Calvin and Hobbes: A Stupendous Christmas!
(Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Calvin and Hobbes, except for all the books. Seriously, they're amazing. Go buy the books.)
The shopping mall was crowded, as was to be expected on the afternoon before Christmas. By far the most crowded part of the mall was the line to see Santa Claus. The rotund elf sat on a throne flanked by elfin guards and candy canes while child after child came, sat on his lap, stopped crying long enough to smile, and ran off.
"I cannot believe you wanted to come see Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, Calvin," said a woman somewhere in her mid-thirties. She had bags under her eyes that were commonplace to every mother during the Christmas season, but their presence was only exacerbated by the six-year-old at her feet.
"I already told you," said Calvin, "Hobbes and I had a few things we wanted to tell Santa to make sure he stuck on his sleigh tonight."
"I think Santa's already done his shopping," said Calvin's mother as the line inched forward.
"I don't buy that garbage," said Calvin. He turned to the tiger at his side. "Santa doesn't buy his toys, right?"
"You were the one who wrote to him about exploiting labor in an effort to get more presents," said Hobbes placidly.
"Oh yeah!"
They were still at least twelve people away from getting to see Santa. Presently, Santa was struggling with a squirming kid on his lap who was bawling his head off. "Somebody, help me!" Santa said as the boy kicked him in the shins.
Calvin's face lit up. "Uh oh," said Hobbes.
People everywhere stood still in their winter overcoats and snow boots as a crimson bolt flashed across the winter sky. It was Christmas Eve, and nothing brought tidings of comfort and joy to red-blooded Americans everywhere like Stupendous Man!
But what was this? Some malicious intruder, wishing ill upon the inhabitants of a suburban paradise? Surely this required the attention of nobody less than Stupendous Man! The caped crusader's arc veered sharply as everybody's greatest hero touched down beside the chimney.
"Surrender yourself, malodorous miscreant!" The masked marvel bellowed across the suburban rooftops. "Stupendous Man has arrived!" These weighty words repeated themselves across the void vacancies of this night of Navidad, but no answer reached up into the ears of the world's greatest hero. After mightily clearing his throat, the burgundy brawler shouted a terrible taunt toward the nearby foe of freedom. "Come, cold and hardened criminal! There's no place like home for the holidays, and your home is clearly in some warm prison cell!"
Just then, the spectacular super-hearing of Stupendous Man sensed sonic soundwaves of sweetness to the Scarlet Scoundrel's senses—the sounds of a home invasion brewing directly beneath his feet! This called for action! This called for justice! This called for STUPENDOUS MAN!
With precious seconds to spare, the dashing dahlia rushed down the nearest entry to the humble domicile below—the nearby chimney! With stupendous speed and cunning intellect, the rubicund ranger appeared on the ground floor, bursting out with all the might of a blazing battalion of berserkers. "Stand fast, odious outlaw! Stupendous Man has arrived to end your chilly Christmas crime!"
Calvin pulled a red mask and cape—tightly folded—out of his pockets and began tying them on. "Do you carry those things with you everywhere?" said Hobbes.
"Stupendous Man has to always be prepared!" said Calvin.
His mother looked down at him. "What? Oh, no you don't, bucko. If you try and go 'Superlative Man' or whatever you've named yourself here, you won't get any Christmas." She paused for a moment. "In fact, we're leaving," she said. "I've still got some wrapping to do."
No Christmas? What a dastardly plot! How could any fiend hate liberty, free will, and the United States of America enough to dare threaten its greatest holiday? There was no way any citizen as right-minded as Stupendous Man could let this pass! And so it was to be—Stupendous Man and Santa, together in a colossal coalition to bring the wonderful ways of Christmas to each and every American child under the stars and stripes! As Santa Claus and his sled of small Scandinavian reindeer parted company to the west, Stupendous Man flew into the eastern sky, loftily lifting a large load of presents over his left shoulder! Christmas was rushing towards the Atlantic Ocean with Stupendous speed!
They were in the family sedan within minutes, Calvin fuming in the backseat with Hobbes. "My plans will not be easily thwarted, vile Mom-Lady!" he shouted. Hobbes rolled his eyes and pressed his face against the window.
"Your plans never are, are they?" said Calvin's mother, and she turned up the volume on the radio.
When they reached the house, Calvin dashed straightaway up to his room, Hobbes following. Calvin shut the door and leaned against it, still dressed as Stupendous Man. "This may require some stupendous planning…" said Calvin.
"Well, if you need me, I'll be taking my nap," said Hobbes, and he slinked over to Calvin's bed. "I really don't want my Christmas Eve to be ruined by Stupendous Man." He lay down and shut his eyes and was almost immediately snoring gently.
"A nap? What kind of reaction is that?" said Calvin, but Hobbes was completely unresponsive. "Actually, that might work to my—I mean, Stupendous Man's—advantage… at least, using Stupendous Man's stupendous abbreviated hibernation spray…"
This midwinter midnight mission was progressing far better than even Stupendous Man's stupendous brain could have predicted! Santa and his reindeer were skilled and practiced, yes, but even their millennia of experience was no match for stupendous speed! With time to spare, Stupendous Man flew down another chimney with skill seldom seen outside of Santa Claus himself! But this dwelling was no strangers to the greatness of Stupendous Man, for this was the abode of humble, mild-mannered, 6-year-old playboy Calvin, his secret alter ego! By day, evil forces often conspired to confine the crimson crimefighter to the mundane doldrums of suburban civilization. But not even the strongest forces could long hold Stupendous Man, and the world's greatest hero was once more in this home as its master, not as some powerless peon awaiting the slaughter!
Calvin awoke very suddenly. He had fallen asleep at around 6:00 PM; it was now 11:30. He grinned wickedly and very quietly went downstairs.
The familiar sights, sounds, and surroundings that sensuously serenaded the supremely Stupendous senses were not the only greetings to our homecoming hero, however—the vile villain known only as Dad-Man stood beneath the family Christmas tree, holding a wrapped explosive device. With absolutely no time to spare, Stupendous Man dashed forward with stupendous speed, knocking the bomb from the hideous hateful hands of the horrible heel before him. Turning swiftly, he landed several skilled blows upon the frame of his great archenemy with sufficient force to render him unconscious for the remainder of the year. Another victory for Stupendous Man!
Thinking with the stupendous powers of his superhuman mind, Stupendous Man realized he still had the moral imperative to disarm the explosive device Dad-Man had surely planned to ruin the holidays with. Picking up the package, the mighty hero tore open the seasonal wrapping paper to reveal the hideous contents only a true evil mastermind could have planned—underwear, specifically marked for innocent Calvin! With seconds to spare, our hero swiftly tossed the awful undergarments into the raging fire nearby. Stupendous Man had triumphed, and that meant America, too, had triumphed over her enemies! Hurrah for Christmas! Hurrah for America! Hurrah for Stupendous Man!
"CALVIN!" shouted his father, flecks of spit coming out of his mouth. "What on EARTH are you doing? AND WEARING?!"
"Calvin?" said Calvin in feigned tones of amazement. "Who is Calvin? I'm—"
"In very serious trouble!" screamed his father. "You just set one of your Christmas presents on fire!"
"A small price to pay for freedom, vile villain! Stupendous Man triumphs over evil again!" Calvin dropped his hands to his hips, smiling proudly.
"That's it, Calvin! No presents for you! Now march upstairs and go to bed before I toss YOU in there after that underwear!" Calvin's dad's face turned completely red as his shouting grew in volume. Stupendous Man dashed up the stairs at stupendous speed, not waiting for another word.
"Smooth move, Einstein." Hobbes growled in half-sleep as Calvin opened the door. The six-year-old slammed it shut behind him and started moving furniture to barricade himself and his tiger inside.
"Shut up." Calvin folded his arms, taking a break from pushing his dresser. "Stupendous Man saved me from underwear, at least. All I'm probably missing out on is one of Grandma's sweaters, anyway." Calvin gave his dresser another start, and something fell and hit him on the head. After a brief recoil, Calvin bent over and picked a sleigh bell off of his floor.
"Hobbes!" Calvin shouted as he began fidgeting excitedly. "Hobbes! Santa really did come! He came! He came!" Hobbes turned over, clamped his eyes shut, and desperately tried to get to sleep as Calvin's shouts of "he came!" continued.
Downstairs, Calvin's dad continued to mess around with presents, removing all of the packages marked "Calvin" from under the tree and grumbling profanity. Calvin's mother stepped out of the kitchen, holding a Santa hat and looking confused. "Dear, the bell fell off of my hat. Have you seen it anywhere?"
"Nope." Calvin's dad grunted, pulling out another wrapped package and returning to his cursing. "Oversized noodle loaf…"