A tall dark-haired boy stood in the dark kitchen. A cleaver shone in his hand, reflecting the moonlight.
He didn't want to. It just hurt so much. He couldn't continue. It was like a physical ache. No, ache couldn't begin to describe it. More of a gushing wound, roaring with pain.
He glanced at his katana, lying on the counter. His faithful Mugen. The only one that hadn't left. Why did they always leave?
He rested his arm, palm up, on the chopping block. "Goodbye," he whispered.
THUNK!
The slash oozed blood, far slower than he expected. But it would all be gone soon. He glanced down at his wrist again, holding back the stream of tears.
Something was wrong. He wiped away the blood on himself. Where the cut had been, now there was only a thin white line.
Kanda fell to his knees, weeping at the life that wouldn't leave.
-:-
The thin blade slid out of chest, tracking a splatter of red across the hay. Kanda stood up, throwing the scythe blade to the barn floor.
Why wouldn't it end? They had. Why couldn't he see them again?
-:-
He struggled up from the cobble street, bones mending themselves as he rose. He strode back into his foster family's house.
"Yuu?" his foster mother asked, "Are you feeling alright?"
"Just fine," Kanda replied, tired of his never-ending struggle. Tired of trying to start again every time. To move on.
He ran up the stairs and slammed the door of his room. He ripped the clothes from his body, not even caring as the fabric tore. He looked at himself, naked in his mirror. He turned, revealing the sigil tattooed onto his shoulder. He had realized a while ago it was the thing healing his every injury. It had probably been meant as a gift. Instead of a curse.
A sudden fury overtook him, and he ripped at the mark with his nails. Again and again. He would be free.
-:-
He slashed at his wrist over and over, not caring that each time a new layer of flesh appeared. He wept in his mindless rage and sorrow.
The knife clattered to the floor, trailing blood from dozens of sorrowful wounds.
Kanda tipped over, landing in a weeping heap on floor. Weeping crimson tears.
-:-
Kanda sat on his bed, Mugen in hand. He had never tried to dirty Mugen with his blood. Mugen was the only thing in this world that mattered to him.
He stood up, flipping up his mattress. Hidden on the crossbeams were forty sheets of paper. Forty notes. All which no one but him had ever read. Soon a forty-first would join them.
Touching the point of the katana to the tip over one finger, he pressed down, gently. He couldn't let someone hear if he failed.
A tiny fountain of blood rose, than abruptly stopped, leaving a droplet on his finger. With an impatient flick, the droplet hit his wall. Kanda stared at it for a moment, then turned his attention back to his bloody finger.
He squeezed on it, surprised when another speck of blood came forth. He had found it. His way out. It gave him only a grim satisfaction, not the excitement he had expected.
Maybe because since he had joined the Black Order, he had been, low and behold, happy. Yes, happy. He hadn't tried to kill himself since he had been living in a box, after his fifth set of foster parents had cast him onto the street.
But it wouldn't last. The happiness. It was weak. He would see his family again. In the after life.
He walked to the center of the stone room, Mugen in hand, and shoved the handle into a crack in the floor. He stepped back, preparing himself for what he was about to do.
There was loud whack on his door. "C'mon Kanda," the familiar voice of Allen complained, "we're going to be late."
"Yeah, Yuu," the annoying voice of Lavi called, "you take longer than a girl to get ready."
A slow smile cracked the usually emotionless face of Kanda.
"I'll be out in a sec!" he called out, unnaturally cheerful.
Maybe he had a reason to live after all.
-:-
I'd like to thank you for reading. This is my first D. Gray Man fic. The story fit so well with Kanda, I just had to write it with him as the main character.
As you can probably tell, I'm pretty messed up. This story came from my angst anf turmoil. Sounds corny, but its true.
I'd like to thank ExorcistArtemis and Sparkles666, the Queen of the Livingly Challenged, for introducing me to D. Gray Man. And being cool people.
Again, thank you for reading. Please review.