The New Hero of Time Episode Ten – That's right, we've made it to ten episodes and people are still reading this crap! WHOO!!!
Last time on: Who's the Boss… I mean, the show that you think you're reading about… Tucker and Ivana had found themselves on the ass end of an asskicking administered by Vaati's number one bromigo: Staltrox, the leader of the Stalfos army. Navi and Azreal had disappeared after the forest temple was destroyed, and Ivana had turned into a dragon somehow… WHAT THE HELL IS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT?!?!?!?! AHHHHHH!!!!!
I HAVE TO KNOW!!!!!!! Oh, wait, I'll just read it… THEN I'LL KNOW FOR SURE!!!
Staltrox: Any last
words before I-
Vaati: NO! Don't say that, you'll just set him
up to do something stupid that will save him and his fishy
girlfriend…
Ivana: Yer really my boyfriend?
Tucker: You got it, baby… Could we speed up the plot please, I'm kinda dying here…
Vaati: Ah, yes, yes, wouldn't want you dying now would I?
Ivana: Definitely not…
Vaati: Okay, go on then…
Tucker: Thanks V-man, yer good people! See ya!
Vaati: Okay, bye- HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
Vaati looked around but Tucker and Ivana were already gone.
Vaati: DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!!!!! He did it again! How does he always get away?
Staltrox: Well, you are kind of a dumbass, sir…
Vaati: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Staltrox: Oh, um… Nothing sir…
Vaati: That's what I thought you said… Now, come on Staltrox, it's time for our tea-party, and we have to go pick up Sally Prissypants and Sir Edgar James Johnson Elizabeth Emily Adams Fredericksburg the twenty-fifth.
Staltrox: Him again, he's a colossal douche…
Vaati: I know, but he's the only one who can get us a party with King Betty.
Staltrox: I'm just going to ignore the fact that he has a girl's name, sir…
Vaati: That's good, now let's get out of here, the people hiding behind that bush over there are starting to creep me out…
Staltrox: What? That's probably those two idiots, sir!
Vaati: Nonsense, someone that intelligent would be too smart to do something as stupid as that…
Staltrox: As you say, sir…
With that Vaati and Staltrox disappeared in a flash of dark energy. Tucker looked out from behind the bush he and Ivana were hiding behind- WHAT THE HELL? THAT WAS THEM? FREAKIN' IDIOTS!!!!!
Tucker: Don't knock it, it worked didn't it?
FINE! Just don't be so stupid in the future!
Ivana: Don't you talk like that to my boyfriend, you stupid voice!
Tucker: Ivana, you amaze me…
Ivana: Thanks, baby!
Tucker: Come here you…
Oh lord… Come back in a little bit… In the time being, enjoy this short poem that I heard somewhere…
Ooey Gooey was a slug; a gooey slug was he,
Until he stopped upon a track, the train he did not see.
OOEY GOOEY!!!!!
HAHAHAHA!!! Now back to our story…
Tucker: Those hour long sessions just fly by don't they?
Ivana: So… good… can't… speak… in… full… sentences…
Tucker: Yer welcome baby… Now, where did those two winged annoyances go? Maybe they were killed when the temple collapsed, maybe not…
Tucker looked around for a second, then spoke quietly to himself…
Tucker: Oh please, oh please, oh please, let them be-
Navi: Tucker?
Tucker: OKAY!!!
Navi: What's okay?
Tucker: Um, you are… You're okay… Great… Just great…
Ivana: Hey, what's going on, are the fairies back?
Tucker: Yeah… Whoo hoo…
Navi: Well, Ivana, you smell like as sexed up as ever, did you two already make that thing you do this episode?
Ivana: Yup, and we're going for the record!
Azreal: Fun…
Tucker: Azreal, I still see you're a complete douche…
(SLAP)
Tucker: OW! What the hell? You don't slap another man, Azreal! That's just not pogoshtick… (New word, shtick, but WITH POGO IN IT!!!!!!)
Navi: You are as stupid as ever I see…
Tucker: What happened to you two while I was getting my ass kicked everywhere?
Azreal: We were, uh, held back…
Tucker: Oh, really, were you now?
Navi: We weren't doing what you think we were doing… Perv…
Tucker: There's that word again… Now, if Navi's done, we can just go do other stuff now, like-
Navi: No more sex!
Tucker: Go clear out the fire temple… That's what I was gonna say…
Azreal: Sure you were…
Ivana: Do you want one, Azreal?
Azreal: Give it your best shot, grouper!
Ivana: You, son of a bitch… How dare you call me that?!
Tucker: Grouper? What's up with that?
Ivana: It's a slur term for Zoras…
Tucker: OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!
Tucker turned around and grabbed Azreal by his wings and held him up at eye level.
Tucker: Apologize… Now…
Azreal: To that group-
Tucker: NOW!!!!!
Azreal: Fine, I apologize…
Navi: Azreal, how could you?
Azreal: Oh, enough! I'm tired of this game!
With Azreal's words, a dark portal opened up in front of Tucker and another dark figure stepped out of it.
Tucker: What now?
Voice: Isn't it obvious?
Tucker: What the hell?
The figure stepped forward and Tucker recognized him as, Ganondorf, the King of Evil. Azreal wriggled free of Tucker's grip and flew over to Ganondorf and landed on his shoulder.
Navi: Azreal, what's going on?
Azreal: Oh, please, like you didn't see this coming… I was the one who has been sabotaging you all this time, I alerted the stalfos inside the forest temple, I tried to drive you and that idiot over there apart, and it was I who delayed you from helping those two when Vaati was supposed to kill them, but never did, if I hadn't been delayed myself by your stupid advances, I could have been there to flush those two fools out of hiding…
Navi: I don't believe it…
Tucker: Saw it coming…
Azreal: Despite all that has happened, you will not prevail, all the minions of Ganondorf are awakening, the real hero is dead, and the only hope for this world rests on the shoulders of this empty-headed jackass who thinks with his-
Tucker: HEY! There are kids reading this, Mr. Potteymouth!
Azreal: Fine, but you two have no chance of defeating us, with the combined powers of Zant, Vaati, and Ganondorf; you will be destroyed if you even try to stop us.
Navi: But, why? I trusted you, I, loved you!!!
Azreal: I know Navi, and it was that feeling that allowed me to so easily bend you to my will.
Tucker: You are, SO, dead!
Azreal: Make threats all you want; you will still never stop us! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Azreal and Ganondorf disappeared in a flash of dark energy and Navi landed on the ground and buried her face in her hands.
Navi: I am so stupid! How could I let that guy get to me like that?
Navi flew off and disappeared from view.
Ivana: Oh no, poor thing, let me talk to her, you wait here, I'll be right back.
Tucker: Okay, I'll see if I can't find out what the hell we're gonna do next…
Ivana: Okay… Navi, wait up!
Ivana ran after Navi, and Tucker sat down and took off all his weapons and laid back and stared at the sky to clear his head. Tucker's eyes scanned the clouds, trying to come up with a plan of what to do about what Azreal had said. Tucker racked his mind and decided to take a quick nap to try and relax. Tucker slipped off to sleep and his mind started playing through all the games he'd played. He began to see images, though they were blurry and shadowy, he could still make them out. He watched as images resembling Ivana, Navi, Zelda, the king of Hyrule, and several hyrulian knights being cut down by shadows moving too fast to make out. As all the images vanished from his mind, the shadows stopped moving and Tucker saw the faces of Zant, Vaati and Ganondorf smile at him and start laughing. Tucker was then awakened by someone shaking him.
Tucker: What? What? What's going on?
Ivana: Are you okay? I can't find Navi, she got too far away and she lost me…
Tucker: It's okay, we'll find her, but those guys really got to me today, I don't know why, but whenever I close my eyes, I can see them, laughing at me, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think I can beat them, at least not like this…
Ivana: Listen to me, Tucker, I love you, and even though I haven't known you all that long, I still know this: You can do anything you put your mind to. With all the things I've seen you do, you can beat those guys, with no problems at all.
Tucker: You're right baby, I don't know what I was thinking, let's go find Navi, then go teach all those villain type buttholes a thing about who the real hero is!
Ivana: YAY! Do we have time to finish that record first?
Tucker: Well, Navi could get pretty far away in the following hours, but, what the hell, she's not gonna get any more lost, and she may come back. So, shall I start on you?
Ivana: Ooh, that's my big, strong hero!
Tucker: Yes, ma'am!
The End
See you space cowboy…
Sorry, I just watched Cowboy bebop…