This story was written for ElsannaFluff July 2018 Contest with the prompt being "Was I a monster from the start?" (word limit: 1000-3500 words). Please check out ElsannaFluff on tumblr for more information on the monthly prompt contests or join us on discord at discordDOTgg/TU9NpnH (you know what to do with that DOT).

Golem

Born with it or cursed?

"Elsa?" Anna's voice was quiet, a hush barely above a whisper. She stirred at Elsa's side and looked at her, eyes fully alert, as if she wasn't sleeping just a second ago. "What happened?"

Elsa sighed. Without thinking much, she pulled the covers over Anna's bare back and shoulders–the room had to be cold, after all, now that she looked around. Ice covered the walls and tapestries, and a thin sheet of frost crept on the floor outwards from the bed.

Monster! Kill the witch!

"Just a bad dream," she said offhandedly, hoping Anna was too tired to carry on talking, but just a shift of a naked body and a stern look later she knew she was wrong.

"Tell me about it," Anna said firmly, her face just a few inches away from Elsa's. She climbed on top of her and pinned her to the mattress, and Elsa knew there was no escape. "You keep having those bad dreams," she murmured. "Let me do something."

Your sister is dead because of you.

Elsa blinked rapidly and looked away from her. "It's alright, Anna," she lied. "Just a dream. I'll deal with it."

Anna studied her face for a while longer, looking for traces of doubt, but Elsa was a queen, and she knew how to make sure she looked like she knew what she was supposed to do. Anna's arms gave way and she collapsed gracelessly, sprawled across Elsa's chest and stomach, their legs intertwined under the covers separating them from the frost.

She was tired, Elsa knew that much. Ever since the Great Thaw, night after night for many weeks now, she'd wake up startled by a dream, and six out of seven of those nights Anna would wake with her. Always willing to help, but never really able to, not when Elsa so stubbornly refused it.

"You're cold," Anna breathed out into her skin, the weariness clearly audible in her voice. "More than usual."

"I know."

"Does it…" Anna hesitated, tracing along Elsa's collarbone with the tip of her finger. "Do you feel it anyhow?"

Elsa shook her head. "Only that you're warmer."

She could feel Anna smile into her shoulder. Another finger joined the first in the flitting touches, vaguely following the spiraling pattern, as if two separate, ephemeral beings danced alongside each other on Elsa's skin. She focused on them, on Anna's warmth at her side, Anna's heart beating softly against her own rib cage, her steady breathing. She closed her eyes and tried to match it until all that was left of her dream was less than an exhale of cold air.

Anna started humming out a made up tune that lined in perfectly with her dancing fingers.

"That's better," she whispered after a while.

Elsa opened her eyes to see the ice recede from the walls, as grey moonlight seeped in through the clear window undisturbed and settled on Anna's messy hair, forming a pale halo around her head.

Not giving herself any time to think, Elsa leant in to kiss her on the lips, softly at first, but then Anna responded and the kiss deepened, and a sort of desperation washed all over her, like it was the last time in her lifetime that she was allowed to touch that perfect being.

Anna moaned into her mouth as she sucked on her tongue, and their bodies were close, so close and still inching closer, and it felt like they would keep going until they became liquid.

Her hands were in Anna's hair, pulling softly while Anna's nails dug into the sensitive skin just below her shoulder blades.

The last remnants of the fear from her dream were pushed out from her mind by a voice that kept screaming for more, more, more, more sensation, more friction, more heat, more touch, more Anna.

It felt like her chest was going to explode.

She risked opening her eyes for a while to glance at the room over Anna's head. The ice was gone. The embers still glowed in the fireplace.

Her eyes rolled back into her head and her whole world shrunk down to this one body pressed firmly against and inside her.

It wasn't until after she came that the guilt arrived.

It would always be like this. She would be distressed, Anna would want to help. And Elsa, being the pathetic thing she was, would only want Anna as close as humanly possible.

They would end up having sex five out of six times, and Anna would try to talk to her more, but she would be too tired and would fall asleep. In the morning, Elsa would brush it off.

Simple as it was, it always helped her regain control.

"Are you alright?"

Anna was looking down at her, she was sure of it, but she couldn't see her eyes in the darkness. Her hair was hanging loose, the ends tickling Elsa's cheeks, covering her face from the fireplace light.

"Sure," she managed out through a clenched throat, and the very second that word left her lips she knew she did not convince Anna at all.

With a sigh, Anna lifted herself off her hips and Elsa's hand was freed, fingers glistening in the dancing flames. "What are you thinking about?" she asked, lying down next to her, head propped out on one elbow.

"Noth–"

"Elsa, please." She took hold of her chin and forcefully turned Elsa's head to face her. "Talk to me. You can't just keep everything to yourself like this."

Her face was illuminated now, and she didn't look worried like the many times before. Her brows were furrowed and her jaw was clenched tight. It was rare that Elsa saw her angry–and most of the times, it wasn't her who got on Anna's nerves.

An entirely new sense of panic settled in her chest.

"Sorry, it's just… it's been a long day." This was technically true. For most of the afternoon, she was busy with the preparations for the Yuletide, and then she had to spend almost the entire evening discussing the details of an incoming official dinner. "I'm tired."

"Just tired?" Elsa nodded, and Anna's eyes narrowed as she tried to read through her expression. "You swear?"

"Yes." The word left a bitter taste on her tongue, and she looked down at Anna's hands to avoid looking in her eyes. She grasped one and brought it up to her lips, kissing the tips of her fingers gently. "Yes, sweet flower. I just need to rest for a moment."

Anna's eyes lingered on her for just a while longer before she gave up and fell on the pillows beside her.

Elsa steadied her breathing, still riding the adrenaline rush as she quickly checked her surroundings for any signs of broken will. The room was warm, not a trace of ice anywhere, safe from outside the window, where the cold winter night brought on an unexpected blizzard.

In only a few moments, Anna was sound asleep, nestled by her side like a duckling safe in its mother's feathers. A trace of smile graced her pale lips, and Elsa would give up everything she owned, the entire castle and her title if she could only make sure she would stay like this forever.

Still… The head tucked under her chin felt heavy, and it was only getting heavier with each day. The hands lying relaxed on her stomach now felt like sharp claws, and the legs intertwined with hers were like toxic vines burning through her skin.

And the guilt she felt was like liquid lead running through her veins, slower than blood, making her whole body heavy.

The stones were as cold and mossy as she remembered them.

It was a cloudy day early in Spring, and the wind blowing from the fjord carried on the scent of an incoming storm. She was standing alone before the graves of her parents, having left Anna at the castle after numerous assurances that she was going to be safe going for a few hour ride. The guards that accompanied her were left posted at the bottom of the hill, just at the edge of earshot range if she screamed loud enough.

"What am I going to do?" she murmured a question to the stones, as if there was any chance in hell they could answer. "What am I supposed to do now?"

Instead of the reverie and peace of mind she expected from here, she started to feel like a clueless, clumsy duckling desperately searching for its parents as it wobbles through the woods.

"Should I end this?" This time, the question was a whisper, meant for herself only. Saying it out loud made it more real than the stray thought echoing in her head, but it didn't make it any less terrifying. "I can't. Not after what Anna–"

Her breath hitched as she choked back on tears. Anna was doing everything she could for her, and this alone made the matters four times worse. Doing the right thing–the one she should have done many months ago–would only break Anna's heart.

It wasn't the love she was afraid for, no. It was the empty sacrifices.

"How could I have let this happen?"

She knelt down before her mother's grave and rested her forehead against the cool stone. The wind picked up again, carrying on the gravel and dead leaves rotting on the damp ground since Fall. And the wind howled at her, and it sounded just like her mother's voice she remembered from the many times she failed to be a good daughter.

With Anna's head between her legs and fingers deep inside, it was easy to forget about it, even if just for a moment.

But when Elsa's back crashed down on the mattress, muscles relaxing after the climax and Anna moved up to look at her face, those big, round, loving eyes locking with hers–

Elsa lost it.

Anna's blissful expression turned into panicked the moment she saw the first tears fall.

"Oh my god," she whispered hurriedly, rushing up to envelop Elsa in her arms. She didn't make a single noise of complaint when Elsa's nails raked her skin as she desperately tried to clutch onto her. "Elsa, oh my god Elsa did I hurt you–"

Elsa shook her head violently against her chest.

Anna pulled her in closer. "I've got you, you're alright." She kissed the top of Elsa's head. "You're not alone, I'm right here, I'll help you… I'll try to help you, if you just let me–"

"I'm a monster," Elsa let out a pathetic whine before she could even think about what she was saying, clinging to her harder.

She pressed her lips tightly together, fearing all the rest of the words burn in her throat as they threatened to break free.

But Anna let a breath out, and she seemed to calm down a little. "You're not, Elsie, you know that. If you look at all the people around you, if you ask them, they'll only tell you that you're a good, kind person." Her hand was moving up and down Elsa's back, leaving a trail of nauseating warmth. "And I– I love you, Elsa, more than anything in… the…" she faltered for a second, then took a sharp breath. "E-Elsa? My shoulders–"

Monster.

Her voice was so strained that Elsa instantly opened her eyes in fear and looked; where her fingers dug into Anna's skin a cover of ice was spreading in twisting, intricate patterns, the crystals shining bright like the stars in the lone candlelight–

It was her who pushed Anna away.

"It's good, I'm fine!" Anna tried to get back to her quickly, but she crawled away to the other side of the bed. "Look, it's already thawing–"

"Don't!"

Anna retracted her hand. "Elsa, it's not your fault," she said in the most honest voice, and it only hurt Elsa that much more. "I love you," she repeated. Elsa let out a sob she couldn't keep in. "I knew it was going to be hard sometimes, but I didn't care. I told you before– back in the palace, remember? I told you we'll fix this together, and we will, I don't care how long it takes or how many mistakes we make along the way–"

The ice was melting off, but it left angry marks on Anna's skin. Elsa looked away; to the floor, to the walls, to the windows. All were clear. No sign of ice anywhere but on the angel before her. The room was still warm, too, judging by how devastatingly hot it felt for her now.

But Anna didn't notice. She thought it was the same as it's always been.

"Just let me help."

There was no point fighting, or trying to explain. "I love you too," she whispered back after a while, defeated, and Anna took it as a safe sign to approach.

She pulled the covers over them and Elsa close to her chest, and she started whispering into Elsa's hair, the way she always did when Elsa's powers took the better of her. That it wasn't her fault. That she was born like this. That there was nothing they could do but accept it and make the best of it. That it was beautiful, the things she could do. That she would always be there, that she would love her, that she would help her find the way if she got lost in her fears.

That she wasn't a monster.

And it would help, most of the times, but right now it wasn't the fear clenching its ice-cold hand around her throat but guilt that burned white-hot in her chest, down to the tips of her fingers. But Anna never knew.

As she buried her face between her sister's breasts and let her hands roam her naked back, she tried to extinguish the fire, push it to the back of her mind, but it was always there. The guilt. The shame. The disappointment she knew she was.

"I'll never let you go," Anna whispered when she thought Elsa was already asleep, and planted a soft kiss on her forehead.

The powers she was born with, and there was nothing they could do to change that, however much she tried to think so for day after day she'd spent isolated.

And from the first moment she could, Anna would only want to help, and Elsa would only abuse that. That girl with hair like strands of fire and huge, starry eyes was a malleable clay, starved for love after years and years of avoidance. Elsa took hold of her sister's feelings and ripped them apart, twisted and pulled and carved and corrupted them until they became this hideous golem moulded after her own perversion. This was her creation. Her fault.

The powers she was born with, yes. But the monster she only became along the way.