Hey guys this is a remake of the Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone movie script enjoy. This contains most of the scenes up to Ollivanders. Lol. We were high on sugar when we did this. No harsh crits please.
if you are young and have not had sex education yet or don't like words that sound funny do not read…or sue*
Disclaimer: we do not own Harry Potter
Enjoy reading we certainly did making it.
Privet Drive scene.
(creepy spider sounding music plays in the background as a super old guy and a moderately old lady meet up…not to make out but to deliver a baby onto a door step…its not theirs)
OLD GUY/DUMBLEDORE: I should have known you to rock up in your sexy cat woman suit Professor McGonagall.
MCGONAGALL: good evening professor Dumbledore…are the rumors true? Are you pregnant?
DUMBLEDORE: no I am not pregnant…but the other rumors are yes the good and bad.
MCGONAGALL: and the baby?
DUMBLEDORE: WHAT BABY?! Oh hagrid's bringing him.
MCGONAGALL: I know you have a gigantus sexy brain, but is it wise to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?
DUMBLEDORE: Ah, but I trust Hagrid with my totally awesome life.
( a creepy, huge, non-human, ogre thing known as hagrid rocks up on his uber massive flying motorcycle
thing which is making an uber massive noise with a baby)
(Bike lands and Hagrid dismounts)
HAGRID: Professor Dumbledore sir, Professor McGonagall.
DUMBLEDORE: A safe journey? (DOESN'T LET HAGRID ANSWER) Is the baby alright?! Lemme seeee.
HAGRID: The little pest fell, off I MEAN to sleep just as we took off.
(DUMBLEDORE TAKES THE BABY FROM HAGRID AND THEN STARTS APPROACHING THE DOORSTEP)
MCGONAGALL: Professor, I know again with your gigantus sexy brain, but is it wise to leave the boy with these people. They are the worst kind of muggle things ever.
DUMBLEDORE: They're the only blood whojiwatsits the boy has.
MCGONAGALL: This boy will be a celebrity! We can sell wigs and tattoo scars! There wont be a child in our world who wont know his name!
DUMBLEDORE: tempting, very tempting but no. He's better off far away from crowds and all that…it may give him gas and he can have a proper childhood. (Dumbledore places the baby on the doorstep)
(Hagrid sobs in the background)
DUMBLEDORE: (LOOKS AT HAGRID) there there hagrid its not really goodbye after all…you can teach him to burp on queue when he is ready. We will see him again soon.
(Dumbledore leaves a note for the muggle things)
DUMBLEDORE: good luck umm… what should we call him…?
MCGONAGALL: HE ALREADY HAS A NAME!
DUMBLEDORE: OH yes… good luck… harry potter. Is that his real name?? Thought it would be something less gay. Oh well.
(McGonagall shakes her head and sighs)
(the movie officially starts nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnow)
The Vanishing Glass scene(we skip the dursley's house part of this scene because they are fags…we like the zoo scene better)
The reptile house
(family looks at a snake)
DUDLEY DURSLEY: this is boring daddy MAKE HIM FRIGGEN MOVE! Im not gaining weight and becoming an annoying fag by looking at a stoned snake!
(Vernon dursley hits the glass)
VERNON: MOVE!
DUDLEY: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!…he's boring
(Dursley's all walk away while harry stays.)
HARRY: Sorry about him, he is a fag, He doesn't understand what its like lying here being a lazy ass… Oh wait he does understand that… but while people are pressing their ugly fat disgusting greasy disgusting faces against glass making their faces look fatter and uglier and greaser and disgustinger…
(snake understands harry and winks)
HARRY: can you understand me?
(snake nods and lifts its head)
HARRY: HOLY CRAP! Its just I've never talked to a snake before…(AN: DUH!!!) umm…do you talk to people often
(snake shakes head)
HARRY: do you miss your family? (snake points head towards a sign) oh…I never knew my parents either !SHUT UP YOU CANT TALK YOU'RE A FRIGGEN SNAKE! (harry runs away and hides in the corner…he finally pulls himself together) sorry I have bipolar…
(Dudley runs towards the snake and pushes harry out of the way…because HE IS A FAG)
DUDLEY: MUMMY, DADDY! YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT THIS WORM THING IS DOING!!(AN: he didn't get a proper educational lesson in English…BECAUSE HE IS A FAAAAGGGGG)
(harry uses his awesomeness in a can powers to make the fat, annoying bastard fall into the snake poop infested water, then snake slithers daintily and gracefully, like an English beer salesman, out of the cage
SNAKE: thankssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
HARRY: np slithery beer dude.
(and into the unknown….?)
(fat basterd wakes up from his gaseous slumber and FINALLY realizes that he has been trapped….OMFG!)
DUDLEY: MUMMY OMG MUM HEY GUESS WHAT IM TRAPPED….!
PETUNIA: huh oh my line…OH NOOOOOOO MY BABY MY FAT, FAT BABY
(harry chuckles like a genius, then the even fatter man dude man turns to the genius and gives harry the….wait for it……the death stare.)
The Letters from no one.
(The dursley's and potter genius arrive home shaken not stirred, and the fat man terrorizes the little village of Potter town)
VERNON: WHAT HAPPNED U EVIL LIL GENIUS!?
HARRY: I DON'T KNOW, ONE MINUTE THE GLASS WAS THERE AND THE NEXT IT WAS GONE IT WAS LIKE FULL ON AWESOME MAGIC!
(Vernon shoves him in the staircase department thing and like totally slams the door)
VERNON: WTH? THERES NO SUCH THING AS FULL ON AWESOME MAGIC.
(Vernon then shuts the little things that harry uses for viewing the outside of his lil staircase department box)
THE VERY NEXT…UH…DAY!
(an awesome owl dude shoves a love letter down the chimney. ITS FOR HARRY!)
(harry has now picked up the junk mail)
HARRY: ok now what do we got here? Bills, bills, cheap sales at naughty but nice-britain, FOR MEEE!? Awesome. (harry does the awesome I got a letter dance) YES!
(we skip a bit coz checking the mail isn't funkalicious.)
(after the first love letter is shreaded by the fat man, another love letter streams throught the mail box. Nd like harry does another dance.)
HARRY: SOMEBODY LOVES MEEEE!
*Vernon shreds the letter*
HARRY: awwwww *sad face*
(as the days pass TONNES AND TONNES OF LOVELY LOVE LETTERS COME THROUGHT THE MAILBOX)
(harry plays with Barbie horsy dollies, and hears some power drillage comin from the great outdoors, opens da door and closes da door then opens da door then closes da door and so on and so forth)
(skip bits coz wrists hurt and brain malfunctions)
VERNON: I love sundeys do you know why little fat me?
DUDLEY: no big fat you.
HARRY: there are no post mans on a sundey.
VERNON: right you are lil genius man dude…no BLASTED letters *harry sadness now coz he likes love letters*
*house shakes violently like a colen after my mum's meatballs…LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE LETTERS COMING FROM THE CHIMNEYNESS…harry cheers up and swirls like a ballerina in his dirty dirty Brittany spears love letters*
VERNON: THAT'S IT WERE GOING FAR AWAY FROM THESE BLASTED LOVE LETTERS SCREW THEM I NEED SOME TOO NONE OF THEM ARE FOR ME ALL FOR THE GENIUS GOD DAMNIT!!!!!
DUDLEY: DADDY'S GONE MAD HASN'T HE MUMMY. *runs into the corner of shame*
Keeper of the Keys:
(when all at once there is a sudden scene change that we had no idea about…so its like WTF)
*WAVES CRASH VIOLENTLY AND STORMS CRASH VIOLENTLY AND THE SNORING OF THE FAT MAN…CRASHES VIOLENTLY*
(they are in a house in the middle of the ocean so ??? and its like midnight right so then theres a giant bang at the door then harry's like WTH OMG! And runs into a corner like a little girl whilst Dudley craps himself and does the same)
*door falls down?...AMAZING*
DUDLEY: *screams like a lil girl*
PETUNIA: *screams*
VERNON: *he too screams like a girl*
*scary music stops and everones like wtf why did it stop*
HAGRID: sorry bout tha'*picks up the door then puts it back and everyones awe struck*
VERNON:I demand you leave at ONCE…YOU'RE BREAKING AND ENERING FO'SHIZEL!
HAGRID: OH SHUT UP YOU FAT MAN YOU! *bends the barrel of the gun*
*hagrid turns to Dudley and exclaim how fat he is*
DUDLEY: i..i….im not harry.
*harry emerges from his AWESOME hiding spot like I couldn't have thought of it no way*
HARRY: I-I am.
HAGRID: well of course you are…this bastard looks nothing like you.
(Dudley realizes he has just been punked and starts to sob like a girl)
HAGRID: I think I got somin for oo harry dude, I think my fat arse may o squishded it but its still as tasety as it was three years ago. *hagrid hands harry a birfday present and harry dances*
HAGRID: baked it myself…I think I kinda fainted during the process so I imagine the dragons bum should have faded into it a little bit more.
HARRY: thanks. *opens the smelly dragons bum cake.*
HAGRID: it aint every day my lil man turds 11 now aint it and what not.
*hagrid sits and makes fire Ooooo WITH A PINK UMBRELLA ELLA ELLA AYE AYE , and everyone is like Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*
*harry put cake on table, pig boy goes to cake and ates it and like fully gets told to stay away by magic …PIG BOY HAS A TAIL HEY PRESTO…by the time this happens harry kinda asks wtf r u doing in my house and who is you and hagrids like dude im a wizard game keeper thing at hogswart school thing for special people and tells harry that his parents were too and they got blown up*
*hagrid now hands harry a letter, and harry thinks its another love letter but…its not from Brittany spears, its from some old guy who forgot harry's name name in the beginning of the script*
*harry thinks that this is gross but opens the letter anyway its from HAGSWART!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!*
Okay so now harry reads it and they're heading off to TOADSFORT!YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
NEXT SCENE YAY!
Diagon alley skene:
*so like now hagrid and genius boy (played by harry pooter) are now findin there way to diagon alley and we skipped up to the part where they find a way in to this mysterious land filld with chocolate mushrooms and rainbow ponies*
EVERYONE'S LIKE OMG ITS HARRY POTTER: OMG ITS HARRY POTTER!
*harry looks confuzzled and skeptical about these things*
HAGRID: ohithar pro squirrel whats happening bro??
PRO S: h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hh-h-h-h—hhhhhi p—p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-phagrid. *looks at harry* OMG DELICIOUS how r u little man im pro squizzle.
HARRY: sir? Aint it pro squirrel?
PRO SQUIRREL: nou dat waz ma mummys name. call me squizzel.
HARRY: kay.
HAG AND GENIUS BOY: BYEZZZZZZZZZ!
HAGRID: see harry ur FAMOUS!
HARRY: ….whyyyyy I didn't even apply for hotmail.
HAGRID: coz of the legend of you and the dude with no name.
HARRY: who?
HAGRID: nvr mind I cant tell oo that lil man
HARRY: DAMNIT WHY WILL NO ONE TELL MEEEEEE! *does that thing from the scene of another movie* AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...!
*hagrids umbrella ella ella aye aye aye taps on the bricks of magicalness that open up to diagon alley, then they wonder the streets living wherever they please and doing whatever they want…..till they reach…RINGBLOTTS!!!!*
(next scene)
Gringotts scene.
(HAGRID AND HARRY ENTER GRINGOTTS AND APPROACH GOBLIN AT SERVERS DESK)
HAGRID: okay dude harry like totally wants his money and like oh… wait a minute (turns to harry) harry dude can I borrow 5 buks
HARRY: umm yah
HAGRID: kthx, so yah
GOBLIN: ok do you have the key???
HARRY: WHAT KEY!?
HAGRID: ummm.. I think so
GOBLIN: well?
HAGRID: YAH I GOT IT, it was in my uber massive jumbo jacket. (pauses and takes out key) ooooh shiny.
GOBLIN: Hey… it is shiny and if I recall in other stories goblins like shiny things
HAGRID: yah… oook (nudges harry and whispers) what a weirdo man.
HARRY: goblin??
GOBLIN: anyway so like gimme the key now.
HAGRID: fine I will. Oh and like dumbledore totally wanted me to give you this… its like about the secret thing in volt whojiwatsit.
(pauses and moves to a different setting)
Different GOBLIN: ok dudes, volt uh 687 yah lol… lamp please dude…(GRABS THE LAMP) gimme the key now please.
(everything hushes as the goblin goes for the door he stops as the key is turned… that's IT HE DID IT THE DOOR IS OPEN!!)
(HARRY STARES WIDE EYED AT THE GOLDEN HONEY MULA)
HAGRID: you didn't think that like your parents would leave you a pennyless hobo now would they??
(MOVES ONTO NEXT VAULT)
GOBLIN: volt ummm(stares at the tiny insignificant, significant number on the top of the door) OH YEAH, volt 713.
HARRY: wats in there hagrid dude??
HAGRID: cant tell ya little man… top secret stuff for hogwarts
(THE GOBLIN USES GROSS, DISGUSTING, LONG, YELLOW UNHYGENIC FINGERNAIL TO OPEN THE DOOR, THEN THE DOOR OPENS WITH AWESOME SKILLAGE)
(HAGRID TOTALLY PICKS UP THE LITTLE PACKAGE THING)
HAGRID: don't tell anybody this is top secret, secret stuff
Ollivander scene.
(HAGRID AND HARRY WALK THROUGH DIAGON ALLEY)
HARRY: I still need a pointy piece of wood ummm… RIGHT A WAND yah those things
HAGRID: A WAND you otta go to ollivanders yah, and no place better that smells o old people 'arry, oh yeah hes a good wand maker too I think. Just like sit ere' by yourself in this crowd of strangers 'arry there's jus' one more thing I gotta do.
(HARRY WANDERS INTO OLLIVANDER'S WAND MAKING STORE)
HARRY: hello…? Are there any old timers in here called ollivander?
(OLLIVANDER SHOWS UP ON HIS PIMPED UP LADDER)
OLLIVANDER: (in a creepy pedophile tone of voice) I wandered when I would meet you young harry potter. (Ollivander looks around wand shelves) seems it was only yesterday your hot lil mama and your handsome father came in here looking for their first wands. (finds a wand he thinks will suit harry) here we go…(gives harry a wooden pointy thing known as a wand by a few Einstein's of the magic world)
(harry looks at the wand as if it is a thing he has never seen before…because he hasn't)
OLLIVANDER: well go on give it a shake uh I mean wave.
(Harry waves the wand at other wands in the shelves and the boxes of wands fly everywhere)
OLLIVANDER: maybe not this one eh?
(Ollivander takes wand and finds another one)
OLLIVANDER: maybe this one will do you I MEAN suit you.
(harry does what he did with the first wand but the destructive outcome, as logic shows, that the second wand did twice as much damage than the first one resulting in…)
OLLIVANDER: NO, no definitely not (puts wand back on the shelf) doesn't matter though harry.
(Ollivander gets ANOTHER wand from the shelves)
OLLIVANDER: I wonder? (gives harry a wand)
(Super creepy, creepy music and an orgasmic red light sweeps over harry and his new wand)
OLLIVANDER: that was as wicked as hell man…I mean curious that's very curious
HARRY: excuse me old dude who knows stuff about my parents…too much stuff… but what's curious?
OLLIVANDER: I remember every wand I've ever sold MR. Potter…and the children I've sold them to (chuckles) it happens that the phoenix, whose tail feather, which is somehow kept in this twig of wood, gave another feather…one other. It is curious that you get destimified to like totally get this wand, but I wanted it, whilst its brother gave you that scar…cool eh??
HARRY: and umm… who liked owned that wand, man with weird hairdo
OLLIVANDER: we do not speak of that scary dudes name. Because for some weird reason the piece of wood chooses the person, but we can expect pure awesomness from you Mr. Potter. After all he who must not be named did pure awesome things horrifemifying things yes… but great things.
(Some creepy, huge, non-human, ogre thing known as hagrid taps the glass of the store and calls)
HAGRID: HARRY! Happy birthday.
(Hagrid hold up a cage with a fluffy piece of snow…an owl.)
(harry stares wide eyed at the new piece of fluff of a birthday present he received from the creepy, huge, non-human, ogre thing known as hagrid.)
Ok all done guys. Next scene coming soon in computers near you! We will have the next scene up in a couple of weeks….
By Midnightsun63 and Lucy A-G
PLEAZE REVIEW!! NO HARSH COMMENTS PLZ!