Winner Takes it All

by Leafwhistler

Lina contemplates how Amelia and Zelgadis' relationship has changed her life.

The disclaimer

The disclaimer...yes, we all hate saying this, but it's true: Slayers doesn't belong to me or anybody else that I know. This song, The Winner Takes It All, is by the group ABBA. It is an old, but excellent, song that has been stuck in my head for weeks. The lyrics are in italics. Flashbacks are in bold. This is my first fic of any kind ever...so while comments and complaints are appreciated, cut me a little slack. My main character seems to be ooc, but this is something I can see happening at the conclusion of the Slayers series. Warning: Kind of long and angsty.

I don't wanna talk

About the things we've gone through

Your sapphire eyes are so fierce that your gaze pierces through my normal facade. Again I am thankful for the darkness which hides the way my own ruby eyes have muted. You pass a smile my way. I know that it's supposed to be a smile of gratitude. So tell me why it sticks in the back of my throat. Why it makes my stomach lurch and makes me want to leave my bowl of stew uneaten. But this is probably the last night that we will all spend together out here under the stars. After that it will be two or three days going through towns before we reach Sailoon. And then you will be hers. So I stay here eating stew that tastes like ashes. The rest of you laugh and talk about the good old times. The numerous occasions where we risked it all and came through victorious. Even Slypheil joins in the conversation, her face occasionally blushing as Gourry praises her cooking (unsurprisingly, the only part of the adventures he really remembers). I love a good story—especially when I am the heroine in it. But all of these stories are about us, and soon, because I helped you, it will only be me.

Though it's hurting me

Now it's history

The important thing is that you will be happy. I keep telling myself that that's all that really matters. Most of the time it's even true. But there is one little piece of me that keeps whispering that I wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't promised to help. As we sit here reminiscing, I also am drawn, but to a much different memory.

My eyes stare over the campfire noting the way you hold your cup of tea. I've long since memorized these little details over our evening talks. The way you close your eyes before you inhale the steam. How you totally relax each muscle before you drink. That odd little sigh you make when you are totally content and the way the firelight plays off your metallic hair. You call my name and I shake myself out of my thoughts. I look up—a mistake as my heart catches in my throat. You eyebrow ticks for a second, the way it always does when you are upset about something.

"Yeah, Zel?" You look nervous and prod the campfire with a stick. Embers roll out and you hiss as you quickly push them in again. "Look Zel," I say, "Are you gonna tell me what it bothering you or am I gonna have to beat it out of you?" I smile a little to take away the sting. A small smile tugs at the corner of your mouth.

"Can we talk out there?"

You point to a nearby glen away from the sleeping princess and the snoring swordsman. Sensing this is not one of our usual late night discussions, I nod. I step over the princess who even in her dreams mumbles about justice and about love. Softly I smile at the innocent young woman who, despite her annoying speeches, I would gladly call my sister. The swordsman shifts slightly still holding on to a replacement for the Sword of Light. Once we seat ourselves in the glen you begin to mumble. My heart stops for a moment. You must be leaving again. Off to find the cure you don't need. My heart drops. Finish it quickly Zel. For both our sakes, finish it quickly. "Spit it out, Zel."

"I think I love Amelia."

Your eyes are serious. My heart feels like it has stopped and plunged into the dark abyss of my soul. I can hear myself choke out some words. "What about your cure?"

"I don't need one anymore."

I simply nod. Fighting back the tears in my eyes, I ask you only one question. My voice is solemn even in my own ears. "Will you really be happy with her, Zel?" You nod grinning slightly. "So why are you telling me about it?" You stumble as you give voice to your fears. How you want her to see you and not just the chimera. How you want to make sure that it is love on her part and not pity. How you need help setting it all up. "What are best friends for?" I ask you. I close my eyes to bury the pain that I am feeling. But when I open them again, I am ready to help you win the woman you love.

I've played all my cards

And that's what you've done too

And so we did. I sat here and cheered for you as you courted my little sister. I worked out some of the details you needed for your candle lit dinners. I reminded you of her birthday and all the other important holidays girls expect men to remember. I held your hand after one of the more spectacular fights and cradled you in my arms as you cried, your crystalline tears shattering on the ground. All the while ruthlessly suppressing the part of me that wished I meant something more to you. That I was worth crying over.

Nothing more to say

No more ace to play

So what if I am your best friend? She's your love. All of the time we spent together is what I get to keep. Besides, once you marry her, you're practically part of my family right? Amelia is so happy to be near you she glows. There will be no final acts of desperation on my part. I want both of you to be happy. That is more important to me than life itself. So I'll do all I can to make sure that it happens. Even if it means breaking my own heart. 'Cause I don't really matter. Right?

The winner takes it all

The loser standing small

Beside the victory

That's her destiny

I watch you enter the city gates of Sailoon. You both wave back at me. Gulping, I remember that I myself am not important. Once long ago I thought only of myself. I still act that way, but I'm more concerned about my friends than I ever let on. I remind myself that this is for the best. Smiling, I wave back. Still, when you put your arm around her, I choke slightly on my good intentions. "Come on Gourry, let's go. There's a buffet down the street." Gourry, the older brother I always wished I had, gives me an understanding look. For once we walk to our next meal.

I was in your arms

Thinking I belonged there

The opened envelope lays there on bed side table. I can make out the silvery writing that announces your big day. I expected it months ago. Surprisingly, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. What actually hurt the most was the penned note inside, not where Amelia plead for me to be the Maid of Honor, but the one where you ask me if I'm happy. I've spent so longer wearing this cheerful mask I'd almost forgotten that that is all it is—a mask. I'd forgotten that you were the only one who ever got past my walls. That night you held me in your arms as I silently sobbed for an end. You comforted me after my nightmare while the others lay quietly sleeping. The reoccurring memory of being consumed by darkness as the Lord of Nightmares took my body away from me. Frightened by the knowledge that she could do so again if she so chose. You wiped the tears from my eyes while I came to terms with the consequences of Nightmare magic. The warmth of your body as you held me against your chest was what helped me pull through the night. The way you stroked my long hair and kissed the top of my head. I felt so loved and protected that you had to wake me when dawn approached. I had fallen asleep in your arms. Did I ever thank you for that night? Did I ever tell you that that was when I fell in love with you? No, of course not.

I figured it made sense

You building me a fence

After that I could feel you watching me. I know that you sealed away that dark dream. I heard you chant the spell one cold December evening while I lay next to the fire, trying to dispel the old terror and go back to sleep. It was the first time that any one had ever tried to protect me. Emotionally, I mean. Why would any one ever care about the Dramatta, the enemy of all who live, Chaos' poster child? Before I always retaliated with a fireball, trying to burn away the shame that writhed inside. Once you joined our party it didn't happen as often. I still liked to throw the occasional pyro spell, but we stuck up for each other. I miss that.

You building me a home

Thinking I'd be strong there

I know you assumed that I would stay with Gourry, but Gourry has been chained to me for far too long. I attract too much trouble. Without the Sword of Light he won't be able to survive as my traveling companion. Besides, I know enough about love now to see the looks he exchanges with Slyphiel. No, I'll send them on their way before too long. On the road to happiness. Away from me...

But I was a fool

Playing by the rules

Why didn't I ever tell you how much I loved you? Perhaps there was some part of me, down farther than anyone ever looks that wanted to be the innocent beautiful maiden. The one whose love would whisper his declaration of love in her ear as they embraced under the starry sky. And in return she would gaze back and respond with the same words on her lips. No, it couldn't be that. I made peace with that fact long ago. No man would ever dare. First Luna-chan, and then I, made sure of that. We built a wall too high for any normal man to surmount. But it wasn't any of these things. I thinking it was actually watching you both together. Knowing in the bottom of my gut that you were made for one another. It looked so perfect. A fairy tale just waiting to happen. A tragic hero cursed by an evil mage. Your quest to break his awful spell. And the fairy princess, my little sister, showering you with her golden smile.

The gods may throw the dice

Their minds as cold as ice

So I stand here in the line for your reception. I've smiled and shook hands with all the dignitaries. To be honest, my face hurts from smiling so much and I try not to gnash my teeth as people jerk away at the mention of my name. I watch as Phil hands his daughter off to you and you celebrate the first steps in your new life together with a dance. It's the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. Yet my insides ache and belatedly I try to remember why I'm still here. There are so many people around me. The crush is unbearable and I long for nothing more than to fly far, far away. Somewhere that I've never been heard of. Somewhere that they've never heard of you. So I, the great Lina Inverse, can hide alone with her broken heart.

And someone way down here

Loses someone dear

It was thoughtful of you to leave me a note this morning. I understand that you were too busy to say goodbye. Maybe it's better this way. Now I can slip out of your life as silently as possible. Why should I taint your new found happiness with my own regrets? You asked that I come back and visit. Gourry and Slyphiel asked me the same before they left for Sairaag this morning. The chasm inside my heart widens a little more. Before long the emptiness will consume me. My fingers brush against your note. It lies on the bed of this elegant guest room. It is obvious as I stand here in my traveling outfit that I don't belong here. For a moment my fingers itch. But, no, I will leave the note behind. The penned letters are as perfect as this room. Such a note has no business with a misfit like me. Even the rounded structures making up the last words in the letter mock me. Oh yes, I promise to visit, but not too soon. Not until I can master the despair and loneliness in my heart. I won't hurt either of you that way.

The winner takes it all

The loser has to fall

It's simple and it's plain

Why should I complain?

I tell myself that I'm not sad. I smile at the people I pass in the market place. I still blow up the occasional bandit gang and loot their treasure. I enjoy my long baths in springs and the sumptuous meals that I don't have to share. But somehow the food doesn't taste as good as it used to. The long soaks in the springs I find aren't as relaxing. The bandit gangs aren't as much fun to beat up. And sometimes, when the wind blows a certain way, I feel the need to look over my shoulder for the companions I left behind. Or was it me that got left behind? When all of my friends found a life and some one to love perhaps I was too busy running ahead, shaking down bandits, saving the world.

I toy with the edge of my cape as I sit on a bed at yet another inn. I enjoy it outside the barrier. It provided a place that I could lose myself until I was ready to face the world again. A place where nobody knew my name. I enjoy the anonymity I have here. I take comfort in the fact that no one shrinks back when I introduce myself. Despite this, your letter found me. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that I haven't visited in over five years. Zander would be almost nine now and I've never laid eyes the twins. I finger the edge of the royal stationary as I read the last couple lines again. A reunion, huh? I guess I could stop by Sairaag and visit all my godchildren at once. I smile as I gather my cloak and go out to buy gifts for my godchildren. On the journey back I joke and jest with the ship's crew. I hum as I hike through the forests I missed so much outside of the barrier. I'm so cheerful during the day that I can almost forget that I've begun to wake up every night, tears running down my face, calling your name.

But tell me does she kiss

The way I used to kiss you?

Blonde and raven haired children laugh under the apple tree as we tumble about and they play with their new favorite toy-- mainly their "Auntie" Lina. Gourry sits watching as he polishes his sword. The smell of dinner is floating out of the kitchen window. The smell of fish steamed in ginger is tantalizing and my mouth waters appreciatively for the woman who remembers my favorite meal on the road. Gourry's oldest, Leah, holds the baby while I tickle his feet. Meanwhile the two middle boys, Jamie and Los, try to sneak up and take me by surprise. The baby shrieks with laughter as I turn around and growl like a bear. But as I deal with my attackers I can see Slypheil come out and kiss my older brother. She calls for the kids to come in and wash up. Gourry goes in to referee the water fight that is sure to ensue. Married life agrees with him. His memory seems to have improved immensely. I can almost hold a normal conversation with him now.

Slypheil softly interrupts my thoughts. "Sorry about that Lina. They can be little ruffians. And they have been waiting for their Auntie to come play with them ever since we got your letter. Amelia and Zelgadis should be arriving tomorrow. Then you'll probably have a little breathing space."

"No problem, Slypheil. I enjoy playing with them-- I really do." I start to dust myself off. She turns to go inside. As she enters I pause for a moment. The house has a warm glow to it that speaks of untold love. Some little part of me wonders what it would be like to have a home and a family of my own. A love that completed me. Oh L-sama, is this what I gave up? The laughter and tears of my own children. The comforting arms of my love wrapped around me. It was worth it, wasn't it? The power I gained was tremendous. No one else in the world has the ability to control such magic. I am the vessel of the Lord of Nightmares herself. As such I command the fear and the respect of all. Along with this power I gain the thrill, the awe, and the satisfaction that surges through me as I acquire more knowledge. I have gained it all: respect, power untold, and unlimited knowledge there for the taking. It was all I ever wanted. But will it be enough to fill the void in my soul?

Does it feel the same

When she calls your name?

The fire crackles and casts a perfect light by which to tell the children stories. I laugh as they all clamor for their favorites and Benji, his lavender hair all mussed, climbs into my lap. Leah claps with delight as I conjure an image to go along with the story. The twins are entranced and even Zander, who proclaimed himself too old for bedtime stories, looks suitably impressed. I can hear my old friends talking quietly in the kitchen and Amelia peers out every so often to make sure that the twins are behaving for me. Behind her I can see you staring over your mug, watching me with a look of amusement in your eyes. They still sparkle a deep sapphire blue. Blushing, I stumble over a few words and Benji shifts in my lap. I continue with the story, but still glance at you out of the corner of my eye. Gourry offers you a biscuit and Slyphiel refills your mug. I miss chatting with the adults, but the adoration and love of the children is enough for now. It has to be. As the story comes to an end you collect the sleeping Benji from my arms. Slypheil leads off the older children and the pregnant Amelia takes Benji from you. You smile and kiss Benji on the forehead. The radiant princess whispers something in your ear and, even over here, I can hear the low chuckle that emits from your mouth. I turn away as you kiss your wife on the cheek. Forgive me. I'm afraid it still hurts even after all of these years. I can feel your questioning gaze on my back. Uncomfortable, I announce a little too loudly that I am going to bed. Instead I slip outside to sit under the apple tree. Hopefully, if I sit out here long enough, you will go to bed and I can sneak back into the house unobserved. Through softly scented branches I watch the heavens pulse as I continue to wrestle with the loneliness eating away at my heart.

Somewhere deep inside

You must know I miss you

The lights in the house have all gone out. I put my feelings aside and breathe in the fresh cool air. Fireflies dance and signal each other with their secret codes. On and off they blink over the lake behind the house. I jump as the grass next to me crunches. You catch my wrist and pull me back down. The fireball forming in my hands fades out. Scowling, I turn to face you, ready to chew you out for scaring me. And then you laugh that rumbling laugh of yours. I'd forgotten how it always made me smile.

"I'd forgotten how much you dislike people sneaking up on you. I daresay that that fireball was for me." I nod still glowering a little. "Then you've learned a little more self control. Congratulations, Lina. Still I've missed being charred every now and again," you tease, your eyes echoing your laughter. I shrug since there is no graceful way to respond. But gradually the tension in my frame eases and we fall into a companionable silence. If it were any one else sitting here with me I would feel the need to fill the silence. We used to sit this way during watch. Arguing over the intricacies of spells, discussing our up coming travel plans, or just looking at the stars and enjoying the Amelia/Gourry free silence. Looking at your face, I wonder if you haven't missed this too. The night air causes me to shiver. Even outside the barrier I still haven't grown accustomed to the deep chill of night. I decide that it is time to seek the warmth of my bed. But you stop me as I rise.

"Wait."

So I do. I raise my eyebrow slightly as I stand there waiting for you to continue. Instead you continue to gaze out over the lake. You look uncertain about what you are going to ask. My throat closes a little as I stare at you in the moonlight. But Lina Inverse doesn't run away from regrets and she doesn't give into them either. I sit waiting for you to speak again.

"You never answered all of my questions," you state quietly.

I look up in astonishment. "What questions? I haven't even had a chance to talk to you since you arrived today Zel!" My anger is getting the better of me and I can feel my cheeks starting to flush. I hate it when you jump into these conversations and never bother to fill me in on the rest of it. It reminds me of Xelloss. It makes me feel used. Unimportant. Alone.

"Not today," you say, waving my anger aside. "I meant in my letters. Oh, you send short replies. Having a great time here, can't complain, following a lead on this rare and priceless artifact. But you never answer my question."

My stomach clenches. I know exactly what you are referring to. There's a good reason I never answered that. I simply don't want to tell you. Because then I'd have to admit it to myself. Your voice interrupts my bitter reflection.

"I ask you again, Lina," you say, gently turning my body to face you. You grip my shoulders as if to keep me from fleeing. Your voice is still soft, but it penetrates the cool night air. Your eyes lock onto mine as if daring me to lie. "Are you happy?"

How can three such innocent little words be so formidable? How can they rip through my soul leaving dark despair in their wake? And how could I ever I answer them honestly? I know that if I open my mouth to lie that the words will catch in my throat. The tumbling confusion in my mind shows in my eyes. For a moment I'm afraid of you. Not just for you and the problems my blunt answer would cause. The importance that you've placed on the answer scares me. What would happen if I did tell you the truth? If I broke down sobbing in your arms and admitted how lonely I was? If I really told you why I couldn't stand to visit? If I told you I still loved you? Or how guilty I feel for being jealous of the love you share with Amelia? I'm scared of the answer you seek, but not half as afraid as I am of its consequences.

But what can I say

Rules must be obeyed

I find strength in my fear. I always have. A stolid rope of steel grows out of its tendrils and builds a foundation of hard determination. In it, I find the courage to answer you. "What kind of question is that?" I look you straight in the eye. "Why shouldn't I be happy?" I demand vehemently. "I have exciting and amazing adventures. I have more power than anyone has every dreamed of. I have the respect I've been seeking my entire life. I have more than most people ever desire."

Secretly, I am shocked at the lack of bitterness in my voice. All of it is true, so very true-- and all of them the very same reasons I'm so unhappy. You stand there teetering on the brink of indecision. I can see it in your eyes. You want to believe me. All you need is one more little push. I summon up by best smile and throw you a jaunty wink. "Besides," I add, "nobody snatches the last of my chicken dinners either."

That cinches it. You laugh, your fears forgotten. "I'm sorry to have bothered you about it Lina." Your voice grows husky and your eyes are far away. "It's just that I owe so much of my happiness to you." I stare out across the lake and tuck my feelings about this conversation away. There will be time enough to examine them later. The emotional moment past, we talk a while more over little things before I decide to retreat to my bed.

The judges will decide

The likes of me abide

I lay awake in the guest room that Slypheil prepared for me. I can't sleep. From here I can see the top of the dresser covered with the drawings that Jamie and the twins drew for me this afternoon. Admittedly, I have never thought of myself as a hot pink stick figure or as my Dragon Slave a fat blue panda with wings (what kind of stories have you guys been telling these kids?), but I can't deny the fact that I was touched by the gifts. On top of Benji's drawing lies the multi-colored rock Leah gave me. Next to that is a white down feather Zander found on our forest 'adventure'. I try to meditate, but the conversation we had before bed still nags at the back of my mind. Sighing, I cast a light spell, climb out of my warm resting place, and walk to the dresser. As the brush glides through my fiery curls I think more about what you said. Happiness? What a fickle word. It saddens me that you think you couldn't have won Amelia without my help. You would have done fine without me; you're the only one who ever thought otherwise. Most of me wants to shout with joy. I'm ecstatic that you have found your place in the world and found the person that completes you. That is what I have always wanted you to achieve. I'm glad to hear that you are content with the life you have Zelgadis. You deserve it all. All I had to do was move out of your life. It seemed a small price to pay next to your happiness. A small tear leaks out of my left eye. Yes, the cost. A price I paid in full. The true meaning of it echoes across empty recesses of my mind and of my heart. Hush, I tell myself. It was worth it. It was all worth it. But as I crawl back into bed I am still unsure whether I will laugh or cry myself to sleep.

Spectators of the show

Always staying low

My eyes watch the children fondly over my teacup. Being a godmother has never been so much fun. Even Zander, who is too serious for his age, smiles and laughs as the children run about the yard. Benji comes and tugs on my hand insistently. I look up at the adults who are chatting away. Amelia is speaking animatedly with Slypheil over public schools or some other such thing. Gourry is snoring softly. I remain torn-- stay with the adults or go play with the children. You catch my eye and nod your permission to leave. You seem to sigh as you turn back to the conversation at hand. As I dash out among the children I wonder if you aren't weary of palace life. If you too are tired of always being in the spotlight. Your smile seems a little faded. I look at Benji. With a tilt of my head, he runs off to claim you. In the light of such pleading eyes, your resistance melts away and you join the children in a game of tag. Amelia smiles as she glances over. Thrilled to have another play toy, the children mob you unmercifully. I can only chuckle as Jamie tugs on your steel hair. Zander remains singularly intent on tickling you. The combined weight of seven children is too much for even your chimeric strength--or so you like to let them think. Even Leah, a born replicate of Slypheil, cheers them on as she holds little Gourrin.

"Help!" you cry. "Lina, help me!"

I grin evilly. "Help? Well-- I suppose I could help." I rush forward and help the children by sitting on your legs. "Hurry," I cry. "Tickle him now!" You growl in mock anger. After a moment or two of tickling you rise and let forth a roar. Blonde, blue, and raven haired children scatter in every direction. I'm not as quick to hide so you grab my wrist instead. Laughingly, you pull a little too hard and I coming crashing to the ground. With a look of apology you kneel onto the damp loam and reach out to brush loose strands of hair from my face. But this movement causes my chest to constrict and my eyes to flash in horror. Amelia. My sister. You love Amelia. I flinch long before your hand comes in contact with my face. I try to hide it while I rise to my feet. But it's too late. You hesitate before slowly retracting your hand. Your eyes widen, but from what emotion? The hurt in your gaze is apparent. But there is something else underneath it. Contempt? Surprise? Pity? Whatever it may be I'm sure that it's silently asking questions I don't want to hear. I look away. I don't want to know. The gaze you cast in my direction burns. I need to leave. I fight to maintain my composure as I announce that I'm going to take a walk. As I leave, walking much too quickly to be polite, I glance over my shoulder at the woman you love She's still talking, completely oblivious of this exchange. It's not a coincidence that I don't return until well after dark. But, even long after I shut my eyes, sleep escapes me as the pained look in your crystal eyes haunts my dreams. The message is clear: it's time for me to go.

The game is on again

A lover or a friend

A big thing or a small

The winner takes it all

Yes. I need to go. I savor the feeling of little arms wrapped around my leg. I lift Benji into the air and he giggles in delight. I give him a giant bear hug as I try to memorize the feeling of small arms around my neck and the candied sticky kiss he left on my cheek. Leah looks out mournfully from the doorway. Her eyes, perfect replicates of Slypheil's, are brimming with tears. Even Zander looks down, too proud to cry, but desperately wanting to. He solemnly puts out his hand. My throat catches as he reminds me so forcefully of you. I shift Benji to one hip and kneel slightly extending my hand. But as he approaches, I grab his hand in mine and pull him into a hug. So begins a tidal wave of children. I dislike emotional scenes, but somehow can't bring myself to stop the avalanche of hugs I am receiving. So this is what I missed. Love and children of my own. I bring to scene to an end. "Hush, don't cry. I'll be back soon. I promise." Zander looks skeptical. I wink, "I'll be back real soon. And then Leah and I can make some more cookies." This proclamation is enough to make the children smile. Even Leah smiles through her tears, "You mean I'll make them and you'll eat them." My godchildren laugh. "Hey, it's not my fault I've been banned from the kitchen for the rest of my mortal life. Then again…I did nearly burn it all down." Zander gives off a small laugh--so like yours my heart nearly breaks. "Better give in Leah. I don't think your mom's house could stand Auntie Lina's cooking again." Leah nods, "But only if you come back soon. You promise?" I tuck an errant wisp of hair behind her ear. With a wink I joke, "Lina Inverse has never passed up free food in her entire life. I'll be back." I draw in a deep breath as I prepare myself to bid the adults farewell.

A big thing or a small

The winner takes it all

Slypheil smiles that sweet sad smile and tries once more to convince me to stay before Gourry shakes his head slightly. She looks surprised, but relents. The golden haired man shoots me an understanding look before solemnly extending his hand. I shoot my old protector a look of gratitude. We shake hands twice before he pulls me into a bone crushing hug. "Take care little girl," he growls softly. I punch him on the shoulder—perhaps not as softly as I should, but a great deal softer than I did when we were frequent traveling companions. Amelia abandons propriety and throws her arms around me, but it's an awkward hug around the added bulk at her waist. As I try to memorize the feel of this hug, the feeling of friendship and sisterhood, I can't help but tease her. I've missed this feeling, but I'm afraid to visit more often. I don't want to ruin the friendship we still have. They have. "Make sure you name this one after me!" She grins as the joke rolls off her back. "I'm serious. Nine god children in and I still don't have a namesake. See if you can't have a girl this time." Amelia just laughs. The bright feelings I have tarnish a little as I turn to the last of my friends. You look slightly unsure as you extend your hand towards me. I force my body to relax and slowly extend my hand. Steady, steady—I can do this. I fought Shabranigdo, I called upon the Lord of Nightmares, I've defied my older sister; I can raise my hand to meet yours without shaking. I bite the inside of my lip as I try not to tremble. I smile slightly as you gravely shake my hand. You smile back, but you still look puzzled. "Bye, Zel." You nod and step back one arm cradling Amelia while you hold the other up in farewell. I smile one last time before I turn with a wave. I almost turn as I walk into the sunset to glimpse the people I am leaving behind me. But if I do that I'll never be able to leave. Stifled sobs clog my throat as I walk out of the little clearing, away from the cottage, away from my family, and away from the man I still love.

I don't wanna talk

'Cause it makes me feel sad

Notes. Sometimes I think that my entire life is contained in these notes you send me. Odd that it's usually your hand that pens me these heart wrenching missives. The friend that I love the most is the same person that I wish that I never heard from. Still I long for news of the places I once freely roamed and the places I knew in my youth. I've been living in what seems to be an endless stream of inns. I've been traveling so long that I can't even remember what the name of this one is. The Bawdy Sailor, Frog Stix, the Enchanted Unicorn, the Laughing Dolphin, the Forlorn Mermaid? Does it even really matter anymore? This letter looks as if it has been a while in finding me. I sigh and sit on my bed. A consequence of traveling off the main continent. The smell of the ocean waves over me and the scents of exotic spices permeate the air. The islands beyond the outer world have the most amazing smells. I reach for the letter to rip it open before I pause, examining it closely. Unlike previous letters this envelope looks battered and worn. One bottom corner has been smashed in, as if someone was in a hurry and dropped on its tip. The ink on the front is faded in spots and the vellum itself smells slightly musty. There's a smudge of dirt on the back. I rip open the envelope and expose a letter almost completely written in the set type of official documents everywhere. I dismiss the print for a moment to look at the scribbled note near the bottom. Two lines, but it's not in your hand. It's not in Amelia's either. This script is a little more cramped than yours, and it's too succinctly worded to be a message from Amelia. The ink is slightly smeared—part of the second line obscures part of the name underneath. After a moment I finally make out Zander's signature under the penned portion. Odd. He usually takes such care when he writes. And he usually writes more. This time it merely says "Please come. I can't do it all by myself." My eyebrow arches slightly. Intrigued, I read his message twice before scanning the official notice. But my breath catches after the first few words and I set the letter down with shaking hands. I sit still for a moment stunned. It can't be. I look around my room and begin to shove things into my pack. Ten minutes later the room is empty, the inn keeper has been paid, and I'm on a boat headed for Sailoon.

And I understand

You've come to shake my hand

I couldn't get here any faster. I nearly killed myself between all of the traveling I did, magical and non-magical. I only slept when I could find a wagon train that kept moving through the night. And, when the daylight broke, I would ray wing at break neck speeds until I was too exhausted to keep aloft anymore. Yet, despite the speed at which I hastened, I could not get here in time for the funeral. I trace the cold chiseled granite with my fingertip, gloves sitting on my lap. I sweep old offerings of flowers aside, although some still look fresh, before offering my own white roses. The slow breeze that has enveloped me all the walk here quiets and then dies down. I shut my eyes and picture the woman I have come here to celebrate. I can still see the excitement in her blue eyes as she enthusiastically spoke of love and justice. Oh Amelia, my sister. What would you do now?

The regal bearing with which Zander sits cannot quite disguise the shadows under his eyes. Or the loss still plain on his face. Yet when I arrived I could see how well he wielded his new found authority. He would make you so proud. He dismisses his court, beckoning me to his side. In the eyes of his court he is all business, but behind closed doors he is still the Zander that I remember. Older now, but the traits of the child I loved so dearly remain. But the childish traits that burned a bronze hue now shine bright gold. This trial has been like a refiner's fire. The traits of a king exude from every pore in his body.

"I'm sorry I'm so late Zander. I came as soon as the message reached me." I can only shake my head in regret. I never expected to have to answer a letter that quickly. "I'm afraid that the islands beyond the barrier don't receive mail regularly. Is there anything I can still do to help?" For a moment I can see him again as the nine year old boy I told stories too. The child who mourned the passing of a moth we found dying in the fields. I hold his hand as he gathers his thoughts. His sapphire eyes shine with tears as he draws his breath to speak.

I apologize

If it makes you feel bad

My dear friend and sister. I ought to have visited more often. And stayed longer. Regret burns sharply across my chest as I inhale once more. I sit for awhile, the wind blowing fiery strands across my face, thinking about mortality. My thoughts turn darker before I laugh. This is not the way you would have me mourn. So I begin to talk. About the first time I met you, about your kingdom, about the hillside where you are buried, about my travels, about your children, about how much I envied you—about everything, and about nothing. My voice stumbles as I catalog my worries and my secret fears. But finally I reach my apologies. Most of all I need your forgiveness. I need to know that you forgive me my envy.

When my voice grows hoarse I look about me. Its dusk now and the crickets are singing a cheerful lullaby to the wind. I stretch my neck and shoulders before I kneel down again to straighten the white roses I brought to decorate your grave. Under them lies a wilted bouquet of marigolds and rosemary blossoms. Faithfulness and remembrance. Some one must have placed them here recently. As I rearrange my own tokens, I can feel another's gaze boring into my back. And I fancy that I can see a hint of beige behind a nearby oak tree. I nearly disrupt the peacefulness of the cemetery before I pause and let the silence carry my questions.

"I can't find him, Auntie Lina. He's gone. It's been almost two months now." His voice grows quieter, pleading in the voice of a lost child. And perhaps that is now what he is. "Please, find my father."

Seeing me so tense

No self confidence - but you see

I close my eyes and listen to the silence. The wind blows strands of red hair across my face. I softly hum an old lullaby you used to sing to Zander and Benji. With my eyes closed I can almost feel you peek out from around the oak. I hum slightly louder as I lower my head toward the gravestone. I crack open one eye. As I study you, I see a man worn away by grief. Your hair is unkempt and the edge of your shirt cuff is beginning to fray. Your face is cold, but your eyes hungrily feed upon the place where Amelia rests. I can feel your resentment from over here. But you wait, hoping that I will leave. At length I stop humming and begin to sing the chorus. Still quietly, but loud enough that breeze will carry my words to you. I can see you inching slowly towards me. I keep my eyes almost entirely shut and continue to sing the song through to its conclusion. You stop just out of my reach and stare at the granite stone. For a moment silence reigns and I wonder what to say. I've always hated those trite phrases people use when someone you loved passes away. Like they would somehow diminish the hollow aching in your chest. Or make it so you could hear your loved one laugh one more time. Nothing anyone could say could do those things. The ache you feel exudes from you. It's like sitting next to a black hole that only emits sorrow and pain. Maybe you'll hate me for what I am going to say. But I can't imagine it hurting any worse than loving you all of these years. Besides, I owe your children this. Amelia too.

The winner takes it all

"Your children miss you."

Blue eyes dart away from me. In anger? In misery? Both I imagine. You stiffen and turn as if to stalk angrily away. A few seconds—that's all I have in which to stop you. My heart lurches for a moment and I close my eyes trying to steel myself for what I'm going to say next. I hate myself for what I am about to do. My voice is still pitched low, but I know that the words I'm going to say next will reverberate indefinitely in your perfect ears. If it makes any difference, once I utter them they'll to brand themselves to my soul as well. A just punishment since I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I am about to do.

"Will you run away from them too? Will you abandon them just as you've abandoned the entire kingdom of Sailoon? I expected better from you Zelgadis." My voice is steadier than I thought possible. My insides tremble at the amount for pain I am sure I've just caused you. But you just shrug it off. A man so far gone in his own grief, you're impervious to the infliction of any additional pain. Making it necessary to utter the words I hoped I wouldn't need to. My hands curl into the rich soil beside me as I try to anchor myself against the words I will say next. The ones that will cause you to suffer untold anguish. That will infuriate you to the point of committing murder. At least I hope they will. Because I certainly have no desire to stay in this world after hurting you like this.

"And so did Amelia."

The sheer cry of hurt and fury that flies from your throat is the sound of a beast in mortal pain. Like a rabid dog. The kind that people put down as an act of mercy. For a moment I can feel your cold stone hands around my throat, the pressure beginning to build. A painful way to die. But well deserved. And I, the love sick fool I still am, cannot imagine a better way to go than at your vengeful hands. Please Zel, end it now. Some strange irrational part of my mind watches for the welcome release into darkness and the oblivion beyond it. But it doesn't come. I chance opening my ruby eyes to find you sobbing across Amelia's grave, sprawled much like a broken doll. My heart catches with pain as I observe the breaking of my most cherished friend. The burning lump in my throat renders me totally incapable of speech. I watch the tears pour down your stony face and shatter as they hit Amelia's gravestone. It also makes it impossible for me to breathe as you suddenly lift your face and fix me with an icy glare.

"What gives you the right to decide? How dare you! How could you possibly understand what it is like to have the love of your life taken from you? To sit by helplessly while they simply slip away? To wish that you could take away all their pain and bear it yourself instead?" Your hair streams out behind you slightly and the righteous fury in your voice reminds me of an avenging angel. Your voice, which burned with impotent fury, suddenly drops and fills with icy scorn. "What would you know of such pain? Lina Inverse, the great sorcery genius, who left her friends behind in search of more food, more loot, and more power? With never even the thought to look behind her and see the people who loved her? Did you ever return it? In all these years I've known you, you've run at the mere mention of love. Tell me Lina, to whom have you given your heart?" You wait for a moment, eyeing my horror struck face. You snort before continuing your cruel tirade. "As I thought. No one. You sealed it away. And you lecture me on love and duty? You selfish egotistical child."

The game is on again

A lover or a friend

The venom of your words freezes my blood. Odd. Even as I remain paralyzed by your words, I have the insane urge to laugh in despair. That man that I gave my heart to years ago is the same one to accuse me of sealing it away. How very true. Idly, I wonder if in another time and in another place I could have told you. Yes, I sealed off the place my heart used to be. But only to hide the fact that I gave it away long ago. To disguise the fact that it has always been yours. To carry, to hide, or stomp on as you please. But also, so you felt no guilt as you began your quest to win my sister's heart. It's just as well that my throat is closed up with conflicting emotions. Even with her death, nothing with which I could reply would mend the holes in either of our hearts. And I wonder sorrowfully if it would even be right to try.

It amazes me how much effort to lift up my head to face you. To clear the nearly formed tears from my eyes so I can look into your own. A mixture of emotion churns in them, a sea of emotional chaos. In them I can see both grief and horror at what you have said to me mingled with the sweet satisfaction of dealing me a true pain similar to, if not as severe, as your own. Deep in my soul, I wonder if I should retreat. Your words, painfully ironic, reverberate in my head. A faint shimmering off Amelia's granite headstone clears my thoughts and fills me with resolve. She wouldn't have wanted it this way. She would want you to embrace life again. After a few attempts I manage to answer you in a strangled voice.

"Perhaps I am selfish. Always wanting things I couldn't have. But even in my selfishness, I learned that hiding from the ones I loved only caused more pain."

Utter silence reigns for a time. You look away ashamed. Finally, head drooping in despair, you answer me. Your voice is filled with gravel. How much of that is from grief I don't know. "I can't go back Lina. It hurts too much. Everything I see in Sailoon reminds me of her. Even looking at our children makes me half sick with heartache."

My mind churns in thought. Ultimately, I promised Zander to find you. Nothing more. I fear the consequences of sending you back to the white death trap back on the hill. You need the time to grieve away from the bustle of the palace. You need the time to find your smile again. What good is it to send you back to your children, an empty shell of the father they once had? Void of life and laughter. Silently I make a decision. I won't do it to them or to you. Perhaps the strain of curing you would kill me, but if it healed you it was a burden I was willing to bear. I sealed my heart away once. And after you were healed, once you could smile again, I could seal it away once more. It would ache worse than before, but it would be worth it. I could live with that pain the rest of eternity. At least I could, if it would be your cure.

A big thing or a small

The winner takes it all

"Come on, Zel." I wince internally at the unintended callousness in my voice. You look up startled. I can see the shock in your eyes at my heartlessness. I try to flash you a small smile. "The next village is only a few miles away. If we hurry there might still be some rooms." Your eyebrows actually raise in surprise- a shadow of the man you used to be. "We both need a bath. And a meal certainly wouldn't go amiss. Come on." I turn towards the entrance of the cemetery.

You quietly voice your suspicions. Your tone is unfriendly, but I welcome it all the same. "Where will we go next?"

I just shrug my shoulders. "Wherever our feet take us, I guess. Some times the best way to start a journey is to just start walking. Don't worry so much. The where will come to us later."

It seems like an eternity before you break the silence. You whisper only one word, but it's laden with meaning. "Why?"

I'm glad that I've already started toward the path. It gives me the excuse not to turn around. But that would be the coward's way out. You deserve at least this much of an explanation. I look over my shoulder, willing my eyes to be gentle without giving too much away. "Because it's the only cure I know for a broken heart." Your eyes widen slightly with surprise. I can see the question starting to form before you stop it. I can almost hear you argue with your body as I turn my face back towards the path, trying not to choke on the sudden welling of a familiar pain in my throat and chest. Fear causes me to shake with each step that I take. Will I have to leave you behind again? Will you abandon us all for a ghost? I can accept her complete hold over your heart. Your undying love for her. I always have—even if I couldn't force my heart to. My ears prick, thinking they can hear the rustle of fabric behind me as you stand. Placing my feet carefully, I lead the way to the path fighting the temptation to look back.

You've always moved so quietly. I wonder for a moment if I'm just deluding myself that you're following. I strain to hear footsteps over the wind through the branches. Unfortunately, this pulls my attention away from the path and I stumble over a stray tree root. Stifling a curse, I rub at my ankle. Sore and twisted, but not broken. Sighing, I mentally prepare myself to cast a healing spell when a small ball of light interrupts my concentration. Your velvet voice blends in with the sounds of the night as you chant. Then you calmly extend me a hand.

"Come on Lina. Let's go." And we are off—on a journey for a much different cure.

The winner takes it all

Time continues to pass as it always has. I wonder if I should feel guilty about how peaceful it is to sit out here with you under the stars. In some ways it feels like it never changed. You've begun to joke a little with me, and smile that odd little smile of yours. My heart nearly stops every time you do. Whether or not it's from joy in your recovery or the painful yearnings of my own wild heart, I'm still not sure. But you seem more carefree. We act almost the way we always did. Like we still live in the past, when we were still young and sure of ourselves. When we were the ones saving the world time and time again. It makes the days light. But at night you are still hers. You retreat into the silent musings of your heart. I don't blame you. How could I? She has a permanent place in my heart too. You still sit cross legged with a cup of tea in your lap. But, instead of poking the fire and staring into its hypnotic flames, you look up at the sky instead. I glance up for a moment too before I realize that you aren't really seeing the stars. That you aren't really focusing on anything outside of your own mind. I wonder how long it will be before you can gaze at the heavens again with any sense of peace or awe. My mind hushes itself. I turn slightly in frustration and pain to take myself to my bed for the night. My presence is not needed. But a whisper floating across the chill night's air stops me mid motion.

"Lina…" You seem unsure of what you are about to say. "This cure for a broken heart. Does it really work?' You pause again while the moonlight bathes your face. And in an even quieter voice you add, "Did it make you happy?"

Even the crickets have stopped chirping. The whole world seems to wait for my answer. I study the ground for a long moment as I think. And truly consider what I gained in those years of traveling. What I gained from the marriage of my friends, from having godchildren, and from trying to master my heart. I anmswer is barely a whisper, but I know you'll still be able to hear me.

"Perhaps it's not a journey that should be taken alone. One can never really be cured wandering by yourself. Happiness is being with the one you love. Sometimes being apart from them is the only way to understand that." You nod respectfully before looking back up at the stars. I quietly announce my intention to go to sleep. Your hair bobs gently as you nod distractedly, your gaze returning to the stars.

I lie beneath my blankets under the same night sky. And I wonder if it is as chilly to you as it is to me. The grass rustles as you move towards your bed. I close my eyes mimicking sleep only to force them shut again when you feet stop by my head. I can hear your cape scraping against the ground as you bend over. Your lavender hair inches away from my own head. My heart starts to race as your cool fingers lightly caress my check. The faint odor of peppermint blows gently across my face as you speak.

"I wish you happiness, my friend. May you find your heart too."

The stillness around us echoes for a moment before the usual sounds of the night envelope us once more. You emit a soft sigh before you move quietly away. I can hear you preparing for bed. The clink of your sword and sword belt make as they are being laid across the ground. The muffled sound of cloth being mussed as you climb under your blankets and prepare to drift off to sleep. For a moment I fancy that I can hear the heavens pulse gently about us. I open my ruby eyes to stare at their beauty. My eyes then explore the woods around us before finally settling on your still form. I watch you sleep peacefully through the night, bathed in starlight. Your face untroubled and unmarred by grief. I smile slightly as the pain in my own heart eases at the sight. The hole that used to consume me with loneliness seems to be gradually getting smaller. I consider this as the sun begins to rise, heralding the passage of the long night and the beginning of a new day. And I wonder for the first time since we started along this path, if we might not find our cure together.