AN: This here is the slightly re-written first two chapters merged into one. Seriously, when did I ever believe 2000 words was long enough for a chapter? February 2013 apparently. Anyway, I've taken out some bits that don't fit (such as my original manuscript being full of swearing from an edit I tried) and altered others, but the first few chapters still don't quite 'mesh' in my opinion, with the rest of the work. Shinji is full of semi-meta jokes and it regularly breaks the forth wall, but most importantly it does the one thing I thought I would never do: all-caps yelling.

A collective moment of shudder, please.

I probably won't change anything after this, mainly because I can't think of any way to make it less bad. Also a note, since I figure I have to put it somewhere. Shipping is not a focus of this, I'm trying to keep character's true to themselves and the only consequence of teen romance is giant robot fights. Sue me, I'm an adult.

Oh god I'm an adult.

FANFICTION START!

I Bet They Don't Get This on Maury

He'd almost expected something ludicrous and violent, but a family reunion was a bit much to expect. Some part of this would leave him with nightmares for many weeks to come, he just knew it.

"I know you said I'd see something surprising, but giant robot unicorns was not on the list of things I was expecting. My father looking down on me and demanding things, yes, purple unicorns, no." He said, hands clenched firmly by his side, much like his buttocks on the hell-raising ride into NERV. The clenched part, not the 'wearing his buttocks by his side' part.

The purple-haired woman beside him stared him down, this was apparently not the time to bring up his nigh-patricidal urges. The dye-blonde scientist on his other side just kept looking up at his father, suspended in the glass-walled box on the ceiling. Occasionally she would look at the giant humanoid submerged in a pool of blood-coloured water, but she seemed fairly intent on his father, whose voice seemed to blare from the speakers above him directly into his soul. "Shinji, this is not a question from me, you father; I am asking you to do this as the Commander of NERV."

"You're demanding, not asking." Commander or not, Gendo Ikari was still his father, so he could be as petty as he wanted. The ceiling shook, it was obvious even to Shinji, the monster he had only narrowly escaped was searching for them, getting closer every time.

"Then I'll ask you: Shinji, will you pilot Evangelion Unit-01 and save the collective lives of humanity?"

Shinji thought on this; his father, a man callous enough to ignore his wife's death to save the world, was reduced to pleading with the son he had abandoned almost ten years ago.

"No."

"NAHNI?" Somehow, everyone in the room, important and unimportant, questioned him at the same time. Even the jumpsuit clad workers prepping the robot for combat had been waiting on his response. Everyone except his father. Typical. "Very well then, if you will not pilot, then you are of no use to me." Gendo turned to something at his side, his voice still broadcasting to the cage, "Fuyutsuki, the Spare is useless, Rei must pilot, get her to the cage immediately." Then a moment later, "She's not dead, is she?"

Shinji was in shock. He had expected more pleading, his father to acknowledge his mistakes, but, he realised this was Gendo Ikari, he would have some near-dead girl fight giant green monsters if there was no one else. The shuddering came again, causing small waves in the pool of orange-red water below.

Within moments, the door opposite the one he came in through opened to disgorge a group of sterile doctors and one hospital bed. The bed was rushed over to the purple monstrosity, whereupon the doctors left their patient and almost ran in their haste to leave. The bed's occupant, a small blue-haired girl, began to rise from the bed, struggling to win the fight against gravity.

Hypocritically, Shinji couldn't stand to watch someone flop pathetically like that, he moved toward her, then he realised who she was. This was the pilot of his father's machine, the person who would most likely die fighting the thing outside, if she didn't die getting out of her bed. He turned away from her, meeting her gaze for a fraction of a second before he started toward the opposite door. As he walked away, the shaking grew so great, he was thrown to the floor; looking around, he saw everyone had been dumped onto the floor, even the girl in the bed. Coward though he was, he didn't have it in him to abandon a hospital patient in pain.

The falling girders were the only altered factor in his new decision calculation, but they constituted a large enough change to outweigh his 'Petty' and 'Cunt' voting blocs.

Running to her, Shinji yelled what he figured would be his last words in his pitifully short and unfulfilled life, "This was a bad idea!"

...

No one present at that moment, with the exception of Gendo, had expected it. To allow a margin of error, Fuyutsuki would have also predicted it, but he wasn't in the room at the time, doing things that old people might do. Doubtless, even Gendo was surprised it had taken this long for Unit-01 to act, though it had made for a spectacular entrance, sheltering both children from falling debris with one massive purple hand. Shinji had not believed in an afterlife, but right now he figured death must pick up right where you left off, girders or not. Strangely, he did not remember the feeling of thick steel crushing his weak flesh to a pulp, so he may not have been dead. Dead or not, he was clutching the pilot girl protectively tight, tight enough that he could feel her heart beating against his own.

If you give up now, they all die. Everyone. Father, Uncle, this girl

His childish jibe from earlier seemed extraordinarily insignificant in the face of death.

Father demanding things, always demanding.

Yes

You do NOT run away You can NOT run away You will NOT run away you must NOT run away

Mustn'trunawaymustn'trunawaymustn'trunawaymustn'trunaway

"I'll do it." The girl in his arms managed to look at him, even the purple-haired woman bit down on her bomber jacket at hearing him. He lowered the girl to the floor slowly; her blood on his hands making them slippery, he pushed himself to his feet.

"I'll pilot it."

...

"Begin LCL ionisation and set plug depth at 135."

"Glubglubglubglub." Shinji eloquently reported on his status.

Akagi activated the microphone that allowed her to talk to Shinji, "Just let the LCL fill your lungs, you can breathe and speak normally then." She released the button and turned to Maya Ibuki, her unofficial assistant with an unofficial crush on her, "Activate neural circuits and get the A10 up to the borderline." Reports began to roll in from the command substations below them.

"Angel has entered into range of automated defenses."

"Automated defenses are having no effect."

"A.T. Field increasing, Pattern Blue stable."

Gendo spoke from behind his gloves, "Is the Third Child ready, Doctor Akagi? I would like to save the world before Kozou dies of old age."

Akagi seemed offended by this statement; she had worked hard to make sure Unit-01 was ready for Shinji, no matter his psychological profile. "Another moment Commander, we're passing the borderline now." She opened the communications channel to Shinji again, this time leaving it on permanently. "Shinji, can you see anything now? Any odd sensations?" He took a moment to consider this, looking around, flexing his fingers, a few deep breaths, before he replied, "The worker guys look tiny, and this LCD stuff tastes like blood," sniffing a few times, "and uh, possibly urine." Shinji's embarrassment was rivalled by many staff members on the bridge, all of whom seemed to be in some state of either schoolboy's tittering or refined disgust. Lieutenant Hyuga and Doctor Akagi seemed to display the extremes of both ends of the spectrum; Akagi tried to explain to Shinji that no, it was a highly scientific fluid designed to be as breathable as water and there's no way it should smell like either of those two things, but she was hardly heard over Hyuga's snickering. Shamed, she motioned to Maya to report. The brunette turned to Commander Ikari to remedy the situation; "All circuits established, synch rate steady at 63%"

"Excellent, move Unit-01 to the rails immediately."

...

"Excuse me, guys, am I actually going to, you know, do something, in this robot, or are you going to just ask me awkward questions?" Shinji was beginning to regret his decisions, his biggest regret being his decision to not feel that blue-haired girl's breast while she had been unconscious. He needed little justification in his own mind; he was young, male and about to die, it should be an allowance that he's horny. Shinji's regrets are stopped short when the cage floor jolted suddenly and raised him upward and backward. As he was rolled backward a small screen popped into existence in front of his right eye to disgorge the visage of the purple-haired woman who was apparently his new direct superior, a Captain Katsuragi he had been told. "Shinji, we're launching you as soon as we get you onto the rails, do you have any questions?" Shinji mulled his options over for a moment; this was potentially the last person who would speak with him before the world ended, so he would have to make the most of it. "Three actually. How is your face there, did you have sex with my father to get your position and who thought it was a Good Idea to give giant robots to teenagers?"

Katsuragi kept a neutral expression for all of two seconds before screaming "Launch him now!"

That was one of his less sound ideas, but he wanted to make sure he would be remembered, even if the Captain killed him later. His next thoughts were identical to his spoken words, screamed through the LCL as he rocketed up through the layers of the Geofront: "I think I wet my pants!"

And so began the compendium of "Things Shinji said while in the Eva".

Well Shit.

...

"-aaaaaaants!" Shinji screamed as the rail transport slammed into place above ground. The Eva's head jolted upward as it came to a stop, making it seem as though it was glaring at the monster in front of it. Said 'monster' (cough alien demigod cough) had been previously strolling merrily through down town Tokyo-3 in its search for easiest access to the Geofront. When it had heard the armour plates opening it had stopped its search to investigate the new opening in the ground. The opening in the ground had promptly vomited a giant purple robot in the Angel's direction like a bulimic Unicorn Dispenser, shocking the Angel to its core. It now stood opposite the purple humanoid and waited eagerly for it to make the first move.

...

"Now Shinji, it should feel just like you're some kind of giant person, so try to walk toward the Angel. Just think about walking, that should work." Akagi said, keeping her words simple for Shinji's sake.

"That's an Angel? What god?" The idea of any god having such a strange servant seemed incredible to Shinji, but nonetheless, it wanted to kill him, so he had to kill it first. "Giant body, alright then, right foot first." He pushed the strange handles in the cockpit forward, willing his new body forward. The Angel watched impassively as its opponent took one lurching step forward, arms swinging lazily by its side, then it took another step towa-wait, no, its opponent had fallen at its second step, not even throwing its arms down to break its fall.

"Ow." Shinji said simply, much to the continued mirth of the totally professional Lieutenant Hyuga.

The people in the bridge stood by in shock as the angel bore down on Shinji, willing him to get up and fight back. "Shinji! Get up, fight back! Fight back or we're all dead!"

Akagi looked on in horror as the Angel lifted Unit-01 off the ground by the head with a single hand. "Do I get a gun? A knife? I'd settle for a bottle to smash over its head right now." Katsuragi looked over her shoulder to the Commander with a questioning look. Her look was met with his nod; Katsuragi turned back around, "Shinji, there's a Prog-Knife in your left shoulder pylon, it should be able to kill the Angel." At her order, the left shoulder pylon folded open to reveal the handle of an Eva-sized knife, however just as Shinji was reaching for it the Angel threw out its other hand to stop him, lancing through both the Pylon and the knife with a glowing pink spear protruding from its three-clawed hand. Shinji was dismayed to see this, then extremely scared to see the same pink glow heading toward him from the other hand like a freight train through an orphanage. In moments, it was all he could do to fight the urge to again wet himself. Some part of him managed to grab the Angel's arm with his own, but the Angel was prepared for this it seemed, and grabbed his left arm with its free one, twisting and snapping the huge purple bundle of muscle like a twig. As Shinji was thrown against a nearby skyscraper by the Angel he no longer regretted wetting himself, or that he hadn't touched a breast at the age of 14, only that he could feel every sensation his new giant purple unicorn body could.

The cry of "Eva has deactivated!" echoed through the bridge as everyone present contemplated what would be their last words. Further cries rang out, ranging from "Pilot vitals are non-responsive!" to "We're all going to die!". Maya turned to Doctor Akagi, "Doctor Akagi, neural circuits are breaking one after the other! His synch rate is at 0%!". Even the camera installed in the entry plug was failing, Shinji's words began to come through distorted by static. Contact with Shinji was totally lost soon after, the last words heard from him where: "Help me, someone, anyone, save me!"

DESTROY.

When his arm felt like it was on fire, he ignored the feeling.

When his throat felt raw, he ignored the feeling.

When he felt the wind rush into his open mouth, he allowed the other presence to know him completely.

And so he also knew then, he was not using another's body like an empty shell.

He was sharing it.

He let the Other take back its broken body, he could see it knew how best to use it. The Other let him see through its eyes, as though a passenger. Through those eyes he could see the Enemy who has so soiled this body, the Enemy who would die by their hand. The Enemy threw a wall across their path, but the wall was pitiful, there was a stronger wall around his heart, and he had even stronger walls than that. The Enemy's wall crumbled before their might, as did the Enemy. The Other began to retreat from him then, and his mind began to feel totally his own once more. He could see the aftermath through his own eyes now, the Enemy was gone, but its mark had remained on the city. As far as his eyes roamed, only one building had passed through the trial unscathed; its windows reflecting the moonlight to him helped him make a stunning realisation.

...

Sometime during or after the battle, Unit-01 had lost its horned helmet, but it was still in one piece otherwise, right down to the newly regenerated eye.

"I'm going to take a quick nightmare-filled rest over there Father, wake me when it's time for school." And so, with all the gravity of, well, 9.81 m/s/s, Unit-01 fell to the ground like a beached whale.

INTERLUDE GO!

"Fuyutsuki never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough, he told me you killed him!"

"No. I am your father."

"That's not true, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Not quite, here's the birth certificate."

"Well, guess that checks ou-wait, siblings: Reia Organa?"

"Twins technically."

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

INTERLUDE OVER!

Shinji didn't remember how he had come to be lying in a hospital room, he couldn't remember why his right eye hurt, but he was fairly certain he had been drugged by someone in a bar. He quickly discarded that theory and section of his brain because he wasn't a woman or old enough to drink. After taking stock of his surroundings, he was definitely in a hospital room, though not any he recognised. His eyes appeared to be perfectly fine, even the pain was fading quickly. After pressing a conveniently placed call button, he tried his hardest to remember what had happened. The nurse arrived quickly, nearly slamming the door open in her haste. "Yes, do you need something?"

Shinji laughed nervously, twiddling his fingers in embarrassment, "I don't mean to be a bother or anything, but uh, could I get some pants?"

...

Pieces clacked across the board; white bishops in the squares, the golden king across the lines between.

"Your son is awake, Ikari, aren't you going to see him?"

"Why, he's Katsuragi's problem now."

"He's your son, not hers."

"What's brought this on, Fuyutsuki? You hardly know him."

"I've known you and Yui since you were in college, and I think I know more about him than you do."

"If you want to be his father then you can invite him over for Christmas dinner." Gendo rose to leave, but thought of a parting jibe. "There was someone at Shinji's last school that he had his eye on; he was going to talk to her the day he received my message. And I believe that's checkmate as well."

"I hate you sometimes Gendo, I really do."

"Love you too darling."

...

Since, apparently, Shinji had not been allocated a housing unit for his stay in Tokyo-3 beforehand, he had been stuck in the hospital for the entire day even though he was perfectly fine. Because of this situation, he was allowed to wander the halls, provided he did not leave the Geofront or any place not under supervision by Section 2. Shinji was walking through the recovery ward in a pair of NERV approved hospital scrubs when he saw the pilot girl being wheeled into a private room and left there. He didn't have known what she liked, what she was like, or even if they would be decent friends; he did know that as her newest co-worker, the polite thing to do is to say hello.

The door was already wide open, but the girl (Rei, if he remembered correctly), wasn't looking attentively at the door, so he rapped his knuckles against it. Rei jerked her head around to look at him; she obviously hadn't been expecting visitors anytime soon. "Hi there. We met a couple days ago but it wasn't a good time to say hello; I'm Shinji Ikari, pleased to meet you." He extended his hand, but she didn't touch it. She stared at him with blank eyes. "I am Rei Ayanami, the First Child. I am told you defeated the Angel without any combat training."

"Apparently so, though my memory's a mess about what happened." Nodding in confirmation, Shinji pulled a chair over and sat down beside the bed.

"Pilot Ikari, I have witnessed your method of greeting occasionally, though I do not understand it." Rei looked at him oddly, so he had to assume this was her way of expressing curiosity. This confused Shinji, how could she not know what a hand shake was? Whilst it did explain why she had not acknowledged his hand moments earlier, he couldn't begin to explain such a thing to her, he's wasn't astoundingly knowledgeable in Western culture greetings. Clearing his throat, he thought for a moment, then began…

...

"I see. One can shake another's hand to show friendship, as a method of confirming agreements, to show deep intimacy and to settle past disagreements."

"That's the long and short of it, yes."

Rei seemed pleased with that, though no one would be able to tell, her facial muscles had not altered by even a single angstrom throughout the whole explanation. Shinji rose from his chair to moved closer to the bed. "Now that you've figured all that out, can I try introducing myself again?"

"Of course." Rei replied, adjusting her position in the bed to be sitting up straighter.

"Well then, I'm Shinji Ikari and I hope working with you is enjoyable."

"Likewise." Rei's right arm was very heavily bandaged, so she reached out with her left, meeting the back of his hand with her palm. Shinji should have insisted on several sessions of practice for her, because apparently their definitions of 'squeeze gently' were vastly dissimilar. It was just Shinji's luck, however, that the blonde doctor walked into the room right when Shinji was cradling his hand over his thigh, moaning "I said 'squeeze gently', not 'squeeze till it bleeds I like it rough'."

This was, according to the Universal Unintentional Lewd Comedy Engine, able to meet its conditions to transmute itself to a new plane of Lewd Comedy. The now Astral-Based Unintentional Lewd Comedy Engine conferred with its now subordinate brother Engine, the Universal Witty Response to Lewd Comedy Engine and agreed that this required a transcendental level of Witty Response as well.

"My oh my, Mr Ikari, young love already? Or maybe you just like talking dirty when I'm around." Shinji was, quite obviously, mortified, not from his most recent statement, but from what the doctor had said, he hadn't dreamt talking about blood and urine. Rei quickly came to his defense though, explaining about the handshaking, though Akagi didn't seem convinced. Convinced or not, she didn't seem to care terribly, she appeared to be there for Shinji, not Rei. Incidentally, the Witty Response was not Witty enough to be transcendent.

"We've cleared housing for you Shinji, Captain Katsuragi will pick you up once we've cleared you for employment here."

"Employment? What did I do to earn that?"

"Well first you have to kill an Angel with your bare hands, check, then we have to give you a prostate exam and castrate you." Shinji backed away into the corner of the room while Rei looked on impassively.

"You aren't a very professional doctor."

"And you are a very gullible saviour of the world; Katsuragi's in the waiting room already, get changed."

...

It took Shinji a full three minutes of getting changed and walking to the waiting room before he remembered exactly who Katsuragi was.

Shinji tiptoed the rest of the way in total silence.

It was to his surprise that not only was Katsuragi able to put the past behind her, the garishly red bomber jacket she wore was allowed uniform.

"Um, hello, I think I'm going with you to my housing placement." Shinji ventured, Please let her be an amnesiac of some description

"Technically I'm here to assess your mental and physical state as my new subordinate, but I'll drive you home since we're in the same apartment building." Katsuragi waved her hand distantly, apparently she was not able to put any of the past behind her; Shinji even thought it likely she held a grudge against a high school boyfriend, judging by her not-holding-a-grudge face.

To assess his physical wellness, Katsuragi arm-wrestled him. Four of five tries, he lost, the fifth was deemed non-applicable because Shinji's arm had slipped over the edge of the table.

Physical Wellness: unfit, should not affect piloting ability

"So, Pilot Ikari."

"Yes Captain Katsuragi?"

"Do you still wet the bed?" Katsuragi's sudden change of tack threw him off guard, though he hadn't really been on guard, having lost at arm-wrestling five times out of five

"I really don't see what this has to do with pi-"

"Answer the question."

"No I don't. Can we go now?"

"Not yet. Do you happen to leave any other fluids in bed when you wake up?"

"I'm still not seeing a connection to killing monsters here, Captain."

"Do you ever think of girls in a, different way? A certain way that has nothing to do with the subject you're discussing with them?" Katsuragi chose to emphasise these words by taking his hand in her own and tracing her other down the side of his face. Faced with this impossible onslaught, Shinji retreated into his oldest known bastion: everyone was intimidated by his father just as much as he was.

"If this continues I'll talk to my father about your misconduct!" The words didn't sound as impressive as they had in his head, coming out more rushed and high-pitched than he could have hoped, but he was praying to multiple gods, pantheons included, that this was all a terrible dream.

It wasn't.

"You're mentally fine for someone your age, though you could be more assertive." Katsuragi moved away from Shinji, defusing the situation offhandedly. "Now I won't attempt to molest you against your will, and you won't insinuate I'm screwing my superiors, deal?"

"Deal." Shinji meekly extended his hand to confirm the agreement, but Katsuragi grabbed it and dragged him toward the door, Shinji left stammering protestations beginning with "Wait Captain!". As she dragged him, Katsuragi kept talking without even looking in his direction. "You only need to call me Captain Katsuragi if you're making an official report or are under inquiry, so just call me Misato or something, 'kay?"

"Of course, Mrs Captain Misato or something." Now that molestation, one of Shinji's higher-ranking fears, was out of the picture, his subconscious decided it could be as passive-aggressive as it liked toward Misato. She turned to him with a look similar to the look she had before launching him on the rail system. Clenching his hand in a vice grip, she pulled him close, close enough that he felt her breathe misting over his corneas. "One: I am your superior, so no back talk. Two: I will personally choke the life out of the last fucking Angel with my bare fucking hands before I get married, so it is 'MISS Captain Misato or something' if anything, if you can still speak after I rip your trachea out through your kneecaps." She twisted Shinji's hand around as she pulled him along again, her face assuming a rictus grin, "Glad we sorted that out. I'd give you a tour of the base, but I get lost too easily, hope that's fine."

"That's quite alright, ma'am." An amount of whimpering could also be heard, but it was of no consequence.

...

"What the hell do you mean 'Commander Ikari was fine with it.'? He is fourteen years old and his own father doesn't care what happens to him? This is not the ideal situation for leaving a child in an apartment on their own for fuck sake!"

"It's quite alright, Miss Misato. If I get an allowance from NERV like she says then I can buy my own necessities and the-" Shinji began to protest this high level of care but was abruptly cut off.

"Grownups are talking, Shinji." Misato did not take her eyes away from the woman behind the desk to reprimand him, returning the woman's gaze steadily. The woman was doing quite well on her part, with the scandal-proof Umbrella of Secretary-ness(+5 to screwing the boss) and the steel backbone of a decade in middle management(+100 to all defense) lending her the power to withstand the Dire Misato's attacks(3d10+35 per attack per round).

"The Commander was not simply 'fine with it', he refused to have him on the grounds of being unable to support him while working. Now unless you're willing to force him on some unfortunate employee you can either leave him on his own or, God forbid, take him in yourself." And with that, the Secretary of Iron Will turned back to her terminal to plan her next opportunity to screw her boss. She had, inadvertently, given Misato an Idea. An Idea most terrible, most foul; an Idea so evil, it had the raw strength to destroy Sauron's ring and piss on the smoldering remains.

"Pilot Ikari, can you cook nutritious meals?" Misato asked

"I guess so." Shinji responded

"Can you clean?"

"I suppose I can."

"Wonderful. Secretary woman!"

"Ignoring the fact that I heard all of that; what new horror shall you inflict upon my department now?" For someone who is in the business of saving the world(by proxy), the Secretary of Iron Will was surprisingly jaded to violent outbursts.

"Third Child Shinji Ikari will be staying with me until further notice pending approval by Dr Akagi."

The Secretary turned to Shinji with a bored look. "Commiserations young man," then turning to Misato: "Shall I call the good doctor for you?"

"Just hand me a phone and I'll set that part up myself."

Shinji didn't understand how Misato could think that quickly, though he was able to think of some questions he needed answers to:

1:If he was the Third Child, who was the second?

2:Why had his father refused him, after needing him here so desperately?

And

3:What qualifications, bar a womb does Misato Katsuragi have for being his guardian?

And another thought, not a question:

Oh fuck, Misato is going to be his guardian.