Summary: In the beginning, there was a guy named Isaac. And this guy had some stuff happen to him that we, the players, only got to see the altered version of. So I present to you 'Golden Sun' in its original, twisted form.
Arianna: Wowsers and bowsers and purple, fluffy schnauzers! I can't believe I'm writing a 'Golden Sun' fanfic!
Erk: Woohoo.
Arianna: It's my first fic in the 'Golden Sun' section. :D
Erk: Yeah, I think the readers gather that already.
Eliwood: And people think I'm stupid.
Erk: You are.
Eliwood: Oh, I am, aren't I? I forgot! :D
Arianna: All the flamers in the 'Golden Sun' section are probably thinking 'fresh meat' right about now.
Erk: No, they'll be thinking that if they ever make it down to the first paragraph of the actual story.
Arianna: What are you guys doing in this section, anyways?
Erk: …..
Eliwood: …..
Latisha: Goodbye. =throws them out door=
Arianna: =drags Ivan in= Hello new, temporary muse!
Ivan: …who are you? =attempts mind read= Why can't I read her mind?
Latisha: She doesn't have a mind.
Ivan: !?
Latisha: She lost it a few years ago and it was never found.
Arianna: Have you ever, ever, ever in your long-legged life met a long-legged sailor with a long-legged wife? No I never, never, never in my long-legged life met a long-legged sailor with a long-legged wife!
Latisha: -.-;
Ivan: O.O;
Arianna: START STORY!!!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own 'Golden Sun'. Wow, that feels so weird after so long of typing 'I don't own Fire Emblem' that I'm gonna type it again. I don't own 'Golden Sun'. And OOCness for some people. Actually, a lot of people. I have nothing against any of the characters. It's all in humor, folks.
"ISAAC JAMES NEUTRON! GET YOUR HINEY OUT OF BED THIS INSTANT!"
Dora's scream penetrated the haze of sleep and Isaac slowly opened his eyes to see his mom glaring down at him.
"Just a few more minutes, Mom…" he said in a half-asleep voice and rolled onto his side. But he was rudely snapped awake when his mom pulled the sheet off his bed.
"NOT IN A FEW MINUTES, NOW! YOU'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL AGAIN! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!!!" his Mother's screams continued. Isaac dragged himself out of bed and froze at the sound of a loud rumbling. Was that his stomach, or was something BIG happening outside? He looked around and thought it was rather dark for morning.
"Mom, doesn't that sound like-" he started to say but was cut off by his Mom throwing his schoolbag at him.
"AND I DON'T WANT ANOTHER NOTE FROM KRADEN ABOUT HOW WHEN GIRLS' SKIRTS 'ACCIDENTLY' FLY UP YOU'RE ALWAYS THE ONE NEAR BY USING PSYNERGY!!!" she warned him. He thought of defending himself from that remark but decided that what was going on outside was more important.
"MOM! Doesn't that sound like the Mt. Aleph boulder is falling!?" he tried again as another rumble shook the small house. But Dora seemed oblivious to the shakes and tremors.
"Now, dear…." she said in such a soft voice that he had to strain to hear it.
"Yes?" Isaac asked.
"GO TO SCHOOL!!!" his Mom screamed making him jump. He was about to go to the school (even though it wouldn't make a difference if he got a good education or not if his whole town was flattened by a boulder) but just then his father ran into the house.
"Isaac, Dora, hurry! The boulder could fall at any second!" Kyle told them in an urgent voice. Dora gasped and her face grew white.
"The boulder is falling!? I had no idea!" she said in shock. Isaac's eye twitched a little but he blinked it off. "Kyle, will they be able to stop the boulder?" Dora asked her husband.
"Are you kidding? Of course not! What kind of beginning would this be without a disaster? Now, c'mon! I'm going to go try to save people while you two flee." he yelled at his wife and son. Then the three of them ran outside.
"Isaac, you better go to the plaza alone. There's a better chance of you getting attacked by monsters and killed that way. I'll go pretend to help your father while actually standing around doing nothing." Dora told Isaac. Then Dora and Kyle rushed off somewhere leaving Isaac to attempt to find his way to a plaza that he'd only probably been to a million time since he has lived his whole life in Vale, but since we, the players, aren't sure where it is, Isaac just runs around in circles like an idiot. While running in circles he spots somebody dragging a bag. It's his friend Garet! Isaac decides to talk to him even though he looks very busy.
"Hi, Garet! Are you going somewhere?" Isaac asked, looking at Garet's large bag. Garet let go of his bag and breathed heavily for a few seconds before answering Isaac.
"No, idiot! I'm trying to save my things! The boulder's falling, ya know!" Garet said.
"Yeah, I know. My mom told me to go to the plaza place, but I seem to be having trouble getting to it-HEY! Why do you get to bring your stuff? I didn't get to bring mine!" Isaac exclaimed.
"Tough luck, Isaac." Garet said and picked up his bag once more. But before he could leave, Isaac starting pulling stuff out of his bag and throwing it over the side of a cliff. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Garet shouted at him.
"It's only fair!" Isaac said while glaring at his best friend. Then he snatched the empty bag out of Garet's hands. "You don't need this, either!" he said and threw the bag over the cliff after its contents.
"Grrr……" Garet growled and shook his fist at the blonde boy. Isaac just grinned stupidly.
"Well, we better get to that plaza! How about we go together? There's a better chance of you becoming my sidekick for this game if you're with me during the disastrous beginning!" Isaac chirped and then took off running to who-knows-where. We know where! The plaza. Garet followed, grumbling. Up on the mountain top the old geezers (a.k.a Elders) saw that the hero had finally started getting a move on and decided it was time to cause suspense by complaining about how hard it is to save a village from a falling boulder when you only have mystical, psynergetic powers.
"Ahhh! The boulder! It's falling!" one of the Elders shouted.
"No duh, Sherlock!" another guy shouted back at him.
"We have to hold on till the villagers are safe!" said another Elder. "Or at least until the main characters are!"
"How long have we been up here, anyways?" asked the Elder from before, who we now know is 'Sherlock'. "Isn't it time for our coffee break yet?" he complained.
"Not until the hero makes it to his family and friends so he can watch as they are tragically swept down the river." said the other guy, who is named Eugene. I don't know if that's really his name but we're gonna call him that for this story.
"Dangit!" whined Sherlock. "Hurry, boys! Run!!! It's just a little farther! And I want my daily caffeine dosage sometime before lunch!!!" he told Isaac and Garet as they ran by. Isaac was skipping-no, running- RUNNING down a hill when suddenly a large rock fell –smack- in front of them.
"AHHH! BIG ROCK!" screamed Isaac and he hid behind Garet.
(A/N: =dodges rotten fruit thrown by Isaac fans=)
"We just have to go around!" Garet told Isaac and then dragged him onward. Near a broken fence was an injured man.
"Rockslide….destroyed fence…monsters everywhere…." the villager managed to moan in a pained voice to the two boys. "I'm hurt pretty badly….do you think I'll die?" he asked, although I don't see the logic in asking two random boys if you're going to die or not when a huge boulder is falling and about to smash your whole town. Isaac answered him anyways.
"Yes! YES! DIIIIEEE!" he giggled. The man stared at him in horror for a few seconds then jumped to his feet and took off running down the road. Even the monsters weren't as scary as Isaac giggling! Garet thwacked Isaac in the head for frightening off the injured than dragged him down a hill to where a lot of people were standing by a house. They were reaching for a man who was in the water. Isaac shook his head slowly. "Swimming during the 'Falling Boulder Tragedy'. What will people think of next?" he stated in a disapproving voice. Isaac and Garet ran through the house (Isaac tripped over a chair on their way through) and came out on the 'dock looking thingy that could be a back porch' where everyone was staring at Felix in the water.
"Grab my hand!" yelled his dad as he reached out his hand a good few feet too far away for Felix to grab it. Felix's dad realized this so he threw a rope at Felix instead. "Grab the rope!" he yelled. But the rope landed about two inches out of Felix's reach. "GRAB THE DANG ROPE!!! WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME, BOY!?" he bellowed. His wife put a hand on his arm.
"Honey, he can't reach the rope." she explained. He just answered with an embarrassed 'oh'.
"The rope won't reach…we should use psynergy." Kyle suggested.
"Gee, ya think, Sherlock?" Eugene shouted from up on the mountain. Kyle chose to ignore him.
"Do you have any left?" he asked a villager standing around.
"Of course not! I had to waste all my psynergy doing something absolutely pointless so as not to spoil the plot! The rock go up, the rock go down, the rock move sideways, the rock come back the other way…." the villager said. He continued to ramble on about all he made a rock do with his psynergy so Kyle gave up on him.
"I'm drained from helping the other villagers. Even though I don't know what I was doing to help them that involved using psynergy. But whatever, it's a chance to be lazy and also another chance to try to get rid of the kid! Hey, Isaac! Go find some psynergy!" Kyle told everyone standing nearby and then shouted to his son the last part.
"It won't work. He's the main character. He can't be killed off so early." Garet informed Isaac's dad to his utter dismay.
"If he's the main character, then he shouldn't have to do the work! I'll go!" Jenna spoke up from the side of the 'dock looking thingy that could be a back porch'.
"I'll go too!" Dora volunteered. "I'll go look up north so I can sneak stuff out of my house incase it gets destroyed." she said and took off. Isaac blocked her way.
"But Mooooooom! I wanna go, too!" Isaac whined and his lip went all pouty-wouty. Dora sighed and gave in to her son's wiles.
"Alright, follow Jenna to the plaza. Wait, WHY AREN'T YOU ALREADY AT THE PLAZA!? You have school!" she screamed at her disobedient son.
"Ma'am, the boulder is falling, remember? The school may not even be standing anymore." Garet reminded her. She just 'humphed' and hurried off. Isaac and Garet ran towards the plaza that they still weren't sure of the location of but figured it would be in the direction Jenna went. They finally arrived in the much talked about plaza and walked over to a big, shiny stone.
"HEY! You guys' coffee break was over 10 MINUTES AGO! Get back up there with the Elders NOW!" the mayor was yelling at some surly looking men. They walked off grumbling.
"Hey, Gramps!" Garet greeted the mayor as the two boys approached Jenna and the aforementioned old man.
"Garet, Isaac…you came to help me?" Jenna asked, her eyes sparkling happily at the young men.
"Me? No. I came to look for my stuff that Isaac threw over the cliff. I think it landed somewhere around here, have ya seen it?" Garet asked. Jenna glared. Her eye twitched. And then she socked him in the jaw. Garet fell onto the ground, unconscious.
"I came to help." Isaac announced loudly. "For I am the MAIN CHARACTER! THE SAVIOR OF THE WORLD OF WEYARD! THE WARRIOR WITH THE SKILL AND STRENGTH TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER EVER!" he shouted proudly.
"Until the second game. Then my brother takes over." Jenna muttered under her breath so quietly that Isaac's noisy yells drowned it out.
"THE UNBEATABLE, THE ALL-POWERFUL, THE MOST NEEDED-" Isaac continued and looked about to go on for quite awhile when Garet suddenly got back up and bashed him over the head with a random stick.
"Can we go save my brother already?" Jenna asked in an exasperated voice.
"Yup. My coffee break just ended so I can help." a villager said. The mayor pulled Isaac up.
"The path is blocked by those conveniently placed rocks so you two had better show Jenna the only path left open by the game designers to her house." he told Garet and the dazed Isaac.
"Yes, sir!" Garet said and saluted.
"Mommy, the birdies have cardigans…" Isaac mumbled and then fell back on the ground. Garet picked him up and dragged him along as him and Jenna walked back to save Felix with the villager.
"Mom! Dad! We're back!" Jenna announced as the group neared her house.
"Is that you, Jenna?" Dora asked. She was walking down the path holding bags of junk she had salvaged from her house.
"No, it's Martha Stewart." Garet muttered sarcastically.
"Oh, Martha, aren't you supposed to be in jail?" Dora asked. Garet fell onto the ground next to Isaac. The thump woke Isaac up. He slowly opened his eyes and blinked at the form beside him. His eyes slowly focused.
"AHHHH!" he screamed and jumped to his feet. Garet looked up at Isaac, confused. "Garet, I know I said I like you but I meant AS A FRIEND!" Isaac screamed at the puzzled boy.
"Isaac, you IDIOT!" Garet yelled and jumped to his feet. He then proceeded to bash Isaac numerous times over the head with the stick from before. Dora was blissfully unaware of her son being beat up.
"You're just in time! I made cookies!" Dora said cheerfully. Jenna sweat dropped.
"Uhhh…shouldn't we save my brother first?" she asked. Dora gave a small 'hm' and turned toward the river. Felix had somehow managed to hold on the whole time.
"Felix is alright. He's 'hanging' in there. Get it? Hanging? HAHA! I crack myself up!" Dora laughed. Jenna sweat dropped again. The villager moved to save Felix but then a loud 'DING' resounded through the village.
"COFFEE BREAK!" all the Elders yelled happily and then ran off to have their coffee and donuts. All, that is, except poor Eugene.
"Hey! Isn't saving our village from a giant, falling boulder a little more important than coffee and donuts!?" he yelled in exasperation.
"Are you kidding!? Of course not! The donuts are 'Krispy Kreme'!" Sherlock yelled back as the Elders headed towards their sanctuary. Eugene continued to stare after his comrades in amazement and disgust at their stupidity. But unfortunately, he forgot about the boulder. And so today Eugene is not an Elder anymore. He's a slightly stale pancake on the side of a mountain. But now, we leave Eugene the pancake and return to our dramatic scene at the river.
"Look, everyone! The boulder is falling at exactly the same moment we finally got someone to rescue Felix! Who'd of thought that would happen?" Isaac said in surprise. Then he screamed in terror as the boulder went rolling by, taking half a porch and a few people with it.
"Kyle! NOOOOOO!" Dora screamed in anguish. "Now who am I going to have fix my roof!?" she exclaimed. Then she got an idea. She glanced over at Isaac.
"Uhhh….I'm gonna go get help!" Isaac said hurriedly and then took off. Dora sighed and then glanced at Garet instead.
"Wait, Isaac! I'll help you!" Garet yelled after him and quickly followed. Dora grumbled and stormed angrily off. Isaac ran down the road until he heard mysterious voices coming from the cliff above him.
"Only the three of us survived…." Mystery Man said sadly.
"The three?" Mystery Woman questioned.
"You, me, and Mr. Boo-boo." Mystery Man told her as he pulled a small kitten out of his pocket and introduced it to Mystery Woman as 'Mr. Boo-boo'. Then he huggled it and stroked its fur. Mystery Woman slapped her forehead in frustration.
(A/N: =dodges bullets from guns of Saturos fans=)
"How could we have anticipated Sol Sanctum would unleash such fury?" Mystery Woman asked. And the authoress is tired of typing 'Mystery Woman' and 'Mystery Man' because it is not fooling anyone, so they will now just be called by their real names.
"Well, there was that big sign by the door that said 'DO NOT MESS WITH STATUE THINGIES OR YOU WILL FACE FURY AND DEATH!!!'." Saturos said as he dangled a toy in front of Mr. Boo-boo.
"And you tell me about this now!?" Menardi shrieked.
"Regardless, we must not fail the next time we challenge Sol Sanctum." Saturos stated solemnly.
"Well, I could have told you that!" Menardi snorted derisively. Then they heard a shout from below.
"WAIT UP, ISAAC! I'd rather go somewhere with you again then fix your roof and that's saying something!" Garet was calling after the blonde boy as he ran to catch up.
"You were eavesdropping on us just now, weren't you?" Saturos asked Isaac in a menacing voice. Then he hugged his kitty again so the voice really didn't have too much of an impact.
"Well, it's not eavesdropping if you're talking loud enough that I can hear you from the bottom of a cliff!" Isaac retorted. Saturos was puzzled by this for a moment, so Menardi took over.
"You must forget everything you heard." Menardi threatened the two boys.
"Which part, the part about Sol Sanctum or the part about how you two were stupid enough to ignore the big sign?" Isaac asked. Garet winced at Isaac's taunt. He didn't think now was a good time to be making fun of dangerous looking strangers. And he was right.
"Don't worry…we'll help you forget!" Saturos said and then threw Mr. Boo-boo at Isaac.
"AHHHHH! I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS!!!" Isaac screamed as Mr. Boo-boo landed on his face and latched his claws into Isaac's hair. Isaac ran into Garet and knocked him into the cliff. Garet hit his head and was knocked out. Mr. Boo-boo jumped back into Saturos' arms as Isaac passed out from shock. Then the two Mars Adepts left. Three years passed……
Arianna: HAHAHAHA! MR.BOO-BOO!
Erk: Why are you always so entertained by stupid pet names?
Eliwood: =counting on fingers= Now we have Ms.Squiggles, Giggles, and Mr. Boo-boo.
Ivan: …..can I go now?
Arianna: Hmmm…should I continue? Or should I make it a oneshot? Sorry if anyone was mad about the twisted personalities. Well, there's my first try at a 'Golden Sun' fic! See you next chapter, maybe!