A/N: MAJOR OOC-NESS! BEWARE! This has a very iffy time placement. I envision it to be immediately after Naruto returns after time skip, but right before Gaara kidnapping arc. So essentially it's in the first episode of Shippuden, so bear with me. Oh My Goodness….this is a behemoth one-shot. (12 pages in word) Forgive me? I promise it's worth the read
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!
Now I don't know how many of you know this but, Jounin have a LOT of free time on their hands, taking care of Genin teams, completing missions quickly and what not. On the other hand, the poor Chunnin, have way too many things to do. One of these things includes babysitting the Jounin of the village during the dreaded "Jounin free time". Now, the Chunnin don't do this for kicks. There is an unwritten law that says if it isn't done, the village will self-destruct. Konoha's economy would crash and the village buildings would become piles of stone in the wake of bored Jounin.
As of now, the Jounin are currently enjoying a day off in the village, free from missions and have somehow all managed to elude the Chunnin stalking them. We venture upon a large mob in a back alleyway.
"Alright now, everyone listen up." A tall figure in a long, black, trench coat cleared his throat whilst inspecting the crowd. Seeing a disturbance in the back he barked, "Genma! Raidou! Can you keep your hands to yourselves for one minute? Kami-sama…" Once again, Morino Ibiki looked around the crowd. Nodding to himself, he took a step back and allowed fellow Jounin, Hatake Kakashi, to step forward.
The silver-haired pervert flipped a page in his book, dog-eared one corner, and slipped it into a hidden pocket in his ninja vest. "'Yo." The crowd stared.
"Anyway, as you all know, we have time off and…" he was interrupted by a loud cheer. Kakashi's visible eye closed, hinting at a smile, and the copy-nin continued.
"We, meaning Ibiki, Anko, Asuma, and I, have come up with a plan that will keep the Chunnin busy all day today, so we will be free to do whatever we feel like." There was another cheer.
At this, Anko hopped off the box she had been sitting on. Smiling slightly, she pointed a stick of dango over at a box in a corner of the alley. "In that box…is our master plan!" At this, Anko started to laugh maniacally. Ibiki raised an eyebrow and motioned to Kurenai to drag the slightly psychotic kunoichi to the back of the crowd.
Asuma stepped forward now, lit cigarette hanging from his mouth and began to explain. You see…we got these chickens and numbered them one to ten…"
Umino Iruka sighed behind his desk in the mission office. 'What a boring day.' (If only he knew…) Now, Iruka lived a fairly boring life, for a shinobi that is. Iruka enjoyed teaching at the Academy and having multiple shifts at the mission office, but a little excitement never hurt, right? The brown-haired Chunnin wasn't asking to take over a village or have a near-death experience, but he needed something to break the lull in his life.
As if the universe had heard him, the lull was broken. More specifically, a chicken had started to hop across his desk. The scarred brunette blinked in disbelief as he watched the chicken. The animal started to peck at the carefully organized papers piled on his desk. Iruka noticed there was something odd about this chicken, and it wasn't the fact that it was currently turning his desk into a chaotic mess. He had actually focused on the black number three painted onto the chicken's back.
Now, our beloved Academy teacher immediately thought of all the possible reasons for a chicken to be on his desk and most importantly, why it had a number. The following are the reasons Iruka came up with.
1.) This chicken was part of some competition and had gotten lost.
2.) There was some sort of chicken shortage and farmers needed to keep strict tabs on their precious product.
3.) Naruto.
4.) Konohamaru.
5.) Naruto AND Konohamaru,
6.) Someone knew of his secret love of chickens and that three is Iruka's favorite number.
7.) This was a genjutsu of some kind meant to save him from the...umm, he meant it was something sent to distract him from his oh-so-wonderful duties…yes, that's it.
All reasons aside, Iruka knew that the rampaging chicken needed to be stopped and taken into custody. Forming hand seals in rapid succession, Iruka performed his infamous Ori no Ensei Jutsu (1). This instantly trapped the bird in a lead cage, made travel size for convenience. Picking up the cage, the pony-tail haired Chunnin walked over to the door, peeked outside, and sprinted for the Hokage Tower.
"Do you have any aces?" Kotetsu asked his fellow Hokage assistant, Izumo. The other Chunnin answered "Go fish."
Kotetsu pinched the bandaged bridge of his nose, "I think you're lying to me."
The brunette grinned before replying, "And I think you are just making excuses. Now take the card."
After drawing a card from the deck, Kotetsu let his head fall to the table.
"I quit. I just can't catch a break here." The raven haired Chunnin stood, straightening his shirt and then looked quizzically at the door. Izumo followed the others gaze. There was a chicken in the doorway.
"What should we do with it?" The brunette shinobi asked, turning to the other.
Throwing his hands into the air, Kotetsu exclaimed "What are you asking me for? Do I look like a chicken herder to you?"
"Yes. Yes you do." Izumo rolled his eyes before continuing " So, I say we go on the count of three, 'kay?"
"Whatever. One."
"Two." Izumo stuck out his tongue.
"THREE!" Both shouted, and sprinted for the doorway.
CRASH! THUD!
"Ohhhh…my head."
"HOKAGE-SAMA!" "HOKAGA-SAMA" "TSUNADE-SAMA, ARE YOU IN THERE!?" Shizune proceeded to beat down the door to the Hokage's office. 'I swear if she's in there drinking, I'll poison her sake!' she fumed. "Tsunade! Open the door!" Raising her fist to demolish the door, it swung open to reveal an angry blonde woman.
"Why are you bothering me now, Shizune? I did all of your cursed paperwork!" the woman snarled at her assistant. Shizune forced her way into the office.
"Hokage-sama, there are a few Chunnin here to see you." Tsunade walked over to her desk and grabbed her bottle of sake.
"Is it important?" The blonde sannin took a sip…well, a really big sip.
"Well, no. Of course it isn't important. I enjoy screaming at you and banging on the door."
"Oh. If that's all, get out of my office."
"GAH!!" Shizune screeched, "Do you not know sarcasm!? Of course it's important! I can't believe that you…"
"Hokage-sama!" A panting Iruka had just made it to the Hokage's office.
Tsunade quirked a delicate brow at the newcomer "Why do you have a chicken in a cage, Umino?"
"Well, you see. I was sitting in the missions' office when this chi…"
Unfortunately Iruka was unable to finish his sentence because two blurs of brown and black had bowled him over in pursuit of a white blur. A white blur that had, in fact, turned into a chicken seeking sanctuary on top of a very disgruntled Tsunade. Unable to stop in time, the brown and black blurs also crashed into the Hokage, resulting in much resentful squawking from the chicken, cursing from the Hokage and groans of pain from the now visible Izumo and Kotetsu.
"Did someone catch the number of that bus?" mumbled a dizzy Chunnin sensei.
Glaring at everything in the room, the Sannin started her interrogating "Is anyone going to tell me why I have three Chunnin and two chickens in my office?"
"Well, it's quite the story Hokage-sama. You see…" and Iruka told his tale about the chicken. Tsunade nodded every so often and partook in many glasses of sake.
"…and then I was bowled over by these two" Iruka turned toward his fellow Chunnin and frowned. "I still haven't heard an apology."
Izumo scratched the back of his head and mumbled an apology from both himself and Kotetsu. The Hokage then turned her attention to the other two chicken chasers and motioned for them to explain. Izumo eeped and placed himself strategically behind his paler friend and nudged him to tell the story.
"Well, Hokage-sama" nervous cough "Izumo and I were working, like we were supposed to, you know. And I happened to look up and see a chicken in the doorway to our workroom, the one that we were working in. Then, Izumo and I both sprinted for it, but we got stuck in the doorway" Izumo coughed loudly at this "and the chicken made its way down the hall. And Izumo would love to continue our little story." This almost started a death glare match, but an impatient sigh broke it off before the competition became too intense.
"After we got unstuck from the doorway, this little demon led us on a chase out of the tower, through the hot springs, over to Ichiraku's, past teams seven, and eight, into the middle of a hopscotch game, through the Forest of Death, Gai's sunset and smile of doom, and a Hyuuga hair care seminar before we ended up here. I don't think I'll ever recover from this. What are you staring at Shizune?"
"Oh, I was just wondering why these two chickens are numbered 3 and 7."
"Huh? Numbered? As in there could possibly be more of them?"
Tsunade only looked at the ceiling, wondered why her and prepared a plan. "Shizune, I want you to get Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Rock Lee, Team Ebisu, and mystery Chunnin proctor number eleven."
Rushing out the door, the short haired assistant replied "I'm on it!" The search didn't take too long…
"Alright," Shizune muttered "I just need to find…AHA! Found him!" Sneaking behind the spiky haired shinobi, Shizune pulled out a rope, formed a lasso, and started to swing. One…
Two…
Three! And with a tremendous yelp, Kiba was dragged away from the Candy Land display.
"Out of all of the pairs, I can't believe I got stuck with you forehead girl!"
"Yeah, that's makes two of us, Ino-pig." The red vested chunnin rolled her eyes. "Now stop complaining and just help my find the stupid poultry."
"You mean the stupid poultry currently taking a bath in the fountain?" A set of green eyes narrow in irritation.
"No, I mean the stupid poultry not taking a bath in the fountain."
"Oh, well alright then. Shintenshin no Jutsu!"
"AHA! Got it! When Sasuke comes back he'll be really impressed with my strategic planning!" Sakura emitted a girly squeal and does a victory pose. Ino flicks platinum blonde hair after returning to her body.
"As if he could ever be impressed by you. Anyway, I'm the one who caught the thing, so hand it over."
"No way, Blondie. This chicken is going no where near your greedy little paws."
"You did not just call me what I think you did you pink haired freak!" The so called freak spurted in indignation as blondie attacked. After being pulled apart by ten random strangers, the rivals head back to the Hokage tower.
With the Chunnin running all around the village collecting chickens, the Jounins didn't know what to do with their new found freedom.
"We could paint the Hokage faces with…"
"Nah, been done."
"We could rearrange the mission's office, misplace some of the missions."
"As much as I would love to never do another mission, the village needs those. Who knows why…"
"We could follow the Chunnin, get everything on tape for blackmail."
"I like it."
"Sounds good."
"Should we split up into teams?"
"Who has that many cameras?"
"Seems to me like we need to make a trip to the Godaime's secret office".
One of the newer Jounin spoke up "Secret office? I didn't know she had one."
"Well that's why it's a secret. Geez Nara, I thought you were intelligent." Shikamaru's eyebrow would have twitched at the comment, but it found the action to be too troublesome and settled for staying still.
"Byuukugan" Hinata nervously pinched the sleeve of her purple jacket, simultaneously looking in every direction for the mission's target. A rustling bush caught the Hyuuga heiress' attention.
"I think there's one fifty feet ahead and twenty-three feet to the right."
"…" Shino wordlessly sent his kikai bugs over to investigate. A few moments later, Shino felt a disturbance in the force…err, that is, he heard little insect voices cry out hopelessly before being silenced. The Aburame jetted off toward the poor things. Hinata, having already stopped her blood limit was forced to jump in surprise at an anguished Shino yelling "Nooooo!" The pale kunoichi was appalled when she caught up to her teammate.
Who, in a ninja village that has insect users, would call for an exterminator? Poor Shino was in the fetal position, so while Inner Hinata was rolling her eyes, she kneeled by the tormented boy and tried to console him.
It was at this moment the kunoichi spotted the chicken eating the bug corpses. Faster than you can say soupalicious, Hinata paralyzed the target, picked up both her bawling teammate and the chicken, and left the training grounds for the Hokage tower.
A gloved hand stretched out while a silky voice spoke. "Magnet"
A second, quieter voice replied "Magnet" as a magnet was placed into the outstretched hand.
Schwing
A small smirk appeared on a shadowed face. "Genma's senbon" The hand was held out expectantly.
The assistant swiftly borrowed the chew toy "Genma's senbon"
Grind. Chip.
"Lock pick kit"
Gray eyes narrowed dangerously. "Lock pick kit?"
"Yeah, no go."
While Genma was crying over his broken senbon, the brunette backed into the door, and landed flat on his back.
"Did you try pushing on the door?"
"No. I assumed it was locked because the handle wouldn't turn. I suppose the lock was broken already."
A puff of smoke blocked their view of the room as Asuma marched into the secret office. Looking around, the bearded man took notice of the many television screens set up and enlisted help turning on each set.
Kakashi produced a guide to where every hidden camera was set up.
Anko started a betting pool and Ibiki made popcorn for everyone.
The Jounins made themselves comfortable in front of the many televisions and couldn't wait for the real fun to begin.
The Handsome Devil of Konoha, Rock Lee, looks stealthily around the corner. Spotting the target with youthful eyes, Lee uses the Flames of Youth and startles the target with a hug backed with sunsets and sparkles and a theme song.
"Gai-sensei will be so proud!" Lee tearfully exclaimed, punching a fist in to the air in victory. Giving the good guy pose, Lee continued "If I do not catch all of the chickens loose in the village, I will walk around Konoha on my hands on stilts and climb to the top of the Hokage Mountain! And if I do not complete this task I will balance a pole open palmed and learn the polka!" With these final vows, Rock Lee ran off to achieve his goals, unknowing of the shuddering figures watching his departure.
"OH MY GOD! SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP THOSE POOR CHICKENS!" The hysterical Jounin was restrained immediately and hidden in a corner.
Gai-sensei merely wiped a tear from his eyes. "Lee… you make me so proud".
Kiba sniffed the air. "Alright! Akamaru, it's near the academy, go fetch me that chicken, kay pal?"
With an answering "Arf!", Akamaru ran off to catch the elusive chicken and Kiba returned to the toy store with a smug canine grin on his features "Sometimes I impress myself. Now, I wonder, what I should buy. I need to get one with a lot of extra pieces, some people just can't control themselves." Kiba looked to his left and saw his blonde friend Naruto getting ready to perform Kage Bunshin. "Hey, Naruto, what do you think I should buy? Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders?"
Naruto turned and yelled in shock "Damn it Kiba. Can't you see I was trying to do Kage Bunshin? GAH! Now I have to start over!" Naruto's hands quickly came together in a familiar seal followed by a cry of "Kage Bunshin!" Kiba shrugged and continued on his way.
Alright you guys. I want you to split up and try to find this chicken" Naruto pulls out a picture of one of the other chickens. "Meet back here at 3, got it?" A series of head nods and the clones were off. Naruto turned in the unexplored direction and started thinking about ramen. In the midst of one of his ramen daydreams, Konoha's number one unpredictable ninja felt as though he was being followed. Casually looking around, the whiskered male noticed that while Team Konohamaru was getting better at camouflage, the needed to work on masking their chakra. 'I think I'll fake them out of hiding. Dattebayo.' Naruto turned the corner ahead and used a henge to turn into a small rock. Team Konohamaru turned the corner and were shocked to see no eye raping orange in the vicinity. Konohamaru and Moegi released the camouflage and were startled when a rock transformed into the ninja they had been stalking. Naruto gave an evil grin and grabbed the two by the shirt collars. "Now, what have I told you about following me around?"
"If we're going to do it at all we have to do it right."
"Ok…well your camouflage was better definitely, but you need to mask your chakra! Didn't Ebisu pervert teach you that!? What kind of a sensei doesn't teach his student to…Konohamaru are you listening to me? KONOHAMARU? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, DATTEBAYO!? DO I NEED TO KICK SOME SENS" and Naruto continued yelling, completely missing the horde of Naruto clones stampeding behind him, all being chased by a crazy killer chicken.
"Ano-sa, Naru-nii-chan. You were being chased by a crazy killer chicken! How am I supposed to pay attention to you when your clones are distracting me!?" The brown haired genin stomped his foot and pointed." Naruto faced the direction his fan was pointing in and balked. Naruto panicked for a second and then joined in the fray.
Neji stared.
Shikamaru twitched.
All of the other Jounins rolled on the floor, some in the fetal position.
"Make it stop! Make it stop being funny!" one managed to wheeze out between his laughs. Looking back to the screen, Neji and Shikamaru succumbed to the laughter as they saw Naruto hanging onto the tail of a huge chicken screaming "I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Let me off this thing!"
All of the ninja sent out to find the loose poultry had finally made their way back to the Hokage's office. Everyone placed down their respective parcels, numbers outward.
Tsunade marched over to the troublesome group and quickly counted to get this over with, "Alright, we have numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. Good job everyone, now go back to wor…Why are you all looking at me like that?"
"Godaime-sama…chicken number nine is missing." Said mystery Chunnin proctor number eleven.
Crash
"NANI!?"
Kakashi let out a girlish squeal. "This is the best part coming up!" Almost every Jounin straightened up and paid really close attention to the many screens around them. The anticipation of what was to come was thick in the air.
It is at this time, the rest of the village discovered what had been going on all day. Many of the villagers began to over-react. A fine example of this being the shout of "I'll teach you to mess with me!" Followed by whacking sounds and a protesting "Kaa-san! Kaa-san! Stop hitting Tou-san with the broom! He's not the missing chicken!"
This scene caused many Jounins to break character, as if they hadn't already, and start bawling from laughing so hard. The raucous laughter drifted all the way to Tsunade's ears. The jig was up.
"Alright. Tell us where the missing chicken is and we won't need to do anything drastic."
"The silent treatment, huh? Okay, you heard the man…or you didn't hear the man. Launch Plan X!"
'NOT PLAN X! Oh Kami-Sama, SAVE ME!' the caught Jounin panicked, outwardly showing calm. "Nothing you do will make me talk."
Honey colored eyes narrowed at the challenge. "Bring in the chalkboards, the potpourri, and untie the prisoner's hands."
The sounds of nails on a chalkboard and half-hearted sniffs echoed into the lobby above them.
"Now, what are you going to tell us?"
"I don't remember."
"Why don't you remember?
"I have myasthenia gravis. It affects my memory."
"And in what way does it affect your memory?"
"…I forget." Sheepish look.
"I see. You forget. Can you give an example of something you've forgotten?"
"Well, I forgot why I was in your secret office. In fact, I forgot you had a secret office."
"Let's see if re-runs of Captain Planet will jog your memory."
Hands stretched out to grab the interrogator's coat and the captive began to plead, "Okay okay! I remember! Just not twitch the Planeteers!" The Jounin then produced a very detailed map that marked 'you are here' and 'missing chicken'.
After spending the whole day searching for their elusive prey, the chunnin stumble haggardly upon a huge marquis. It had a terribly written poem on it that went a little bit like this:
"We sent you a gift; our spirits you lift.
The whole gang's here; the journey now ends.
A prank that kept growing; 24 hours we had you unknowing
Thanks for the fun; See you next year.
Happy Prank Day
Peace, Love, Captain Crunch
-The Jounin"
"What's that small writing at the bottom?" Sakura whipped out a magnifying glass and held it up to the marquis. "It says," the pink haired girl began "that there…was no…chicken number nine."
Back in the village, mothers comforted their children as the thunderous roar of "NANI!?" shook many windows.
Owari
A/N: Well, it was silly and stupid, yet funny, in my opinion. Review please! I'll be starting my chapter story sometime soon. Here's a short summary:
Sasuke is a museum curator who stumble's across a mysterious chest that takes him back in time, to a place that is no longer found on Earth. There he meets Naruto, and is swept into a whirlwind adventure.