Wrote this a while ago but forgot all about it. This is Hotch's version of acting his feelings for Morgan; it follows 'I'm not gay, am I?', but can stand alone. Parts of the conversation in this story is exactly like the conversation in "I'm not gay, am I?"
This is SLASH (or very close too it) meaning Male/Male loving. Rated M because of sexual content, nothing too explicit though. That, and I'm paranoid. Enjoy!
Still I'm standing tall
Even before his divorce Aaron Hotchner had realized his attraction towards the same sex, or at the very least his attraction towards a particular man, Derek Morgan. Hotch had been having fantasies about having a sexual relationship with a man since collage but he never acted on it. He wouldn't of course, he had Haley, and he did love her very much. The divorce changed things though, and Hotch started to experiment.
He remembered a conversation he had with his collage roommate shortly after he divorced Haley. They had discussed a mutual friend who recently had announced him being homosexual. Hotch had then admitted to being sexually attracted to some males and that he wanted to try having a sexual encounter with another male.
After his first night spent with someone of the same sex Hotch was convinced that this was the kind of sex he wanted to have in the future. It had always felt like something was missing with Haley, and now he realized it was due to the fact that she was female. They were high school sweethearts and he had loved her deeply, but Aaron Hotchner was a gay man, probably always had been.
Unfortunately the man who attracted him most was a known ladies-man, the definition of a womanizer. Somehow every man Hotch had a physical relationship with resembled Morgan one way or the other. He couldn't help it, Morgan was who he wanted.
After returning to work after the whole Foyet-incidents Hotch had noticed some changes in the younger man. Morgan seemed to be watching him more than he used to in the past. Or maybe this was Hotch's imagination.
Still he felt hopeful. The daydreaming and fantasies he had when he first realized his attraction towards Morgan returned. They had just returned from what he knew was his last case as unit chief for a while. Morgan was to replace him temporarily. During the entire flight back Hotch had to struggle not to simply stare at the object of his affection. Morgan sat across from him, listening to music with his eyes shut.
He thought about a conversation he had with Rossi a few days before the case. Rossi had called him out, demanding to now the reason Hotch seemed so happy when e was in the presence of the younger agent. Apparently Hotch had been smiling more lately, even though so many bad things had taken place lately. Knowing there was no idea to try to lie to the senior profiler Hotch had confessed.
"Ofcourse Dave would now, that man notices everything." Hotch thought. "Maybe I should ask him if he too have noticed Morgan staring at me? But what if it is just my imagination? I better wait."
His thought soon drifted towards the color of Morgan's eyes, the shape of his face and his muscled chest and stomach. He wanted him so badly. He wanted to feel those lips on his. Wanted to put his hands on that muscular chest. The progression of Hotch's thoughts couldn't be stopped from this point and he felt his growing erection. Luckily Jack was still with Jessica.
Hotch stroked himself through his boxer briefs when had e removed his pants? He pretended his hands where Morgan's. Far too quickly he felt the familiar sensation of being close to his release.
"Uhnn, Derek!" he moaned loudly when he came.
Though not the first time he had fantasized about Morgan he felt a little shameful. He realized however that this would not be the last time.
On the team's first case with Morgan as unit chief they had to share rooms. Morgan roomed with Reid like always when they had to double. Hotch wished that the pairing had been different this time since he felt he wanted to speak to Morgan. He was now convinced that Morgan was watching him more than ever, and Hotch intended to confront the dark agent as to why. Of course, Morgan might be watching him to figure out if Hotch really were okay after all he had been through lately.
Hotch did however feel a tiny bit of hope, there was a chance, even if it felt small, but the chance Morgan felt something for him was there, right? At least Hotch wanted to believe so. "I should talk to Dave. Maybe he knows or suspects something. He did after all find out about my feelings for Morgan." Hotch thought. Since he was sharing a room with the senior agent he would have the perfect opportunity to speak to Rossi in private.
"Goodnight everyone" JJ said before she and Prentiss walked into the room they were sharing.
When Rossi closed the door to their room Hotch sat down on his bed and sighed loudly.
"Aaron?"
"Hmm? Yes Dave?"
"Do you want to talk? About Morgan?"
Hotch chuckled. "You're a damn mind reader Dave. But yes, I would like to discuss Morgan."
"Nah, just a very good profiler" Rossi chuckled. "My guess is that you want to ask me if I've noticed the fact that Morgan has been keeping closer attention to you lately?"
"I stick to the mind reader comment. Yes that is exactly what I wanted to ask you. So you have noticed his behavior changing?"
"Yes I have, like I said, I am a very good profiler" Rossi smiled. "And no, I do not think it's just to find out if you're okay. Maybe it was at first, but honestly Aaron, you've been acting much like you're usual self. Incredible considering."
"You really think it might be more to his behavior? I… Well, I just don't want to get my hopes up for nothing."
"Yes Aaron. Honestly, the man can barely keep his eyes away from you. It's subtle enough for the major part of the team to not take immediate notice, but even though Morgan is a skilled profiler he doesn't compare to either of our profiling-abilities. If it were to continue like this however, the team will notice eventually. I suggest you speak to Morgan after the case."
Hotch laid back on his bed, processing Rossi's words. He felt slightly more hopeful that this could infact lead to something, but he wasn't convinced. "I guess I'll have to speak to Morgan" he thought.
"Thanks Dave" was all he said before waking to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
"Anytime Aaron, anytime."
Back at Quantico after returning from the case Hotch sat in his office, trying to do his paperwork. He had decided to talk to Morgan tonight, maybe suggest grabbing a beer. Convinced that Morgan would stay later than everyone else on the team due to his new position Hotch picked up his phone.
"Hey Jess, do you mind having Jack for the night?"
"Sure Aaron, no problem!" Jessica replied on the other end.
"Thank you, I'll pick him up from your place tomorrow." He said before ending the call. As much as he loved and missed his son Hotch felt he had to do this tonight, otherwise he'd probably chicken out.
After a while he gave up on actually getting any work done.
"Dave!" he called when he saw Rossi was about to leave for the evening.
"Yes?"
"Bullpen empty?"
"Yes, everyone seems to have left, part from yourself and Morgan."
"Thank you Dave. Have a good weekend, hopefully I won't have too see you until Monday" Hotch smiled.
"Yes, let's be hopeful, that's always working out for us" Rossi joked. "And Aaron?"
"Mmm?"
"Good luck" Rossi grinned before leavning.
Hotch remained at his desk for a few minutes. Suddenly he felt very nervous. "I have to do this now" he thought, forcing himself to get up and leave his office, heading to the office Garcia and managed to arrange for Morgan's use. When he was outside he took a deep breath to calm his nerves before knocking.
"Come in!" he heard Morgan's voice call.
"Hey Morgan, I figured you'd still be here. Garcia did a nice job on your office."
"Hotch!"
Hotch watched the large pile of paperwork on the new unit chief's desk. It was fewer files than he was used to doing as Hotch still did parts of the work intended for the unit chief. He felt Morgan did not need to know that, and this was far more paperwork than he younger agent was used to.
"How's it going?" he asked, nodding towards the stack of files on Morgan's desk.
"Man, I don't know how you do this!" Morgan sighed, looking down at the table.
Hotch felt a small smile enter his face.
"Sometimes I don't either" he began. "Just don't over-do it. And ask for help if you need it." Hotch paused for a second, taking another deep breath. "This is it" he thought.
"Anyway, I was about to head out, but I thought I'd stop by and see if you were too. I was sort of thinking about grabbing a beer or something, going home to an empty house is not that tempting."
Hotch hoped that Morgan would offer to join him after his last words, he felt like the words wouldn't come out if he had to ask.
"I could go for a beer, if you want company? Oh, wait, what about Jack?" Morgan asked.
At the younger agent's words Hotch felt almost giddy.
"Jack is with his aunt for the night. And I'd love some company" he replied, unable to stop the small smile he felt spreading.
"Alright, then let's head out!"
"Let me grab my coat." Hotch suddenly realized he didn't drive here before the case. Morgan usually drove to work though. "Oh, and do you have your car here? I lent mine to Jessica, her car broke down."
"Yeah man, I drove here."
It was a short drive to the bar the team usually visited whenever hey decided to go out for drinks. Since I was Friday the place was almost full. The only unoccupied table was a corner-booth. They sat in silence for a while. Hotch took a few sips of his beer simply to keep occupied and watch Morgan open and close his mouth repeatedly as if trying to say something.
"So…" Hotch finally said, unable to stand the silence anymore. "Rossi talked to me…"
"Oh? About anything interesting?" Morgan asked, feigning innocent.
"Quite interesting, yes" Hotch almost said as he met Morgan's eyes, feeling a bit more confident but still nervous. "He talked to me about you" he continued, not able to make his voice go beyond a whisper.
He felt his heart skip a beat, eyes still locked with Morgan's, the younger man's eyes looked different, more emotional somehow.
"And? What did he tell you?" Morgan asked after a few moments of silence.
Hotch took a small sip of his beer before answering.
"He said that he had noticed you, well, watching me. Is it true?" He was unable to tell Morgan he had noticed the younger man's stares too. It might make the dark skinned man more uncomfortable.
They sat in silence for a few moments again, eyes still locked.
"It's true" Morgan mumbled in reply.
"Why?" Hotch demanded. This was it, he would finally know if Morgan might return his feelings. Hopefully he would.
"What do you want me to say man? I like you! I have been watching you laetely because I have feelings for you!" Morgan blurted.
Hotch couldn't believe it. "Did he just say…" he thought.
"You have feelings for me? How? When?" Hotch blurted before shrugging his head slightly, he had to ask. "I thought you were straight?"
"I don't know, man" Morgan said weakly. "Lately I've been… something more for you… Fuck man, I just feel so confused. Please Hotch, just… I don't know, try to forget about this. I don't wan't to ruin…"
"Morgan… Derek." Hotch interrupted. "You have not ruined anything. Look, the reason Rossi told me anything at all is because he knows I…" he paused to clear his throat. "Rossi knows I have feelings for you Derek."
Hotch watched Morgan's stunned expression as the other man processed what had been said. To his relief Morgan's stunned expression changed slightly to an expression of relieved happiness. Hotch's relief to Morgan's reaction was so strong he didn't even notice that he was leaning in, his face closing in on Morgan's. The other man lifted his gaze from the table and their eyes met.
Their lips met. Morgan's lips where soft and warm against his. Hotch soon realized the other man wasn't kissing him back. Mortified and feeling a little heartbroken he pulled back. "I guess I misread the situation" he thought before speaking.
"De… Morgan." He began, deciding to use the last name rather than the given name to try salvaging the situation. "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have…"
His apology was interrupted when he felt Morgan's strong hand at the back of his neck. He felt himself being pulled towards the younger man and within seconds Morgan's lips crushed against his. Hotch didn't hesitate a moment before returning the kiss. Morgan's kiss felt amazing, never in his life had Hotch dreamed a kiss could feel this good.
Alright, a trip into the mind of the alluring Aaron Hotchner! Loved it/hated it, let me know!
Zandii is happy when she receives reviews!