I haven't wrote in a while, but I thought you deserved something, so I wrote well.. I would say this would be Sams recollection of her teenage life. I guess well I hope you enjoy reading, if it's alright review it, if like to know if anyone is actually reading this. Thanks x POSSIBLY TRIGGERING

(you could interpretate this a letter to Sams parents I guess I did as I was writing it, but it's indirect.) - it's just fluff really. Edited due to mistakes.

Dear Eva and John

I don't know what I want anymore. This family is torn at the seams, it's flaking apart, making it harder to sew back together. I'm fed up of it all. Yes, I said to you we never do anything as a family anymore, which is true, but I guess I didn't put that right. You guys then took the piss out of me like you always did, making me feel minuet. "Shall we take you down the park and push you on the swings." That isn't what I wanted, it wasn't what I meant. I was 16 and treated like a baby.

I started to become depressed, I skipped most meals until I really needed to comfort eat an I binged but then I would skip more meals, eating a 100 calories a day. I kept it under my hat pretty well. I did want someone to notice but if they did I would have ran away the attention would have been too much, so I'm glad in away. I then pushed myself further unable to cope under the prssure of college. I joined a running club, that way what I did eat I burned off by running 6 miles everyday. I loved it, it calmed me down made me forget everything, all my worries and guilt if past things I've done. I felt free, in control, of me my pace my breathing the distance. They cared there too, began to feel like a family. I spent as long as I could out, but I would have to return home though eventually. Even then I was forced to keep myself to myself, cwtched with my dog. I felt slightly better when I was with him, I felt like he would listen to my feelings and watching him sleep distracted me from the silence of my house. Everyone else sat there staring at the same old crap on tv. We were not a family, just mere strangers living under one roof. Yes you provided for me but I felt unloved, like I was a burden to their life.

That was what determined me to sign up to the army. I thought that maybe then you would take notice of me, realise I'm in control, I'm not thick or stupid, it's not that I never listen, I just never understood what you were saying. Even when we did speak it's about the stress you are under. Like your the only person in the world who's had a new job. Or it's about the endless list of cleaning you felt needed to be done everyday. I did not have a childhood like my friends. They wouldn't have to worrying about the ironing that waited for them, not going out because of the riots that would start if it wasn't done. They did on many occasions. When I was younger we used to do loads as a family, you weren't working so much then. We used to go ice skating, go to see films, take the dog for a walk, Have fun.. Then it just became meals, even they were overtaken with silence, as we all looked on our phones at nothing important. It is not like I was the perfect daughter either, yes I was lazy like every other teen, I didn't always do the cleaning. You were both under a lot of stress. That's why it wasn't actually your fault. I was just bored with life. I wanted a life full of adrenaline. That's why I had to leave.

To live my life.

I dread to think, would still be alive if I stayed.
I was too close to the edge then. It would have only took a step. Just one small step. I would have cracked.

but maybe, I was just being spoilt

and selfish

i always was...