Twilight Only They're At Wal-Mart
By BenGrande
Bella looked at her beautiful vampire boyfriend Edward. He gazed intently at her.
"What do you want to do?" he asked, and as he talked his fangs moved up and down in his mouth along with the rest of his teeth, such as the molars and incisors.
Bella sighed. "I need to pick up some stuff, let's go to Wal-Mart," she said. Then every boy in school asked her to the dance.
"Ok, let's get in my car." Edward and Bella got in his car. Bella slightly stumbled as she stepped down from the curb. Edward rushed over to steady her, moving so fast that to the naked non-vampire crappy human eye it looked like he teleported. He gazed intently at her some more.
"You're so clumsy Steph—I mean, Bella," he said, love smoldering in his eyes as he longed for the taste of her delicious circulatory juice.
"Yes, I'm so glad that my one flaw is endearing! Hey, are you thinking of drinking my blood?"
"Yes. Blood helps prevent diseases and fight off infection, and carries oxygen from your lungs to your brain. And I want to eat it." A big slobbery droplet of drool dripped slowly rolled down his chin from his mouth, dropped from his face, and was suspended in midair by a tendon of saliva, before landing on Bella's shoe with a splash. "And when blood fills the vessels in my penis, it gives my a boner!" He thrusted his hips towards her. "Hemoglobin hard-on! Hemoglobin hard-oooon!" he sang tunelessly.
Bella looked down at at his pants, which were bulging with a vampire erection. Then they had sex off camera because of Mormonism.
Later, at the parking lot of the Forks Wal-Mart, Steph—I mean, Bella and Edward got out of his car, a 2006 Ford Windstar for Vampires.
They walked up to the doors of the warehouse like building. A sensor detected their arrival, and the doors slid open automatically.
"I wonder if that sensor would have detected you if you were by yourself. I mean, vampires don't show up in mirrors."
"I told you for the last time, that's just a myth. Without mirrors, how could I have teased my perfect hair with gel and get all my make-up on in order to hook up with a tragically ordinary author-surrogate who moves into town and is instantly friends with all the popular girls and asked out by every popular boy?"
"Sorry. I forgot." She smiled clumsily.
They stepped into the building. Edward walked over to the carts, pulled one from one of the rows, and started pushing it past the store's anti-theft sensors. The back left wheel squeaked and the cart bumped along awkwardly.
"Geeze, we always get the cart with the squeaky wheel," Bella said wryly. Everybody in Wal-Mart chuckled at her relatable sarcasm.
"You are the love of my several century long life, sixteen year old high schooler." Edward pushed the cart back and grabbed another. This one rolled along smoothly.
"Welcome to Wal-Mart" greeted a young man in a blue vest with Down's Syndrome.
"Hello!" Edward responded cheerfully. Then, he leaned close to Bella and whispered "Retard blood tastes weird!"
Bella recoiled in shock. "Edward! That is really insensitive...oh my God you are so physically perfect in every way. You know what? Fuck retards."
Edward and Bella turned right onto the main aisle. They looked down the aisles of health and beauty as they walked past. "Oh, toothpaste! I need some." Bella walked down the toothpaste aisle while Edward waited by the cart. She looked at the different brands of toothpaste, and weighed the pros and cons of each type of toothpaste, such as whitening or breath freshening, along with the price of each tube, and decided on Crest Total Whitening.
Edward picked his perfect smoldering nose while he waited. He wedged his thumb and forefinger up his left nostril and used the fingernails to pinch at the booger. It was one of the boogers that have a hard crispy part attached to a long gooey part. He pulled on the crunchy part, and the gooey part slid out of his sinuses, and then snapped out. The snap of the gooey part leaving his nose flung it onto the flaky part pinched between his fingernails, making a ball of booger and snot. "I wish this booger had some blood on it," thought Edward. "It would make a good snack." Instead of eating it, Edward wiped it on a box of Crest Whitening Strips. The gooey snot part smeared and stuck to the box, while the crispy booger dangled alongside it.
Bella returned and put her toothpaste in the cart. "Ok, I think the shampoo is up a few aisles. They continued walking along, and checked the signing on the aisles to locate the hair care department. "There it is Steph...I mean, Bella!" Bella went down the aisle Edward pointed to. This time, he followed.
"Look at all the hilarious names of the Herbal Essence shampoos and conditioners!" laughed Bella. A team of top ad executives breathed a collective sigh of relief as they realized all their focus group demographic research had paid off. "Hmm...I think I'll go with Herbal Essences Franken Berry Hairy." Bella tossed a bottle of Franken Berry Hairy shampoo into the cart.
Edward continued to browse the hair products until, next to the Hairold Ramis shampoo, he found some Herbal Essence Pretty Boy Vampire Douchebag shampoo and conditioner, and added them to the cart. They returned to the main aisle, and took a left, into the grocery department.
"Do you want to pick up any food?" Bella asked Edward.
"No, remember, I feed on a bodily fluid that contains urea, which is a chemical also found in pee." They paused and kissed deeply, then the author's deep Mormon convictions left all the screwing to the readers' imagination.
Past the food, Edward stopped the cart at the cleaning supplies aisle. "I need some of that Shout spray to get out some blood stains." Edward ran down the aisle to grab some while the popular girls in school all wanted Steph—I mean, Bella, to go to the beach with them. "Get some Clorox wipes while you're down there" Bella shouted—no pun intended—down the aisle at him.
Edward paused, then called back "I don't see any. Are the Lysol wipes ok?"
Bella thought for a moment, then shook her head. "No, Clorox wipes came out first, and the Lysol wipes sort of came along and stole it's fan base. Kind of like how Harry Potter's fanbase inexplicably all gravitated to a shitty poorly written Mary Sue self-insertion vampire fan-fiction series."
Edward nodded back. "Harry Potter fucking rules." He found the Clorox wipes and returned to Bella.
"Stop at the next aisle, I need some toilet paper," said Edward. Edward and Bella walked down the toilet paper aisle. Edward gazed with a smoldering intensity at the different packages of toilet paper. "I think I'm gonna go with the twelve double-sized roll of Charmin."
"Why not go with the twenty-four pack, it's the same price!"
"Yeah, that's because they have the same amount of actualy toilet paper."
"I don't understand," Bella said with an adorable puzzled look on her stupid face.
"Here, look at the packaging." Edward heroically held up the twenty-four pack. "See, these rolls have 150 sheets each." He pointed to the numbers indicating this on the packaging. Then he hoisted up the twelve pack of double sized rolls. "These rolls have 300 sheets each. It's twice as many, so I will only have to change the rolls half as often. That will save precious time that I will need to fight the werewolves and vampires that are trying to kill you all the time."
"Oh...that kinda make sense." Bella thought for a moment then said, "But it would at least be cheaper if you got single ply."
"No, I have to use double ply." Edward put the toilet paper in the cart, and they continued along cleaning supplies. "Because I subsist on a diet of blood, my feces are really runny. There's usually blood in my stool. In fact, I go through more toilet brushes than a hemorrhoid sufferer due to the bloody feces splashing onto the sides of the inside of the toilet bowl." Edward stopped and grabbed some Glade air freshener. "Oh, hey, I'm going to need this. My bloody shit smells like rot."
"Oh, while we're over here, I wanna grab some Pizza Rolls." Bella led Edward to the freezers. "I think I'm going to get some of the combination pepperoni and sausage bag."
Edward opened the freezer door. "Do you want the box with fifteen, or the bigger bag of forty?"
Bella studied the price labels. "Well, the unit price is cheaper for the bigger bag. I'd be getting more pizza rolls for my dollar."
Edward smiled at her. "That's a good point!" Into the cart went the forty count pizza roll bag.
"Oh, hey, you grabbed pepperoni, I wanted combination."
"Sorry 'bout that." Edward opened the freezer and swapped out the pepperoni bag for the combination bag.
"OK, I think we're good for food. Let's keep going."
The star crossed soul mates continued the circuit around Wal-Mart. They reached the electronics department. "Wanna look at DVDs?" asked Edward.
Bella shook her head. "My pizza rolls will get soggy if we stick around too long."
"I can solve that problem." Edward shoved the bag of pizza rolls into the front of his underwear, where they sat comfortably in his Hanes briefs. Bella smiled gratefully.
"Ooh, 27 Dresses is only $7.50!" Bella noticed excitedly.
"Hmm, what's that about?"
Bella picked the DVD off the shelf and turned it around to read the back. "Katherine Heigl (Knocked up, TV's Grey's Anatomy) lights up the screen in this charming romantic comedy from the screenwriter of The Devil Wears Prada." Heigl stars as Jane, a romantic, completely selfless woman who has been a bridesmaid in no less than 27 weddings. Unfortunately her own happy ending seems to be nowhere in sight. Until her younger sister Tess captures the heart of Jane's boss - on whom Jane has a secret crush inspiring Jane to change her "always-a-bridesmaid" destiny." She looked up at Edward. "This looks hilarious!"
Edward forced an encouraging smile. "Um, that sounds...awesome." He absently picked a wedgie from his perfect butt crack. It resisted, glued to his ass with the poorly wiped bloody streaks, before snapping out.
"Yay!" Bella put the DVD in the cart, oblivious to the fact that her centuries old perfect vampire boyfriend was just agreeing because they were still in that honeymoon phase, and that this act would cause him to begin resenting her for her inability to choose not-shitty movies.
Edward looked at his watch. "Hey, America's Funniest Home Videos is on in twenty minutes! We better get going." Edward's favorite parts were when people were hit in the crotch area.
Edward pushed their cart to the front of the store. "Self-checkout, or a check lane with a cashier?" he asked.
Bella thought for a moment, then decided on cashier. Edward transferred their purchases from the cart to the conveyor belt while Bella decided on a pack of gum.
The cashier scanned the items. "Will that be all?" she asked as she scanned the last of them.
"Yep," said Edward as he dug in his pockets for his wallet. The cashier stared at the giant lumpy bulge in his crotch.
"Um...you're sure?"
"Yeah."
"OK then, your total is $32.47." Edward swiped his Vampire Master Card and entered his PIN. Bella loaded the bags into the cart. The card approved, and the cashier handed Edward the receipt.
"Have a nice day."
Edward and Bella pushed their cart to the store's exit. They had just passed through the automatic doors when a stern voice called out "Hey! Stop!"
They turned around to see if the voice was directed at them. It was. A slightly overweight young man in a security guard uniform jogged up to them. "I'm going to need you to come with me."
Edward and Bella looked at each other. "OK. We don't want any trouble." They started to follow him.
"Just you," he said, looking at Edward.
Bella started to protest, but Edward cut her off. "It's ok, just go ahead and load up the car. Hopefully this won't take too long." He tossed her his car keys.
Bella caught them. "Alright, see you soon." She exited the store and headed to the car.
"Come on." The security guard led Edward to a small room with a sign that said "Employees Only." He shut the door behind them.
"What's this all about?"
The security guard chuckled. "So, you think that you can just walk out of Wal-Mart with Pizza Rolls without paying?"
Edward looked puzzled for a moment, before realizing what the guard was talking about. "Oh! I forgot I had these!" He pulled the bag from his crotch. "I was keeping them cool so they wouldn't get soggy."
The guard shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid that excuse won't fly. You're going to get life in jail," he lied.
Edward believed him. Life in jail would really suck, considering he was immortal. "Surely there's something I can do!" he pleaded.
"Well..." the security guard looked Edward up and down. "I could let this slide if you make love with me."
Edward sighed in relief. "Alright, that is fair enough." They both undressed, and made the sweetest, most tender love Edward had ever experienced in his centuries of lovemaking.
"That...that was incredible," Edward panted. After cuddling briefly to catch their breath, Edward and the security guard got dressed. "Do you wanna come over and watch 27 Dresses? I just got it today."
"Sure." They left the small room. Edward took the guard's hand in his, and they left Wal-Mart. When they got to his car, Edward opened the passenger door.
Bella looked at their hands. "Um...did everything go ok?"
"Yes. Better." Edward looked into the guard's eyes. "I know now whom I am truly bound to. My heart belongs to this security guard."
Bella blinked a couple times. "What?"
"I love him. With all of my heart." He firmly grabbed Bella by the arm, and pulled her from the car. Then, he helped the guard into the passenger seat.
"What the hell's going on?" Bella demanded.
"Goodbye Bella." Edward walked around the car and got in the driver's seat. Bella stared dumbfounded as the car backed out of the parking spot. Edward rolled down his window.
"Bella?"
"Yes?" Bella responded hopefully. Edward reached into the back seat, pulled the toothpaste from a bag, and threw it at Bella. It bounced off her forehead and fell to the ground.
"There's your toothpaste, bitch!" Edward and his new soul mate laughed as they sped off to their new life together.