DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND SHOW YOU PAIN YOU DIDN'T THINK WAS POSSIBLE.
Unless you're Carly of course. In that case I trust you to stop reading now. Or if you don't that you'll still be my friend after what I'm about to write.
Seeing as this is my first entry in my so called diary (It really is just notebook that I stole from Fredward. I had to tear out a few pages of technobabble before I could start.) I guess I should introduce myself.
My name is Samantha Puckett (no middle name of course, that's what you get for being born by a selfish mother). I will be 15 years old tomorrow and I've just decided that I'm gay. Not really decided I guess, more like accepting and realizing. I've had a few crushes on guys, but it has never been more than me thinking that I could possible be ok with kissing this guy. It has never been anything like what girls make me feel. But not even random hot girls can do to me what one very special girl can. Carly. The beautiful, amazing, selfless, caring and cute girl that is my best friend.
My mom is an alcoholic and I hate school so I guess it isn't surprising that I'm only happy when I spend time with her. But it's much more than that. I live for my time with her. Everyone has to figure out what the meaning of life is. For me that's easy. The meaning of life is being with Carly. When I'm with her I don't have to be scary all the time. I can be myself, it's a cliché I know, but damn it that's how I feel. Right now I have this dorky, happy smile on my face, thinking about Carly. I don't even care about being a dork if I could be her dork.
She makes me want to be good. It's not easy being good in a world full of dimwits and knuckleheads. Either I want to beat them up or steal something from them. I'm usually too smart to get caught and I sure as hell don't fear hell for my crimes. But there is one thing that keeps me from doing even worse things than I've done. That's Carly of course. It would break my heart if Carly stopped loving me. If I hurt someone really badly she would be so disappointed in me and might never talk to me again. If that happened I don't think I'd even need to kill myself. I think I'd simply die. OK, I guess I'm being a drama queen there, but that's what she does to me.
Anyway, the point is that I love Carly and I want to be with her. I'm not a loser like Freddy though. I'm not gonna just sit here and write about my love. I'm gonna get her, because she deserves someone who loves her more than anything and who is ready and willing to protect her from anything the world can bring. I am that person and I'm going to show that to her. I haven't figured out the details yet but I know that Carly Shay will be mine.
**
I didn't have a party even though it was my birthday today. The few people I can stand are not enough to fill a party. It was still a good birthday though. My mom actually remembered to give me a present. It's about a 50 % chance that she doesn't but this year I got a DVD of the newest big hit comedy. After school I went home with Carly of course. She had hugged me in school and told me that I would get my present later. Of course, for me that hug really was all that I needed. Feeling her soft body against mine is sweet torture. Sweet because it's her, but torture because I can't touch her in the way I want to. In the naughty way. Naughty is a stupid word, but I really, really want to be naughty with Carly.
Anyways, about the present. It was a diorama of the iCarly studio with me and Carls and Fredward. I didn't actually know what a diorama was, but Carly told me and when she tells me something I actually listen. It really was a present from both Carly and Spencer, apparently they had made it together. It really was a very sweet gift from a sweet girl. If I had been sentimental (another word Carly taught me) I would have started to cry. We played with it like little girls. I love to be childish some times, probably because my own childhood was so crappy before I met Carly. I told Freddie that I actually knew voodoo and that I would test it on his doll. He said that he didn't believe me, but there was fear in his eyes. I would never have done anything to the doll since I got it from Carly, but it was fun to scare him.
Then we had cake. I always eat cake at Carly's on my birthday. I don't think I've ever got cake at home. Carly had baked it (again being sweet) and it was delicious with lots of chocolate and some banana thrown in. I ate almost half of it but I would have traded all of it for one little speck of glazing. It was the one little speck that ended up on Carly's cheek. I wish I could have licked it off and moved to kiss her in a big chocolaty kiss. Oh well.
I guess it was a good birthday though, not that I really care about birthdays, but it feels nice that Carly does. And Spencer I guess. He's actually really cool. I think that if I wasn't gay I might have a crush on him. He's older of course, but not old enough to be a gross old geezer. Still I just want him as my brother in law.
Yesterday I wrote about having a big goofy smile on my face and that's even more true today, cause right now I'm actually looking at Carly. She's at her desk doing homework and I'm in her bed writing this. She's so damn cute when she's concentrating. I actually love that she's so smart and ambitious.
Shit, she wants me to come over and learn. I really hate math, but I really love it when she tries to teach me something. Gotta go.
**
Today is Tuesday and I think I have figured things out. It's actually all thanks to some douchebag named Cody. He's this really popular guy and today he came over to me and Carly and asked her out. I was in the middle of a conversation with her and this guy just comes up and butts in to ask her out. He's actually lucky she shot him down cause is she hadn't I would have hit him in the nuts. Ok, maybe I wouldn't have done that cause I would have been in huge trouble, but I really wanted to. Anyways, the point is that she actually said no. I asked her why and she really didn't have an answer, she just shrugged. I don't know what to make of that. She's really popular in school. All kinds of guys ask her out. The nerds like her because she's smart. The jocks like her because she's hot and everyone likes her because she's funny. The thing is though she always says no.
Back to my plan. It's simple really, I'm gonna ask her out. I don't wanna be all dramatic and say that I love her. Nope, I'm gonna do it the old fashioned way and go on a date with her and see what happens. I'm simply gonna be at my most charming and hopefully win her heart. I wanna show her that I can be romantic. It's silly really me wanting to be romantic, but she brings it out in me. I guess that's what love is all about, it makes you crazy.
**
Wednesday.
Yay! This Friday I got a date with the most beautiful girl in the world. Carly Shay. Well, there is one little problem I guess. It's kinda ambiguous (another Carly word) what kind of date this really is. I'm testing to waters a bit I guess. Here's how it happened.
First thing in the morning I saw her by her locker. Not really first thing in the morning, I had missed the first class. Anyway, I walked up to her and said "Hey there beautiful". It was a cheesy line, but I couldn't think of anything better and it sure is true. I've told her that she's beautiful before, but never like that in a flirty manner. She started to blush and gave me the cutest smile ever in return.
She said hi back and then I went on. "How about you and me on a date this Friday?" She started to blush even more and asked me "Date?". I said yes with this flirty smile on my face and she said yes, blushing even more. So now we got our date.
The thing is of course that I didn't really make it clear that it was more than friends going out. She might have thought I was just being silly about the whole date thing and that this was my way of simply asking her to hang out, but I got the vibe that she wouldn't mind a real date. It's damn hard this, reading her mind. I never pay much attention to other people so I'm not very good at reading them. I do pay a lot of attention to Carly, but I'm afraid I'm doing some wishful thinking here. Only time can tell. Tomorrow I'm gonna get myself something really hot to wear for our date. I'm gonna blow her away (hopefully).
**
Thursday
Today I went shopping, but first there was school. I made sure to remind Carly about our date and to compliment her as much as I could. I told her again how beautiful she was, how smart she was when she helped me out with some geography and how sweet she was when held up a door for me. I realize now that I should have been the one to hold the door up for my lady, but this was the next best thing. I have a good feeling about this, because every time I complimented her she started to blush and smile.
Another thing I've done is to stay out of trouble. I was late yesterday, but other than that I've practically been a dream student these last two days. I'm never gonna be able to be a good girl like Carly, but I think I can be a little bit nicer. It's damn hard, but if I get her it'll be worth it.
On to the shopping. Carly wanted me to come home with her, but I had to say no. She did look disappointed. I really hate to see her like that, but on the other hand it meant that she really wanted to hang out with me. If she lets me I'll make it up to her tomorrow.
So, finally the shopping. I forced Freddy to come along with me and lend me some money. The other reason I wanted him to come along was that I wanted to find some clothes that would make me really hot. He's a dork, but he is a guy and if I can make him drool then hopefully It'll work on Carly as well. I think I was successful. I bought this really short jeans skirt and a tight red top with some cleavage. I showed it off and I actually think he got a boner. He might not like me, but he can't deny that I look damn hot. I do like this outfit. It's sexy without being too girly.
Tomorrow's the big date. Hopefully I'll get back to you with some good news.
**
Friday
Ok, damn I'm nervous. I'm gonna pick Carly up at her place at seven and I just need something to do until then. This is it. The best day of my life. Or possibly the worst. It's funny how small the difference is between happiness and despair. To be honest though it probably won't be the worst. Carly's still gonna be my friend even is she doesn't want anything more. I mean Freddork is still in love with her and she doesn't have any problems with that. Also I know for a fact that she isn't homophobic cause I remember this time when Spencer had this very flamboyant gallery owner and his boyfriend over for dinner and she really liked them.
Still, just being friends with her is gonna be hard. I want her so fucking badly. It's even worse than before. I'm so fucking horny right now, thinking about her. I guess I could write what I want to do with her, but it's never gonna be as good as the very dirty movie playing in my head. One thing is for sure, if Carly won't go for it I'm gonna have to get myself a girlfriend to get over her. I mean this is Seattle, how hard can it be? Still, I hope it doesn't come to that, cause no one is gonna compare to her.
Guess I had school today as well, might just as well tell you about that. Not much to report really, I'm pretty sure I had some classes, but I can't really be sure, cause all I could think about was Carly. I sat behind her in math and spent the entire class staring at the back of her head and I guess I caught an occasional glimpse of her ass. Ok, I admit I totally checked out her ass. So while I didn't learn anything in school I managed to stay out of trouble at least. I was to busy with Carly to throw any insults or harass anyone.
I did manage to actually speak to Carly though. I'm not a total dork who just keep staring at the girl of my dreams. I told her she was gorgeous and she giggled and blushed, that's definitely a good sign. I mean Carly doesn't usually giggle and blush, but I seem to have that effect on her when I want. That is a really good sign I think. I know I'm hot and I know she loves me, that really helps me. Is she really into me though? She keeps saying no to the boys, but I really don't know what that proves. I'll find out tonight though.
I gotta get dressed. I usually don't care, but tonight I'm gonna look perfect.
**
Monday
Here's what happened. I came to Carly's apartment several minutes before 7. I'm never in time, but this time I made an effort. I took a few deep breaths before I walked in. I was a bit disappointed at first when I only found Spencer working on a new sculpture. It was some kind of troll made entirely out of strings of yarn. Good thing it didn't caught fire. Anyways, the point is I was there for Carly. Remember that plan I had about making Carly speechless with my sexy clothes? Well that plan went wrong, but in the very best way possible. It was Carly who made me speechless. She just sauntered down the stairs in this incredibly tight black dress. Very short and very cleavagy. I stood there like a complete dork and stared at her. She just smiled at me, walked over to take my hand and led me out of the apartment.
I've been holding her hand many times before, but this time it was special. We walked hand in hand and didn't say a word until we got out of the building. It was a warm early summer evening and the birds were chirping. Ok, I don't really know if the birds were chirping, but it felt like a good time for birds to chirp. So, Carly asked me what I had planned for our date. She really emphasized the word date.
I had thought a lot about what we were going to do on our date. All kinds of crazy ideas, many of the illegal and/or slightly dangerous. But then I figured that I really want to make this be just like a very normal date. Being normal is quite honestly boring and nothing to strive for in my mind, but this time it was all about making sure Carly knew it was a date. I didn't want any distractions from me and her. So I had simply gone with dinner and a movie. You can't go wrong with that.
Seeing as we had to walk we were restricted to the immediate area, but I had found this really small fish restaurant where I had actually booked a table. I had specifically asked for candles on the table and some privacy and the restaurant delivered. We were seated in a corner so we had a bit of privacy. We sat there with the flickering candle light and I looked into Carly big brown eyes. I had lost all my nerve and had nothing left of my ability to speak. Good thing that Carly was able to speak.
"Wow, Sam. This is so romantic."
That's an exact quote. I'll remember those words forever. It was finally out there without a doubt that this was the romantic kind of date and apparently Carly approved. One thing I love about Carly (there are thousands, but this is an important one) is that she gives me confidence. Not the kind of confidence I need to speak in front of crowds or do something dangerous, but the kind of confidence that means I actually feel good about myself. Up until I met her many years ago I actually thought I was as worthless as my drunk mother used to tell me. Anyway, what Carly said brought me back so that I could actually speak again.
"Yes, I hoped it would be."
That's exactly what I said to her and the last exact quote I remember from the restaurant. She gave me this amazing Carly smile in return. Her face really is made for smiling. I bet she smiled from the moment she was born. She has many smiles. Crazy/funny smile when we're goofing off on iCarly. Huge grin when I'm being funny. Happy smile when she sees me. This time it was a deliberate and intense smile, but what she was saying with that smile was that she appreciated my effort.
Anyway we ordered our food, staring off with shrimp cocktails as starters for both of us. I went on to have a tuna steak while Carly went with local salmon. I don't really remember what we talked about during dinner. I guess it kinda reverted back to a normal conversation. We didn't have any awkward pauses or anything like you can have a on a first date. It felt like we were just hanging out, even though we both knew it was more than that.
When it was time for desert we both went with some kind of chocolate cake. I was being stupid and gulfed it all done almost at once, but that actually turned out to be a good thing. Carly saw my empty plate and took some of her own cake and fed it to me. I did feel a bit greedy about eating her cake, but I figured she knows that I'm greedy when it comes to food anyway. No reason to hide who I am. She kept giving me every other spoon of cake until we had finished her cake as well. During this whole time we didn't say a word. There was no need. It was just one of those moments.
When it was time to pay Carly said something about sharing the bill, but I told her that she could pay the next time. She accepted. Since I'm not a guy I don't really care who pays, but tonight I felt like I wanted to take care of her. Also the thing about she paying the next time meant that we were going to do this again.
We left the restaurant and walked to the movies, again holding hands. We reached the movies and again I had went with a classic choice. Horror. Not much imagination on my part there, but it's classic because it works. Carly is usually really brave, but she's a complete coward when it comes to horror movies and I hoped that would work to my advantage. Guess what? It did. She was curled up against for almost the entire movie. I sneaked my arm around her shoulders and she was very much OK with that. The best parts were the really scary parts when she looked away from the move and just looked at me. With her hand blocking the view of the screen. Her face was just inches away from mine and I could swear she wanted me to kiss her, but unfortunately my confidence failed. Kissing Carly is a huge step and I wasn't ready for that.
In the end I felt really stupid, like I had missed my shot. I thought that was the only chance I'd ever have to kiss her. I hid my feelings though and when I walked her back towards her apartment we were back to normal friend conversation. It felt like we reached Carly's building right away and for a moment I really felt like I had missed my one and only shot to ever kiss Carly and that it would never happen. I was completely lost and behaving like a total dork. Then Carly spoke. The second unforgettable phrase from this evening.
"Aren't you going kiss me?"
I should have kissed her right then and there, but the stupid stuck with me. I should have understood it from the way she asked that she wanted me to do it, but I didn't.
"Do you want me to?" I asked.
My voice was really shaky and my heart was beating like crazy. I still thought she might say no, but she didn't. She said yes. The most important yes in my life. Her voice was actually a little shaky as well when she said it. I had been closely studying the ground up until now, but as I looked up I saw the desire and nervousness in her face. I could probably fill an entire notebook with just how I felt at that moment, but let's just sum it up. I was happy. I slowly leaned in and placed my lips on hers. Not that there had ever been any doubt, but I knew for sure when I kissed her that this was right. This was what my life should be like. Making out with Carly Shay. We just kept going, very slowly making out. We know each other so well, but this was new territory and we both took our time to explore it. My best guess is that we made out for maybe three minutes straight, but I don't know exactly. When it ended I had another of those moments when I thought I had screwed up.
"I love you Carly. I love you more than anything else in the world."
As I said those words it dawned on me that this was not part of the plan. I just wanted her to be my girlfriend and then take it slowly. Not admit that I was completely crazy about her. I didn't have to live in fear for long though.
"I love you too Sam. More than anything."
My stupidity had ended. I didn't doubt her for one second. The truth was all over her face. She really did love me. It really was that simple. We made out again of course. The thing is though, I can't really go on writing about how it was. Carly have taught me a lot of hard words, but none of them can describe how happy I am right now. Carly is my girlfriend and we are both in love. I started writing here to focus my thoughts and achieve what I wanted. Now I've done that so there's no point in going on. Maybe one day I'll go back and read about how it happened, but at the moment I don't care. Right now I just want to call my girlfriend and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
THE END