A/N So, here's the author's note. I don't own DK or Crayola, or Cher, or Broadway, or anything that has been or is on Broadway. Before you all die of curiosity while wondering what the above has in common, start reading!
I would feel free to say…
"…"
"…"
"…"
Finally Rune had a quiet moment, an afternoon all to himself, no insane kleptomaniacs to worry about, no pyromaniacs to chase.
"…"
"…"
"…"
Oh, lovely meditation. What could get any better than this? He was at one with the flowers and the trees…
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Oh, hi Rune!" A sudden exclamation from a certain Earth Dragon Knight caused Rune to simultaneously jump, screech, and fall over, landing heavily on his back. As if this wasn't enough humiliation, his lovely view of the cloudless blue sky was blocked by Thatz's head.
"Hey Rune, you'll never guess what happened to me last night at the bar!" Rune shut his eyes as if he had the power to block out the sound of Thatz's voice. He did NOT need to hear another of these random, pointless, rambling, idiotic (to say the least) stories.
"Well, this guy was SMILING at me and TALKING to me-"
"That's very interesting, Thatz." Rune heaved himself back up off of the ground and perched back on his rock; perhaps Thatz would go away soon if he was ignored.
"-he was being REAL friendly, and I think he was coming onto me. I think HE might've thought I was GAY!"
Rune didn't even bother opening his eyes; the discussion was already pointless, and Thatz didn't need any encouragement.
"…so why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?"
There. That was discouraging. Thatz could talk about lunch like it was a once in a lifetime event. Now, relax and be one with the trees…
Thatz plunked himself down on the rock next to where Rune was perched, cross-legged, and grinned.
"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rune…"
Rune's concentration broke.
"I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I'm TRYING to meditate!"
'Emphasis on trying…' A deep breath calmed his frazzled nerves, but Thatz just didn't get the point.
"Oh, I don't mean anything by it, Rune. I just think that it's something we should be able to talk about."
Deep breaths, ungrit teeth, smile patiently, think un-homicidal thoughts.
"I don't want to talk about it, Thatz. This conversation is over."
Breath in, breath out.
"Yeah, but-"
"OVER!!!"
"Well, okay…"
Rune glared at Thatz, who stood up and held his palms out in surrender. Good. Rune shut his eyes again and tuned out Thatz.
"But just so you know-" Thatz stopped walking away from Rune.
"If you were GAY, that'd be okay-I mean cause hey! I like you anyway…because you see, if it were me," Thatz held out his arms in a dramatic 'look-at-me-I'm-singing' pose next to Rune, who was trying so hard to be oblivious.
"-I would feel free to say that I was GAY (but I'm not gay.)"
All this noise was making concentration rather elusive, and Rune, in order to stay relaxed, calmly stated, "Thatz, please, I'm trying to meditate!" before his subconscious got him up to speed on what Thatz had just said.
"What?!"
"If you were queer,"
"THATZ!"
"I'd still be here,"
"Thatz, I'm trying to meditate!"
"Year after year!"
"Thatz!!!"
"Because you're dear to me!"
"ARGH!"
What Rune wouldn't give for his dear friend the insubordination rope and its friendly 500lb. iron weight.
"And I know that you,"
"WHAT?"
"Would accept me too,"
"I WOULD?!"
News to Rune…not that he spent time pondering these sorts of things…
"If I told you today, 'hey, guess what, I'm GAY!' (But I'm not gay.)"
Rune's face was officially the color of a tomato, and was probably being marketed somewhere as a crayola crayon shade: Rune's Face Red. But that wasn't the point. The point was that Thatz wasn't shutting up, and unless Rune's ears were betraying him (why not? Everything else around here was) the Earth Dragon Knight was just getting louder.
"I'm happy just being with you, so what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"
"THATZ, THAT'S GROSS!"
A swing and a miss with the jumbo hammer of doom.
"No it's not!" Thatz jumped on top of Rune's meditation rock, which had been vacated during Rune's run-after-Thatz-and-beat-him-bloody phase, which had eventually morphed into the sinking-into-emo-ness-and-futilely-hope-that-this-all-ends-quickly phase.
"If you were GAY, I'd shout HURRAY!"
"I am not listening!"
"And here I'd stay!"
"La LA LA LALA!"
"But I wouldn't get in your way!"
"AAAAAAH!"
"You can count on me to always be,"
Rune put his fingers in his ears and assumed a fetal position. It just wasn't going to end; better wait it out.
"-Beside you every day, to tell you its okay, you were just born that way and as they say: it's in your DNA, you're GAY!"
"But I'm not gay!"
…If you were gay."
"ARGH!"
Rune had been unable to resist the beautiful thought of strangling Thatz, but now also found that words had escaped him and so he simply steamed fiercely, unable to express the depth of his emotions.
"Rune?" Somewhere above them, Ruwalk's worried voice floated through a window, followed by his head a moment later. "Are you alright? We heard some screaming…"
All the color left Rune's face. "Y-yeah…Thatz j-just…interrupted m-me…"
HOW MUCH DID HE HEARD?!
Lykouleon appeared beside Ruwalk. "Oh, alright then, we'll leave you two alone then!"
…Maybe the Dragon Lord hadn't heard specific words, and was just annoyingly, amazingly oblivious.
Maybe.
"Is that what this racket was?!" Alfeegi appeared out of nowhere like a bad dream, a fierce air tossing his hair in the wind. He wore the expression of his that left armies cowering in fear. He then proceeded to rant unintelligibly, presumably about Rune and Thatz, before ending on a completely different topic, as per usual.
"-And when I find Rath-!"
A nearby tree no one had noticed shuddering violently suddenly burst out laughing, and Rath (followed by Fire and Crewger) tumbled out of it, hysterical.
"RATH!"
There was no way Alfeegi could have missed this display, and choking, Rath stumbled to his feet, Fire flapping drunkenly around his head. Even after the trio had disappeared, echoes of laugher reached back to torment Rune, pursued by intermittent threatening shrieks.
"Wow," Kai-stern turned to Tetheus, the reason so many Dragon Fighters were on hand to witness Rune's abject humiliation. "Rath really can move fast…"
"…"
Rune was wishing just about now that he would melt into the ground, or disappear, or turn back time…
(Somewhere, somehow, Rath was singing Cher.)
…well, never mind. Nothing around here was ever normal, not even on a good day, not even with Alfeegi the normal imposing whirlwind on duty…Anyway, he did not need additional attention heaped on his growing pile of misery.
"Hey, you know, if you swing that way…" One of the fighters slung an arm around Rune's shoulders, to which the Dragon Knight twitched dangerously.
"…heh…heh…" Thatz gingerly- like, thumb and forefingers- removed the fighter's arm from Rune. "No thanks, its okay…"
Rune's fists were balled against his sides and he screwed his face up like the little Alfeegi clone he was.
"CAUSE I'M NOT GAY!"
Thatz did a double take and squinted at the Dragon Fighter.
"Hey, weren't you that guy at the bar yesterday?"
Rune never felt obliged to resist slapping them-all of them.
fin
A/N I've visualized this as taking place in the first few books, when Rune is determined to regain his faerie powers and is meditating and Thatz bugs him. However, the character descriptions and designs were taken from books 14-16 (traveling clothes, etc…) because I felt that Rune and Thatz's characters are more developed here.
And somewhere in that general time period Thatz protests the heeled boots that Rune wears…
Oh, and Thatz wants to say one more thing before Rune spits him over a fire and roasts him alive, while laughing maniacally.
Thatz: "The lady doth protest too much."
Cat: Well, that was the final nail in his coffin…shades eyes and watches Rune get sweet revenge.