Title: Diggory Dead
Author: A Crazy Elephant
Summary: Cedric maybe dead, but he's not gone.
Category: Humor/Action/Adventure
Spoilers: OotP, HBP, and DH, eventually. Watch out.
Disclaimer: Alas, it is not mine. sniffle
Author's Notes: This particular story is a slight crossover with the old TV show 'Dead Like Me'. You don't need to have seen the show to understand what's going on, but if I'm not clear on something, feel free to ask me to explain. Constructive criticism is always encouraged and welcome! This is what Showtime has done to me. I can't read or watch anything where anyone dies without thinking, "Where are the Reapers?"
Prologue; No Pearly Gates Nor Firey Pits
The graveyard was quiet, cold and dark, as it had been when Cedric had first arrived. It had been eerie then, but now, with the cracked and broken headstones littered around the plots and the thought that not an hour ago the Dark Lord had returned and held the first meeting of the Death Eaters in thirteen years, the place seemed even more unnerving.
It didn't help that he was dead.
It hadn't hurt, dying. All things considered, Avada Kedavra was really a decent way to go. Simple, painless, like someone had switched off the light. It was like fainting, only when he'd woken up, his soul was no longer attached to his body.
Cedric shook his head. That was enough brooding. It was over. Sighing, he glanced up at the sky as if the heavens could explain what was to become of him. The clouds that had shadowed the hollow during the rise of the He Who Must Not Be Named were beginning to fade away. A cool breeze picked up to dust off the thick gloom and a bright moon peeped around the shifting clouds as they moved past on their way into oblivion. Now and then, stars popped up between the diminishing patches of haze. It was heartening. Perhaps he was to gradually fade away, as the clouds were. That wouldn't be so bad, he decided.
"You Diggory?" A cold voice broke his reverie. Two dark shapes moved through the moonlight to where Cedric sat on a short headstone. As they drew nearer, he could see their faces. A man and a woman. Both were dressed in Muggle clothing and neither seemed too happy to be prowling around a cemetery in the middle of the night. The man was tall, with the build of someone who at one time in his youth had been in top physical shape but as age caught up, muscle had gone soft and a slight paunch was visible around his middle. He wore a beige trench coat with dress pants and polished black shoes. A black jockey's cap sat atop the gray hair that fell to his shoulders and his blue eyes scanned Cedric critically. The woman, a girl rather, his age, perhaps a tad older, likewise was small, short and wispy with pale skin and dark, cheerful features. Dressed in a bright yellow and perfectly unnecessary rain slicker and equally bright red rubber boots, she didn't seem too concerned with his presence or her counterpart's opinion of him. She was simply and quite clearly unhappy about tromping about a cold graveyard during hours best reserved for warm beds. And they could see him.
"What?"
"Are you C. Diggory or not, boy?" The older man shot.
"Why do you have to be so mean, Leo? He just died," the girl scolded, tugging at her rain hat. 'Leo' ignored her.
"Well? Answer, lad, we haven't got all night."
"Uh- yes."
"Yessir," Leo corrected. "Anna." He turned to the girl. "Make the introductions."
"Sure thing, Lee." She gave him the thumbs up. "I'm Anna and this is Leo," she explained. "And you, Mr. Diggory, are dead."
"Anna, I asked you to make introductions, not state the obvious," Leo said harshly. "Explain his new purpose. It's your punishment for our tardiness."
"It's not my fault Reg's truck is crap." Anna made a face. "Bloody thing broke down on the drive up here." She shook her head.
"What new purpose?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Diggory, but you won't be going to Heaven," Anna said casually. "But don't worry, we're not sending you to Hell either," she said, with a bit more enthusiasm. "You're coming with us," Leo snorted. He was clearly not impressed with Anna's cheerfulness.
"You're going to be a reaper, boy."
- - -
Chapter One; Merry Little Christmas
"Wake up, Diggory! Wake up or I'll hex your ears off!" The pounding on his front door ceased after this ultimatum. From under his quilt, Cedric could hear the click of the lock and Anna blasted through his front door. "Up! Up! Up!" And then the quilt was gone, leaving him at the mercy of the cold December morning and a very cross Anna. He winced and growled.
"Goddamnit, Ann, it's three AM," Cedric grumbled groggily, rolling over to glance at the small glowing alarm clock on his nightstand.
"I am well aware of the time, Diggory," Anna continued with an imperiousness he would have expected from Leo or Reg. "Get up, get dressed, we've got to pop down to the Ministry." For three o'clock in the morning, Anna was surprisingly well groomed and awake. Her dark curls were carefully pinned back with a sprig of holly, a pair of wooly green earmuffs and what he assumed was half a can of Madame Medusa's Miraculous Hair Stay Hair Spray. The long bright red wool coat she'd been wearing since the first of the month was looking just as cheerful and wrinkle free as it had when she'd showed up at the Leaky Cauldron three weeks ago, its fuzzy white trim, still bright as freshly fallen snow. The hem of a smart green skirt stuck out around her knees where it was met by white stockings and a pair of men's work boots she'd clearly lifted from Reg's flat to keep the shiny black Mary Jane's he was certain she had stashed in the compact car she'd borrowed from Matilda in immaculate condition.
Cedric, on the other hand, looked no better than the day he died. His pajamas consisted of a pair of old, gray sweat pants. With the onset of winter, he'd added the hideous pink snitch patterned sweater Matilda had knitted him. His hair was unkempt, he wasn't sure of the last time he'd braved the ice cold water of Reg's shower, what with his own flat lacking running water entirely after his failure to pay the bill, and Gods only knew when he'd last gotten around to laundry.
Death had not been kind to Cedric Diggory.
While actually dying had been painless, dealing with the reapers had not.
There were four other reapers in the Magical Division of External Causes beside himself- Anna and Leo, short, which he'd discovered, for Leonardo, plus Reg and Matilda. All of them had died at least fifteen years before him and in that time had apparently lost all sympathy for the recently deceased. They had a tendency to be callous and snarky and he'd learned very early on not to expect much more sympathy than what little Anna had shown him on the night of his death.
That tiny bit of kindness, he'd concluded, had been quite a stretch for Anna. On the every-day, she tended to be rather critical, sarcastic and annoyingly observant when it came to details, all the while still coming off surprisingly bright and sunny. Unless truly angry, an experience he had yet and hoped never to have, Anna was almost childlike. A sadistic child, to be sure, but she was a first rate pouter with an impressive talent for announcing her observations despite how inappropriate they may be and clearly had the other three wrapped around her little finger.
Reg, Cedric had found was short Regulus and was to Cedric's horror, the deceased younger brother of the notorious mass-murderer, Sirius Black. He'd never been able to work out how exactly Reg had died but the man was everything he expected out of the younger brother of a Dark Wizard. It wouldn't have surprised Cedric in the least of he'd been a Death Eater himself just like his dear big brother. Sulky and brooding, Reg kept mostly to himself and almost always wore that same sneer of disdain that he'd seen before on that fourth-year Slytherin, Malfoy, back at school.
If Anna and Reg were heartless, they were nothing in comparison to their leader, Leo. According to the vague explanation Anna had given him during his crash course in reaper relations after his death, Leo was the oldest of them- how old exactly she hadn't said- and was not one to be trifled with. He took his job as Reaper Foreman very seriously and expected his employees to do exactly the same. He did his best to run a highly efficient division with an iron fist and was by far the most callous, uncaring and bitter person Cedric had ever come across. If he hadn't heard Anna tease him for having ridiculously high moral standards, Cedric would have pinned the old man a Death Eater right along with Reg.
Thank God for Matilda. The elderly little lady was the only sane one of the bunch. Reasonably kind and even helpful when the mood struck her, the round old woman could more than hold her own with her peers. Leo may have had the title, but Matilda was running the show. She could talk Anna out of pout, silence Leo with a look and had been the one to keep Reg from hurting him after a particularly fierce debate over Quidditch teams.
And then there was himself, Cedric. A year ago, he had been alive, safely tucked away in his dormitory back at Hogwarts, brooding over the Tri-Wizard clue and happily awaiting the Yule Ball. He couldn't have possibly imagined then that now he'd be newly deceased, working a low paying, dead end (no pun intended) job for the owl emporium in Diagon Alley and staying in a studio closet in the dodgiest end of London imaginable. No water, no electricity, no heat and a dying cactus plant comprised his worldly possessions. How the mighty had fallen.
Together, the five of them made up the Magical Division of External Causes of the United Kingdom. Reapers, as Cedric learned, were divided into divisions; Muggle and Magical, Natural and External Causes. There were also, he found, specialty groups such as the Plague, Famine, Drought and Genocide Divisions, but for the most part, Anna had said, their little crew didn't have much contact with those sorts.
Reapers had three main tasks; remove the souls of the living before they died, see the soul pass over, blend in with society. Dealing with the souls was none too terrible, Cedric had decided. Removal was easy- a just tap on the shoulder or pat on the back would do the trick- and leading them to their lights was never to much trouble either. It didn't even bother him too much to watch them die. It wasn't as if he was murdering them; they were going to die anyway. If their name was on the parchment slip Leo handed out in the mornings at the Leaky Cauldron, with only one or two exceptions, they were going to die, with or without Cedric's help, and he may as well help them out on their trip into the light less their souls remain trapped forever in whatever was left of their bodies.
It was blending in Cedric was having trouble with. He'd spent the first six weeks after his death camping out on Leo and Matilda's sofa until he'd finally been able to scare up his worthless, paper pushing job at the owl emporium and afford his own dirty little flat. He'd been given clothing by Matilda, whose fashion sense was a bit off, resulting in a small wardrobe of oddly patterned sweater vests and bizarrely colored shirts. He'd been given a ridiculous name: Billy Pilgrim. It had been Anna's turn to choose their alias names and the entire division now was listed at the Ministry under her favorite fictional characters from Muggle literature; Cedric's from a Muggle American author called Vonnegut. He'd been set up with a back-story in case someone asked. Unfortunately, he never could remember said story and would catch himself talking about people who'd never heard of 'Billy' in their entire lives.
His worst trouble was the haunting. A year ago, he couldn't wait to move into his own place, away from his parents. Now, he would have giving anything to be in that home again. On days he went out for a reap on his own; he'd always pop in to see how his mum and dad were coping, which was never well. It was rough; seeing that gaping hole he'd left in their lives and watching as things fell slowly into ruin. Reg had caught him once and only after serious pleading with the man had Cedric been able to keep him from ratting his day trips out to Leo.
"Who's dying?" Cedric asked, tugging on a pair of pink and orange striped socks while Anna daintily selected clothing from the floor, changing the color of his cleanest shirt with her wand to match the cleanest sweater vest. She hated Matilda's choices in clothes; nothing matched. She was terribly obsessive about colors Cedric had come to discover. Things had to match. Always. Similar standards applied to sizes, shapes, letters and numbers for Anna and her compulsive organizing could be quite amusing. Merlin help them all when she got her hands on a pack of Every Flavor Beans when no two beans were ever the same color or flavor.
"A. Weasley," she said, carefully handing him the outfit she'd chosen, piece by piece. "Hurry up, it's bloody freezing in here,"
"Yours or mine?" Cedric dressed as he was bid, tugging his khakis over his sweats in a last ditch effort to fight off the cold.
"Yours. You really do need a telephone; you know how Leo hates owls and the mess they make." Anna pulled a parchment slip from an inside coat pocket and held it out. Cedric, straightening his sweater vest which Anna had recently dyed a festive bright green and red, accepted the note and studied it.
"I know this bloke. Well, his kids at any rate. Or his brothers. Can never keep them straight," he mused, folding the paper and tucked it in his pocket while Anna summoned his boots and the second hand wool coat Reg had given him at Matilda's request.
"Well since the two of you are such great pals, perhaps you could do him the honor of a painless demise." Anna crossed her arms and tapped a foot impatiently.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." Cedric rolled his eyes as he laced up his boot and grabbed his coat. "Let's go."
- - -
"I hate premonitions," Anna announced as they climbed back into Matilda's car to head back to The Leaky Cauldron. "I hate them. Force us to make trips for nothing."
"Yeah," Cedric agreed, dropping into the passenger seat. "I'm beginning to see what you mean." The reap had been a total bust. A complete waste of three hours which he could have spent sleeping. A. Weasley hadn't died; someone had foreseen it and all his little pals had swooped in to stop the whole mess before Cedric had even had a chance to pop his soul. Lucky bastard.
"Neh, ah well. Leaves us more time for Christmas shopping." Anna shrugged and slammed her door, turning the key to start the car.
"What?" Anna, Christmas shopping only two days before Christmas? He would have expected her to have had everything bought and wrapped in June.
"Shopping, Diggory, for Christmas gifts. I've not been able to find anything for Leo. Silly old goat; he's horribly difficult to buy for. I'm inches away from knitting him another set of socks, just for old time's sake." He would never understand the mad little creature that was Anna. Just barely six o'clock in the morning, after a very cross three hours of dressing her protégé, hassling him into the car, nudging him into the service entrance of the Ministry of Magic, then laying in wait outside the poor Mr. Weasley's office until his buddies had busted in to gum up the whole operation, Anna had all ready switched back into her Holiday Happy Mode. "It took me years to pass my Apparition test, so I was broke for ages; all I could afford to do at Christmas was knit. Leo always got the socks," she explained brightly. Anna, despite her obsessive organizing, Reg had explained once, was something of a mathematical genius. She could work more Arithmancy problems in three minutes than Cedric was able to do in an hour and could count hundreds of items with only a glance. This opened up a whole world of potential income; Anna counted cards. And, when the mood struck her, would indulge her fondness for statistics with a rousing few hands of the Muggle card game, poker. Every now and then she'd pop down to the Muggle casinos on the Mediterranean coast for the evening and pull in thousands of pounds in just a few hours and be back in London before lunch to exchange out her pounds for galleons. "What did you get the old man?" Anna interrupted his thoughts.
"Oh, uh, nothing," Cedric admitted truthfully.
"Brilliant; then you won't be bored to tears while I drag you about the antique shelves Flourish and Blotts. I'm hoping to find something for that little library of his," Anna continued cheerily.
"Anna, I can't afford to sneeze in Flourish and Blotts, let alone buy something for Leo."
"You can't afford to sneeze anywhere, Diggory, last I checked. You really ought to see if Reg can get a good word in for you at the Department of Mysteries; he says they've been looking for a few good maladjusted young men with nothing to lose. That sounds like you." Anna was trying to sound encouraging.
"Thanks a lot," Cedric grumbled, slouching low in his seat.
"Well, think about it; you're all ready dead. Your only associates are all ready dead. The only secret you've got worth knowing isn't too hard to keep if you're ever captured and questioned since no one would ever ask something like, 'and how long have you been dead for Mr. Diggory?' It's perfect!" Anna said. "I'm sure Reg wouldn't mind,"
"Reg hates me, Anna," Cedric reminded her absently.
"He does not." She waved him off. "He's snarls at everyone, don't worry. Just wait for tomorrow though; he and Leo have found the perfect tree."
"What tree?"
"For the party of course!" Anna shook her head. "Our Christmas party! I sent invitations out two weeks ago! Don't tell me you didn't get one." Oops. Cedric had stopped checking his mail, both Muggle and Magical. Too many bills he couldn't pay had started to depress him.
"No, I got one," He assured her. Lie. Well, half-lie. There may have been an invitation in one of the bundles of bills and junk mail piled on the cardboard box currently serving as his dining room table, but Cedric couldn't have said for sure. "I must have forgotten. Things have been stressful at work. I'm trying to keep my apartment you know. A job is kind of important." Another lie. The most stressful part of his job was keeping the mad little witch who held a similar job at the House of Cats from cornering him at lunch to confess her undying love to him. Anna didn't seem to believe this one anyway.
"You're a bloody temp! You push paper, Diggory! How is that stressful? Staple prices on the rise?" She snorted a wicked little laugh. "I'll ask Reggie to look into picking up an application for you," she continued decisively. "Anyway, the Christmas party will be excellent. Tilly's making her hot chocolate and I've found a brilliant recipe for the most darling little gingerbread houses . . ."
- - -
Christmas Eve dawned cold and wet. Dark, angry looking clouds hung over London. The falling snow was more ice than powder. The wind was biting and bitter. The roads were miserable. Cedric's flat seemed even colder and emptier than normal. Drafts crept in from every crevice and the windows and waterless pipes were frozen solid. Cedric was freezing.
Alone in the emptiness, dressed in every article of clothing he owned with his sad little cactus Matilda had given him as a housewarming gift covered in tinsel and frozen gumdrops in honor of the holiday, he'd finally given in and decided to burn his cardboard dining room table. He had a fair little blaze going by lunch and was rather enjoying adding old bills and junk mail to the flames when Reg blasted in the front door.
"What the hell Black?! Even Anna at least knocks first." Cedric cried in surprise, dropping a particularly large envelope of worthless coupons to shops like Waldo's Wondrous World of Wands; Accessories and Care and Dragon Designs: Home Décor for the Wizard in the Go.
"Anna has her flat color coded and alphabetized." Regulus reminded him coldly. "She has my flat color coded and alphabetized. And she'll have both our heads if we're late to her Christmas party," he said imperiously, tapping a frozen gumdrop stuck on one of the cactus' prickles. Even the holiday hadn't wiped the sneer off his face. The more time Cedric spent with the man, the ever more he was convinced that dear Reggie had followed in his big brother's footsteps. Everything about him seemed to scream dark wizard; from his smug little sneer down to the dark silk dress shirts that always conveniently covered his arms. Today was no different. His dark hair had been clipped impeccably neat, no doubt by Anna in her endless quest for perfection. His clothing too looked as though the outfit had been chosen with heavy influence from Anna; his dark wool coat had a sprig of holly tucked into the lapel. His scarf and mittens were of the striped red, white and green sets that Matilda had knitted for each member of their little Death Squad at the start of the holiday season and, Cedric had little doubt, matched a silk shirt below the coat. Pompous ass.
"Tell her I'll drop by later." Cedric grumbled, returning his attention to his fire. "It's- goddamn it! This is the last of my fuel!" A silent spell from Regulus' wand quickly doused the small fire, sending smoke up to the now howling detectors and Cedric swearing.
"Shut up, Diggory. We're staying at Leo and Tilly's anyway. I do hope you're color-coordinated appropriately; Anna will all ready be anxious over Tilly's choice of interior design." Regulus continued callously. "I certainly don't want to spend all evening listening to her whine. See to your smoke detectors and get your arse down to my truck. Now."
- - -
"Oh! Just look at you boys! Get in here before you freeze your arses off! And if either of you track that dreadful street slush onto my good carpets, I'll let Leo run this bloody department the way he wants!" Matilda's scolding along with a lovely rush of warm air and the smell of ginger bread greeted their entrance into Number 42 Grove's End Road.
"She means it!" Anna warned from the kitchen while Matilda tugged at their coats and mittens. "All ready threatened my gingerbread house for arranging the spices!"
Number 42 was a small cozy little house set in a very Muggle and ordinary suburb of London. The outside was very much like the others on the street, but the inside was a neatly crammed mess of knickknacks and doilies. The tiny forayer opened into a crowded living/dining room that was separated from the kitchen by only a breakfast bar. Two doors along the back led to the bedroom and washroom. The walls were all a dreadful sickly pink color except the washroom and kitchen, which were both tiled in a green that reminded one of chewing gum. Odd collages of classic art, both Muggle and Magical, and 'family' photos of their reaper division ranging from old fashioned portraits of Matilda and Leo sitting with reapers Cedric didn't know to more recent color photos of Reg and Anna looking victorious in green and red at last year's World Cup Match, covered much of the pink. There was even one picture with him in it, hung in the sitting room taken shortly after his death in The Leaky Cauldron. In it, he looked uncomfortable sitting between Anna and Matilda in a booth with Leo and Reg in the booth behind them, still in the clothes he died in.
The furniture of Number 42 had clearly not been up dated since Gridlewald had been defeated and all of it was a painfully ugly. The parlor set was hideous and boxy, but surprisingly comfortable, a sickening green upholstering and wood. The end and coffee tables were a reddish wood that looked as though someone new to woodworking had constructed them in a rush but were awkwardly heavy and sturdy. The kitchen island was a peach vinyl and core board that reminded Cedric of his grandmother's that against the minty green gave the space a watermelonish feel.
In the spirit of the season, the house had been decked out in festive trimmings. All of the blown glass dragons that lined the small shelf around the tiled countertops in the kitchen each had small red and green Father Christmas hats. Silver tinsel had been tied in a bow around each of the cabinets' knobs and a large arrangement of poinsettias occupied the breakfast bar along with Anna's gingerbread house and its materials. Each photo and painting had been trimmed in garland, as had the lampshades and the edge of the mantle piece. The mantle itself had been cleared of it usual cast iron miniatures of wizards famous for long since forgotten achievements (the Chocolate Frog Cards of the last century, Reg had called them) and replaced with a ceramic village inhabited by enchanted ceramic miniatures of elves dressed as Father Chirstmas' helpers that twittered carols on request. The tree Anna had promised sat between the mantle and the record player that scratched out a peaceful carol Cedric did not know, with Leo on the floor below it, swearing at a string of lights.
"About bloody time you boys decided to join us." Leo snarled. "These girls are about to drive me mad and I'm not stringing the damn popcorn this year." He growled, still glaring at the lights. He seemed to have given in to both Matilda and Anna and wore one of Matilda's striped sweaters with a massive Christmas tree on the front over his collared shirt, but had made sure to appease Anna by coordinating his tie and socks accordingly. He looked comical and he looked dangerous.
"Of course you aren't," Matilda snorted as she haphazardly piled their coats on an all ready heavy coat tree. She herself was a bigger festive mess than Leo and Anna (whose very red ensemble matched down to the ribbon on the Scottie dog pin on her collar and the holly in her curls). The squat old woman had gone all out for the occasion, dressed not only in another striped sweater of her own creation (this one, with a reindeer in place of the tree), but a bright green robe with Father Christmas head buttons, a red, full circle skirt with a rather large poinsettia appliquéd on near the hem and a pair of polka dot socks Anna had knitted her. "It's Reggie's turn this year." Reg snarled at this as he stole a handful of red hots from Anna's gingerbread house materials.
"Regulus!" Anna whined with a hard punch to his shoulder as Reg wolfed down the candies. "Tilly! Make him stop! He's eating my- No! Stop!" More whines and a few more slaps with the flat edge of a butter knife had Tilly scolding and Reg grinning wickedly.
"Not before dinner, Regulus!" Tilly gave Reg a swat herself before shooing him towards the tree and a large bowl of popcorn. "And you!" Cedric was tugged into the kitchen by the collar of his sweater vest. "Cedric, you look dreadful! Not at all ready for a party! Here!" A plate was thrust into his hands and a wide assortment of foods from mashed potatoes to shepherds pie was loaded onto it. "You eat, boy! Once you've got your color back and can feel your fingers, get over there and help Leo with the lights, he's bound to short the circuits and cut the power again." Tilly instructed pushing him into the chair next to Anna.
"Why don't we charm them on?" Cedric asked, pushing at a pile of peas with his fork. "Just a quick-"
"That's absolutely no fun Ced!" Anna reproached him. "Besides, this is the sort of thing families do; we're a family."
"Families watch Leo try to set the house on fire?" Cedic asked, with a bite of pie.
"Stow it boy, I've been attending these little tree trimming events longer than you were alive." Leo barked. Reg snorted.
"You've been attending these things since the last Giant Wars, old man."
"Hold you tongue or I'll toss the both of you outside-"
"Leonardo!" Tilly interrupted. "Leave the boys be. Annie's right; we're a family. Families aren't this nasty to one another-"
"Your family wasn't, but mine-" Reg began but Tilly cut him off.
"This family is civil, young man. Now I want to see smiles, damn it! It's bloody Christmas!"