A/N: This is an experiment more than anything. I'm trying for a different aspect of Sheldon here, and I'll more than likely figure things out as I go. We'll see what happens with it.
Eighteen year old Sheldon Cooper was sitting in a restaurant reading Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. In his opinion, which he had to admit was worth slightly more than most, it was a fairly interesting read if you found the accomplishments of man interesting. It was a required read for his class, and he memorized every word from page to page, but it was more of a placebo for himself. One that ensured he actually did all the work he was assigned. Mostly for himself than others. It was no secret that he was brilliant.
Every once in a while, Sheldon took a bite from the salad that was next to him before going back to his reading. The amount of money he made from scholarships was more than some people made working a stable job. And he hadn't even begun working yet. This was simply his second PhD. Then again, for some people, a PhD wasn't just a PhD. Which was fair enough.
"How you doing?" a bright voice suddenly said. The voice was within his proximity, and by the sound of things, quite close. That made him pause before looking up. People didn't often seek him out.
He froze a little when he did. He needed to amend his statement slightly. More specifically, other females did not seek him out that were not assigned to his class, much less one as pretty as this one. She looked one of the women who looked at him strangely in college. Then again, he was eleven. They were probably astounded that he was there in the first place.
A scientist such as himself pay attention to everything, and this was definitely something to pay attention to. She was a beautiful blonde whose hair reached down to her shoulders. She wore a soft, kind face and white teeth that were bared in a shining grin. Her physique was rather slim, but very slim. She looked like many of the simply named, 'popular girls' that were in school. Question is that why was she at his table.
"I'm doing well, darlin'," Sheldon said, his Texan accent coming out. Often, he kept the Texas talk down to a minimum, but he was fairly nervous. She seemed to like the accent, and giggled.
"Mind if I sit?" she asked. He nodded nervously.
"Should we have invited her for lunch?" Leonard asked.
"No. We're going to start season two of Battlestar Galactica." His response was quick and curt; exactly how he liked to keep them nowadays. Also, a distinct lack of his Texan accent was noted. Things had changed in the past eight years.
"We already watched the season two DVDs," Leonard said.
"Not with commentary," Sheldon said, his response immediately as if he had expected that response. He did.
"I think we should be good neighbors. Invite her over, make her feel welcome," Leonard said. Sheldon then immediately caught on to what Leonard was implying. He wants to date her just because she could wear a pair of Daisy Dukes well. See how well that turns out for people like them.
"If you insist on wasting your time attempting to charm an aesthetically pleasing woman, who might I add, is more than likely way out of your league, then you may invite her over. But I will not ascribe to acting any differently around her," Sheldon said.
"It's not like that," Leonard said. Sheldon only gave his friend a withering look before rolling his eyes when he gave him that half exasperated, half begging look. He then stood up from the couch and followed Leonard out of the door.
"Hi. Again," Leonard said after Penny opened the door.
"Hi," Penny said.
"Let's please make this brief. The food's getting cold," Sheldon said in a mildly irritated tone. Also because he didn't want to talk to this woman any longer than necessary. Leonard gave Sheldon an impatient look, making him huff like a petulant child. Of course it wasn't a mature response, but that was the point.
"Anyway, we brought home Indian food," Leonard said, raising the bag. "And I know that moving can be stressful. And I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect."
"Or not being harassed by two awkward looking nerds." Sheldon said it under his breath to a degree that no one could hear him.
"Also, curry's a natural laxative..." At this Sheldon stopped him while rolling his eyes. How is it the he was the one who had to show Leonard how to be less awkward? His demeanor spelled it in bright neon letters.
"Leonard, I'm no expert, but in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might wanna skip the reference to bowel movements," Sheldon said, making Leonard nod erratically at his own mistake.
"So... you're inviting me over to eat?" Penny asked.
"Yes," Leonard said.
"Oh, that's so nice. I'd love to," Penny said.
"Great," Leonard said as she walked around the apartment.
"So, what do you guys do for fun around here?" Penny asked.
"Well, today we tried masturbating for money," Sheldon said, making Leonard give him a look that clearly said 'what the hell?' It took all of his might not to burst out laughing. He amazed himself sometimes with how he could say these things with a straight face.
"Ok, well make yourself at home," Leonard said as the door was closed.
"Thank you," Penny said brightly.
"You're very welcome," Leonard said, bowing his head nervously. Sheldon rolled his eyes before moving back over to his board and grabbing his marker. A little more doodling was in order maybe.
"Did you do this?" Penny asked, walking over to him. He blinked in a perplexed style. Most women who didn't study the field of science exclusively cared about it.
"Yeah. It's just some quantum mechanics with some string theory doodling on the side around the edges. That part's just a joke. It's spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation," Sheldon said proudly. Science itself was his natural talent. He understood it better than some people understood the english language.
"So you're like one of those beautiful mind, genius guys." Sheldon blinked in a perplexed fashion at the statement. There were many phrases people used to describe his genius. Nuts was certainly at the top of the list. But he had never heard it quite like that. He couldn't help the smile that crossed his face if he tried.
"That's one way to put it," he said, leaning against his board. Then he composed himself. He was starting to act like more like Leonard. Better to halt the train a little. May the God that he doesn't believe in forbid he pulls a Howard comment.
"This is really impressive," Penny said.
"I have a board, if you like boards. This is my board," Leonard said, gesturing to it. Sheldon again, rolled his eyes. Leonard was trying so hard to impress her. Doesn't matter. He'd learn the hard way.
"Holy smokes," Penny said.
"How about we just start eating?" Sheldon said, sitting down in his spot and grabbing his food. Penny sat on his right while Leonard took the chair across from him.
"Well, this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over," Leonard said.
"Not unless you count Koothrppali and Wolowitz. So are you purposefully implying a negative social implication or did you just gloss over that little detail?" Sheldon said. He wanted to add the fact that he most likely forgot about them was because he's doing... whatever he's doing to impress her. He felt the need to be blunt for him just to so he could enjoy his food without internally cringing.
"So how about you tell us about you?" Leonard said, turning to Penny and completely ignoring Sheldon's question. As many times as he did it, it still irked him to no end.
"Me? Well, I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know," Penny said.
"Well, I now know that you believe in the hokum myth that the sun's position relative to arbitrary constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality," Sheldon said, the words coming out like wildfire. It made him have to root out a piece of food between his teeth with the way it ended up positioning.
"Participate in the what?" Penny asked with a bewildered expression, making Sheldon sigh.
"Oh, good Lord," he said in an exasperated tone.
"I think what Sheldon's trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess," Leonard said.
"Oh, yeah. Lot of people think I'm a water sign," Penny said. Sheldon had to bite his tongue to avoid saying anything. It'd be easier to just be obnoxious on purpose. She'd leave faster.
"Oh, I'm a vegetarian. No, except for fish. And the occasional steak. I love steak," Penny said, making Sheldon stuff another piece of food in his mouth. If he had to listen to this any longer, he'd bash his brains in on the table. Let's try to steer this into a saner conversation.
"What is it that you do for a living?" Sheldon asked. He was going to jump out the window if she said something ridiculous again.
"I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory," Penny told him. He internally sighed in relief. Maybe the crazy part of him is taking over. He had the strangest feeling she was going to say something a bit more... provocative. To be honest, both versions of the definition could have applied depending on her answer.
"Oh, well I love cheesecake," Leonard said.
"Too bad you can't eat it or you'd outdo the Nazis in gas chamber technology," Sheldon said, taking a bite of food as Penny giggled his comment.
"I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea," Leonard said with a pointed glance at Sheldon. The faintest hint of a smirk showed up on his face. He asked for that one. It'd be unsportsmanlike of him to not take advantage of it. And it wasn't a cockblock. It was plain fact. If you plan on dating a woman, she needs to know just what she's getting into if its going to last. He of all people at least knew that.
"I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln, Nebraska to be an actress and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory," Penny said.
"So it's an autobiography then," Sheldon said simply.
"No, I'm from Omaha," Penny said. Leonard simply nodded while Sheldon shook his head. Alright, this was becoming too much. He was anchoring his crazier, more obnoxious side on Leonard's behalf, but this was starting to get tedious.
"I guess that's about it. That's the story of Penny," she said. Sheldon just stayed quiet and continued to eat.
"Well it sounds wonderful," Leonard said. If only he had mastered telepathy already. He would've messaged for him to get it over with. This was more aggravating than tutoring partying twenty year olds in college. Yes. Unfortunately, that was a thing. He was only eleven, and the duty fell on him out of all people.
"It was," Penny said, making Sheldon look at her in a slightly worried fashion. That look was akin to someone who had seen something horrifying. The scientist part of him wanted to know, yet common sense told him it was not his place.
"Until I fell in love with a jerk." Sheldon mouthed 'ah' in realization to no one in particular. Never mind. Silly him for thinking the conversation was going to get interesting for once. Like he knew anything about falling in love. Well, at least the love in that sense. It irritated him that his eye seemed to tick on its own volition.
"Four years I lived with him. That's as long as high school," Penny said.
"It took you four years to get through high school?" Sheldon questioned without even thinking, making Leonard shake his head at him. Right. Not everyone had his IQ. Got it.
"I just... I can't believe I trusted him," Penny said, getting up to go grab a paper towel to wipe her eyes. Then Leonard leaned to him.
"Should I say something? I feel like I should say something," Leonard said.
"Don't. I will," Sheldon said before looking up from his food. "Do you want to know my honest opinion?"
"What?" Penny asked.
"Relationships are often a waste of time," he said curtly, making her blink at him.
"What?" she questioned, making Sheldon set his food down.
"Well, if you look at it from a reasonable standpoint, what is the point of entering a relationship? To give someone full control over your emotional spectrum is honestly very risky as you don't know who the person might be. And the pros provided by such a relationship can be handled over a series of steps. You can find emotional support through friends and family, who will most likely be around you all the time. Money problems can be solved by seeking out a roommate, finding a better job, or managing your money better. As for the more physical aspect of coitus, well, there are a disgusting amount of people seeking one night stands. So yes. Relationships are in fact a waste of time," Sheldon explained, his tone curt and serious.
"I'm sorry. What? Did you say relationships are pointless? All that stuff you mentioned just sounds completely... left field," Penny said.
"But I'm not wrong. Many things that a relationship has to offer comes in different ways. More steps, but essentially the same effect," Sheldon said. Leonard held his head with his right hand and groaned.
"I'll repeat again. What?" Penny questioned.
"Must I explain myself again?" Sheldon questioned, starting to bring out his more obnoxious, condescending tone. Penny looked at Sheldon before looking over at Leonard and then back at Sheldon again. She then sat down with the most bewildered on her face. Her problem definitely was not solved, but at least it got him a minute of quiet.
"Why'd you say all that stuff?" Leonard hissed.
"I said the truth," Sheldon said.
"Says who?" Leonard asked.
"Says the data. It is far more efficient to follow those particular steps than to invest yourself in a relationship that could very well fail given how the odds are statistically against for it to succeed," Sheldon explained.
"You can't apply logic to relationships. It doesn't work that way Sheldon," Leonard said.
"Just did it," he said calmly in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone.
"Anyway, thank you guys for inviting me over, but I'm going to head back over to my apartment," Penny said.
"Oh, really. Did we do something?" Leonard asked.
"Oh, no. It's just... well, I'm a mess and all sweaty from moving... Oh, shoot. Forgot my shower doesn't work," Penny said.
"Our shower works," Leonard said, making Sheldon snap his head to him. He then shot him, 'you serious?' look. Again, he was ignored. There was the irritation bristling again.
"Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?" Penny asked.
"No, not at all," Leonard said.
"Other than the fact that there happen to be two males in the house and you don't exactly live here," Sheldon thought before speaking out loud. "If you are going to use it, it may be wise to bring a change of clothes."
"But everything's not unpacked. I'll just get back in these when I'm finished," Penny said.
"After you just said they were sweaty? That doesn't seem very logical at all," Sheldon said, taking his last bite of food before setting the container on the table.
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Leonard said, making Penny smile brightly at him before heading towards the bathroom.
"Oh, boy. Would you just stop beating around the bush? It's annoying me," Sheldon said in an impatient tone.
"What are you talking about?" Leonard asked.
"Oh, please. I'm sure if she could see a thought bubble the entire time she was talking to you, she'd never come back again," Sheldon said with a roll of his eyes as there was a knock on the door.
"You don't know that," Leonard defended weakly before walking towards the door.
"Leonard, you are hopelessly misguided," Sheldon said with a shake of his head. Leonard just gave him a deadpanned look as he opened the door.
"Wait until you see this," Howard said.
"It's fantastic. Unbelievable," Raj said.
"What is it?" Leonard asked.
"It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974," Howard said.
"Before he was fitted with the modulator," Sheldon said, making Howard smile proudly.
"That's right," he said with a swing of his arms before his hands joined behind his back.
"Now's not a good time. You guys got to leave," Leonard said pointing.
"Why?" Howard asked.
"Because there is a woman using our shower, and Leonard somehow believes that his awkward compliments and constant attention will eventually get him the to achieve 'ultimate prize' of coitus," Sheldon said with finger quotes, making the experimental physicist glare at the theoretical one.
"Hang on, there's really a lady here?" Howard asked. "I thought it was a joke, but then you brought up coitus. So is that why you want us out? Cause you're anticipating coitus?"
"I'm not anticipating coitus," Leonard said.
"So she's available for coitus?" Howard asked almost immediately. Sheldon rolled his eyes to the heavens. He was surrounded by people who obviously used the wrong head to think.
"Can we please just stop saying coitus?" Leonard asked.
"Blame Sheldon for bringing it up," Howard said, making the man in question roll his eyes.
"Oh, yes. Everyone shoot the physicist for stating fact. Leonard, you are fooling no one," Sheldon said as the door opened. Everyone that wasn't him gaped at her when she walked out.
"Hey, is there a trick to switch to getting it to switch from tub to shower?" Penny said before she looked up and saw the amount of people that were now in the room. "Oh, hi. Sorry. Hello." Sheldon was slightly puzzled by the fact that she didn't seem to feel awkward about being clad in nothing but a towel around four guys.
"Enchante, mademoiselle," Howard said, making Sheldon go to the fridge. Everyone was a lot more bearable when a woman wasn't around. Then again, Raj went mute when a woman was around. Then again, also on the other hand, Raj wasn't as obnoxious as Howard and actually somewhat civil.
"Howard Wolowitz, Caltech Department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work. It's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs," Howard said a small flourish of his hand.
"Gracious. Let me show you this shower," Sheldon said, standing up. "If I have to witness Howard trying to flirt with a woman who is clad in nothing but a towel, I'm going to vomit." Penny eyed Sheldon at his statement. He simply gave her an impatient look before jerking his head towards the bathroom.
"I'm only going to show this once, so do pay attention," Sheldon said before adjusting the tub's spout. "It has a strange quirk where the water flow gets halted, so you have adjust it until the water will flow out. Though it's relatively useless information. Unless you plan on making this a daily occurrence. This made him raise a challenging eyebrow.
"Oh. Well, hopefully not. I just need to get my shower fixed," Penny said.
"I wish you good luck with that. Nothing has been done about the elevator and it has been years. Now take your shower," Sheldon said, abruptly ending the conversation.
"Wait! Um, can you do me a favor?" Penny asked as soon as he stepped in the shower.
"Just what would I get out of this favor?" Sheldon asked.
"Well, if you could pull it off, you'd rank really high on the friend list," Penny said, making Sheldon groan.
"If it requires a substantial amount of effort, then no. Now what is the favor?" he asked.
"I kind of need you to get my TV back from my ex-boyfriend," Penny questioned, making Sheldon blink in a perplexed fashion.
"Why would you need me to go get your TV?" he asked. "Is it yours? Did you make the payments on it? Is it in your name?"
"Yes, but he won't give it up. And given how I needed to get out, I wasn't much in a position to argue," Penny said.
"Oh. Say no more. That's something that will take a minimum amount of effort," Sheldon said, walking out. All it would was one phone call.
"I'm sure you can manage that TV, can't you Kurt?" Sheldon questioned.
"Tell me why again exactly you called the police on me just for a TV?" he asked.
"Because what you did under all rights and purposes is stealing. Withholding access of an item for a person who has paid for and is, legally, in direct ownership of said item, is stealing. I don't abide much by criminals. If I truly cared about taking this far, I could've gotten you arrested and taken back the item as a result. But I do not," Sheldon said.
"So you're trying to get in her pants too," Kurt said, making Sheldon roll his eyes.
"Hardly. I don' think with my penis like so many other males on this planet. No, I just have quite a bit of distaste for a cheater," Sheldon said, his normally cold and distant tone now sounding venomous with his Texan accent coming out. It made Kurt snap his head to him. He wasn't much of a reader, but he sounded like he was upset enough to throw a punch.
"She didn't move out for long. What all did she tell you?" he asked.
"Enough to fill in the blanks," Sheldon said, his tone going back to normal as if nothing happened before he knocked on the door to Penny's apartment. Of course, Kurt looked at him weirdly when he knocked three times. It was amazing who almost ended up getting him in trouble with the law again. A weird guy in a Flash shirt and old man looking pants.
Penny opened the door and her eyes widened when she saw Kurt. Then she looked to Sheldon and back to Kurt again.
"Wait, you brought my TV back?" she asked.
"Unwillingly. But your friend here can be... convincing," Kurt said before walking past her and setting the TV down. "Am I done?"
"Yes, you are. I'll inform them that you're off the hook. You can go," Sheldon said dismissively. The tone he used really made Kurt want to punch him, but that would only give him reason to go through with his threat with the police. So he just walked out.
"'Them?'" Penny asked.
"The police. It was a simple matter of theft, and he was forced to give up the TV or face jail time. As you can see, it was very effective," Sheldon said.
"You didn't have to do all of that," Penny said, blinking in surprise at the physicist.
"No. Like I told you, the effort was minimal. All I needed to do was call the police, make a drive to the police station, then back to Kurt's to inform him of the situation. I suppose I'll ignore the compensation for the amount of gas I used since this was in fact a 'favor,'" Sheldon said with finger quotes. He was then cut off by Penny hugging him, making him stiffen before drawing himself away from her.
"Penny, if you don't mind, I'm not much one for being hugged," Sheldon said stiffly.
"What?" Penny asked in a perplexed tone before releasing him.
"Oh, good Lord. Woman, you have got a lot to learn," Sheldon said before heading back over to his apartment. Penny blinked in a perplexed fashion as the physicist left. She didn't know whether he was brilliant or crazy. Probably both.
A/N: I'm sure up all noticed quite of bit of difference between the default Sheldon and this Sheldon. For one, this one actually DRIVES. I could go down the list, but just figure them all out for yourself. This is a bit of a pilot episode to see how it goes. I don't update often, given how work is always getting in the way, but it'll always be here.