Thought this fandom could use some straight smut too, so here's my contribution to our own category-less little world. It's completely different from my other Mexico fic, and I think it's a lot more interesting than just a little phone call. After all, everyone loves smut! This takes place sometime before the movie, but it doesn't really matter.

Johnny Depp and Eva Mendez belong to themselves, and Sands and Ajedrez belong to Rodriguez, but the tattoo is mine, all mine! You can stick this idea in your fics, but give me the credit, for, say it with me, it is mine! *laughs*

Dickhead


"You're like sugar." He spoke into her abdomen. His breath tickled the tanned skin and left behind the scent of tobacco, pork and tequila with a hint of lime. "I just want to eat you all up." He bit down on the skin surrounding her bellybutton for emphasis, and she jerked beneath him, slapping the side of his head with her hands.

"Stop that! I'm ticklish, you bastard!" But the man who went by the name of Sands didn't stop. His hands reluctantly left her breasts to tickle her hops. Ajedrez shrieked, trying to escape his grasp, and ended up landing hard on the floor. "Fucker." She muttered, the smile leaving her face.

"You wish." Sands teased, patting the empty space on the bed beside him, motioning for her to come back on the bed. "Come on, I'm horny. Get your fine ass back up here and give me what I paid for."

But Ajedrez made no sign of moving, folding her arms across her chest, a sight that dissapointed Sands. "Hey, at least let me look at them."

"I'm not a prostitute, you dickhead. You," She pointed to his head between his legs with her finger, "begged me to come up here." The finger was now pointed at her chest, and Sands grinned. "I have enough money; I don't need to sleep around. Especially not with trash like you."

Sands shook his head in disbelief. "Fuck that. Everyone needs to sleep around sometimes. It's human nature, Charles Darwin, shit like that. Freud, savvy?"

"Right, right." Ajedrez shook her head. "I'm still not getting back up there with you."

"Why the hell not?"

Ajedrez clicked her tongue against her teeth. "You have to prove yourself worthy," she purred. "of my company."

Sands threw his hands up. "This is ridiculous!" Ajedrez cocked her head, smirking. Sands was perfectly content just as it was, until Ajedrez's arms came back up over her chest.

"Stop staring at my breasts!" She glared at the rather large bulge in Sands' pants, as if to get even with him.

"Keeping me from staring is like keeping a fish in a tank without water." He shrugged. "Now get back up here." She shook her head, so Sands reached into his pocket, then his other one, and pulled out his wallet. He flipped it open, revealing his CIA badge. Next to the big bold letters was a small photo of a younger man, grinning from ear to ear. His hair was shaved off and on the side of his head, just above the hairline, was a clearly visible tattoo of a penis.

"CIA." He said proudly, more to himself than anything. Ajedrez crawled back onto the bed to get a better look at the picture. Sands noticed teh sudden look of interest. "Jesus...You are a dickhead."

"Those tough guys that ran the training program for the rookies, they'd give me shit." Sands explained. "They'd call me cocky."

Ajedrez looked up at Sands, then to the picture, and then back at Sands. "So you got a tattoo of a penis..."

"To commemorate the occasion? Or to prove them what I really was."

"Insane?" It all seemed a little drastic to Ajedrez, but also incredibly sexy. It showed character.

Sands shook his head. "How many other people do you know that would get a tattoo of a head on their head?" He smiled at his joke.

Ajedrez situated herself facing Sands, sitting between his legs. She could feel his erection against her leg. She reached up and traced his hairline with her fingers, trying to find the tattoo; "Actual size?" She was just trying to get to him. She could feel that the tattoo was nowhere near actual size for this big boy. It was fun to piss him off.

Sands slapped the wallet shut and tucked it back into his pocket. "That question," he unbuttoned his pants, "was dumb. In fact, I'm about to prove you wrong. Are you ready?" Ajedrez sighed, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly when Sands stood up and the pants hit the floor. The smiley-face boxers followed.

Definitely not actual size. Not by a long shot. "Alright, fine. I'll go quietly." She held out her arms, wrists together, and threw back her head. "Take me."

"Taste me? What? I can hardly hear you, I think my hearing's gone, waiting for you."

"Fuck you-hey," She wrapped her arms around Sands' neck. "That sounds like a pretty good idea to me." She pulled the CIA agent down so that his face was an inch from hers. His other head was still a prominent feeling against her leg - oh fuck, is it getting bigger?!

Ajedrez didn't have much time to speculate, since Sands was already fumbling with the drawstring of her pants. He had succeeded in tying them in an impossible knot. He cursed under his breath, yanking the string in an attempt to rip it. "Those are my pants," She complained. "Get off, let me do it." She tried to untie the knot with no success. "Ah, fuck it. Tear it."

Sands did, and then he did taste her, and when he was done he sat up, said nothing. Just smirked. "Well?" Ajedrez asked finally, the silence growing more uncomfortable by the second. "What did you think?"

"Let me tell you." Sands said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't that good. Nothing I'd like to do again, thats for-"

"You little shit! She jammed her knee into his abdomen; his jaw dropped and he collapsed onto the bed, one hand clutching his stomach. "You loved it and you know it."

Sands took deep breaths. Had Ajedrez really hurt him badly? He did deserve it - No one spoke to her like that and got away with is. "Maybe...if you stopped treating me like...like a punching bag, I'll play nice."

"Maybe if you stopped treating me like a piece of ass, so will I." She smiled down at Sands and ran her hands across his chest. He pulled her down onto the bed and did the same. There, now, that wasn't so hard? Ajedrez was finally calm enough, no more kicking or hitting or slapping or kneeing. At least not for now - he hoped. The lion was at bay. After a while, when Sands thought Ajedrez had fallen asleep in his arms, she spoke again.

"Why didn't you tell me your name was Sheldon?" The question came as a surprise and a shock, but Sands was too peaceful to care. He merely shrugged.

"I didn't want you to laugh." He didn't wonder how Ajedrez had unearthed his "secret." He showed her his fucking badge with his name, birthplace, everything. Smart move.

"Don't be so fucking self conscious." To his surprise, Ajedrez didn't laugh. Instead, she pulled away and smiled. The look in her eyes was dangerous - deadly. Sands wanted her. Badly.

"Fucking." He murmured, reaching over Ajedrez so that he was on top of her. And that's just what they did. The daughter of a cartel leader and a man with a dick tattooed to his head.