake is a lie?" I tried in vain, offering a sheepish smile.
Cassandra made a disgusted noise.
I realized the Seeker was going to hit me, then. Her eyes hardened and her free hand drew back, knuckles clenched for what promised to be a painful roundhouse. I don't know why, but I felt the need to get in one last jibe before she punched my head in. Call it a foolish thing, but I regret nothing. If I was going out like this, I was damn near going out with style!
"Wait...wait!" I cried, throwing up my hands! "I do have something to say."
Cassandra paused. I drew a deep breath and readied myself to speak.
My shit-eating grin would made Alucard proud, I think.
"Lady Seeker's got no underpants!"
"HA!"
Sera went from being outright terrified of me to outright giggling, and I had the sweet sight of watching Cassandra's face purple mere moments before I saw stars. Knocked me right the fuck out, she did. One hit. Out cold. Still, I had just enough time for one last thought. Dragon Age. Alive, when I should have been dead, NEEDED to be dead. Instead I was here. In Haven. Not exactly making the best start, either, mind you. Which leaves one of two explanations, really.
Either this was one HELL of a trip, or...
...I'd somehow found my way into the wonderful-and I say so with sarcasm!-world of Thedas.
Damn.
A/N: Wham, bam, and there you go! I wanted to try getting away from my Naruto-centric fics and try something a touch different. A self insert, inspired by Hypermuffins "Misadventures in Another World." Naturally this just...stuck out for me, ya know? Inquisition is a madhouse, one where you can do just about anything! So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly!
R&R~! =D