Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 1
Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
WARNING 2: Yeah, there's been some MPREG talk lately, and this is what my sick little mind came up with. Bear in mind, this is being written by someone who can't stand MPREG fics (it's just not possible!!!)
WARNING 3: Anyone who flames me because this tale is MPREG will be laughed at. Because you didn't read my first warning. But just to make sure we get the point across: PURE CRACK!!!!! CRRRRAAACCCKKK!
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.
Disclaimer: I don't own shit. If I did, do you think I would be posting this for free? Well, maybe I would, because DC sure as hell wouldn't let me right this. But, as a matter of course, the characters belong to DC/Nolan/Fox/WB/whomever isn't me. I make no money. And I really don't have anything to give you except my Batman graphic novels. And, seriously, why would you big wigs want that?
Mr. Mxyzptlk was bored. Bored, bored, bored!! But what to do about it? He could go and play with Superman, but that was just not as exciting as it used to be. What he needed was a new playground. Some place where no one had heard of him.
It felt as if he had been traveling for ages (two weeks, if you were concerned about such trivial things). But after perusing different universes, Mr. Mxyzptlk happened upon one that caught his eye. There seemed to be no magic here what so ever. Lots of science, no Superman.
But the Batman of this world, now there was something interesting to behold. Especially with this world's Joker.
"I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me."
"To them, you're just a freak, like me!"
"I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so... boring. I've had a change of heart. I don't want Mr. Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let's give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn't dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital."
"Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever."
The Joker was truly a man with a vision that Mxyzptlk could enjoy. All those wonderful explosions! The way he could make an entire city run around like that, turn on its fellow citizens? Priceless.
Too bad he was locked up in Arkham at the moment.
But Mr. Mxyzptlk was always willing to help someone out.
Provided it brought him a fair bit of entertainment.
The Joker looked up in surprise at the midget that had seemingly just appeared in his cell. Must be slipping drugs in the food. Note to self: start trading food with other prisoners.
"Ah, can I help you?" the Joker asked his mysterious visitor.
"Oh, no no no, Mr. Joker, the question is: how can I help you?" The little man took a step back, bowed deeply over one leg and removed his hat with a flourish. He looked up at the Joker with a sly grin. "And I most certainly can help you."
Well, you don't kick opportunity in the balls after it knocks and you bothered to open the door for him. You at least heard him out. "And, what can you do for me?" The Joker eyed his strange little guest wearily. He didn't look like a patient, but one can never always tell the patients from the psychos in Arkham.
"You might say that I'm a huge fan of your work. The disappearing pencil trick? Fabulous! That timing in the bank heist with the school buses? Brilliant!" Mxyzptlk straightened and put his hat back on his head. "A pity that Batman interfered with your last little scheme."
The Joker started to circle around the other. "Really? So glad to have a fan. But I do believe you said you could help me?" If this little fool could get him out of here, he would let him live that long.
"What if I told you I had the power to grant wishes?"
Oh, for fuck's sake. Question answered: this guy was a patient.
The Joker coiled in around Mxyzptlk's neck. "And if I pop your head off, will I find lots of candy inside?" he hissed.
Mxyzptlk sighed. "I don't have time for this, Mr. Joker. Like you, I am a busy man-"
"Who grants wishes," the Joker finished disbelievingly. He tightened his grip, and then there was nothing there.
Mxyzptlk sat on the bed, grinning cheerfully at the Joker. "I just realized how rude I've been. I haven't introduced myself. My name is Mr. Mxyzptlk, from the Fifth Dimension."
Joker bit at one of his scars while his eye twitched. Maybe that freak Dr. Crane, or Scarecrow, or whatever personality was talking to people today, had slipped something in the food. Because people do not just disappear and reappear like that. Nope, no way, no how.
The little man continued: "And I would like to grant you a wish." He held up a warning finger as the Joker opened his mouth. "But I should tell you, make sure it's a good one. Because you only get one wish. And you can't wish for more wishes or any of that nonsense. So, what would you like?"
The Joker, who was usually ready with some kind of comeback (even if it was a bullet to the spleen), could think of nothing to say. But he was doing an excellent interpretation of a fish out of water.
Mr. Mxyzptlk was getting bored. This guy seemed like a lot more fun. He summoned up a couple of small stars to play with, juggling them effortlessly. "I don't have all day, Mr. Joker." Mxyzptlk grinned, throwing two of the stars past the Joker's head, where they lodged themselves in the cell door. "Actually, I have all of eternity, but you don't. So, please make up your mind."
And the Joker blurted out the first coherent thought to come into his mind:
"I want Batman."
Mr. Mxyzptlk leaned forward. "Are you sure? 'Cause once I put things into motion, there's no changing it."
"I really want Batman."
With a wave of his hand, the two stars went supernova and blasted the cell door open. Mr. Mxyzptlk floated over to the Joker and put his hand on the Joker's shoulder. "Ask and ye shall receive!" the small man cackled.
The Joker gasped as a strange warmth went from his shoulder into his belly. "What the hell was that?" he gasped, scratching at his belly. He pulled the uniform away, expecting to see… well, he didn't know exactly what he thought would be on his skin, but he expected to find some kind of mark there. "What did you just do to me?"
"You're a free man, Mr. Joker. Free to reap the rewards that your wish shall surely bring!" Mr. Mxyzptlk announced grandly. "Just go to the end of this hallway, take a left and you will come to the elevator that will take you to freedom."
"But what did you do to me?" the Joker demanded, trying to choke an answer out of Mxyzptlk.
Mr. Mxyzptlk easily evaded the grasping hands. "I thought you wanted out of this place to get to your Batman? I mean, from what I've seen, you two were clearly made for each other." As he started to fade from sight, Mxyzptlk cackled, "All I did to you was help create something to bring the two of you closer together." And then he was gone.
Well, hallucination or not, the door was open and it was time to go. Arkham was dull, and it was time to play with Gotham some more.
TWO WEEKS LATER
It had taken the Joker nearly two weeks to get back into full swing. There was gasoline and bullets to procure. A new suit. Some hair dye (blond really wasn't his color). All the old familiar trappings that made him… The Joker.
The Joker was bent over a table, looking through maps of the city's sewer system. Maybe it was time to make a little something out of that whole "there's alligators in the sewer" myth. Or maybe-
"Schiff, what are you watching?" the Joker snapped. He was feeling oddly bloated today and kept having to go to the bathroom.
Schiff, the ever loyal henchmen, looked at his God nervously from the coach. "Just watching the news, Mr. Joker, sir," Schiff stammered. "No mentions of Batman yet, they're just talking about animals that are up for adoption."
The Joker grabbed a hammer and was about to smash the television set when the overly chipper blond held aloft a soft, wriggling corgi puppy. All sparkly eyes and adorable little paws. He had always wanted to have a puppy. But his father… or was it his mother? Grandmother? Third grade teacher? Said he just wasn't responsible enough to handle a puppy.
"And this little fella, named Scamper, was brought to the ASPCA just last week. He loves long walks and cuddling," the woman on the television was saying. "Isn't he just precious?"
"Mr. Joker, sir, are you all right?" Schiff asked nervously.
"Huh?" The Joker snapped out of his reverie.
"Um, are you… well, that is… your eyes are leaking, sir." Schiff promptly pissed himself and ran from the room screaming like a little girl.
The Joker reached up and touched his face. His fingers came away with a mixture of grease paint and what appeared to be tears.
Suspiciously sniffing and wiping his hand on his pants, the Joker muttered, "Must be allergies or something."
Still sniffling a bit, he turned to see two other recent recruitees walk into the room. They were carrying bags of food. The smell of greasy chickens wafted up to the Joker's nostrils.
The Joker's stomach promptly starting doing acrobatics. "Fuck," he muttered as he made a mad dash for the bathroom and heaved up what little had been in there.
Glaring at the swirling toilet, the Joker slammed the seat down. "What the hell is going on?"
Safe in the fifth dimension, with a television to monitor his new favorite "show" and a fresh bucket of fried chicken, Mr. Mxyzptlk cackled to himself. "Oh, this is going to be good!"