The Adventures of Solid Snake
Episode Three: Metal Gear Santa (Part One)
Solid Snake's Alaskan Cabin, 12:06 PM
"Ah," said Solid Snake as he slid into the knew hottub that had just recently been installed. "I'm all alone for the weekend. No Meryl to tell me what to do, and no Meryl to pleasure me orally." Snake sighed, shook his head, and muttered, "I am so lonely."
In A Laboratory Thousands of Miles Away, 12:06 PM
In a laboratory thousands of miles away, a nerdy scientist was working feverishly as a dark figure held a FA-MAS assault rifle to the back of his head.
"Can you go any slower?" the figure hissed.
"I-I'm going as fast as I can," Otacon whimpered. He typed quickly on the keypad in front of him. The designs for a gargantuan robot terror appeared in a flash on the computer screen. The dark figure grinned widely.
"Excellent, my foolish friend. Solid Snake will never suspect THIS!"
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 1:57 PM
Colonel Roy Campbell crouched in the dumpster in the alley behind Wendy's, feasting upon a half-frozen T.V. dinner. With him he had a portable 13 1/2" black-n-white television, which he was currently using to watch disgusting homosexual bondage beastiality porn.
Campbell took a large bite of the soft green peas, grimaced, and spat out the nasty food. He stared carefully at the pornographic feature, entitled "Joe Camel Meets A Dozen Famous Porn Stars". A simple title, Campbell had to admit. But also a catchy one!
"This is the most entriguing piece of art I have ever witnessed," Campbell whispered, almost knocking the television set over with his raging hard-on.
Suddenly...BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Campbell's Codec continued to beep for several seconds as he dug furiously through a mound of half-eaten sandwiches searching for the damned thing...
Success! The Colonel activated the Codec and stared intently at the glowing screen. He was looking into the face of Solid Snake, one of his dearest friends.
"What are you calling at this hour for, Snake?" questioned the Colonel as he cast aside his half-finished T.V. dinner.
"I'm having some concerns," Snake said. "I'm beginning to get the feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something bad."
"Uh, you already said it was going to be bad," said Campbell.
Snake looked confused for a moment before he shook his head and said, "Nevermind. The point is...wait a minute? Is that gay animal bondage porn you're gawking at?"
"Uh, um," stammered the Colonel, "no. Not at all. What would make you think such a thing?"
Behind him on the television, a sheep bahhed loudly. "Bad sheepy!" cried a she-male as he/she/it stroked the frightened farm animal.
"You're truly disgusting, Roy!" Snake nearly screamed. "Forget we ever had this conversation!" And with that, Snake signed off.
"Well," said Campbell to himself. "I wonder what's got HIS panties in a wad!"
"BAHHHHH!!"
"Come back here, you naughty beast!"
WHIII-SNAP! Went the whip. WHIII-SNAP!
Otacon's Personal Quarters, 5:17 PM
Otacon sat on his bed, sulking. He had removed his eyeglasses and placed them on the nightstand, and now he began to cry. This continued for nearly an hour or so before a knock came at his door.
"Who is it?" Otacon asked, still whimpering.
"It's your employer," said the voice on the other side. "Now open this door before I blast my way in."
A frightened Otacon did as he was told and rushed to unlock the door. The door swung open, and standing there, looking as truly queer as ever, was Liquid Snake.
Liquid was dressed in a heavy trenchcoat, and he had a Desert Eagle pistol at his side. On the villain's chest was a mechanical life support system, which breathed and pumped blood for him.
"I require your assistance, slave," said Liquid, grinning widely. "The Metal Gear is having, shall we say, problems."
"What kind of problems?" asked Otacon.
"That is of no concern right now," continued Liquid. "Right now, we need you in the control room. NOW."
"Yes, sir!" Otacon squeeked as Liquid shoved him out of his room and into the hallway.
Solid Snake's Bedroom, 6:46 PM
Snake lay awake, staring up at the ceiling of his nearly vacant room. How he missed his Meryl. Suddenly, Snake had another flashback of Campbell pleasuring himself. He nearly retched right then and there, but then tried desperately to force the horrible thoughts from his brain by trying to picture his beloved Meryl. Ah, Meryl.
But it was no use! Campbell continued to intrude, laughing his head off as he beat off in his secret dumpster.
"I'm losing my goddamn mind!" Snake blurted out. He leaped off of the bed and launched himself through the second story window in his room.
Snake never really felt the pain as he collided with the snowy, Alaskan ground. But that was most likely because he fell on his head, rendering him completely unconcious. Had it not been for the twelve armed soldiers standing nearby, Snake most certainly would have died.
A Secret Torture Room, 8:23 PM
Bright lights, mind swimming, eyesight blurry...
Snake opened his eyes to a strange world, and found himself strapped into a heavy, metal chair. Some sort of torture device, he thought to himself. His hands were bound with bonds of steel. He was pinned down.
"Well, brother. It appears that you have been caught in my web," said a man with a British accent. "Much like the spider is caught by the fly."
"Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?" questioned Snake.
A pause. "It doesn't fucking matter!" the man screamed. He was somewhere behind Snake, that much was for certain.
"Now," said the British man, "back to the subject. You are here. You are trapped. I am your captor. Any questions?"
"Yes," groaned Snake. "Who are you?"
The man cackled loudly, much like an old woman would cackle, much like a witch, or perhaps something to that affect. "You never were all that smart, Snake."
"Oh, wait!" Snake cried. "I know who you are! You're Psycho Mantis! I might have known, you fiend!"
Suddenly, the man leaped out in front of Snake, anger and hatred surging through him. It was, of course, Liquid Snake.
"Mantis is dead, you fucking moron!" Liquid spat. "Who the HELL do you think I am? Mother Fucking Teresa!?"
"I never would have thought that," said Snake, plainly. "She's dead, after all."
"But you now see that it is I, your brother, Liquid Snake!" Liquid exclaimed.
"Yes," Snake answered. "But you had me fooled for quite a while."
"I see that the fall seems to have damaged your memory," said Liquid. "Perhaps even your already low I.Q."
"Was that some sort of diss?" demanded Snake.
Liquid shook his head in aggravation and stomped around for several moments before turning back to Snake.
"As you can see, dear brother, you are attached to a torture device." Snake appeared to follow so far. Liquid continued. "When I walk over here"--Liquid moved over to a control panel with a vast amount of dials and switches--"and activate the device, electricity will be sent coursing through your body."
"Yes," said Snake. "Very much like the device used on me by Ocelot."
"Yes," Liquid agreed. "Oh, and while we're on the subject of Ocelot, you did a fine job of killing him."
"It was quite easy really," Snake replied. "He did most of the work himself."
"I see," said Liquid. "Now, on with the torture."
"Hey," began Snake. "Can't we talk about--"
But it was too late! Liquid flipped the appropriate switches, twisted the correct dials, and punched the right buttons. The machine hummed to life and Snake was attacked viciously with volt after volt of burning electricity!
"AHAHAHAH!" exclaimed Liquid. "Quite like a barbeque isn't it, Snake?"
Snake didn't answer. His body was twisted in some sort of odd shape that can only be made when the body is zapped with vast amounts of electricity. The man screamed loudly, much like a cat will scream loudly when it is hit by a car, not killed, but crushed. Yes, that is quite what it was like.
This severe form of punishment went on for several minutes before Liquid deactivated the machine. The powerful generators powered down, and Snake was left in the device, slumped to one side, his body emitting a dense cloud of putrid smoke.
"I think I overdid it," said Liquid with a chuckled. The evil bastard gestured to two henchmen who came forward, unlatched the unconcious Solid Snake, and dragged him to his cell. What would await him there?
Tune in next time for the conclusion of "Metal Gear Santa"!