Title: My Voice…
A/N: Well, I'm just another fan who's sad that Sirius had to die. This is my first fanfic… in the Harry Potter section, that is. I'm a regular visitor of the Slam Dunk, Japanese Animation site…. Okay, this is another one-shot song-fic, where all of them are thinking about Sirius's death. The song featured in this fiction is actually a song from the Japanese Animation, Slam Dunk, called Sekai Ga Owaru Made Wa, or Until The World Comes To an End. As it's a Japanese song, so the English version of it may have a little grammatical errors and all that.
Oh, and if you Unquestionable-san, AKA Wee Yen, *yelps* I'm really, really sorry!! *does ketuk-ketampi* Ask me about it in school, I'll explain everything…
Well, okay, enough ramblings… Let's go!
Harry slumped at the stone wall leading to the lounge. He stared right into the room, where there were a group of people talking in low voices, not really aware that he was watching them. He was supposed to be sleeping, but he just couldn't tolerate to accusing silence. It just reminded him more about him.
And now, leaning his whole back against the wall, seeing the other side of the stone wall in front of him, he wondered what had really happened in his fifth year. Everything had passed in a blur... everything now seemed so... surreal. It was as if a void had appeared out of nowhere, and he was being sucked into that dark abyss.
I'm all alone in the big city,
Thrown away like an empty can,
If love is love until we know everything about each other,
Then, let us sleep forever...
'Harry?' Lupin called out quietly. He was always quiet, something Harry really admired about him. He had always seemed like a younger version of Dumbledore, calm, quiet, and reliable... but right now, all he felt towards both Lupin and Dumbledore was hurt, and deep cold fury.
By now, Lupin had already taken Harry by his hand, leading him towards the center of the lounge, where a merry fire was cackling. Harry, still consumed by his thoughts succumbed to Lupin's hand.
'Harry... I know you're... not feeling particularly... well, great right now,' Lupin's voice was still soft. Unconsciously, Harry told himself that these people were the ones who suffered the most out of everything. They take and take, never letting it out.
'Whatever...' Harry muttered, not really sounding polite.
'Har...' Dumbledore never got to finish his word. Harry cut him off in the mid-word, though Harry to, intending to say shut up, only managed to get the first word out. He didn't really want to be rude with Dumbledore. Harry knew it was not his fault, but Harry just couldn't control himself. He really wanted someone to blame, to accuse, and Dumbledore seemed the most likely person, after refusing to tell him anything and locking him up in a Muggle house for one whole month. Harry managed to restrain himself though, by avoiding too much contact with Dumbledore. He was, after all, a great wizard, one that really earned him fame.
'Come on, Harry,' Fred muttered, softly, trying to encourage him. However that was a wrong move. Harry, having bottled everything up for such a long time, burst. He hadn't unleashed his anger for quite a while, and it was all hitting on him. Even though he had complained to Dumbledore the night Sirius left, Sirius's absence was hitting on him more than ever now, that he was back in the headquarters.
'Come on WHAT?!' Fred looked a little taken aback. Only a little.
'He left... he left me to deal with myself... to face the world, to face everything without... without help. On my own! You don't know how that feels, so don't pretend that you do!... and don't pretend to be kind and sympathetic either!'
Until the world comes to an end, we won't be apart.
I wished it for countless nights,
Why does the past destroy,
Even the worn-out heart that shines?
Melancholically fleeting thoughts... on this tragedy night.
George opened his mouth, but on second thoughts, closed it back again. He looked at Fred, who looked back at him just as helplessly. They were good at making people laugh, making a sad person's day look bright, but they didn't know how to make a depressed person a little cheerier. It was different; it couldn't be done by jokes... there was something more to it, and they knew it.
'We kn... I mean we're all sad that Sirius, umm... that Sirius is... well, gone, Harry, but, we've got to go on, we can't be left behind,' Hermione answered, her eyes brimming with tears, which she stubbornly held at bay,
Harry stared at the fire, burning brightly; as if it could nothing sad could ever put it out. As if no darkness could ever triumph over it... unlike how it triumphed over Harry, and Harry felt the dark emptiness in him deepen. He could remember the countless times Sirius's head had been bobbing there, right in the midst of the fire.
He could remember seeing a big black dog one night, in his third-year, right at Magnolia Crescent, thinking of him as a grim, dreading its appearance. He could remember seeing the same dog at one of the Quidditch games, when the Dementors came to attack. He could remember... hell, he could practically see the hundreds of Dementors crowding around Sirius, all wanting to perform the Kiss – Ron, feeling a little unnerved by the silence, cleared his throat, a little too loudly – and speaking of Ron, Harry could feel the excitement and tenseness in the Gryffindor common room as Ron reported, or more like complained that he saw Sirius in his dorm with a knife, Sirius's confession at the Shrieking Shack, Lupin's explanation... and everything else that Sirius had been to him... he could remember it all. All the living off rats when Harry's scar had hurt, his jovial laughter, his sometimes dripping sarcasm...
And so, people seek an answer,
And lose something that's irreplaceable,
A city filled with desires,
Even the stardust in the night skies doesn't shine on us.
A fat tear was slowly, but obstinately tracking its way down Harry's cheek, and frustrated, Harry wiped it off, his gaze still stuck on the fire.
'Harry, it's not...'
'That's enough excuses, okay?' Harry's voice, wavering, cut Lupin off.
'But...'
'No, he's gone. I can't hear his voice anymore... his laughter. I can not feel him near me anymore... he's just not here any longer,' Harry's voice broke. His body was racked with sobs.
'Harry...' Hermione's voice sounded horrified, but Harry cut across her, as if unaware that she had spoken.
'I don't hear his concerned voice; I don't see him running down to my aid with sparkling eyes and long black hair covering his face. When I call out... I only hear my voice. He promised to always be there for me, he promised... he told me that if I ever needed him, all I had to do was take out the ruddy mirror and call, but he's not there! When I feel lost, he's not there to guide me. I scream, I yell, and all I hear is my voice… WHY?!! I should've listened to his advice more often, his voice, with deeper clarity and concentration.' Tears were now splashing down on his shirt, but he didn't care any longer, he didn't care about what people thought about him. All he wanted was an explanation, a reason to why he could only hear his voice. Why Sirius's voice was just… lost from this world, why he couldn't fathom the whispers behind the dais, why he couldn't never hear Sirius's voice ever again. He couldn't be bothered with the world, as long as he could hear Sirius at least once more, or to see Sirius beaming at him just one more time, hug him and grasp his hand just once! He couldn't understand why and how Sirius could leave him hanging there like that.
Before the world comes to an end, please make me listen,
A catastrophe well suited to a flower in full bloom….
While everyone wishes, no one believes in eternity,
… Even so, they certainly dream about tomorrow,
Short-lived days, and… this tragedy night.
'But Harry…' Hermione started, aghast at what she heard. Aghast that Harry was so… hurt and so lost. Lupin gave her a warning glance, and then turned back to Harry.
'If only I could just see him one more time, to ask him for help… to tell him that maybe… maybe one day, we'd finally be able to be together. There would be no more school separating us, no more ministry after him. Someday, we'd be able to enjoy total freedom together….' Harry's words sounded blurred.
'If there was more time for me to treasure him more, to hear…'
'More time, Harry, won't help you,' Dumbledore's calm and serene voice broke through his rumblings. Harry blinked.
'The more time you have, the more you tend to look back into the past after something has happened, and who can blame you? There'll be more memories for you to look back on, more things to hold onto. More time won't give you the required strength to face the world, it would, in fact, weaken you more. It's a law of nature, and there's nothing in the world powerful enough to change that… not even magic.'
'Harry, we may not understand what you feel, but we all loved Sirius in different ways, and… but…' Ron faltered.
'But… Dumbledore is right. The pain will come, no matter what. It is true that we have to use our time wisely, to spend it with the person we love as long as we can, but there can be no escaping the pain. A wound still bleeds no matter how old a scar is, and new wounds can easily be created by just a simple cut,' Lupin continued for Ron, who nodded fervently at whatever he said.
'But… but it isn't FAIR!' Harry was close to wailing, and he knew that he sounded like child, but he DIDN'T CARE. He was not an adult! Mrs. Weasley said so herself. It's not fair that he had to worm his way out of this mess without so much as a godfather to help him. The bond he had with Sirius, it was the closest thing in his life he felt towards a blood-relative and a friend at the same time… something that Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and their parents had never managed to achieve. And now… even that was gone. He felt so… low… as if he was that unworthy that God didn't care who he was taking away…
'Besides, Harry, you're not the only one. Countless people have suffered out there, and most of the time, you have gone on in your world, not knowing the pain they were going through, not knowing anything about the hurt that was ripping them into shreds. It's a lesson that everyone learns the hard way. No matter how much we grieve, the world doesn't stop for our pain,' Hermione whispered.
Until the world comes to an end, we won't be apart.
I wished it for countless nights,
Why does the past destroy,
Even the worn out heart that shines?
Melancholically fleeting thoughts… on this tragedy night.
If hurt could really bleed, I would be lying on the floor, dead… Harry closed his eyes, scenes after scenes flashing before his eyes. The countless times he could have enjoyed himself with Sirius, and wasted the chance away, the time he wasted away, when he could ruddy well have used it with Sirius. Scenes after scenes, as he walked through them, calling out, listening for Sirius's voice, and the voice of all the people of the world, filled with hurt and pain… to the voice of his heart…. And he heard, distinctly, Sirius calling back to him…
On this tragedy night.
Romaji Lyrics
English Translation
daitokai ni boku wa mou hitori de
nagesuterareta akikan no you da
tagai no subete wo shiritsukusu made ga
ai naraba isso towa ni nemurou ka...
I'm all alone in the big city,
thrown away like an empty can.
If love is love until we know everything about each other
Then let's sleep forever...
sekai ga owaru made wa hanareru koto mo nai
sou negatte-ita ikusen no yoru to
modoranai toki dake ga naze kagayaite wa
yatsurekitta kokoro made mo kowasu...
hakanaki omoi... kono tragedy night
Until the world come to an end, we won't be apart.
I wished it for countless nights
Why does the past destroy
even the worn-out heart that shines?
Melancholically fleeting thoughts... on this tragedy night
soshite hito wa kotae wo motomete
kakegae no nai nanika wo ushinau
yokubou darake no machi ja yozora no
hoshikuzu mo bokura wo tosenai
And so, people seek an answer
And lose something that's irreplaceable
A city filled with desires, even the stardust
in the night skies doesn't shine on us
sekai ga owaru mae ni kikasete okure yo
mankai no hana ga niai no KATASUTOROFI-
daremo ga nozomi nagara eien wo shinjinai
...na no ni kitto ashita wo yume mite'ru
hakanaki hibi to kono tragedy night
Before the world comes to an end, please make me listen.
A catastrophy well suited to a flower in full bloom...
While everyone wishes, no one believes in eternity.
...Even so, they certainly dream about tomorrow.
Short-lived days and... this tragedy night
[Instrumental]
[Instrumental]
sekai ga owaru made wa hanareru koto mo nai
sou negatte-ita ikusen no yoru to
modoranai toki dake ga naze kagayaite wa
yatsurekitta kokoro made mo kowasu...
hakanaki omoi... kono tragedy night
kono tragedy night
Until the world come to an end, we won't be apart.
I wished it for countless nights
Why does the past destroy
even the worn-out heart that shines?
Melancholically fleeting thoughts... on this tragedy night
This tragedy night
A/N: Well, how'd you find it? Do drop me a line… oh, and thanks for reading it.