I guess... I'm a stalker.
Yeah, that would be an apt description. It would explain what the fuck it is I'm doing right now. Watching him... again. This is like, the millionth time I've done this.
I wonder if he knows that I follow him here and watch, and listen, to what he's doing up there, on that stage, dressed like someone completely different from the person he p'tends to be? I wonder if he ever thought about it. I wonder how he'd take it if I told him that there are people in his other life that don't care that he has, like, twelve piercings, likes to wear black make up, and sings his heart out weekly.
Kunsel's known he was a fag for years, and keeps trying to get me to give him pictures of him and his guy making out so that he can sell them to the all of the almighty fans.
I wonder if he knows that I heard Johnny say that if he'd ever go gay, it'd be for the almighty. Which is the total flamer currently singing on stage. Which is the guy who had a crush on Johnny for five years before he fell in love with Reno, a bitchy redhead who hides behind nerd glasses and textbooks during the school day, and then puts on black make up and tight, tight, dear god are his balls okay?, jeans and parties like the life loving fag he is after he's assured his parents that yes, his grades are the best in school, and no I, the second smartest guy in the school, didn't beat him out of the number one class rank.
"I hope he's leaving you empty, baby, because this is just a fix, for such a simple, little, whore."
He sings that line better than the guy who actually wrote the song. It's probably the totally gay way he sings it that adds to the appeal. Nah, it's just his voice. I mean Mayday is pretty awesome, but he, he's so much better than awesome.
Which is why I'm here, following him around like a little puppy, wondering if I should just yell at him to get the fuck out of the closet and make out with his guy, Reno, on the front steps of the school after he ensures our homecoming victory. Which is what Reno said he'd have to do if he still wanted Reno to be his guy.
He's so fucking amazing. I mean, musical genius amazing. It's genetic he says, which is why he doesn't like it, his grandparents were virtuoso, and his ma was almost famous. When he was younger, and his grandparents were, like, still alive and kicking, they taught him how to play the piano, and then, when it was obvious he'd master it in three years, they taught him the violin, and then the guitar, and then voice lessons, and then bass, which he says is his true love in disguise, and then cello, and the list goes on, and on, and on. He says, that because those things come so naturally to him (like practicing fourteen hours a day means something comes naturally) he'd rather do something that takes real hard work.
Like football.
Bullshit.
He just likes having an excuse to stare at a guy's ass and not feel like he's devilspawn. He just likes running, as fast as he can, from point A to point B. He likes the attention, because sports definitely doesn't attract negative attention. No one will make fun of him for running in five touch downs in one quarter, but they will make fun of him for singing five songs perfectly, not a single crack in his voice, and living like there's no tomorrow. He likes the stress relief, and the release of all the anger he has pent up inside, because being a nice guy is really damn aggravating, and he's gotta let out all that steam somehow.
He's stupid for being afraid of them. It's not like they'll kill him, nowadays people don't hate gays that much. There are laws against hate crime protecting him from getting his ass fried on the stake.
I mean yeah, most of the people in his other life are a bunch of stupid, cruel, jocks who would call him a fag and make fun of him tirelessly, that is, until they realized that without him the team would be fucked. He's their star running back. He's the only reason the team's gotten anywhere this season, and he's the only reason the team got anywhere last season. Like seriously, our football team sucks, and without him, the almighty, we'd be D E A D.
Yeah, they'd get over it pretty quick. Actually I'm pretty damn certain that he could walk up to them, plop a giant kiss on their lips, with tongue, and scream "I'M GAY, YOU FUCKER!" and they'd be a-okay with it. Fuck, the idiots would probably laugh and think it a joke.
It's not a joke. He is gay, and it's obvious he's dying inside because of it.
His dad's an ass. The worst drunk in town, the laughing stock, the violent douche bag that sends his wife to the hospital at least two times a month. And he can't do anything about it but take her there, and pay for the health care, and work his ass off trying to make life better for her, and his two little brothers, and his little sister, and his little cousin who has to stay with them because as bad as his dad is, his dad's brother is a thousand times worse.
His ma is beautiful, or at least she was, before she wasted away and decided she didn't care anymore, because what's the point in caring, what's the point in trying, if that violent ass hole is going to ruin all of her hard work, and her kids are gonna starve anyways?
He used to stay at his teammates' houses all the time. He used to suck it up to the moms and play up the cute factor. You know puberty. Which was hell for him, more so than it is for any normal, straight boy, because he had to go to the lockers, and change next to the cutest guy in the grade, and take showers, and not get hard looking at Rico, or Carter, or me. He managed it for a long time, staying at his pals houses, and pretending his home life didn't suck ass. He liked it too, that is, until that one night when he and Johnny were changing and he looked at Johnny a little too closely and his body reacted a little too readily.
Yeah, nowadays he just stays at my place. He practically lives with me and my ma. Only because I've known him since we were, like, three.
You know? He ran to my house and freaked out about it to me, that time with Johnny. He cried and everything, "Ohmygawd, Cloud, I'm gay! I got hard looking at Johnny's ass! Fuck, help! WhatamIgonnado?"
Most people assume he's the one always protecting me, I mean, he is, pretty much, a thousand times bigger than me, and I am, like, really fucking wimpy, sorry, but y'know, can't help being born with leukemia, now, can I? But it's always the other way around. I mean, yeah, I can't cook for my life and he makes my food, and I can't wake up in the morning, or pretend I don't hate the world, and yeah he does those things for me, but he is totally hopeless emotionally.
I know, my ma's his psychiatrist and she's had him on antidepressants for years.
I'm always the one helping him out when he has his breakdowns. I'm the one who told him that, yes, if he got a piercing during the summer he'd be able to hide it during the school year. I'm the one that convinced him not to get Johnny's name tattooed on his ass that one night he got drunk off his ass and decided that he'd finally confess to Johnny.
Worst idea he ever had by the way, Johnny would have killed him, he's the biggest homophobe in the grade.
Zack is the only homo stupid enough to fall for a phobe.
He is such a girl. A big, giant, butt fucking ugly woman.
Okay, maybe he's not ugly.
Okay, maybe he's fucking gorgeous.
But I'm not like him, I'm not gay. I'm in love with a girl, the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet, at least, I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. He goes on and on about how ugly she is. That is, when we're alone and he can be his so totally blatantly gay self.
I mean can he really honestly say Tifa's ugly? Every guy on the god damn planet has it for her, and somehow, I'm the one she chose. He's never liked her, but Gaia, I love that girl. She's amazing, she's everything I need.
Which makes me wonder why the hell I'm looking at him like this. It's easy to say he's beautiful. He's what you'd call a pretty boy. He's got blue eyes. He's got girly features and full lips, Gaia, his lips are fucking amazing.
I think his lips are why I've been dreaming about him.
I think I've been avoiding him because I've been dreaming about him.
I think I've been stalking him because I've been avoiding him.
I think I'm in love with my best friend, who is a closeted gay, who hates my girlfriend and is in love with my other best friend, who secretly hates my guts.
Well, not so secretly, Reno told me exactly what he thought of me yesterday when he found me in Zack's lap, which was a total accident. I tripped goddamnit.
But the fact that I tripped doesn't excuse the fact that Zack stuck his tongue in my mouth, and it definitely doesn't excuse the fact that I liked it, and oh my god, I'm in love with two totally different people who are two different genders.
The fact that Tifa's a girl should make it a no brainer. Her boobs make everything a no brainer.
The fact that Zack has a dick is kind of, no, a lot, repulsive. But I've been dreaming about his mouth anyways, and his mouth was on mine yesterday, and now I'm watching him, again.
I think I'm a stalker.