Chapter I. Alec
There are many reasons for him to leave. To leave and never look back. Sometimes Alec wonders why he is staying anyway, but the fact is he is staying.
Life in Manticore was easier somehow; he didn't need to think about why. He just had to follow orders and to keep his head under the radar that was all. It wasn't pretty, but it was easier in some sick way.
Now he has to pretend too. He has to pretend that he is a regular, all of them have to, and the paranoid about Transgenics that has appeared lately doesn't help much, but he is used to playing that game, to become someone he really isn't, fake name, fake identity, fake background…
He has to pretend that nothing affects him, and that isn't new either. The charade is too familiar to him already. He is not sure if the poker-face he wears has become part of him by now. Somehow it is easier too, to be always alright in front of everybody, everyone but himself. That means no questions, no sharing, no nothing. It means that he's left alone, which is quite ok with him. He is a soldier, a survivor, has learned the hard way to take care of himself, to keep running, to fight, to never give up…. And he knows that if he stops to think, to really think about it, he won't be able to start again.
So he keeps going. Living in the moment. Keeping that poker-face on. Not letting himself think or feel too much, because that would be dangerous.
But sometimes, just sometimes, while lying on his bed in the dark, he can't help but wonder…. How it would be to have real friends, to be able to connect with somebody and not just use them, how it would be to feel accepted for who he really is.
He has tried to bury those thoughts, those ghosts of desires, as deep inside as he could. He hasn't any other option, couldn't do anything else. So he keeps pretending.
AN: I would like to thank my wonderful beta FirstBorn for her titanic work with this story. Any remainding mistake is all mine.