Knowing someone is way too good for you really sucks. When you look at them it's a constant reminder, telling you you'll never measure up and you'll never, ever be good enough. I know I'm not in any way perfect. To put it bluntly, I'm pretty fucked up.
I tried over and over to tell myself not to get attached to anyone, because life is cruel. I've seen love fall apart, I've seen love that was so strong and seemingly everlasting only to have death cruelly tear it apart and I've seen people who love someone so much they can't handle not having their love returned. So, knowing all of this and trying so hard to steel myself against this shit, why the fuck did I have to fall in love with you?
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I wanted to be left alone. I wanted nothing to do with the boy who constantly followed me through the halls at school, who would "accidentally" walk into the Student Council room day after day, just so I wouldn't forget he existed. As if I could do that. It's kind of hard when every turn you make down the halls results with his face being inches from yours. In a way it was actually pretty impressive, but also really irritating. So why, exactly, did I give in? I've asked myself a thousand times and the answer that I come up with is definitely not one I wanted at first. To put it bluntly, you're annoying as fuck but I kind of liked you.
I saw myself giving in and tried so hard to resist. But I guess fate wasn't on my side. I know you far better than I ever thought I would. Emotionally, you're kind of a wreck, physically you're scarred but also so perfect. Mentally you're completely fucked. I knew I should have stopped you when you pushed me against the wall that first time, knew I should have stopped as you placed kiss after kiss on my mouth, my neck, my stomach. I knew it would have been for the best but, dammit, why the fuck did I have to fall in love with you?
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I made it my goal to get you to notice me. It's not hard to get someone to notice you, but it is hard to get someone to actually notice you. At least for me. I'm used to being the centre of attention but being the centre of attention isn't all it's made out to be. Sure people notice you, but I can guarantee you negative attention is not good attention. It's kind of hard to pretend people care when they tear you apart, kind of hard to pretend you're worth something when inside your head the voices just won't shut up and let me think I matter.
I get bored easily. I like to wander, I like to play tricks and despite feeling like shit about it at the end of the day, in the moment I like the attention I get when I do something stupid, do something to fuck someone over, do something kind of mean. Trickster is a good name, I guess. But there is a limit to how much negativity one person can take until they crack. So, when you joined the team, when I realized you actually meant something to me and when I realized you actually made the self hate and voices seem not so bad I was really thrown off but also really happy. I didn't need reciprocation, I think I just needed someone to talk to.
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Goal accomplished, by the way. I don't think you realize how much I actually care about you. You're relentless, annoying, childish and you can be a complete and total disaster, but I love you. Switching appearances kind of came all too natural. I can't explain how it even happens, but it's been going on for so long it's become second nature. The thing with being each other, actually sharing way too many things, is that secrets tend to come out whether you want them to or not. So the day you told me you loved me, I said "I know." And when I saw the hurt in your eyes because granted, that's a shitty response, I kissed you and said "I love you too." There is one thing I wish I could change though, and while you might bitch about needing glasses now (not that you wear them, anyways), I can but don't bitch about the voices that just won't shut up and let me think I matter.
I doubt in any sense anyone will every truly understand how much we know each other, how much we actually care, how much we just simply are each other. I know your thoughts, sometimes it's like daggers in my head, piercing, cutting, severing coherency and consuming me with self loathing and pain. I don't want to scare you, I don't want to let you know that me being with you is kind of fucking me up, but like I said, secrets tend to come out whether you want them to or not. I know you're understanding, slowly at first, curbed by denial and wishful thinking, but that only gets someone so far. I can see it becoming clear to you that while I passed on my shitty vision to you, you kind of passed on your mental issues to me. I don't know what to do because I'm not leaving you, I think I just need someone to talk to.
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Our parents cut us out a few years back. Mine couldn't deal with me anymore and said I was worth more problems than anything. Yours thought I was a bad influence (correct), said you'd be better off without me (correct) and instead of listening you told them to fuck off. I loved you more for it, but guilt hit me like a train. You were perfect, I was corrupt, and I took you down with me. I tried to pretend I wasn't fucking you up, but lies don't last. They never do. Promises do though. Sometimes anyways. And I have a feeling the one we made to each other is going to happen. I'm looking forward to it.
I'm kind of at a breaking point. I've contemplated suicide in the past but could never actually go through with it. And then you showed up and I was blissfully distracted, an obstacle course blocking the path to your affection. It took effort and time to crash through but I guess I made it. Never thought I'd mean that much to anyone but shit, I guess surprises happen. It's been years and you actually still make me feel important, and you actually show me that I mean something. I doubt I'll ever be able to repay you properly seeing as without you I'd have been dead years ago. The best I can do is say thanks, and the worst is knowing that although you've helped me, I dragged you down with me. I'm so sorry.
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The memory of you breaking down is one I'd like to take back and make better. But I can't. Instead I made you a promise that I'll honour today. Life is short and fleeting. Memories can be happy, sad, shocking, but they also fade. Nothing truly lasts forever, but pain and suffering sure have a way of making themselves feel like they do. It's a sick balancing act between being okay and feeling like things are useless and I'm tired of trying to play this game only to have to restart the same battles over again every single day. So I might be a coward, I've certainly been putting up with this for a significant amount of time less than you have, but I don't care. I'm looking forward to it.
To our friends who still care. I'm sorry. To my parents, who might regret their decisions and be crushed with guilt, don't be. This isn't your fault. And most importantly, to you, who I fell completely and totally in love with. I love you for who you are, and while I won't lie and say I wish things could be different, I wouldn't change the outcome because they aren't. If I could change anything, it would be for you to have been okay. I don't blame you for spiraling us towards the edge. I've been with you long enough to know the eventual outcome. I could have left. I don't regret my decisions. I don't regret loving you, I don't regret staying with you, and I won't regret dying with you. I regret that I couldn't fix you, make you whole. I'm so sorry.
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Maybe one day things will be okay. But it's not today.