I looked in the mirror at the reflection of a 14 years old me, my dark brown hair straightened. In some sections frizzed, untamed in others, smoothly pulled behind my ear. My face was pale but my cheeks bright red from my constant crying.
I wiped the last of my tears away from my light green eyes, swollen and bloodshot. One escaping tumbling down my cheek and into my mouth, it tasted of the ocean when you are stranded and alone in the middle.
I wore a muted black dress, with no detail, no extra fabrics making it look beautiful. It was stale…ordinary. My shoes were unadorned black, with no heel or laces to tie up my ankle.
I turned away from my unbearable reflection, concentrating on not falling to the floor and curling up into a ball, letting my sobs break free and take me away.
Moving at an incredibly slow pace, I counted the regretful steps as I stumbled down the stairs that lead me to the world of my omen.
One, two, three….I paused trying to manipulate my broken breaths. Four, five, six, seven….. eight, nine….I sat down on the tenth step, pulling my knees up to my chest, rocking back and forth; almost toppling over the last three steps left.
Unwillingly my eyes closed, seeing a field of grass releasing small flora into the wind. Sharing the beautiful place, an oak tree, shook its colorful leaves as the flora danced by. Under the peaceful oak, a dark haired woman smiled a loving smile at me her blue eyes happy, She embraced me in a warm hug...
I unlocked my eyes, knowing if I watched my memory any farther I would not make it to her funeral; causing tears to stream down my face, through trails from the previous.
I sat up sluggishly, barley having enough will power to make my legs move. I dragged my feet across the wooden floor, stopping in front of dark double doors. The barricade separating me from my dead mother.
They were detailed, having carvings of angels looking up into the heavens, as if they couldn't stand to see their most precious thing taken away. As though there most precious thing should have had more time.
I traced my fingers on the angel that was crying. In the pit of my stomach, I felt I had relying equality to it. Like somehow it's trying to move on, dealing with its loved one that had passed away. And it was there to help me find my way too.
Pushing through the angel faced doors, I took the first steps inside of my own personal hell. As if the room wanted me as its prisoner, the door crept close behind me letting me know I am no longer free.
Seeing the dark wooden coffin that had secured itself to my inert mother, more tears went streaming down my face, some again finding their way into my mouth. I wanted to spit the salt water out, but I could no longer feel my body, I was unresponsive from head to toe.
Unconsciously my nerves flinched moving toward the coffin, unable to feel the balls of my feet hit the floor. I stopped, leaving a foot in between the coffin and myself. Sucking in a breath, my heart's small, dreadful beats motivated me to take the last few steps while feeling diminutive tugs guiding me the rest of the way.
Looking within the coffin, I saw my ethereal mother. Her face, including her lips, were pale white. I stared at her unopened eyes. I could see through her now-translucent skin, a faint blue color. But I didn't have to look into her eyes to see she was full of anguish, and solitude.
Lifting my hand I lightly let it descend toward her cheek. The minute my hand was upon her icy cold skin, her eyes shot open. They were a muggy blue with a white tint to them.
Her cold hand grabbed my own…
I woke up screaming, a puddle of sweat underneath my body.
My body shook as I gasped for air, I had the sudden thought I might be under water. "Miss lily…miss lily are you alright?" Aries our maid ran in with a bat in both her hands, gripping it so tightly I could picture it snapping in half, shreds of it all over the dark wooden floor.
She looked around then at me, her face was a mixture of concern and panic. Her right hand released the bat while the left let it swing by her side. She walked over to me and sat at the foot of the bed, crossing her legs.
Her trusting brown eyes filled with understanding "are you haven them dreadful nightmares again miss?" she asked softly.
I nodded, feeling my quick body spasms drift away as I slowly sunk into reality "I don't understand… I've been doing so well." I usually had these nightmares frequently, but as the years have gone by they have drifted into memories I have locked away, never to be remembered.
Her face slowly sank as she remembered my mom, they were best friends despite her working for our family. Aries had been our maid for more then eleven years. She came to us when I was only six, and she was only in her twenties.
She lifted her hand and brushed it across my cheek "yes you have." she crooned softly, again helping my body relax as her presence always had before.
To me Aries - an undyingly loving person who even if she wanted to couldn't kill a fly, was like a second mother. She has continually been there for me, when my father was not. Whether he had to fly somewhere for work, or he was passed out on the couch drunk.
"It's been three years…how can these nightmare still leave me this way, shouldn't they become easer to deal with?" my voice broke and cracked making it hard to tell if it was really me saying it.
She shook her head softly back and forth "no miss lily…just the thought of her will leave your heart aching, but eventually it will subdue along with the nightmares." I sighed, it doesn't seem fair for me to claim all the grief for one family's lose, I'm not the only one still mourning over my mother. Aries is, along with my father.
Aries has learned to utilize her emotions around us… accentually me, since my father is never around. I have only seen her cry once, and that was at my mother's funeral.
For my father… well he hasn't been able to stitch back up.
For the first year Aries and I had to support him. He became an alcoholic for a few months, but managed to quit when we indispensably needed money.
He was able to get a well paid job, but it requires him to constantly travel around the world. He has never once taken me anywhere. Ever since my mother died, it's like I don't exist, like I don't have a father. The only way I acknowledge he knows I'm alive is when he sends me money that I don't ever want. Occasionally he sends me a birthday card, then again it doesn't ever have my veracious age written on it.
I swung my legs over the side of my bed, "well, I better get ready for school since I'm already up." I almost groaned.
"The last day of school until your senior year, making it a good one." she smiled, her face was the reflection of my mothers. I badly wanted to stay home, I could already feel my mind getting ready to drift into unconsciousness. But I was also consciously aware that if I were to sleep I might have another night mare. And strangely enough I could feel my body awake and ready for a task I haven't even found yet.
I giggled, " I kind of have a feeling something exciting is going to happen today."
She smiled "Alright then, I'll go make your breakfast to start your exciting day." she patted my leg lightly and tiptoed out of the door.
I stumbled off of my bed lightheaded and dizzy cursing my horrible equilibrium. Opening my closet door I found a pair of dark denim jeans and a comfortable shirt. Nightmares always warn me when the day isn't going to be the unsurpassed, and those days I try and dress comfortably .
I peeked at my night stand alarm clock, it wasn't even six A.M yet. I folded my clothes and set them on my bed, then ran and changed into my bathing suit. Since I had woken up early, there was time for me to take a morning swim in the small lake behind my house.
Grabbing my towel, I flew down the stairs glancing at Aries while she laughed, happy my mood had turned down a nicer road.
Swinging the back door open, I breathed in a gulp of morning air; it smelt of newly cut grass and dew. The one sent that can fully clear my mind from all the bad that has filled it.
I ran down my dirt path, feeling the cold morning for the first time today- The type of morning when you should curl up in bed reading the note book , the window open with the light breeze fanning your face and a small cup of hot tea.
I dropped my towel on the beach away from the water's edge. My feat glided inches from the current, digging my toes into the sand, making small holes in the earth. A wave of serenity hit me the moment the cold water slid across my toes. But that didn't stop me from running in, diving head first into the murky water.
When I'm in the water I can forget everything. For some reason the water has always brought me peace.
I swam all the way to the bottom, flouting there I could feel the muddy dirt my current had pushed out of its still placement.
Hovering, I waited until my lungs began to burn before I shot out of the water, feeling the relief when they were full of oxygen.
I grinned exuberant, I can't remember the last time I was able to swim in the mornings. I floated on top of the water for a while listening the birds sing there morning songs.
Why can't everything be as simple as a bird's life? Having my dad unconscious on the couch, with more than a dozen beer bottles at his feet, I would always wish I could fly away. Take care of myself for once instead of him. when my mother died I would have loved to help my family with anything, but my father just took advantage of the fact, I handle death better then he can, merely just the thought drives him mad.
When there songs stopped, I drifted to the water's edge and walked out, wrapping the towel around my body. I started walking slowly-taking in everything, new flowers, animals, and smells…nature- toward my house. I like to know that life goes on, and seeing how everything else seem to handle it, I guess it makes it that much easer.
I smelled the breeze that blew in my face and it smelled good. But with the mixture of the morning dew and the smell of earth, I couldn't make out what Aries had cooked me this morning. I smiled in anticipation.
I made my pace a little faster, feeling the small pebbles stick to my feet every step I took. When I reached the back door I ran the towel down the length of my body, drying myself so Aries wouldn't have to clean my mess up when I left for school. When I opened the door the smell almost made me feint, I didn't know until that moment how hungry I was.
"Miss lily, I set your breakfast on the table." I looked up at Aries, she was smiling at me. Most definitely pleased I had gone for a swim. She always knew I swam when I was happy. And I always do, but considering the awful dream I had last night I don't know why I would be.
I smiled back and sat down at the table and began to eat my breakfast. When its just Aries and I home, its always the best because its calm. We never have to worry about hearing footsteps down stares, or hearing liquor bottles smashing against the kitchen tile from a clumsy heartbroken man. Especially having to control our own tears when we here him wallowing in his room, fighting the pain raging in his heart.
In the beginning I would creep into his room and try to comfort him. Around this time my father would be so lonely and aching from pain, he would gladly let me lay beside him. He always needed a shoulder to cry on around this time, when the days were drifting to an end, and he could no longer block the wonderful, most painful memories from emerging from there prisons. When my shirt was drenched and his tears finally stopped rolling down his cheek, when there were no tears left to cry, he would always tell me "I love you honey, more then anything in this world. You're the one thing god is going to have a hard time taking away from me" silently I would let tears escape my eyes feeling as though I absorbed his, those were only moments I let myself feel pain for my father.
It didn't take long for him to exile me from his presence though, reminding him too much of my mother. At that time I stopped trying to help him through our loss, I only let his pain build until it became to much for him and he had to leave. And when that day came, I shed a tear, and I haven't given him one since.
"Miss lily, you best be eaten quickly now, school is goin to start in about hour." I looked up at the clock on the oven, instantly my body was frantic as I stuffed the last bit of pancake down my throat, and ran up the stairs yelling behind my shoulder, "thanks for breakfast Aries!"
I took a quick five minute shower, throwing my clothes on with half of my body still soaked. I put my makeup neatly on, and then my shoes. Since my hair was still wet, almost still dripping, I threw it up in a messy bun.
I grabbed my car keys and book bag running out of the door yelling "bye!"
After turning on my small sedan, I turned on the radio, listening to a sad country song that instantly made me want to scream. But driving down the road my stomach twisted into that same almost uncomfortable feeling of nervousness and excitement. I felt relief when a small smile spread across my face, " something goods going to happen today." I whispered silently to myself.