AN: So I dashed this off on Tumblr this morning, but thought I'd post it here as well, in all its unbetaed glory. Sorry if it comes off choppy, but I'd rather keep all versions of this little ficlet (imperfectly) consistent. In any case, yeah, there was a gifset of Jess saying she could fit all of her lovers in one SUV, even if somebody had to sit on someone's lap, and, well, this happened.
"Quit shoving!" whined Berkeley from the middle of the backseat.
Nick continued squirming in his seat. "I'm not shoving! I'm trying to get comfortable!"
"Yeah, and you're shoving me while you're doing it!"
"Ha! Berkeley said 'doing it!'" exclaimed Sam. "Fist-bump!"
Spencer met Sam's fist. "Yeah!"
The SUV sped over a pothole. "Ow!" cried Paul, bumping his head on the vehicle's ceiling.
"You okay, man?" asked Teddy. "Sorry you're stuck on my lap, but to be fair, you are the shortest of all of us."
"No, no, it's cool," replied Paul. "But I really gotta go to the bathroom. How far's the next rest stop?"
"Not for another twenty-five miles," replied Nick. "Just hold it in, man."
"Yeah, dude, you are not peeing yourself while sitting on my lap."
"Can't I trade with Berkeley?" asked Paul.
"No! I am not sitting on Teddy's lap again! You can't make me!"
Sam piped up again from the middle row. "Berkeley, man, if Paul can't hold it in you can't make him pee on Teddy. That's just not cool."
"Totally," added Spencer. "And you're the next shortest, anyway."
"I don't want to sit on anyone's lap like a little kid! I'm a dad! That's gotta mean something!"
"Berkeley," answered the man in the passenger seat up front. "All it means is that you're responsible for someone else. It doesn't make you less short. Or your bladder less full. Russell, think you can pull over? Paul and Berkeley need to switch places."
"No we don't!" yelled Berkeley. "And why do you get to decide, anyway? Or even sit up front? I called shotgun!"
"He's sitting up front because he's the one who got Jess's ATM code on their first date and her credit card number on their second, and that's how we're getting the gas money for this trip," Nick reminded them.
"But that doesn't mean he gets to—" Berkeley began, as the rest of the men began squabbling again, their voices sounding more and more like a deranged mob.
"Shut up right now or I'll turn this car around! I mean it!" Russell's voice was authoritative coming from behind the wheel. "I'm pulling over so Berkeley and Paul can switch. You can switch back at the next rest stop. Now keep it down and let me drive!"
In the silence that pervaded the SUV, Nick's voice was suddenly heard, whispering. "He's so cool."