I'm sorry, he wrote.
I'm so very sorry, he wrote.
I didn't mean it, he wrote.
I did,though, he thought.
But you have it all wrong,really, he wrote.
He sighed.
Lily, really, I love you,he wrote.
but I will never say that aloud it would sound ridiculous and you'd probably laugh,he wrote. Laugh at the thought I'm sure, I'm sorry though, I'm really sorry you'll never know what I feel for you.
He scribbled all over he words. No that's the wrong thing to say, he acknowledged.
Lily, I am sorry. I am truly sorry and moreover words will never describe how sorry I am. But it's his fault. Potter, yes him!
No,no, he thought as he scribbled once more.
This is not victim blaming and this was not, as horrible as arrogant Potter might be, his fault.
He gulped, the truth is. The truth. He took a deep breathe and wrote:
Lily, I am sorry. I never wanted you see me like that. And that Potter, you know how he loves to torment me. He just comes with his friends and I try, I really tried, to fight back. But it's no use. And soap begans to fill my mouth. And then you come to defend me. I needed you to defend, how pathetic am I? Potter and his friends they're all laughing. And he looks at you. The way he looks at you,Lily, it kills me. He looks at you like you're some kind of food. It disgusts me. And next thing I know I'm hanging upside down and my pants are down, and they're bursting out laughing. And you, you smiled. You really did, I saw you. You must of thought it was kind of funny. You thought he was funny. Then he asks you out and I'm upside down. And I can't do anything about it. Then he says how lucky am you were here to save me. Imagine that, you had to save me. Save me, like always. I can't do anything apparently, I was never good at anything, that's what my father always said. And he was right.
Here I am in my underpants while the biggest bully and my worst enemy Potter throws romantic remarks at the girl of my dreams and insists how lucky I am, poor snivellus, to have her save me. And I was angry. Angry at myself for letting you see me like this. And I said it. Yes, I said those words and I did mean it right there, I know I did. I saw your face you were angry, not sad or hurt,just angry. Typical Lily, you're always a hothead you know? And you called Snivellus, you actually said that. It's funny. It's funny somehow. I'm sure one day I will be laughing at this but right now I feel like I will never be happy again.
After you walked off, Potter and his friends left. They did bother me a little longer about calling you that name but it didn't matter. It didn't hurt me at all. Nothing hurt after you left. It just didn't matter anymore. Nothing really does, Lily. I really did mean to stay there and sleep if you didn't come out, in fact I should of stayed there and rot. It's what I deserved. But you did come out, and you were still angry. Again, typical Lily, always a hothead. And you said what you said. And how you didn't want to talk to me again. And about Mulciber and Avery and being a Death Eater. Ha, if you only knew how little that comes to relevance to me right now. I didn't actually laugh when I wrote ha, I'm incapable of humor remember? Well that's what you used to say. But even Lily if I ever left them, if I ever stopped hanging out with them, would it even matter? Maybe we still be friends. Maybe I would still be able to smile about something. But you'd still end up with Potter, it seems to me that a very long time ago I decided you two would end up together. Yes, he's an arrogant toerag but even can I admit he has his charms. Pretty sure you could agree. I seen you, sometimes you smile a bit, just like the little tiny smirk you gave when I was upside down. And although right now you smile, one day you'll laugh. And I know when you laugh it will be the end of everything.
And now, as the write this I have come to the realization, why bother trying? Why should I even bother? Why should I give up the chance to be a Death Eater and actually be somebody people like Potter and his friends will respect just to keep my friendship with you? When in reality I know that's not what I really want. What I really want is for you to be happy, eternally and blissfully happy, that's all that matters to me. But I really liked, I really wished,actually, it could be because of me. I wish I could be that eternal source of happiness. I wish you would end up falling for me, not him. And although in my deepest thoughts and my ever sweetest dreams you're my wife and we're far away from Spinner's End,I find myself waking up to the reality that's never going to happen. You're just too good for me.
That's the thing you're right about, your friends were right; why do you even talk to me? I'm such a nobody and I'm nothing special. Maybe you talk to me out of pity I suppose. I hope not, the last thing I want is for you to have pity for me. Enough people already pity me, I don't need you out of all people to pity me. I don't want you to that at all. I want you to look up to me, I want to be strong, to be strong for you. That's why I really joined the Mulciber and the others to begin with. I always had the knack and passion for the Dark Arts but it was that power, the idea of being somebody. Somebody who would impress you. Someone who'd sweep you off your feet. Someone like Potter and at same time someone not like Potter. Someone you'd actually want at your side, someone who could be strong like you and brave like you. Because Lily, you are so strong and brave. I could never be as strong or brave as you.
You are so many things to me,Lily. You are smart and you're very clever at potions, believe me I know. I know how you say I'm better at potions than you but no, you're probably the sole reason I am even remotely good at potions. Potions was the first class we ever took together and we became a team,remember? You told me the ingredients and I brew them. We were, indeed ,a great team. And I learned to love it, I loved it because you were there. And you smiled, I love your smile,by the way. I like how you cheered for us when we won one of Slughorn's many rewards. I also remember how you almost burn the whole class down, you're always in a rush to finish aren't you? We had fun there, I had fun there. Because of you.
Another thing you are to me,Lily, which is probably the most insignificant thing, you are beautiful. You are so beautiful words don't do you justice. You always manage to take my breathe away, even at your so-called worst when you would say 'Sev, don't look at me! My hair looks hideous.' you never did. You're so silly. You were always silly, Lily. (I got to stop using past tense verbs or I'm going to end up sobbing all over this letter!) Since the first time I saw you on that swing, you were so beautiful. And you never stopped being beautiful. Ever. I can't recall ever seeing you ugly or hideous at all. Or normal. I love your air and how it moves in the wind. I also love when you have it tied up and a single strand falls on your face. I love your eyes. Your eyes. I could actually sit all day and stare at your eyes and I would be the happiest person.
I recall us sitting by the trees and you babbling about something (I do pay attention to what you say and you know that! I just can't recall the conversation right now, but maybe in the future I will, if you even speak to me again) and I just stared into your eyes the whole time, they were as always bright and cheery. You're never dull, you know? There was never a dull moment with you.
The last thing you are to me Lily, you are hope. Hope that everything will get better. Hope that there is good people in the world. People like you Lily, not like Potter and his friends. People like you who care about others. You give me so much hope. As a sat there in my house over the summer after our first year at Hogwards, and I wiped the blood from nose and I kept hearing my father's voice getting louder and louder... and mother began to cry, I thought of you, of you, your green eyes, your voice and suddenly everything seemed better. My nose did not bleed anymore. And my scars weren't visible anymore. Nothing hurt anymore, because I knew tomorrow I would go out to the park with you! And we would sing together and we would be together. And we are together,Lily, I feel like it's forever.
I wouldn't mind,really, being with you forever. Nothing would make me happier really. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry about calling you that word. And that I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend. And I'm sorry I haven't been there to protect you,like you would ever need me to protect you. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about every single thing I ever said that even remotely hurt you or discomfort you.
The truth is Lily, I like you very much. No, I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you,Lily Evans. I love you. I wish I could scream down the Great Hall and yell out so loud the whole castle could hear. I wish James could hear, I wish he punched me for it. I wished Mulciber and others would hear,I wish they ridiculed me and called me a mudblood lover. I wish your friends would know, I wish they gave a hard time for having such a horrible and terribly looking boy be in love with you. I wish you came up to me and telled me you didn't feel the same way. I wish all of this could happen. And none of this would matter because I love you. And you would know it. And that would be all that truly matters. I love you,Lily. I've always had. And I always will.
And I realize, as am writing this, none of this matters. Why? Because you'll never hear it. Or I will never speak it. Nor will you ever read. Because like I said before,Lily, you are so brave and I, I am a coward. I am a coward for not building up the strength to give you this letter. And I knew this since the first 'I am sorry' I wrote. But still I wrote. Because I feel, if you ever read it. Or if you never talk to me, at least I can look at this letter and know why. I know I'm horrible and I don't deserve you. You're probably extremely lucky we're not even friends anymore. It's probably the best thing that could have ever happened to you. You don't need me to be happy. I need you. It kills me know I will no longer get lectures from you in the library. Or get you to flash me a smile from the Gryffindor table. Or just accidently brush my hand against yours. It kills me it really does.
As you know, I'm a very good writer. I can only ever so write analytical essays and explains the logic behind things. And the logical thing to say is that I ruined everything and I am the sole provider of my own unhappiness. And I hope,perhaps, in my wildest dream that tomorrow you'll look at me. That you'll talk to me. That it won't be all over. But it is. And I'm sorry.
He put his quill down as he finished his last thought. He neatly folded the letter and place inside his trunk. Hopelessly he fell onto his bed.
Why can't I just die? he thought as he buried his face in his pillow. The room was dark and still. He heard Avery's loud snores. Music to die to, he thought. Warm tears streamed down his face. He sobbed soflty. And then he thought no more.