* If you want to jump straight to the action, see Chapter 6 *

Disclaimer: don't own anything, all goes to its rightful owner, William Joyce and DreamWorks.

Hope you enjoy, and thanks to Sumi-sprite for giving me the green light on her prompt! :D

Pairing: N/A (will change)
Genre: Humor, Parody
Rating: T (for swearing, no smut)
Word Count: 3,824

Chapter 1 - I Thought It Was Bad... But It Was Worse

Writer's P.O.V.

Cold. That was the first thing Pitch could feel.

But that was not really surprising; it was always cold in his lair. But this cold was... different. It didn't feel right, because it usually didn't bother him. The darkness was in fact a cold place - cold and dark go hand in hand after all, which he was not so eager to remember since his last failure by the hands of those blasted Guardians.

Though it had taken him some time before he got used to the cold, which resulted in a few blankets being burned after a nasty sickness he got. He had scattered the ashes too, just in case someone decided to go through his trash. Again.

But the cold this time actually did bother him. It bit at his cheeks and sent shivers through his skin beneath the clothes he was wearing. He was perplexed. Why in the ever sweet darkness would the cold bother him? Maybe it was because of the floor he was laying on...

Wait. Floor? What the hell is he doing on the floor!?

Pitch's eyes weakly fluttered open, due to his whole body pulsing from exhaustion for no clear reason. Gathering his strength to stop his eyes twitching, he slowly took in his surroundings. The first thing he saw was the darkness, all around him. He lazily glanced around. It was some sort of cavern, though he couldn't really tell much, only from the stony floor he was laying on. There seems to be no light, nor an exit.

Or an entrance for that matter.

Maybe there would be something if he turned to his left. If only not for the fact that he would rather rot himself in this cavern than roll over, especially on the floor. Even if there was a two-tone rock above him, threatening to end his life.

The darkness around him kept quiet, no writhing shadows or whining nightmares at the back of his mind.

Where are the Fearling whispers?, Pitch weakly thought. Come to think about it, he could barely see through the darkness now. Yet still, he stayed down, too exhausted and weak to move even for the sake of his curiosity...

Why was he on the floor again?

Damn. It was all Jack could think of. He didn't know how, where or why. But he still knew he never should have done what he had done.

He messed up bad.

He didn't know that the spell book, the one North specifically told him 'not to touch!', could actually work! He just wanted to have some harmless fun, and would you just look at where it had brought him;

In a cold cavern that was who knows where, with a mind messed up who knows how, and a sore back from laying on the floor that he honestly didn't want to know what looked like - sure didn't feel like a clean one - and his friends were nowhere to be seen.

Now Jack knew he was gonna be in so much trouble when he got back, he was anticipating the punishment even before he touched the damn book. Yet now,he was thinking of visiting Jamie... and Pippa and Monty... Not to mention Claude and Caleb... Sophie must be feeling really lonely-

Jack sighed. No, no. I must go ahead and face my fellow Guardians. It can't be that bad...

You know, Himalayas sound nice.

There were various of sighs throughout the cavern. Jack went rigid. No, he frantically thought, no no no-

But he soon realized that the sighs were more exhausted than annoyed, so he let himself relax just the slightest. It was at least a good start.

''So the lengthy lecture won't start right away, very promising.''

Jack violently jerked at the sound of unknown voices.

What the hell were those? he thought in surprise, his eyes rolling behind his closed eyelids in apprehension. He still hadn't found the strength to open them. Or perhaps they were open, but it was too dark to tell.

Those voice were definitely not his.

But even when he kept listening, he heard nothing else. Nearly five minutes passed. Nothing.

After somehow convincing himself that the voices were just his imagination, Jack stuck his hands out and put them to the floor, lifting his head from the floor. His head actually felt clear instead of foggy. He then gathered all the will power he had in him and pushed himself up by his hands, standing on his own with both legs beneath him and his hands in front of him to keep the balance. His knees shook beneath him, but he didn't fall.

He felt his eyes open, and gaze at the half-dark cave.

''Guys,'' he whispered, hoping that in whatever state the Guardians are into- state he got them into- that they were okay. But no one answered his whisper.

''Guys,'' he called a little louder this time, a bit of fear suddenly catching up to him. He would never forgive himself if somehow and someway managed to screw up his first attempt at a-

''Hey, is everyone al'right?'' an Australian accent asked, Jack's head turning around to be greeted with a very annoyed spirit of Hope. Bunny rubbed his eyes sleepily with one hand, while yawning into his other.

If there was a time when Jack could practically scream from relief, it was now, seeing the forms of his friends behind Bunny, all standing normally though he could see the slight shaking of their knees and hear the shaking of their breaths.

The Guardians gathered around Jack, all four of them, each of them blinking rapidly in a dazed way. The way they gathered around him was unsettling to Jack, with wide distances between each other and keeping their gazes only on him. He couldn't make out the details of his friends, but he was certain they weren't harmed all that bad at the very least.

''Where are we?'' Tooth innocently asked, running a hand over her head. Jack took another minute to let the question sink in.

If they don't know where they are, then they don't know how they got here. And if they don't know how they got here, then they don't know why they were here. And if they don't know THAT, then they don't know it was me who got them here, Jack thought things through.

Usually, he wasn't the one to do this kind of thing -trying to turn the situation in his favor- but somehow it seemed so normal and natural. It would have creeped him out if he weren't so dazed. Besides, lectures appealed to no one. They were boring, annoying and they do nothing for your childish personality.

So they are confused and disoriented, Jack finally thought.

''I don't know,'' Jack truthfully answered, at least not lying, ''But look, there's an exit above us.'' Jack nodded toward the obvious exit.

A wave of exhaustion suddenly washed over him, and he rubbed his forehead. I guess I was no exception to the spell, he thought. Jack glanced at his surroundings. It wasn't really that dark, but he instantly felt so weak and his mind felt so foggy that it made things harder to focus on. His friends looked like unfathomable shapes which made no sense, so he only knew they were there because he either heard their breathing or felt their warmth radiate from their bodies.

The cave they were in was big enough to host a hundred spirits at once, with room to spare. There were various of exists that probably lead to the other parts of the cave, all tangled in a system of its own. A few big rocks were scattered along the floor, and thousands of small pebbles littered the damp and wet floor. A few puddles could be found here and there. The place would have freaked out anyone.

''Where?'' North asked Jack, who was already deep in thought, ''I do not see anything?''

What? Jack questioned when the rest of his fellow Guardians looked up and squinted their eyes.

''Okay, enough of this!'' Bunny suddenly exclaimed, startling everyone by the crazed look on his face. Well, at least startling Jack. Because he looked like someone ate his carrots and smashed his googies to make an omlette.

''What are we bloody doing here!? Where in hell is 'here' anyway!?'' Oh no, here it comes, Jack thought.

''You're so dead. Well, as dead as you can be.''

What the-

''Bunny, calm down. We'll figure this out!'' Tooth cut in, reaching out to comfort Bunny, like a mother would to a child. An overgrown, furry, tempered, rabbit child. The others around him also tried to show placated gestures to the Pooka, though their effort was barely seen in the dark.

Even Jack wanted to say something right then and there, but he couldn't. Why not wait until we get home? That sounds like good idea. After a nice cup of coco, maybe a good joke, Jack decided, nodding his head while doing so.

But deep inside him, he knew he was still so-gonna regret ever touching that spell book.

''Completely and utterly.''

Who the hell are you!?

''You really wanna know?''

Bunny disregarded Tooth for ten full seconds; she was always tying to keep cool and calm all of them when the situation got out of hand. Especially Bunny, since he was, after all, the most aggressive one. Though no one would ever admit that - They wouldn't dare.

But Bunny eventually gave in and sighed in defeat as he reached out to Tooth, taking her soft, feathered hand to at least satisfy her need to calm everyone. Sighing yet again, he ran a finger over the gentle feathers... Only for someone else to yelp and slap his hand away.

''Ahh! You perv! Watch where you put your dirty little hands!'' A few seconds passed in silence after that...

Then everyone's head snapped toward the voice.

''Pitch!''

To say the Guardians were surprised, would not be true. They were terrified. They just woke up in an unknown place, disoriented and weak, and their weapons and stuff were nowhere to be found. This could only mean one thing; Pitch had kidnapped them.

''You let us go, Pitch! You have gone too far!'' North bellowed, and went for his weapons with the rest of his fellow Guardians. But none of them had any weapons on them.

''Damn!'' Bunny was the only one that voiced his concern with that.

''What?'' Pitch asked, confused. Why in heaven would they tell me to let them out. They should let me go! Defeating me was one thing, kidnapping is a felony!

''You weirdos had too much drinks last night when you got this idea! Just you wait until the spirit of Justice hears about this!''

''Justice! You kidnapping twerp, we should have you hanged for this!''

The Guardians went on and on with their insults. An endless number of insults were flying everywhere and landed on anyone that was near. Pitch kept yelling at them and pointing his finger accusingly, and the Guardians flailed their arms around in anger as they yelled back. Although, most of their effort to look intimidating was wasted, as the five of them didn't really see that well in the still darkness of the unknown cave.

No one but Jack, who seemed to suddenly take in their appearances, when looking closer.

With a loud gasp, the frost sprite clapped a hand over his mouth to stop his scream.

And while the heated argument got even more heated, above everyone's heads, the very faint light of a morning sun threatened to spill into the cave. The Guardians and Pitch were completely unaware of the situation they were in, judging by their argument turning worse and worse with each second. All but Jack, who stared in horror at the people in front of him.

''Oh, what have I done?''

Jack could do nothing as he watched the chaos unfurl in front of him, frozen to his spot - The irony wasn't lost on him.

Bunny sorta lost it, after Pitch hit his sore spot with a remark of how Christmas was better than Easter. And though Pitch only said it to piss Bunny off - there was a little truth to it.

With an astonishing amount of speed, Bunny reached out and hit Pitch in the jaw, hard. Pitch stumbled back from the impact, holding his gonna-be-bruised jaw. A furious expression suddenly replaced the surprise Pitch was feeling, and he returned the favor with a swung of his right arm, aimed at Bunny's face.

The damage was excessively hard, considering that Bunny stumbled over a small rock and hit his head against the floor, rendering him useless. Angered, North gave a war cry as he ran toward his enemy, pinpointing the location the Boogeyman was by the snarl he let out at him. He slammed his body into Pitch's; both North and Pitch went tumbling to the floor. Tooth joined them with a war cry of her own, Sandy too, but Jack didn't see the way they fought, because his eyes averted to the exit above him.

The sun was dangerously close to illuminating the entire cavern. Jack had do something. Anything!

But the rest of the Guardians and Pitch were too much into their fights, hearing their screams, spits and growls of rage, to even so much as notice what had happened.

Then he lost it.

''Stop it! All of you! Just stop it!'' the spirit of winter suddenly exclaimed out of nowhere, forehead already sweating from the nervous atmosphere they were in. ''We-!... Him!... No way-...

''Oh my heaven!''

The Guardians, excluding Bunny, seemed to hear the terror in his voice, because they stopped. Pitch stopped too (partly because he thought he sensed something close, something very familiar but unknown at the same time).

And just as Jack was about to hysterically explain why they were all here, maybe shed a tear or few to soften the Guardians' anger, the light of the morning sun conveniently shone through the exit. It illuminated the entire cave and everyone in it, including the winter spirit.

Jack could hear Bunny getting up and groaning, but he didn't see him, for the light burned his vision and he had to hiss despite himself. He also tried to back away into a nearby shelter, where there was a hint of shadows. How he knew, Jack couldn't tell. And though he would never admit it, he never felt safer when he did back away.

After a minute of complete blindness, Jack looked back at his fellow Guardians again. Only this time, they were looking at each other, examining and blinking harder than ever. And they did it a few more times... And again...

They squinted their eyes against their blurry visions and shook their head in hopes of clearing them up. The sun shone brightly, and gave a bright ring of light beneath the exit, thus lighting them all up. Sighing, the five of them looked at each other yet again, only this time, their gazes didn't avert. Something seemed to click inside their heads for a moment.

And that was the beginning of all hell breaking loose.

''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!''

Everyone but Sandy and Jack screamed, a very long and a very loud scream that shook the entire cave. Bunny stepped away too quickly, hitting North hard in the crotch, who slipped on a patch of ice and fell on top of the not-golden Sandy, who accidentally hit Tooth as a sand bomb was released basically out of nowhere. The sand bomb came right at Pitch, yet he still somehow avoided it, but crashed onto the floor like the rest of the Guardians.

And Jack, his senses numb and his mind all but empty, just stood to his spot, tried hard not to think of their appearances, tapping his foot against the floor in anticipation of what was supposed to happen. He didn't even realize he was chewing his hand like a rabid dog until the Guardians started getting up from the floor.

The Guardians and Pitch squirmed and got to their legs and paws in whatever way they could, probably just as startled and terrified as Jack, if not even more so.

''Oh my god!'' Tooth screeched, both her hands in front of her body. ''Where are my feathers!?''

''What the BLOODY HELL! North! Why do you have my tail!?'' Bunny hopped away from the horrified North, practically bursting with confusion and surprise at his friend having his bodily belongings.

''Sandy! Why are you wearing my clothes!?'' North asked Sandy in horror, who shook his head vigorously, and pointed to Pitch.

''Pitch! You-!''

''I'm a freaken' bird! Bird! What in the fucking world is this!?'' Pitch screamed at his feathered hands. Frantically, he tried to somehow, in a magic way, brush the feathers off him, merely shedding a few gray ones from his black attire.

''Wow, now this is one hell of a party.''

''Shut up! All of you! Just shut up!''

The Guardians briefly glanced in Jack's direction. But they were all too freaked out about themselves to linger too long on his head-clutching form.

And then, unexpectedly, everything silenced, leaving the cavern as if it never was disturbed.

Jack focused back on his friends, but they weren't panicking anymore. They all stood across from each other and panted from the exhaustion. All the while keeping their gazes on Pitch while they examined the situation. The winter spirit did too.

Across from him stood Pitch, and out of all of them he looked the most abnormal. He was covered in feathers! Black and white, slick and elegant, myriad of feathers! Everything but his hands and face was covered, making him look like a blurry and a twisted image of what Tooth would look like in black and white. He had a large -scratch that- enormous pair of black iridescent wings behind him, raised up in wariness and twitching ever so slightly. A long and slim white feather adorned the middle of his head, standing out from the other black feathers. The black ones made it all kinda resemble his original hair, especially with the spikes at the end that were neatly folded and even more slicked back. He had white lines around his wrists and ankles, like Tooth's yellow ones, and wide swirls of white along his chest and back, a mockery of leaves. His back, that was half-turned to Jack, was almost the same as the back of his robe, so soft-looking and against his body that Jack actually thought it was his robe. If it were not for the same white swirls standing out, that was. His tail feathers were absolutely larger than Tooth's, like the drag of his robe, but raised above the floor like a peacock's tail. And since he was so tall, the tail went from a tightly covered bottom, to a wide feathered fan that brushed against the floor. The inside of it was as black as night.

Bunny was next to the Guardian of Fun. His fur was white, with unique traces of blue snowflakes along his back and chest. His fur looked puffy and soft, even his ears had a bit more white fur to them. A snowman and an arctic fox would probably be jealous of him. Yet his eyes did not change color; they remained a brilliant green and stood out of his pale and white and blue appearance. And his front was covered in blue tattoes, resembling his past markings, but they were more plentiful and got lost in all the white. His nose was as pink as always, but his lips were excessively pale and almost got lost in the sheer whiteness of him.

Sandy was on Jack's left. He had only changed his colors, since he was still his usual height and had his usual plump body. He was no longer a golden color, but now he was red and white, with pink cheeks and skin tone, and even boots to add to it all. And the way the colors were scattered, it looked like North's coat... Jack honestly had thought it was North's coat, until he had seen Sandy try to pry it off himself, only to not be able to grab the colors that clung to him, unwavering.

Tooth was completely golden, to say the least. She was utterly made of dream sand, barely anything but her eyes visible, which were a bright pink, their usual color. So the frost sprite couldn't make out any features except that she had no feathers. Her cres- hair, was short and it molded with her head so that it still looked like her feathered crest, although golden and motionless. Her face had a softer shade of golden, just like Sandy used to, so he could at least make out where her face began and ended. She wasn't floating but Jack could see dream sand shifting beneath her legs and around her head, indicating she was frustrated.

North was a rabbit, all covered in fur from head to toe, and though the colors he had remained, he had large paws and everything, even ears. And he was THIN! There was no fat on him, just pure muscle, Jack could tell at least from the fur on his broad shoulders. He also wore something akin to a kilt... It took the Guardian of Fun some time to realize that those were his usual pants, but were somehow ripped to resemble a dress...

''Oh my GOD! What has happened to us!'' And just as soon as the thought left his mouth, everything started out again.

''We're doomed!''

''This is a nightmare!''

''What are we gonna do!''

''We're all gonna die!''

Panic and hysteria took over the Guardians and Pitch, pride and dignity forgotten as everyone let out their fear, anger and frustration in their own way.

Jack just watched, and lost all courage to admit his prank had gone too far to be a prank anymore.