Summary: In English class, Eli and Clare get an assignment to write a modern-day sonnet. Will Eli's poem force a conversation between them or leave them more broken than before?
*Inspiration for this little story came from 10 Things I Hate About You. I cannot write poetry very well at all, sorry.
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or 10 Things I Hate About You.
Hate is a Strong Word
English class had been brutal enough without Miss Dawes giving them tons of homework. Normally Eli would have welcomed all the writing opportunities, but he was already swamped with the play and trying to avoid a certain curly-haired drama queen that he was feeling stressed. They had just turned in yet another essay when Ms. Dawes' announced,
"Class, you will all be writing your own modern-day sonnet to pair with our Shakespeare unit, for he was the master of sonnets."
A collective groan was heard from the class until a soft female voice rang out, "Does it have to be in iambic pentameter?" Eli cringed slightly at hearing her voice, but he had been doing better with his anxiety.
"Not necessarily, but always strive for it!" Miss Dawes replied before moving on swiftly to the next order of business. But Eli wasn't listening anymore, he was busy thinking of what type of sonnet he would write.
While letting his thoughts wander, his eyes landed on the wavy auburn locks in front of him. He was suddenly pestered with images of the last few months flooding his mind. He recalled their first kiss for another English project while feeling a pang in his chest. He remembered laying with her in his arms on a hammock under a perfect night sky. But as he smirked slightly at the happy memories, the horrible ones swam to the surface of his memory.
He closed his eyes as he heard her voice calling him a heartless monster while standing with Fitz. He flinched as he recalled their phone call before he crashed his hearse in which she said they weren't meant to be together. He recalled her screaming that he was manipulative and walking out of the hospital, leaving him in the bed, alone.
Soon, his eyes flashed open and he picked up his pen to write down a jumble of thoughts. All the while, Eli kept remembering. His whole relationship with Clare which he had stored in a vault in his mind was being shot back through his memory, forcing him to think about everything that had happened. He suddenly felt his anxiety grow stronger, but he ignored the urge to take a pill and focused on the word jumble on the page and his thoughts.
He thought about seeing Clare with her new perfect boyfriend in the halls. This recent memory brought upon the distant one of them declaring the beginning of their relationship at their lockers with the words "Twist my rubber arm, girlfriend."
He thought of all the broken promises that they had both made. But Eli realized he still couldn't hate her, despite all she put him through. This thought brought a different memory to mind for Eli. Not one in which Clare hurt him, but one in which he left Clare upset. In it, he told Clare about his play about their failed relationship while she sat with a recorder and a notebook for her newspaper interview. She looked incredulous as he explained Vegas Night from his slightly skewed point of view. And when she told him he needed professional help, he declared the farthest thing from the truth, but the only thing that seemed fitting for the time: "I don't love you anymore, Clare. I'm free." But he didn't hate Clare Edwards, and that thought halted his writing.
The next day in class, Miss Dawes asked for volunteers to recite their poems. Everyone looked around the room, hoping someone would volunteer. Eli stared hard at the back of Clare's head hoping that he wouldn't have to read the only poem in which he actually told the truth about his feelings. He didn't want to confess. He wanted to remain in his blissful numbness. But when Miss Dawes asked him to recite his poem out loud he couldn't refuse. Because he realized that unless he did this- spoke his poem out loud- he couldn't admit the truth to himself. So he found himself getting out of his desk and embarking to the front of the classroom. He slowly took a deep breath and focused his eyes on the paper, beginning to read:
"I hate the way your curls fall,
And I hate your big blue eyes,
I hate how you smile so bright
And attract all the guys."
Eli paused to take another breath and calm myself down before he continued:
"I hate the way you dance around,
I hate your denim jackets,
And I hate your stupid rebound.
I hate the moments when I catch your stare,
I hate when I remember us,
And how you just left me there."
As Eli said this, he dared to look at her face, hoping she would realize what he meant by "there." By the look on her face, she did. He tore his eyes away from her sad face quickly and continued reading, his voice quiet but audible in the unusually quiet classroom:
"And I hate how it's ripping me apart,
Because I know you're better off,
And I hate how all this anxiety makes me feel so small."
He decided to be daring for the last of the poem as he locked eyes with the girl he loved with everything in him and recited that last part from memory,
"But mostly I hate the way that I don't hate you-
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all..."
Eli could feel the tears brimming up in my eyes as he looked at Clare's tear-stained cheeks. He moved his gaze from her to Miss Dawes' face, who looked between Clare and Eli. The rest of the class seemed to be doing the same. The silence was much too overwhelming for him, so he stalked out of the classroom with purpose as Miss Dawes called out his name behind his retreating form.
Eli slid down against his locker and pressed his palms to his eye sockets as he willed himself not to cry.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming closer to him. Eli looked up, assuming it was Adam, but was shocked to see the one girl who knew exactly what he was talking about in that poem. Because it was about her. Everything was about her. Even now. And it was this sudden realization that made him realize why being with him was so scary for her. Why she felt so suffocated.
"I'm sorry," she squeaked, still crying quietly.
Eli got up quickly and said, "Me too. I never should have put you through that." For the first time since the breakup, they were finally having an honest conversation.
"Oh Eli, it isn't all your fault," Clare said.
"And it's not yours either Clare," Eli started. Clare tried to interrupt but he held his hand up to continue, "You're fifteen and you're going through your parent's divorce. I shouldn't have scared you like that. I can't depend on you for everything. I have to learn to be my own hero too you know."
Clare just cried and gave him a small, sad smile in response. It was a moment before she spoke again. "I care Eli, I really do. It's just so hard."
"Tell me what you're feeling Clare," Eli said, placing his hand under her chin so she would look at him.
"I still love you Eli," Clare breathed, "But I'm so scared you're going to do something reckless again. You could have died Eli."
"Shhh…shh….I know, I'm sorry," Eli said, pulling Clare into a hug, and trying to calm her down.
"I don't hate you Eli, I just want to be with you, but I don't know how anymore. Everything's so broken…" Clare explained after a minute as Eli rubbed her back softly.
"I know Clare. And I want to be with you too, I love you. So I think we should fix this."
"How?" Clare squeaked from Eli's chest.
"We're going to work at it, day by day. We can start by building a friendship. We were friends first anyway right?" Eli paused before pulling away from the hug and looking into her eyes, "And I need to fix me. Get some help so that I can be the guy you fell in love with in the first place."
"Do you really think it's going to work?" Clare asked.
"I think if we try, it will," Eli smiled at her before Clare initiated another hug and her crying subsided.
Eli and Clare decided to head back to class after the both looked presentable and started walking in silence.
"Hey Eli?" Clare said breaking the comfortable silence between two reunited friends.
"Yeah?"
"I hate my rebound too, just so you know."
Eli simply smirked and bumped Clare into the doorframe on their way back into English class. Clare stood dumbfounded for a second before returning to her seat to see a smug smile on Eli's face. She playfully glared before turning around but neither could fight the small smiles that appeared on their lips at the realization that they were back on the track to being happy again. Together.