In honor of April Fool's Day, a ficlet. Enjoy.
Minerva McGonagall was not one known for being very cheerful or ever appearing very relaxed. Nor was it common for her to be tardy for anything. Ever. It was therefore, extremely obvious that something was amiss when she was late to Transfiguration class with the 6th year students on Friday morning.
Hermione was about to bolt for the door to look for her, and Harry was digging through his bag for the Marauder's map (forgetting he had it stashed at the bottom of his trunk up in the dorms).
SLAM! The classroom door flew open and Professor Minerva McGonagall, Transfiguration instructor for more than 39 years leaped into the room and pounced to her desktop. She stood there for a moment and eyed the class.
To be honest, it did look like her students were role-playing a scene from the last day of Pompeii or had been struck by the petrification spell. Harry and Ron had their heads both at a tilt to the side, mouths agape. In fact, the majority of the students appeared to have loose mandibular joints—their mouths were wide open. There wasn't even the sound of them breathing reaching Minerva's finely tuned cat-like hearing. She squinted her emerald green eyes a little and then arched her back a bit and crouched down to sit, impossibly enough for a 78 year-old witch, on her haunches. Keeping her left hand on the pile of parchments beneath her, she lifted her right arm and pulled it over her right ear briefly.
"You are to continue your practice use of nonverbal Transfiguration spells. Well, those goblets will NOT transform themselves. I suggest you set to work." And with that, Minerva's eyes surveyed the room.
"Er, right," Harry said, and looked dumbfounded at the goblet in front of him. Ron looked from McGonagall to Harry and back again, his mouth still stuck open.
Hermione could tell that the nervous giggles just behind her and to the left were her fellow Gryffindor, who were entirely unsure it was safe to giggle at their own head of house. To Hermione's right, the Slytherins occupying almost half the class were laughing with less control, their lack of respect for their instructor obvious in their glee over her current unusual actions.
Minerva's eyes became mere slits and she closed them briefly.
Hermione could not believe what she was seeing. She stepped up to the teacher's desk and as she did so, her movement attracted attention from her Professor. Once she was close, Minerva reached out with both hands and pulled Hermione closer. With a hand on each shoulder, the older woman brought her face close to Hermione's and as her lips neared Hermione's cheek, the girl froze. Minerva very carefully licked Hermione's ear!
As she set about properly cleaning Hermione's lobe, the young girl's face blanched. Still, Hermione was too stunned to move.
Ron began to snicker a little at this.
SLAM! Again, the classroom door flew open. Madam Hooch flew in the room on her broom ('That is surely against the rules, but bloody brilliant!,' thought Harry). As she set down by McGonagall and Hermione, she dismounted in a swift movement, turned, and flicked the wand Harry hadn't even noticed her pull out.
BAM !! The door flew shut in response to her movement, just as Severus Snape had come into view. Another flick of the wrist, and a click could be heard. The door was locked.
All those weak jaws that had been finding their way shut after McGonagall's unusual actions dropped right back open again.
With a small snort, the Quidditch referee slipped off her gloves and gripped them with her broom in her right hand while with her left, she reached towards Professor McGonagall. As her hand came within inches of Minerva's eyes, Minerva paused in her cleaning of Hermione's ear to briefly hover her nose over Hooch's hand.
With a forceful thrust, Minerva pushed the top of her head against Hooch's hand. Hooch complied, chuckling, and gave some gentle scratches, loosening the bun and sending a cascade of dark hair down past Minerva's shoulders.
Hermione gasped.
Hooch paused in her actions and looked at the young woman standing right next to her as if noticing her for the first time.
"Miss Granger. You act surprised to see that Kitty McGonagall likes her head scratched. She also likes a bit of tuna as a treat from time to time."
In a softer voice, Hooch continued, her attention directed back to Minerva, "Sorry, love. I didn't bring any treats with me just now." She chuckled at her words and looked up and around the classroom.
"You do understand. April Fool's Day?" When there was no response, she chuckled warmly yet again, unabashed.
"Well, it is a lovely bit of fun in the States. An official day for tomfoolery and the like. Lots of wonderful practical jokes." Her bird-like eyes alighted on Ron.
"Fred and George Weasley would love it."
Hermione cleared her throat.
"Yes, well then," Hooch turned her attention back to Minerva. With a flick and a mumble, Professor McGonagall suddenly tensed. Before Hooch could react, the older woman scratched her neatly across the chest, hissing simultaneously. After a moment, she placed one hand on the desk edge and the one she had just clawed at Hooch with on Hooch's shoulder for support. Carefully, she stepped down off the desk.
"Bloody hell, 'Mara. I'm going to be stiff from crouching like that. And in front of a class, no less. It is no wonder you were constantly in detention as a student." Professor McGonagall pulled herself up to full height. She likely thought she cut an imposing figure, but had obviously forgotten or otherwise not noticed that her hair was down and swishing around as she moved.
"Oh, Minnie. Lighten up. I didn't think you would run so quickly from the room. I really was about to undo the spell as you bounded off to class. Surely you must admit it was just a wee bit fun, love?" She held her thumb and forefinger a few centimeters from each other, as if to indicate a measurable quantity of fun.
McGonagall's face reddened, "I would appreciate your departure from the classroom just now, Madam Hooch. I will be talking to Dumbledore about your shenanigans this evening."
Hooch raised an eyebrow and cocked her head, placing one foot slightly forward with confidence.
"Oh, you know I wouldn't have set you up like this, surely? I just hadn't prepared for all the possibilities, Kitty."
Minerva blinked, and then spoke in short, clipped tones "Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Again, please leave." This time, she waved her hand in the direction of the door.
Reluctantly, Hooch made for the door. Her hand upon the knob, she muttered quietly, "Alohamora."
Because she was muttering this, she almost didn't hear Minerva barely whispering simultaneously, "My dear hawk." Because Hooch and Minerva had been together for so long, she knew that Minerva was aware she was heard. Nonetheless, she acted as if she hadn't captured Minerva's words at all. In fact, the only other person who had heard Minerva was Hermione, who was still standing, transfixed, near Minerva's desk.
Madam Hooch just couldn't help herself, though. It was April Fool's Day, after all. A day for humor to have free reign. And so, turning her head towards the class, with a wink and a nod, she then slipped into place her best poker face. She then calmly swiveled to look Professor McGonagall in the eye to deliver a closing shot.
"One request, love. I would like a rain check on that lovely bit of ear licking you were performing on Miss Granger. She is, after all, a student, and underage. While I," she paused for dramatic effect, "give as good as I get. And you know it." She slipped through the door and had it shut behind her before ole' McGonagall could react.
For a brief moment, their Transfiguration Professor's face was a deep red. And then, the color started to dissipate as she pulled her hair back up into a tidy knot atop her head.
"Well, get to work. We don't celebrate silly American muggle holidays here, now do we? Weasley family excluded. Mr. Longbottom. Mr. Longbottom. I just told you to get to work." She rapped his desk and continued to move through the rows of desks.
As the students worked silently on their task, Harry made note to ask Hermione if she had read somewhere more about this 'April Fool's Day' phenomenon. It really did interest him.