Some people, um...ya know, spend their entire lives trying to move on. Jonathan uttered that sentence unconsciously. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could choke them back. He wasn't usually given to such moments of deep revelation into his psyche, but it was always there under the surface, bubbling and festering like an infected sore.
Certainly he wasn't about to spill his life story to a virtual stranger. Only Erin knew the dark secrets that invaded the recesses of his mind, partly because she had lived them alongside him. But Erin was gone. Erin. He couldn't let his mind wonder there. He wouldn't, couldn't allow it. He forced himself back to the present with a jolt. Ava kept coming at him with questions and he deflected them with glossed over answers.He effectively ended any further discussion when he said, You have to move on though, right? Easier said than done.
Jonathan made a hasty exit into the darkened corridor. He hesitated, deciding between his room and the living room. Insomnia had been his constant companion for nights too numerous to count. His choice made, he quietly padded down the stairs.
The easy chair protested under his slight frame. Although it was the end of summer a fire roared in the fireplace. He never could quite wrap his mind around that one. It seemed rather pretentious to him. The flames danced almost hypnotically as he sat lost in his thoughts - and that was a very dangerous place to be.
A barrage of thoughts and memories crashed down upon him. Most were in jagged bits and pieces. His thoughts flew out of control and flitted from one place to another. He struggled to quiet the constant stream of consciousness, but it was a fruitless endeavor. It usually was.
Losing the battle he went with it, carried away on a sea of memories - most of them things he would rather forget. He floated until his body capitulated and fell into an uneasy and fitful slumber.
Jamie yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He stumbled wearily down the stairs. In the midst of studying he had fallen asleep on one of his open textbooks. It was a bad habit he had picked up ever since returning to med school. All he got for his effort was a crease on the side of his face and a wicked case of dehydration.
Jamie almost didn't see Jonathan until the man involuntarily jerked in his sleep. He studied him for a minute. A sheen of perspiration lay over Jonathan's knitted brows. He lay stretched out at an uncomfortable angle. He's going to have one hell of a sore neck in the morning, Jamie observed. He thought briefly of waking him, but decided against it. Jonathan tried to deny it, but all the residents of Wildwind knew that sleep was not something the younger Lavery got a lot of. It had gotten worse since his sister had been murdered.
Jamie gave him one final glance before heading off to the kitchen for a glass of water. He gulped down two glasses of tepid water before grabbing a couple bottles of water from the fridge to take up to his room for his marathon study session. Hopefully, the water would help keep him awake where the coffee failed.
A muffled moan drifted in from the living room. Jamie fumbled the water bottles and kicked the refrigerator door closed. It shut with a loud bang that echoed in the silence. Sometimes this old drafty mansion was downright spooky.
He scuttled out of the kitchen only to be met with a shrill cry. This time Jamie didn't hesitate. He dropped the waters alongside the chair. "Jonathan. Hey, Jonathan!" he gently shook the man's shoulder.
Jamie wasn't prepared for the reaction he elicited. Jonathan nearly shot out of his seat until he was lightly restrained by Jamie's hands. He didn't so much as settle back into the chair as cower into it. Jonathan looked around at his surroundings wildly, squinting to make out the details.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy, man. It's just Jamie."
Jonathan shifted in the chair. He nodded absently, still a million miles away. "I know. You scared the hell outta me."
"That must have been some dream, man."
"Huh?" Jonathan's gaze shifted briefly to the fireplace. "I don't remember."
The averted gaze did not go unnoticed by Jamie. He had been living with him long enough to recognize this as one of the signs that Jonathan was either hiding something or just plain didn't want to talk about it. He figured it to be both. Not to mention the fact that Jonathan was breathing as if he had just finished a 10K.
Jamie reached down and grabbed one of the water bottles and screwed the top off. He held it out to Jonathan. "Here. Drink this. You're going to get dehydrated as much as you're sweating. Why is there a fire going anyway?"
"Th- thanks," he stammered. He smirked, remembering he had wondered the same thing earlier as he accepted the bottle of water. His hands shook, spilling small droplets of water as he attempted to bring it to his mouth. Jonathan willed them to stop long enough to take a sip. He swallowed hard.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Sure. I'm fine" Jonathan put on a smile to reassure the younger man.
Jamie eyed him doubtfully. "You're sure?"
"I'm fine, James!" The latter came out sharper than he had intended. He softened his tone. "You just scared me is all. I'm fine. Really!
"Actually, it's a good thing you woke me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move my neck tomorrow." Jonathan rubbed his neck for emphasis. "What are you doing up anyway?"
"Study break" It was clear to Jamie that Jonathan was trying to change the subject. Jamie went along knowing that no matter how he broached the subject, Jonathan would remain a closed book.
"Well, don't let me keep you."
Jamie took this as his cue to leave. He gave Jonathan a pat on the shoulder. He couldn't help but notice the slight flinch of the older man's shoulder at his touch. "Goodnight, Jonathan."
"'Night."
Jamie paused at the foot of the stairs, giving Jonathan one last glance. He watched as the man ran his hands through his hair and then leaned back as he shakily brought the bottle of water to his lips once more, trying to keep from spilling the cool liquid, but failing miserably. He started forward, but decided against it and turned toward the steps once more.
Since he was already up the steps Jamie did not see Jonathan get up and pace the living room only to sit right back down again. He did not see him throw the bottle of water into the fireplace sending wisps of gray smoke up to the vaulted ceiling. And he did not hear Jonathan whisper a silent prayer, "Help me, Erin. Please help me."
Sunlight streamed through the windows as Jonathan emerged from the shower. The steam plumed around him and settled on the mirror. He swiped a clean streak in the mirror and studied his reflection. Instead of waking him up and putting some color in his cheeks, the shower just made him appear more drawn and tired. The dark circles under his eyes and his dark hair plastered to his forehead contrasted sharply with his pale skin.
Jonathan turned away in disgust. He nearly ripped the mirror off its hinges trying to get to the contents within. The cap to the bottle he grabbed from the shelf stubbornly refused to give. It finally gave with a resounding pop and ibuprofen spilled all over the tiles. He picked a couple up and dry-swallowed them.
He plucked another bottle from within the cabinet, turning it over in his hand. It was only prophylactic at this point. The doctor was tapering them off and in a few weeks he wouldn't be needing them at all anymore. Taking the matter into his own hands he put the pill bottle back in its home without opening it.
The T-shirt he shrugged into hugged his frame. He threw another shirt on top trying to camouflage the weight loss that he knew was beginning to show. With a sigh, he exited the bathroom preparing himself to face another day.
To his pleasant surprise the house stood largely empty. A quick glass of juice and he'd be off to work. When he rounded the corner his assumption that the house was empty proved false. Amanda stood preparing a sandwich.
"Amanda...," Jonathan started.
"I'm sorry," they both said simultaneously.
Jonathan chuckled and looked away shyly. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn't have come on to you like that. There's no excuse."
"Maybe not, but I didn't have to be such a bitch about it." Amanda smiled and held the sandwich out to him. "Truce?"
"I'll take the truce, but pass on the sandwich. Thanks though." Jonathan traced the edge of the countertop with his index finger as he inched closer to her. "What are you up to today?"
"I have a very difficult day of sunning by the pool planned." Amanda threw her forearm against her head in a melodramatic pose. She was pleased when it elicited a smile from Jonathan. Those smiles were far too scarce in her opinion. "So any exciting plans for you?"
"Not as exciting as what you've got going on." He paused to pour his juice, eyeing her the whole time. "Just a double shift."
"Brave man." Amanda jumped up and pulled some contents from the fridge. She slapped together another sandwich and held it out to him. "Please eat, Jonathan. You and I both know that sucking on limes does not quite do it for dinner."
"Well, we've got the lemons and oranges too," he attempted to joke. "Cherries?" Amanda just gave him that don't-give-me-any-crap stare. "Alright, alright. I give." He accepted the sandwich and turned it over in his hands before forcing himself to take a bite.
Amanda took a big bite out of hers. "Mmmm, my favorite. Bologna.."
The bite was already in his mouth before she had divulged that information. The mayonnaise and ketchup caused the bologna to slide along his tongue .He chewed it carefully and tried to coax it down his throat. It made an excruciatingly long journey down his esophagus before landing in his stomach like a rock.
Unaware of her friend's struggles with her culinary concoction, she delved into the next bite fiercely. "Amazing! Who knew a sandwich could be this good?"
Jonathan lost the battle to keep the sandwich where it belonged. He ran for the bathroom and barely made it before the sandwich made its second appearance of the day. Amanda had been following closely on his heels and arrived as he collapsed against the cold tile wall. He flushed the toilet hurriedly.
Amanda sat down next to him and stroked his hair. "Are you going to be okay?"
Jonathan merely nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak at the moment. As it turned out it was a wise decision. Within minutes he was dry heaving into the toilet. He sunk down to the tile floor and struggled to sit up. "Sorry about that. I'm okay now."
"Don't be sorry. Great...leave it to me to feed you poisoned sandwiches," Amanda attempted to joke.
Amanda could not know the weight her words carried. But she did not miss the shadow that passed over her friend's face right before he shot forward for another round of dry heaves. Amanda sighed and rubbed his back in a gesture of comfort.
Jonathan leaned back against the wall, panting slightly. "Sorry about that."
"Stop apologizing. You're sick. No double shift for you tonight."
Jonathan rolled his eyes towards her. Moving his head just seemed too enormous a task. "Let me just sit here a minute. I'll be okay. " He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded his head. "I'm okay."
"Like hell you are. You are not going anywhere except up to bed." Jonathan opened his mouth to protest, but Amanda cut him off. "I'll cover your shifts. You have no business being in there right now. You look like crap."
"Gee thanks," Jonathan said wryly. He gave up arguing with her. Amanda was a formidable opponent, and he didn't have the energy to explain to her that he wasn't sick. What was he supposed to say? I'm seriously screwed up and the sight of a sandwich sends me off the deep end? No thanks. He didn't want to risk alienating one of the few friends he had.
Jonathan decided to play it her way. He raised himself up slowly on shaky legs and made his way up the stairs with Amanda one step behind him the whole way. She saw to it that he was settled in. Before she turned to leave Jonathan uttered another, "I'm sorry."
"For the last time stop apologizing. You apologize way too much." One hand hung coltishly on the doorknob. "Besides I owe you for all the shifts you've covered for me recently. Take care of yourself, or you'll have to answer to me."
Amanda turned to leave, but Jonathan's voice called out, "Amanda..." She turned towards the sound of his voice expecting another apology. Instead he whispered, "Thank you." She bit her lip and smiled at him as she closed the door.
The bass beat drove through her cerebrum like an ice pick. Amanda sighed wearily. It was only halfway through the double shift. The bar was dead and she must have wiped the bar top about a dozen times. The rag had turned cold in her hand.
Truthfully, she was worried about Jonathan - more so than usual. He had always been somewhat of an enigma to everyone he met, but not to her. He wasn't so hard to figure out. He was just this guy with a big heart wrapped in layers of pain - pain he tried to hide from the world. It only made her fall deeper in love with him.
Lately, he had been more than a little exasperating with his Lily and Ava drama. She didn't know whether it was guilt or obligation, or a bit of both. Either way he carried responsibility like a chain around his neck. Amanda figured she ought to cut him some slack. The poor guy had had a rather tough year. It's no wonder he couldn't tell which end was up. And he was such a good friend to her after Babe had "died",despite the fact that he was still in mourning for his beloved sister.
As Amanda contemplated the intricacies of Jonathan Lavery, the elder Lavery walked up to the bar. "Ryan."
"Hey, Amanda. How've you been?" Ryan folded his arms and leaned atop the bar.
"Can't complain. You?" Ryan shot her a look. "Riiiiight. Forget I asked."
"I thought Jonathan was working tonight."
"He was supposed to, but I'm covering. He wasn't feeling so hot." Amanda rearranged the glasses as she spoke.
Ryan wore a look of surprise. "Really? I talked to him earlier and he sounded just fine."
Amanda threw the rag down. "Oh, man. I bet it was my sandwich that did it. I thought that mayo was a little off."
"Wh-what? Wait a second. Jonathan ate a sandwich?" Ryan punctuated each word by tapping a finger on the bar.
"What's the big deal? A bologna sandwich is a perfectly normal lunch."
"A bologna sandwich? You're kidding me right?
"Yeah, so?"
"Huh. Well, Jonathan's never been a big fan of them."
"What is he like allergic or something?"
Ryan nodded noncommitally. "Yeah, something like that."
Amanda was puzzled at this shift in the conversation. It was clear Ryan wasn't going to explain without a whole lot of prying. "Ryan, c'mon - out with it."
Ryan sighed loudly. "I wish I could explain, but it's really not my story to tell."
Amanda rounded the bar and stood next to him. "Okay, now you're starting to freak me out."
Ryan ran a hand over his face. "Again, I wish I could explain, but I can't."
Amanda's heart began beating rapidly. She didn't know if she was angry or scared, or some combination of the two. "Who do I have to torture around here to get some answers?"
Ryan's eyes grew dim. He glanced around the bar and saw they were alone. "Alright, alright. If I tell you, you have to promise me that you will not say anything to Jonathan." Amanda started to speak, but Ryan held up a finger to silence her. "Knowing that you know could really hurt Jonathan. Promise me."
The last thing Amanda wanted was to hurt one of her best friends. "I promise."
"Jonathan told me this story after he came back to Pine Valley." Ryan rocked forward on his elbows. "After I left home, when it was just Jon and Erin... my old man, he used to do sick, twisted things to Jonathan." Ryan paused, unsure of how to go on. Hearing it had been hard, but to say the words aloud somehow made it hit home even harder.
Amanda didn't prompt Ryan. She knew he would continue when he was ready. He took a deep breath and began again. "One of the things he did - he thought it would be funny to make my brother a sandwich and then watch him eat it. When Jon was halfway through, he pushed it away. Jon asked 'why' and the deranged sonofabitch told him he had put enough poison in the sandwich - a bologna sandwich, by the way - to kill him."
Amanda gasped as the realization dawned on her, but she did not interrupt. "Jonathan threw it up and figured that was it. But our sorry excuse for a father told him that it wasn't poisoned, but one day it would be. He made my little brother eat those bologna sandwiches everyday, and everyday Jon would, um - he would get sick and throw up."
The tears spilled over and trickled slowly down her cheeks. She had known they had an abusive childhood, but she could not imagine until now the depths of the madness they had lived with. Her upbringing was far from normal, but one thing was for sure - her mother and her father had loved her and protected her, to a fault. And wonderful her had just handed her friend a memory from Hell, served on a plate. "Oh my God. How could I have forced him to eat that?"
Ryan's eyes met hers. "There's no way you could've known."
"Why didn't I just listen when he turned it down the first time?"
"Amanda..."
"Why - why would he eat that, knowing what it would do to him?"
Ryan shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe he didn't want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe he just didn't want to explain why he didn't want to eat it. Or maybe he was hoping that that chapter in his life was closed, and he could move on."
"Do you really think Jonathan's moved on?"
Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets and studied the floor. He slowly shook his head. "The Hell Patrick put him through - I don't know if he ever truly can."
Amanda blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over once again. "He cannot live the rest of his life under that shadow."
"I've tried to help him. Even when he lets me help, it doesn't seem to do a whole lot of good."
Amanda wore a sad smile. "Jonathan is pretty hard-headed."
Ryan cocked his head. "Yeah, that's my brother. He kinda had to be to survive." Ryan noticed Amanda's worried countenance. He placed a hand on her arm. "I'll talk to him."
Amanda nodded her thanks and went back behind the bar. As she watched Ryan leave, she tried to dampen the gnawing sense of foreboding in her gut.
Jonathan glided along the floor. He knew his feet were moving, but they never seemed to come in contact with the ground. Before him, a stairway rose up into the darkness. Without reason he followed the staircase, one foot and then the other. His fingers traced the inner wall of the ascending hallway, but he could find no purchase. The wall seemed to be made out of the same transparent substance as the floor.
The door at the top of the stairs creaked open, slowly, painfully. He had reached his destination and opened the door further, allowing a blinding white light to invade his sensitive orbs.
The cold white light dissipated like the morning fog. Through the remains of the streaming light. Jonathan saw the object of his search. She turned around, the sun rays catching the red strands and causing them to glow about her pale countenance. She laughed and the sound was like the most beautiful music he had ever heard.
Jonathan rushed to the form, aching to hug her, but she kept him at bay. "Erin..."
"My dear sweet Jonathan. How I've missed you." Erin's eyes were elated, but with an undercurrent of sadness in them.
He took another step forward. "I've missed you too...so much." He reached out and stroked a strand of her hair. It was more a filament for all the substance it had, but he didn't care. Here was his Erin in the flesh.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too Jonathan."
"Why, Erin? Why?" He left the open-ended question hanging in the air between them.
Erin merely shook her head in response. "I can't fix it for you this time, Jonathan." She turned away and began striding towards the horizon.
Jonathan caught up to her. "No, please don't go. Not yet." His eyes betrayed his confusion and his hurt. She turned back towards him and smiled thinly. Jonathan's eyes were shiny with unshed tears. "I'm sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you." Jonathan could no longer allow his touch to be shaken off. He enveloped his sister in a warm embrace.
He held onto her for everything he was worth. Unbeknownst to him the landscape around them had changed. The light was no longer white, but a filtered gray. The edges were sharp and fierce. And the weight in his arms became unbearable. He looked down into the sightless eyes of his sister. "Not again. Oh no, Erin. Please not again."
He cradled her lifeless body to him and rocked her back and forth, much like he had done on that fateful day. "Please, no. Please, please, please..."
Jonathan awoke with the plea still caught in his throat. He touched his cheeks and felt the dampness there. No matter how many times he had that dream, it left him with a welling sadness that could not be abated.
The four walls were closing in on him and the aching emptiness was more than he could bear. He threw on some clothes and set out for the one place where he might be able to find some comfort.
Ryan's hand hesitated mid-air before rapping briskly on the heavy wood. It was foreign to him, knocking on the door of Wildwind. There had been a time not so long ago he had called it his second home.
"Ryan," Julia greeted him.
"Hello, Julia." Ryan gave her a quick peck on the cheek.
Julia stepped back from the door. "Come in. How are Emma and Annie?"
Ryan rubbed the back of his neck. "You know...good. Kathy?"
Julia's face lit up. "She's amazing. But I guess I don't have to tell you. You're a parent. You know what it's like." Ryan only nodded his acknowledgment. "I get the feeling you didn't come all the way over here to make small talk."
"Actually I was looking for Jonathan. Is he uh, is he here?"
Julia shook her head, her dark hair falling in her face. "I haven't seen him, but you're welcome to go upstairs and see if he's up there."
"Thanks." Ryan's long strides carried him up the stairs in mere seconds. He found Jonathan's room disheveled, but empty. Ryan picked up a stray shirt as he crossed the threshold. It was clear the bed had been slept in as the sheets lay twisted and tangled near the foot of the bed.
He sighed. He had hoped to find Jonathan here, but it was possible his brother had been called into work early. He posed this possibility to Del as he encountered him in the hallway.
"No, man. He's not there. I've actually got the early shift today."
Ryan nodded his thanks absentmindedly as he tried to work out where his brother would've disappeared to at this time of the morning. He was about to give up when he was suddenly hit with the answer.
The ground make a crisp, crunching sound as Ryan approached the huddled form of his brother. He stood for a moment observing his younger brother who was still unaware of his presence. Jonathan's lips moved. Ryan couldn't tell if it was in silent prayer or from simple chattering. It was barely thirty degrees outside, an early frost having formed, and Jonathan was only dressed in a thin cotton shirt.
Ryan's breathed plumed around him as he began to speak. "How long have you been here?" Jonathan's attention was not diverted. His eyes continued to stare straight ahead at the words written on the marble. His lips were still moving.
The elder Lavery slipped onto the bench next to his brother and put a hand on his shoulder. "Jonathan..."
Jonathan pulled back at his brother's touch, but otherwise did not acknowledge his presence. Ryan whispered his name again. Only then did Jonathan turn his head to look at Ryan. "Hockett, what are you doing here at this hour?"
Perhaps the question did not need to be asked. The answer was, after all, pretty obvious. Jonathan responded anyway. "I just needed to be here." Jonathan's eyes slowly rose up to meet Ryan's. In them Ryan could see the lost little boy always hidden superficially beneath the surface. The dark circles only amplified the perception.
"Have you slept?"
Jonathan's arms hugged his thin form. After a slight pause, he nodded.
"How much?"
"Enough," was Jonathan's terse reply. His defenses were going up and if the final brick went up in that wall, Ryan would have no hope of breaking through. He tried another approach.
Ryan cupped the back of Jonathan's neck. His brother's icy skin was a sharp contrast to the heat that radiated from his hand. Jonathan shivered under the newfound warmth. Wordlessly, Ryan took off his topcoat and laid it across the younger man's shoulders. He did not shrug it off as Ryan feared, but he did initially reject his offer to get him someplace warm.
Ryan made another attempt. "Let's go somewhere and get a cup of coffee. Talk."
"Thank you, no. I just need to some time to think."
"What is it, Hockett? What's got you so rattled?"
"I'm fine, Ry. I just want to sit here awhile."
Ryan leaned back on the stone bench, defeated. "At least let me take you home."
"Ryan," Jonathan's voice carried a warning undertone. "When I'm ready," he emphasized, "I'll find my way home."
Ryan wondered if Jonathan realized his words carried a hidden meaning. He doubted it, but it sounded prophetic to his ears nonetheless. He encircled his arms around his brother. Jonathan did not return the hug as he usually did, but that did not deter Ryan from giving a final squeeze. Finally, he stood and took a few steps towards the walkway.
"Your jacket..."
"Keep it." Ryan did not wait for answer. Head down, he disappeared behind the brush.
Ryan didn't know how much time had passed as he stood out of sight watching his brother. His hands had grown numb in the pockets of his jeans as Jonathan finally rose. His brother leaned down and placed a hand on the headstone before trudging wearily off into the distance. Only then did Ryan climb into his car and turn over the engine.
Annie greeted Ryan at the door. "I'm glad you're home. Emma's been asking for her daddy to tuck her in." She planted a kiss on his lips.
"Yeah, sorry it took me so long. I lost track of time." He slipped off his sports coat and hung it on the rack.
"Were did you go anyway? And where's your jacket?"
Ryan ran a hand through his close-cropped hair. "Long story." Emma bounded down the steps and jumped into his arms temporarily relieving him of the need to explain. "Let's say we get you up to bed."
Annie blew her daughter a kiss as she was being carried upstairs. She set about the task of straightening up the living room as she awaited Ryan to come back down. When he did finally descend the steps only minutes later, she could plainly see something was amiss.
Annie led her husband over to the couch. The fireplace crackled invitingly. She tried to wait out the silence, but when he failed to speak, she gently prompted him. "So what's going on? What's got you so tense?"
She continued to trace circles on his hands with her thumbs as he spoke. "Jonathan."
"Jonathan?" Her face belied her puzzlement. "I thought everything was okay. I thought he was doing okay."
"Me too." Ryan chewed on his lip, gathering his thoughts. "But I'm not sure anymore. I found him at the cemetery -"
"Not so weird."
"No, but the fact that he walked there in this weather without a coat is."
"Okay, maybe not the wisest decision, but hardly grounds for concern."
"Maybe not. But it was more than that. There was this look in his eyes... this ... disconnection."
"Maybe it's from lack of sleep. You yourself have said Jonathan's insomnia is nothing new." Annie became disconcerted as Ryan stood up and paced frenetically in much the same manner that she was accustomed to see Jonathan doing.
He stopped pacing and faced her once again. "No, it's more than that. That look...I haven't seen him look like that since before the surgery."
"Wait a second. Are you saying maybe the tumor's back? That he could be a danger?"
Ryan scrubbed his hands over his face. "No, I'm not saying the tumor's back or that he's dangerous. It was like before, but different." Ryan looked into the confused face of his wife. "I know I'm not making any sense. There wasn't any malice in his eyes. It was like he was withdrawn - totally withdrawn and lost and afraid.
"You were right. I should have got him help - forced him if I had to - after Erin. He's been through so much."
"Yeah. Yeah, he has." Annie rubbed a soothing hand up and down Ryan's arm as he chewed on a nail. "More than anyone should have to go through. And what he did for me and Emma, I can never repay him for. But I know it cost him."
Ryan nodded absently. "That's Jonathan. He'll put himself through the wringer if it means sparing someone he loves."
"That sounds pretty accurate from what I've seen."
"I wish he would let me help him. I may have left him when he was little, but I refuse to stand by and do nothing now."
"Ryan, Jonathan has told you that was in the past. He's forgiven you for it. Erin forgave you. Why can't you forgive yourself.?"
"You didn't look into your brother's eyes as he called you 'Dad'. You didn't hear him begging me not to hit him because he thought I was our father. The fear, Annie - the fear. You can't imagine. Through his delusions and hallucinations, I got a glimpse into Jonathan's Hell firsthand and it physically sickened me that I had left my brother with that monster. What he did to him -"
Tears pricked the corner of Annie's eyes. Her heart hurt for both her husband and the brother he loved so much. "Ryan, you did the best you know how. You protected him as well as you could. If you stayed would it have really been any different? You escaped your own Hell"
"Yeah, I did. I got lucky. But Jonathan...he wasn't just beat on; he was tortured. I'm not so sure that's a Hell he'll ever be free of." Ryan's watery blue eyes met his wife's for the first time since he began speaking. "I'm terrified for him. I think he's descending into his own personal Hell, and I have no idea how to save him from himself."
Jonathan snapped his cell phone shut. Ryan had left him yet another message. He supposed he was avoiding him, but he was just growing weary of people treating him like he was about to break in two. He hefted the case of glasses up from the shelf in the storage room and made his way into the bar.
Amanda met him halfway. "Here, let me take those." She reached for the glasses.
"I got them." Amanda looked doubtful but dropped her hands back down to her sides. "Really," Jonathan reassured her as he plopped them down on the counter. "See. No problem."
"Jonathan, you've been here since this morning. You're exhausted. Go home, I've got this." She indicated the nearly empty bar.
"I don't care how empty it is. I'm not leaving you to close down a bar alone."
Amanda looked up and smiled as Josh walked in. "I'm not alone. Josh'll stay with me, won't you?"
"Either you guys were talking about me, or I have impeccable timing as usual." He skipped down the steps and grabbed a seat at the bar. Jonathan shook his hand and set him up for a drink.
A few more patrons trickled in as Jonathan went to return the case to the storage area. He lifted it up on the high shelf, but was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. He sat down on an old box to steady himself.
In a few moments, it passed and he was able to return to the bar. "Where did you go to put that away? B.J's?"
"I was just straightening up a bit." Jonathan turned around to grab a pitcher of water, but his hand fell slightly short of the mark. He made two more attempts before his hand closed on the target. Josh watched all this with interest.
"You know, Jonathan, if you wanna get out of here, I'll wait around for Amanda." Josh sipped his beer nonchalantly.
"Are you two in cahoots together? I appreciate the offer, but I can hang another hour."
Josh inched closer to the bar, making his way to the side Jonathan was on. He watched as Jonathan picked up a glass and brought it tentatively to his lips. He set it down without incidence. Josh wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for, but Jonathan did not look himself. He wanted to stick close, not so much for Amanda's sake, but Jonathan's.
"So Amanda, tell me, what's a hot girl like you doing in a dump like this?" Josh turned on his most charming smile.
Amanda threw a lemon slice past his ear. "Watch it. I thought we were past all that."
"You can never have too much of a good thing."
"Cut it out. I don't miss a second time." She arced her arm back, ready to fire at the next thing that came out of his mouth.
Jonathan slipped around Amanda. "We're out of Heineken. I'm going to go grab some."
Amanda watched him walk off before she continued her banter with Josh. They were both so deep in their conversation that neither one noticed that he had returned until they heard the resounding crash of the beer bottles hitting the floor. A stray bottle, still intact, had landed an inch from Amanda's foot.
Josh's focus was on Jonathan. He slid off his bar stool and approached him. "Are you okay man?" Jonathan wanted to answer, but he couldn't. Time had slowed down until it was standing still and then everything faded to black.
Josh watched Jonathan's eyes roll back in his head and he knew what he was witnessing. He caught him before he keeled over and gently lowered him to the floor before the seizure hit full force.
"Oh my God." Amanda came out from behind the bar, rocked by the sight of her friend thrashing uncontrollably on the floor.
Josh struggled to keep the back of Jonathan's skull from rhythmically hitting the marble floor. He was all too familiar with Jonathan's medical history having witnessed one of his seizures before.
"We need to get him to the hospital." Amanda had been with him for the last seizure too and she was no less frightened this time around.
Still holding a firm grip on Jonathan's head, Josh snuck a look at his watch. "Let's not panic just yet. It's been going on two minutes. It should be slowing down soon." No sooner had the words left Josh's mouth then Jonathan's body seemed to relax. "But it wouldn't be a bad idea if we could give him some air," Josh said glancing around at the small crowd of on-lookers that had formed.
Amanda let out the breath she had been holding. "Please, we need everyone to exit the bar immediately. We're closing up now." Most of the few stragglers were respectful and left. Amanda showed the last one out the door.
"Amanda," Josh's voice rose up from around the bar counter. "I need you for a sec."
She hurried over to the spot where Jonathan lay twitching and thrashing once again. "What's happening?"
"He's having another one. I'm holding his head, but I need you to get him on his side as fast as you possibly can."
Amanda didn't have time to do anything but listen. She, as gently as she could, pushed Jonathan over on his side. It was a struggle. "Go on, you're not hurting him," Josh encouraged her.
Finally his weight shifted the way it was supposed to - and with not a second to spare. Jonathan vomited profusely. "Keep him on his side, Amanda. Keep him there or he could aspirate."
Amanda did as she was told all the while trying to still her shaking hands and blink back the tears.
"I think it's time to call the EMTs now." Josh grabbed his cell and summoned the ambulance. Amanda barely heard him, her attention focused on Jonathan. His color was a sickly, ashen gray. The rise and fall of his chest was erratic and failed to put her at ease.
"He's going into another one." A thin sheen of perspiration had broken out on Josh's brow from the physical effort of keeping the airway open..
"Wait, three seizures in a row? Is that even possible?"
"Yes, it is. It's called status epilepticus." Josh stopped answering Amanda's questions so he could attend to his patient. Jonathan was turning blue around the lips. He needed to be oxygenated. "Where are those guys? C'mon!"
It seemed like an eternity before the flashing red lights could be seen bouncing off the mirror behind the bar. Amanda was pushed back in a flurry of activity. She twisted her necklace in worry as she caught bits and pieces of the conversation.
"We need to protect his airway. Tube him."
"Start a line...get some Ativan."
"Jesus, here comes another one."
"...history of a brain tumor."
"We need to get him there now."
The words swirled in eddies around her head leaving her lightheaded. She struggled to catch her breath as she watched Jonathan being strapped down and lifted onto the gurney. One lifeless hand slipped off the edge, and it was quickly placed back by one of the paramedics.
Josh had to grab her shoulders to get her attention. "Amanda, go with him. I'll follow in my car, okay?"
Amanda shook her head to clear it. "No. You go. You used to be a doctor. You can be of more help."
"Amanda, I don't think it's a good idea you driving in the shape you're in."
"Josh, you'll do him more good. I'll be fine. Please," she pleaded with him.
Josh reluctantly agreed. Amanda waited until the door to the ambulance shut before dissolving into tears.