Hello, I am the laziest person IN THE WORLD. Very, very sorry to anyone who wanted to read more of my junk and laugh at it. Disclaimer; although my birthday is right around the corner, I really don't think I'll be getting ownership of Heroes of Olympus anytime soon. So yeah, I don't own the characters, EXCEPT Joey Slater, who is my own personal invention. If you don't like her, please tell me, and I will get rid of her and give her lines to other people.

CHAPTER I: JOEY

Why were there so many trees in the Berkeley Hills? Actually – why were there so many trees with attitude problems in the Berkeley Hills? After going on a week-long hike with some homeless fauns to help some dryads who, surprise, surprise, did not ask for said fauns' help, Joey was ready to call it quits and dive into one of the annoying little ponds that were big enough to fall into, but not so big as your head wouldn't hit the bottom when you fell.

The fauns weren't any help either. Moe, Po, and Lo were the most annoying fauns Joey had ever met. Moe spent most of his time wiggling his eyebrows at passing nymphs and asking them "whether they got some dough for the Moe, hehe". Po was a bit of a cry-baby, constantly falling over things. Lo, one of the only female fauns at camp, had made it her personal mission to tell Joey allabout the pains of being homeless, and how letting Lo have all Joey's possessions would make everyone's life so much better. It did not help at all that none of the fauns could get Joey's name right.

"So reeeaaally, Jessica, you don't neeeeed any of the denarii you have. It's better for aaaaaaaaall of us that yooooooooou give it all to meeeeeeee, yer know?" Lo finished her monologue, trotting to keep up with Joey, who was almost jogging to get away from the fauns.

Moe turned from the grass nymph who was walking (if you could call it that) beside him. "Yeah, ah, um… Jamie? Yeah, you can give summa dat denarii ta me, too."

Po caught up with them, falling over a tree stump. "Oh, uh, ah, if you're giving away stuff, I'll have it. I like free stuff."

Doe then ran into a tree, just as Joey reached the top of a hill, and so could see Camp Jupiter. It was early afternoon.

But there was something wrong.

The Field of Mars looked like it had been trashed. Half the Hippodrome had caved in, and everywhere there were signs of ruin. It was like some crazy giant had used Camp Jupiter for a rain-dance or something.

And to top it all off, in the distance, there was a giant boat flying through the air towards New Rome. Someone on board was trying to launch a white sail, or that's what it looked like. Whatever that thing was, it could not be good.

Joey stopped suddenly and Doe crashed into her, knocking them both down. He grabbed Lo, who screamed (as fauns are prone to do) and clutched at Moe, successfully sending all five of them (counting the nymph whose hand Moe had been holding) tumbling down the hill.

It took two hours, but by the time Joey had gotten out of the hills, the ship had gotten closer and was almost visible from camp. A cloud was blocking it.

Moe, Doe, Lo and the nymph (whose name was Claudia) had made the past two hours the worst of Joey's life. Including all the hours sitting through Octavian's speeches on "Why I Should Rule the Universe". Apparently, not all nymphs are nice. Claudia evidently thought it was Joey's fault she had been pulled down a hill.

"…So it's not my fault. I never asked to be dragged down here. All the other nymphs are going to talk, like, so badly. Especially Cleopia. She has such a big mouth. And Fran, you know, she has the frangipani trees and they're, like, EVERYWHERE, she is going to talk, talk, talk so much cause, like, I'm out of the Hills with some weird Roman girl and a bunch of hobo fauns. And do not, like, get me started on Vi, even though she can't talk cause she's like, been involved with some fauns before. And BTW, Judy, you, like, so owe me. Right, Moe?"

"Oh, yeah, totally – so what was you're number again?"

There must have been some function on or something, because when Joey got to camp, hardly anyone was there. I take that back – there was hardly anyone there. Most people were gone, except the probatio. And Dakota Ames and Gwen Eldest. Finally, thought Joey, someone sane. If you can call Dakota sane.

"DAKOTA! GWEN! SAVE ME FROM THESE PSYCHOPATHS!" Joey shouted, running down the slope, onto the Field of Mars, and up to the Praetorian Gate. Dakota looked up from his Kool-Aid, which had, once again, dyed his mouth bright red.

"What's the proble- oh." He had seen Doe and Lo, trotting only a few meters behind Joey. And Gwen's eyes widened when she saw Moe walking with the nymph around the edge of the Field of Mars, so she was still touching the grass.

"Wow, Joey, um… you made some new friends! Why are there three fauns and a grass nymph trailing behind you?" Gwen lowered her voice at the end so as not to seem… er… unwelcome.

Joey shrugged her shoulders. "Looooong story. Where is everyone?" Dakota, who had been gulping down Kool-Aid, turned to Joey. "Over at the Senate House. The new guy, Percy, and Hazel and Frank just got back from their quest."

Joey looked at Dakota like he'd been speaking Russian. "Wait, who is Percy? And why is Frank on a quest? He's a probatio, like this Percy dude. And is Hazel okay? But none of them are centurions. So what's going on?! Wow, one week is a looong time to be away from Camp. And who trashed the Field of Mars? Was it Octavian?" Joey finally stopped her rampage of questions when Dakota put his hand over her mouth and nodded at Gwen to explain.

"This new guy Percy, showed up about five days ago, saying he'd lost his memory. Frank and Hazel were on duty when he came through the Caldecott Tunnel. There were two gorgons chasing him, and he was carrying this old hippy bag-lady, who, obviously, turned into Juno. Lucky us. And Octavian accepted him into the legion, and he did this über-cool stuff with water when he saved Frank from the gorgons, like he could control the river and stuff. So he got claimed as a child of Neptune. Lucky him. And then Nico di Angelo showed up and creeped out half the legion. And Hazel told Vitellius, who told Bobby, who told me, that Nico recognised Percy, like they'd met before. How weird is that? So at war games that night, Frank got the medal for breaching the enemy wall first, and FIFTH COHORT WON! Mainly because Percy, who is in Fifth, made the water cannons explode in the faces of First and Second. And then right at the end, before Frank and Percy and Hazel, who was riding the elephant, got the flags, someone speared me from behind. But I wasn't dead. Well, Nico di Angelo said I was dead for a bit, but I came back. That was soooo freaky! And then Mars came, and he was all, 'Lend me your ears!' and he claimed FRANK and was like, 'There's this weird giant dude in the north that has chained up Death, like Thanatos Death, and you guys gotta free him before the Feast of Fortuna, 'cause otherwise, bad stuff is gonna happen. Oh, and yeah, there has to be a quest, and MY BOY, FRANK is gonna lead it. And this guy, Percy, has to be on it two, because I don't like his attitude.' Oh, and the next day, at the Senate House, Reyna and the rest of us made Frank a centurion, and approved the quest, but the only help the Senate gave them, Frank and Percy and Hazel, was that boat we have docked at the Port. And then, five days later, they turn up in the middle of our battle with another giant, whose name I forget, with this ultra-fast horse and a HUGE, and I mean HUGE pile of Imperial gold weapons and stuff. And the Amazons came down from Seattle to help us, and this really nice Hellhound, who is apparently Percy's pet, and Percy's friend Tyson, who is a really nice Cyclopes, helped as well. And today there's a meeting at the senate! Oh, and Percy was made Praetor with Reyna."

Joey's mouth, now free of Dakota's hand, was open by then. Suddenly, dealing with annoying nymphs and stupid fauns didn't seem so bad, compared with battling two giants in five days.

"I guess I should have help. Sorry, guys."

Dakota looked at her in sympathy. "It's okay. Telmar helped us instead. She said there was no way any creature with any dignity was going to let a battle go by without fighting. At least, I think that's what she said."

Joey rolled her eyes, "Gee, fantastic. My cat fought instead of me."

This is my first Heroes of Olympus fanfiction. I hope it's all right. Please read and review!

Love, Ren