Hello everyone.
It has been a long time since I've actually written anything for this site. My apologies. I actually have everything planned out for Desperation and I should update it as soon as my lovely beta-reader MangoSorbet returns to my side.
This is my first Hetalia fic so please be kind…
This is based on Christine Lavin's song/play Shopping Cart of Love: The Play.
GENDER BEND
Audriana A.K.A. Dri = America
Ivan = Russia
Fausta = North Italy
Francis = France
Arabella = England
Ludwig = Germany
In Audriana's point of view!
Please enjoy!
Disclaimer: Hetalia and Christine Lavin's genius aren't mine… Yet… MWAHAHAHAHA! (Four Weddings totally doesn't belong to me either but damn is it fun to watch).
5:30AM
"Shut the fuck up," I mumbled as I buried my face into my pillow.
Some jack ass' car alarm was going off and the owner had yet to notice. It was five fucking thirty in the morning and the bastard didn't have the decency to turn the damned thing off. When it first went off I got really excited. I rushed to the window, ready to go all hero over someone's ass when I noticed that there was nothing near the car. The alarm went off for no reason. No reason what so ever. Grumbling I went back to bed and so far had no success falling back to sleep.
After a half an hour of listening to it switch from different car alarms, to get the attention of its owner, I was tempted to give it a reason to be blaring. Instead I decided that I'd just get up early for work. The car alarm was ever so kindly keeping me from going back to sleep. So I put my feet on the cold floor and padded down the hallway to the bathroom. As I walked into the bathroom I heard a squeal. I focused my eyes on my roommate who happened to be in the bathroom when I barged in.
"Oh! Sorry!" I said quickly as I was about to shut the door until I noticed what Fausta was doing.
I stopped and opened the door wider. There she was. My roommate of four years sitting on top of the toilet fully clothed mind you, filling my Vidal Sassoon Shampoo bottle with her cheaper, weaker brand of Suave. Fausta was looking like a deer caught in the head lights.
"D-Dri Ve~ W-wha- I-I I'M SO SORRY!" Fausta screamed before she burst into tears.
Immediately my face softened as I walked over to my crying roommate. I gently ruffled her still damp hair and sighed.
"It's all right Fausta. It's okay," I cooed while wiping away some of her tears.
My roommate got emotional way too easily but that's what attracted me to her in the first place. My hero senses just went crazy whenever I was around her and I couldn't help feel very protective of my little friend.
"If you had wanted to use my shampoo that badly all you had to do was ask," I said while taking the bottles out of her hands.
She looked up at me with her big brown eyes, "R-Really?"
"Really. A hero would never let her own friends suffer from damaged hair!" I said dramatically while striking a pose.
Instead of Fausta giggling, like she usually did she just looked at the floor in guilt. I didn't know what I was doing wrong so I leaned in for a hug.
"It's really okay you know. I was a little frustrated at first but I'm fine now. No more secrets like that okay?" I whispered with what I hoped was a comforting smile.
It was then that Fausta burst into tears and ran out of the room. I followed her to her room but after five minutes of unsuccessfully trying to coax her out into the open I gave up and walked to the kitchen for something to eat. I decided to use the bathroom later after I fixed something for breakfast.
Deciding that toast and eggs would make this morning turn around for the better I started to prepare my breakfast. When I opened the fridge to look inside I immediately grabbed the eggs and was about to hum a happy tune when I read the cartridge. They expired. Last week. Dammit.
That didn't totally dampen my mood… I sighed again and decided that I at least had toast. So I hastily pulled some bread from the bag and put it in the toaster as I rushed off to the bathroom. After I was done freshening up I went back to my toast and took a big bite.
I then proceeded to spit out the moldy toast. "Ew! Disgusting!" I blabbed as I scratched my tongue. I ran back to the bathroom to scrub my mouth clean. Today was starting out real shitty.
::*.*.*.*::
After finding nothing but a spotty apple to eat for breakfast I went to get dressed only to realize that I didn't wash the outfit I prepared for the day. Cursing silently underneath my breath I put something decent on and did my hair. Thankfully I had short hair so it didn't take long to curl it and style it. On my way out the door I checked on Fausta one last time.
"Fausta?" I asked as I gently knocked on the door. When I didn't get a response I sighed. "Well I'm leaving. I'll be back in a little while," I said before turning to leave. Suddenly I remembered something, "Oh! And Francis is coming over while I'm at work so could you let him in please! I think we're gonna discuss Honeymoon plans!" I said excitedly.
Then I turned to go out the door but I swore that I heard a loud sob come from Fausta's room. I soon forgot about it as I was hit with torrential down pour. While holding my briefcase over my head I ran to my car. I reached into my pocket to get my keys out but I couldn't seem to find them. They weren't in my pockets or in my briefcase so I ran back to the apartment but I couldn't find them there either. By this time I was getting close to being late for work.
"Screw it. I'm taking the subway," I grumbled as I ran across the road and down the street.
On my way to the subway I kicked the car that woke me up, giving me some satisfaction. As I walked down the steps to the subway a vendor was selling umbrellas, something I desperately needed. It troubled me that I had no clue where my American flag umbrella was at the moment. I looked in the apartment while I was looking for my keys but today was not my day.
"How much for an umbrella?" I asked the vendor as I walked down the stairs.
He looked up at me with a creepy smile and said, "30 dollars."
"That's highway robbery," I growled.
He just shrugged and began to ignore me. The bastard. If I wasn't a hero I would just take an umbrella thirty dollars be damned. I got out my wallet with a huff and handed him 30 bucks. He quickly took the money while handing me a pink umbrella. I took it and opened it out of curiosity.
Due to my luck that day a sudden wind blew and my umbrella instantly broke. I looked at the piece of junk in shock and horror while the vendor grabbed his shit and ran down the stairs.
I yelled after him. I wanted my money back dammit! So I chased him into the subway and near the tracks but one of my high heels broke. With a loud crash I fell to the ground and the villain got away.
Grumbling and limping I stood up to see that the doors to my train were closing. I hauled my wobbly ass over to the doors just as they closed. I banged on the window as the train began to move down the track. I wanted to scream in frustration.
What. The. Hell. "Is God mad at me or something?" I screamed as I stood up. I hobbled over to a pillar to lean on as I caught my breath. By now everyone was looking at me but I really didn't care. Everything was going wrong today! What was the deal?
By the time the other train came around I was late for work. As soon as I walked in my boss jumped me. He took one look at my appearance and decided that I obviously didn't cherish my job enough so I shouldn't come back.
I lost my job. I was woken up by a car alarm. I was cheated thirty dollars. I was soaked to the bone. Yet I had no plans of throwing myself off of a bridge because of one person and that person is Francis.
Francis was my gorgeous French fiancé. My goodness is he gorgeous. He's blonde like me but a little lighter color and his hair is just so perfectly wavy. We've been engaged for a while now and with each passing day he more and more nervous, I think it's cute.
So when he told me that he had something very very important to discuss with me today I was really excited. He obviously wanted to discuss Honeymoon plans! It seems strange but we haven't even talked about Honeymoon plans yet.
I've always wanted to go to one of those places like in the movie Dirty Dancing. You know the hotel/camping type feel where there are activities all of the time and people spend time with others. It sounds like so much fun! I love meeting new people. Of course, I haven't told this to Francis yet but hopefully he'll agree with me.
With a little more cheer in my step I walked into the apartment. The door was unlocked, which made me worry. 'I need to tell Fausta to lock that,' I thought as I entered my apartment.
"I'm home! Francis!" I yelled as I looked around the apartment for any sign of him. I called out Fausta's name too but no one answered me.
The apartment seemed different somehow. Something was off but I didn't get to investigate since I noticed a note on the refrigerator door. It was stuck up with a Heart shaped magnet.
"He must have left me a note," I mumbled as I walked over to it. I moved the magnet off the note before grabbing it and began to read.
"Darling I hate to tell you this way but I've run off with your roommate. Signed, Your Fiancé."
I sat down and cried. What else could I do? That's when I noticed that my car keys were still missing, and so was my favorite sweater, and my TV and my stereo!
How could Fausta do that to me? Is that why she was crying this morning, because she felt guilty? Well, she wasn't going to get any sympathy from me!
I stood up and yelled, "Damn both of you! How could you? How cou-" I fell back down into the chair and cried some more.
Then I realized something and I rushed through the apartment. Fausta's room was empty completely. The bathroom was stripped clean as if only I live here. I picked up my Vidal Sassoon shampoo bottle and threw it against the wall. Suave squirted everywhere but I didn't care.
I was going to check my room to see if everything was intact there but my stomach growled. Great. I was so tired and emotionally stressed from the day and now I was hungry. I walked into the kitchen to check the cupboards only to find that Fausta took all of the tasty Italian food with her.
"What am I supposed to eat?" I cried, "Who am I supposed to trust now? What am I supposed to do?" My whole life crumbled before my eyes. Where was I to go?
Hello Avita reference.
Anyways.
Today sucked. Sucked balls.
I ran to the Supermarket in a blinding rage craving foods I have not touched since I was twelve years of age. 'Cuz not only did my man run out today my boss let me go. I have been depressed before but never quite this low. Yes, I guess, I've been depressed but ever this low? NO!
And I ran up and down the aisles of the supermarket crying and shaking and pulling things off the shelves based solely on their carbohydrate, calorie, and cholesterol count. I didn't go overboard. Just enough to get me through the night.
While I was running all I could think about was how Francis left me and how Fausta betrayed me. My job I could get over. Hell, everything else was just a bad day but my closest friends? How could they do that!
What was even more was that I was scared. Fausta, my best friend, ran off with Francis, my fiancé, and I'd already forgiven them. Love was something so precious but they could have told me! A hero never stands in the way of love!
Sure I had loved Francis but it had taken a drunken night of nagging to get him to finally propose to me. Why have I already forgiven them? Why do I feel relieved and betrayed at the same exact time?
After scourging the store I finally decided on what I wanted. Usually I would get hamburgers and call it a night but tonight was special. Tonight was the end of the shittiest day of my life and my fucking confusing feelings.
So I threw my purchases down on the conveyer belt. They rolled up to the checkout girl who had really thick eyebrows. I mean they were caterpillars, hell if I was in a better peace of mind then I would have laughed. I looked at her name tag, which said "Arabella". Pretty name. Be that as it may I just waited to get everything scanned and paid for so I could wallow in self-pity back at the apartment.
She looked at them. She looked at me and she said, "Hey Lady can't you read? The sign here says express. I'll check you out if you have got ten items or less. But you've got 2 4 6 8 9 10 11 12 13 things right here. If you want me to check you through put three things back my dear."
"NO!" I said defiantly trying not to shake. This day would not get worse I refused. Who cared if I was three over the limit? She just sighed and shook her head as if I was being the unreasonable one!
Then she said "Sweetheart, you don't need those Hostess Twinkies, you don't need that Coffee Cake, and why those Famous Amos cookies, let me tell you they're grossly overpriced. Put three things back, those are the rules I'm asking you real nice."
I closed my eyes and shook my head like I used to when I was five and I wasn't liking what my mom was saying to me.
But I just couldn't so she said, "Ok well then, put back those Frozen Pizza's or that box of Pudding on a Stick. Why just looking at all these calories makes my stomach want to flip."
But I refused to back down. She refused to check me through. This was just utterly ridiculous! All I had were three extra items! THREE. The line behind me was growing longer and angrier too. I looked behind me to see that the line behind me was growing longer. There was pushing and shoving and cursing and swearing too.
"Look I'm not trying to make trouble," I said to her, "But I'm having the worse kind of day. See today I lost my job, my car, my TV, my stereo, my favorite sweater, my roommate, not to mention my Fiancé."
But she shook her head and shouted, "Three things have GOT TO GO - Those are the rules!"
"Oh please please please!" I begged. I just wanted to go home and cry! God lady!
She bellowed "NO!" Her eyebrows knitted together in frustration, making it look like a huge Uno brow.
"Please please please please please please please," I begged. I was gripping the edge of the conveyor belt now. Today wasn't ever going to end.
But she said "NO". Again.
And I could tell that she was enjoying the power trip of it all. Because then all the cashiers, in solidarity, shut down. The sudden empty silence was an eerie spooky sound. And all the customers started screaming, especially those with frozen foods. The manager came running, he was in an ugly mood. Yes, the manager came running. He was ugly (nothing compared to…). So was his mood.
Well now, I tried explaining to him my situation about my job, my Fiancé, and my car but he didn't give me half a chance he just said, "Who the hell do you think you are? My whole store is paralyzed all on account of YOU. Now Manhattan is going hungry because you won't follow rules. Yes, Manhattan is going to starve tonight because of stupid, selfish, solipsistic you." He pointed at me threateningly.
I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know why he was using such a big word on me but (I was later informed) it was because he really hated his job as Store Manager. He would just sit in the back room every day, reading the dictionary and then taking the "It pays to increase your word power" test in Readers Digest Magazine. (I know it sounds pointless but that's what I was told by his wife).
Well, I know by now I must have looked pitiful, tears were streaming down my face. He wasn't moved. He didn't think mine was a special case. So he grabbed me and he dragged me, as I was sobbing, toward the door.
When a soft voice whispered, "I've got seven items, I'll take three of yours. Da?"
It seemed like everything in the world stopped. I turned and I looked at the handsomest man I've ever seen. His hair was bleach blonde with a soft angelic glow. His clothing was a stylish tan over coat and a beautiful, what looked to be, homemade scarf. And his eyes. Oh my goodness his eyes were the deepest lavender that I have ever seen.
His smile was so soft that my tears stopped instantly. I was captivated.
Well the checkout girl was furious but what else could she do? Seven plus three is ten and wasn't that the magical number? She checked both our items, just to make sure that we each had ten. She checked out all of them.
He even paid for mine too and then he said, "Let me carry them for you."
As a hero I should have refused but then if I did then he couldn't be a hero and that wouldn't have been very heroic of me would it? Did that even make any sense? In the end I compromised and let him take all of the heavy items.
I haven't blushed that much in a while. He was just so nice and so handsome. As we walked back to my apartment we had the strangest conversations. I found out that he takes the same train as I used to when going to work and that he actually lived nearby. It's so odd that I've never run into him before.
Oh! And his name is Ivan! He's from Russia originally, which explains his thick accent. Apparently he works at an office for kitchen supplies. We went on for five minutes or more about lead pipes!
It kinda went like this:
"Oh so you work with kitchen supplies? Like knives and stuff?" I asked as we walked down the street. (As slowly as possible).
"Da, but we also deal with the plumbing and electronics for the kitchen," he said with a small smile.
"Nice. Versatility is key to survival," I said as I scratched my chin in contemplation, "So what's your favorite product?"
This is when I noticed for the first time that when he was nervous about something Ivan would lower himself into his scarf more so that only the top half of his face could be seen. It's absolutely adorable.
He did the hiding thing as he mumbled, "Lead pipes, I like lead pipes…" His gaze turned away like he was ready from something, maybe an insult or two.
However, I just smiled and lightly bumped into him. "Cool! What kind of lead pipes?"
I guess this surprised him because he looked at me in shock for a couple of seconds before that dazzling smile came back.
From there we just talked about what we liked. I mentioned my love of hamburgers and he was the first person that I've met that didn't laugh or scowl at my taste in food. And that's when I knew I could love him.
We carried the groceries up to my apartment. For a few seconds I was nervous about letting him into my apartment. I hadn't cleaned for a while and Fausta only used to do cooking.
I stopped at the door with my key out. Fausta. Francis. I'd totally forgotten. Mechanically I opened the door and walked in, while still in shock. Ivan followed me in but my mind was preoccupied.
I was brought back to earth when I saw Ivan step in front of me with the groceries. He put them down on my dining room table (well he put them down on the ironing board that I used as my dining room table).
He looked at my groceries and then he looked at the dishes in my sink that haven't moved in a year, and then he looked at the roach motel that moving all by itself. Then he looked at me and he said, "You look like the kind of woman who shouldn't be having dinner by herself tonight. Da?"
Which I think was his way of saying in a really sweet way, 'You can't cook can you?'
And then he said "Please, allow me to take you out for dinner tonight. I would like to take you out to my favorite restaurant, the Quilted Giraffe."
And I thought to myself, 'Quilted Giraffe! That's the most expensive restaurant in all of New York City! I read about that small fabulous place.' My mind wandered a little bit before coming back to the pressing matter at hand.
So I said to him, "Why would you take me there? You don't even know me. And I'm- Like, I'm having the worst day of my whole entire life!"
He smiled a little forlornly but still had this certain twinkle in his eyes as he said, "Well I too am having a bad day and I must do something to cheer myself up. You see, today I was fired my job, my car was stolen, and when I came home from work, I found a note stuck to my refrigerator, with a heart shaped magnet, from my Fiancée, saying she had run off with somebody else!"
My eyes widened and I put my hand over my chest in shock as I said "Are you kidding? The same thing happened to me!"
And he said, "Yes - I'm kidding!"
I am so gullible it makes me so mad sometimes... I guess the heart shaped magnet should've been a clue.
But he just looked at me with the most playful smirk and I had to burst into laughter. I grabbed onto his arm for support as I bent over in a fit of giggles. I really was gullible wasn't I?
Anyway, he made me laugh for the first time that whole terrible day. So I thought, 'Okay - I'll go out and have dinner with him. I'll eat that food I can't pronounce. I'll drink that expensive wine that comes in a bottle and has a cork in it. I'm going to do these things.'
I looked up at him with my best hero smile and said, "I think I'll take you up on that offer."
"Good," Ivan said before bowing his head and turning towards my apartment door, "I shall see you at seven then." On a second thought he turned back to me and grabbed my hand. Instead of kissing it like I thought he would he just gently held it and bowed. "Until then."
And with that he walked out the door.
Oh my goodness I had to grab a kitchen chair from fear of falling over. For some reason if this crappy day meant that I could spend a dinner with Ivan then I wouldn't mind.
Let me tell you, it was an incredible meal. It was the kind of meal you read about in Cosmopolitan Magazine. And it totally totally changed my life. Though, some things are still the same...
I still do my grocery shopping in that same grocery store but you won't find me standing in the express line anymore. Because I no longer shop for one I shop for two you see and today my doctor tells me I'm shopping for three. Yes, today I get the good word that I'm shopping for three.
And of course you ask, "Um... Where are the other couples?"
I answer: "They're in chapter three. This is a Four chapter deal! WHOO!"
The second chapter should come out shortly and it will be Ivan's point of view. More Fluff in that chapter. :D
Thanks for reading!